X Factor Results Show Sunday November 8th
Last Night was Movie Night and the competition was Fierce. Mainly between the judges debating what constituted a REAL movie. The singing competition wasn’t that fierce at all really, ranging from Karaoke to crap. Tonight! Eight will become Seven – and I do wonder if Stephen Hawking has some clever equation where he can make Eight become Two in one slick manoeuvre and we can fast forward a couple of weeks. This evening, The Black Eyed Peas will be here, no doubt ready to happy slap the contestants for massacring “I’ve Got A Feeling” a few weeks ago. And cross yourselves with Holy Water (or Diet Coke will do), for The Blessed Mother of X Factor, as Ordained by Saint Simon The Botoxed, yes Leona is back!!
Dannii and Louis warn there are fireworks inside and outside tonight. Bloody hell, I’m already imagining Cheryl’s dress – a Catherine Wheel rotating on each breast and a cornucopia of Sparklers rammed in every available orifice. Simon thinks his category has “Gone up a notch” to which Cheryl replies “Well it had to go somewhere”. Maybe she thought he said crotch.
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Dermot’s bursts on in his usual Red Bull fuelled bundle of optimism and badly fitted suit. He introduces the “Four Super Heroes” known as the X Factor Judges who trundle out to the Superman theme tune. There are no fireworks in sight, neither is Simon in a Superman T Shirt or Louis wearing his Y fronts over his trousers so it’s all bit of a letdown. Cheryl has decided she has had enough of her Poppy outdoing her every night, so tonight, she has come dressed as one. Dannii had a fight with her hairdresser backstage and her fringe lost the battle.
Group Performance - Results Show 5
I think my memory must suffer some kind of selective Alzheimer’s about the Group Song because I always forget that its coming. And what is this week’s Marcel Marceau Mime Festival going to consist of? Oh its Katie Perry’s Hot and Cold. Just like Simon & Garfunkel had 50 ways to leave their lover, the X Factor Finalists have 50 ways to Murder Your Favourite Songs. This week it’s all a bit high pitched and squeaky with the added horror of lots of tartan clothes. It’s like a Bay City Rollers Tribute Act all gone horribly wrong. Dermot’s earpiece is obviously in for medical, rather than TV reasons as he says they were all in perfect harmony. Haw.
Dermot now offers up the “Director’s Cut” of yesterdays show. I will try to be briefer than Ridley Scott was with Bladerunner.
Stacey tried to be sexy in a cardigan but would have preferred that the only one to ever reach her was Buzz Lightyear rather than The Son Of A Preacher Man. Simon mutters something to her on his way past backstage. It was probably “Go and get me some fags love”. Olly Twisted & Shouted in tight trousers. Simon says it was a great show, Louis thought it was a silly song (hmm, Beatles Song / Ray Parker Junior Song – I’m not sure you are going to win THAT one Louis). Cheryl thinks Olly is the “one to watch”. Especially if those trousers get ANY tighter. Lloyd didn’t sing a note in tune but looked very pretty and floppy haired so he’ll be safe. Jamie was Crying which made a change from Danyl. Louis thinks Simon is Cheating and Simon thinks Louis should be a Traffic Warden. Holy crap, they are getting more like Harry Enfield’s Old Gits every week. Lucie went to Camp Rock for her song and Louis announced to the nation that she will be the last girl left standing. I wonder if he meant standing at the queue in the job centre? Danyl lost one inch of hair and six feet of cockiness. Cheryl now loves him because he looks like her husband. And it’s always nice to be reminded of that adulterous philanderer on a Sunday. John and Edward ridded the studio of hideous entities and loathsome creatures – oops boys, you missed one, look there it is dressed as a poppy sitting next to Simon. They can’t believe they sang Ghostbusters on The X Factor! In fairness they didn’t sing it really did they – they shouted a bit and leapt about with guns, but it was still awesome brilliance compared to Lloyd. Joe was incredibly sweet and incredibly forgettable.
Black Eyed Peas - Results Show 5
Right, forget that shoddy lot and get someone decent out. It’s time for the Black Eyed Peas! Fergie is lowered onto the set in a giant moon clutching what looks like a dildo for support. They always like an edge, those Peas don’t they? Will-I-am is abseiled in on a cable wearing a bright yellow jacket so he looks like a mutant Tweety Pie in Bovver Boots. The one that looks like The Child Catcher rescues Ferg from her sex toy festooned moon and they continue the song on stage amidst lots of dry ice and oscillating lasers. Fab. Cue Dermot to leap on do an interview you have to watch from behind a cushion. Lowlights include asking Will-I-am if Cheryl is “tricksy” to work with and imploding into a total gibbering wreck when he discovers Fergie borrowed Cheryl’s shoes. Maybe Dermot should be the one on hard drugs, not the acts. He might make more sense.
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Some creepy Dermot interaction with the judges starting with him kissing Louis’ head and going downhill from there. He tries to get names from the judges about who will go. “I’m Paxman” he growls “Give me an answer”. Cheryl and Dannii give him a look that says “Shut up you sad, sad little man” and Simon reluctantly coughs up Lloyd and maybe one of the girls. A beaten Dermot hastily introduces our home grown Super Star – Leona Lewis.
Leona Lewis - Results Show 5
Leona’s onstage and has three giant sized ethereal Leona’s floating behind her. I’m almost hoping John and Edward will leap out in a minute to deal with them. There are oceans of ticker tape, it’s a lovely song, Leona looks pretty and no-one punches her. We can’t ask for anymore. Except for Dermot NOT to do an interview. Oh crap, here he comes. Full of inane waffle about the mess on the stage. Simon is like a proud dad and says she is the reason it’s worth winning the show. No mention of the kids he keeps firmly locked under the stairs though.
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Time for the results. In No Particular Order safe are Joe, Olly, Stacey, Lloyd (Simon’s face goes from smug orange to beetroot red with rage deliciously quickly), Danyl (gah!)and finally Jamie leaving Lucie and Jedward (Noooooooo!!!) in the bottom two! In the words of those fine Songstrels, The Kaiser Chiefs -I predict a riot!
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Simon PROMISES to be fair and FORGET THE PAST. Oh dear. If only Simon had spent some of his squillons on a crystal ball. Dannii thanks everyone for supporting Lucie this far. That will be her entire tiny village then and no-one much else. Lucie is up first, doing a shaky version of bloody Whitney’s One Moment In Time wearing incredibly ripped tights. Snoooooze – it’s all very much what you would expect – not as good as even drug addled Whitney, dull and predictable.
Lucie - Results Show 5
She has a NICE enough voice but it’s not the voice of a super star. Calling the shepherds home for pie? Yes. Number one in the charts? Not really love. Next up the Twins doing Rock DJ but without any of Brian’s dancefuckery to help them out this time. It starts off in their usual style of crap but I’m grinning and Simon is grinning right along with me. He is even singing along at one point – ha!
Jedward - Results Show 5
They prance like escaped monkeys from the lab round the stage with absolutely zero co-ordination but bags of effort! I do believe that some of the singing might have been in tune this time though – granted that might have been the backing track. Now Cheryl is beaming! At the end of the routine, the boys do a random leap into the crowd for no reason whatsoever. John does a phenomenal back flip back to the stage that put that simpering little Lloyd’s to SHAME. Simon is still smiling and has unbuttoned his shirt all the way to the waistband of his trousers. This MUST be a good sign – do I feel the Twinnies may yet survive another day? I definitely feel the rumblings of an upset coming here.
Louis doesn’t think Lucie should be there but votes to keep his own act in. Dannii does the same. Cheryl loves the boys but votes to send them home (do I sense a lot of note passing / whisperings with producers and passing of bucks took place during the ads?) . It’s now over to Simon who is a torn man – the golden column inches that Jedward have provided, has given the show more publicity than if Cheryl decided to boff Louis onstage and this knowledge burns like a fire in his soul, weighed up against how large a tit he will look if he decides to keep the boys he has up and till now lied about hating for months. He buys himself some time by saying he isn’t surprised they are in the bottom two (oooh – liar – you expected Lloyd!). Lots of waffle which is surmised by him saying “I’d rather see the boys”. Who knew? A little bit more looking at the audience, chewing of pen and shoulder shrugging before deciding the money spinning twinnies are far to golden a nugget to risk losing over Little Miss Whitney-Lite so he going to take it to DEADLOCK. Or JEDLOCK as it is this week. Dermot gets his Silver Envelope of Public Execution and reveals that Lucie has the fewest votes and is going home.
Lucie and Dannii - Results Show 5
A small montage of Lucie’s Rise from The Village. She graciously wishes John and Edward well and say they work harder than anyone. Aww. Dannii is seething and says “I wish all the SINGERS good luck in this SINGING COMPETITION” with a serious Evil Death Glare towards Simon – who is probably too busy texting the words “DAMAGE LIMITATION” to Max Clifford to notice.
Next week! The Charity Single – Lord have mercy. Let’s hope it’s for The Deaf. And Shakira will be here!
Leona Lewis - Happy MP3
Lucie Jones - One Moment In Time MP3
The Finalists - Hot N Cold MP3
Black Eyed Peas - Meet Me Halfway MP3
John and Edward - Rock DJ MP3
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Brilliant yet again. Please don’t stop writing these reviews! I love them! lol.