Saturday August 30th 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor August 29th 2009 Audition Show
Last week, we are helpfully reminded, it all returned “with a bang”. I imagine this week we are aiming for the crash and the wallop.
Apparently we found a pop star! *Wracks brain to remember* Oh yes, that Danyl bloke that ignored Chezza and Dannii and flirted with Simon – a blatant case of knowing which side your bread is buttered.

Dermot’s perched on a box trying to look like the Angel Of The North and tells us we are on “a Quest for the Best” which, in Birmingham its maybe the kind of quest similar to the one that Frodo Baggins embarked on thinking “How hard can it be to deliver a ring?”.

For some strange reason we are treated to footage of traffic jams and buses. Maybe it’s metaphoric and the stationary traffic represents the stagnant waters of the UK music industry. Then I remember this is X-Factor not The South Bank Show so the traffic is probably just metaphorical for the slow moving audition process we have to endure before the good bit when it goes live.

In case we forgot from last week, it’s ALL CHANGE this year (except Simon’s T shirts of course) and like it or lump it, auditionees now have 4 judges and the live audience standing in their way.

Simon goes into Wise Old Sage mode and tells us he loves the show because one minute you can be singing in your bedroom and the next you can be A STAR! Methinks Si has simplified the process somewhat – maybe if you were singing in Simon’s bedroom you might be on the next bus (note use of Birmingham signature traffic metaphor) to stardom, but Chavvy Karen from Solihull belting out Mariah in her council flat and then rejected at the first mass audition without the sniff of a judge?
Not quite such a clear a path then is it Si?
Dannii has dispensed with any fancy talk and tells us it how it is. “You have got to be GOOD” she says. Well, I’d like to draw the lovely Miss Minogue to the Evidence marked as Eoghan Quigg and take umbrage with that statement.
Louis says they are looking for a bigger star than last year (thinly veiled reference to the fact that Alexandra seems to have done a runner with Lord Lucan astride Shergar and hasn’t been seen since Christmas 2008?).
I do sit awaiting Louis to mention JLS but he doesn’t. I fear he is saving his no doubt encyclopaedic armada of JLS references till we reach the live shows.
Cheryl doesn’t have anything insightful to offer at all so it’s a quick cut of her smiling prettily and then moving on.
Shots of the judges taking their seats and then Dermot backstage talking to today’s very first victim, its Alan, 50 from the somewhat mystical sounding town of “Wheeliecassell” .Is that in Middle Earth do we think? And if it is, are they known for their fantastic singers? To be fair, Alan himself doesn’t look very mystical. Dressed head to toe in chambray and denim, sporting a white beard and a cap, he looks a bit like Santa who decided to retire as a philanthropist and become a Status Quo groupie.
Alan’s roots are in Karaoke. That’s never a good sign, really is it? You offer “The Mississippi Delta” or “Detroit” as your roots, not karaoke.
Alan gets on stage and Simon is as taken as me with the wonderful sounding “Wheeliecassell” although he does rather ruin it with his “Camp Bloke from the Home Counties” accent and it comes out “Wheeley Castle” which doesn’t sound nearly so brilliant.
Simon prods for more information on said town and Alan does a fabulous turn as a Tom Tom Sat-Nav. Cue Simon pretending to be intimate with the roads around Birmingham (which, let’s face it, is as likely as him being intimate with me) but it gets a laugh so that’s all right then.
Simon asks Alan why he has entered the X-Factor and Alan continues to fill his designated role as Comedy Turn remarkably well and replies so he can buy his council flat. Bless his little denim clad socks.
Alan isn’t quite as daft as he first made out, choosing to sing “No Matter What” and therefore almost guaranteeing a Yes from Louis. Well, it might’ve been a yes if Alan remembered to sing. He flounders trying to time his intro into the song and misses his cue.
We see Simon drinking something from a tea mug but I’m guessing it’s really not tea he’s got in there. Not if he has any sense anyway.
Alan begs for Simon to cue him into the track but Si’s “tea” still isn’t quite potent enough to let Al off the hook for that one.
“It just won’t work will it?” sighs Si, in a tone usually reserved for his army of “ex girlfriends” but he gamely gives Alan a wink anyway.

Alan Walton X Facror Auditions

Dermot speaks for the nation when he says we are off to an Odd Start and things aren’t looking to improve either.
I’ve no doubt that a few months ago, a circular went out to all the “Care in the Community” projects around Birmingham, advising of fun days out for the er, inmates.
Mon – Gala Bingo
Tues – Therapy
Weds- Cinema
Thurs – X-Factor Auditions
And dear God, they came in their droves. The produces gleefully play the backing track “Crazy In Love” by Beyonce. Wicked, wicked sods.
First up is “Kriztina” from Hungary who loves England. Unfortunately, she doesn’t love it enough to learn the language and the audience plays “laugh at the foreign person” for a little while. Actually, I think I can understand more of what Kriztina says than Cheryl Cole, but there you go. She murders a Shakira song to a flurry of Simon eye rolls and a cornucopia of giggles from the other three.
Simon insightfully tells us its getting weirder and weirder and weirder. Was he talking about the auditionees or Cheryl’s outfit? We shall never know.
Next is Andrew whose inspiration is Angels. Lets clarify, that’s Angels From Heaven.
Simon immediately snaps “I know where they are FROM” – kind of pointing to himself as an example. And let us take this moment to titter incredulously at Simon’s microphone placement. Unlike the live shows where Si has the excuse to wear shirts unbuttoned to the navel and show the land how fantastic his Moob Job is, the auditions only really allow for a selection of crappy T shirts. Although these are usually reassuringly nipple hugging, they don’t allow the glory of the moobs to shine through.

Cunning ole Si though has thought of everything and has obviously asked the sound people to pin his suspiciously heavy looking microphone at such an angle it drags down a good inch or two of T shirt so we can feast upon a bit more of Simon’s chest, lest we get withdrawal symptoms before the lives. Snort.
For some reason, Andrew sings A Little Respect, not Angels. Simon tells him that him and his Angel need to have a conversation and it’s a no. Yes, and Simon, maybe a little conversation with your Microphone Angel wouldn’t go amiss either.

A brief clip of some shite awful group called Earth Children or something just as bad who manage to elicit some superb gurning from all of the judges.

At last it appears we have seen enough of Birmingham’s Sunshine Coach Party and we cut to Louis who says “We have never had a winner from Birmingham and I don’t think we ever will”. When you are nodding in absolute 100% agreement with Louis Walsh, you know things have stooped to an all time X-Factor low.
Oh and ITS NOT OVER. We are back with another special resident off of the Variety Club Bus, its Simon. Not THAT Simon but a skinnier, more Birmingham-esque, less attractive model.
Simon ll asks if he can sing “On top of the world” and the other Simon says wearily “Do you really have to?”. And I’m almost on the verge of forgiving him for the microphone thing.
Unfortunately, Simon ll still inflicts a terrible version of the song upon us – bless Dermot backstage who tries to sing and dance along to make Simon ll’s fairly normal parents feel a bit better.
Cheryl says “I love that song but no” which makes me giggle for some reason. It’s kind of sickly sweet but just so deadly at the same time.

Lots of shots of cross judges stomping backstage moaning about Birmingham’s distinct lack of talent.
In a rare moment of butchness, Simon makes a football reference and gives Birmingham “A yellow card warning”. Well, it might have been butch if he hadn’t followed through with one of those camp shoulder shrugs he loves to do.
Ads. Thank heaven. Comparing Meerkats is more enjoyable than auditions from Birmingham.
Crack open the Lambrini UK, the X-Factor lorries are headed south, out of the talentless barren waste grounds of the Midlands and back to London. Surely things will improve now right?

Dermot enquires whether they might find the next “Big Thing” in London. For those that saw Steve’s audition on the X-tra Factor, the answer is a resounding YES. For those that didn’t…

First up we have Behrouz. Behrouz has come clad in very tight leather trousers and describes himself as a Eunuch. What? OH! No, he said Unique with a dodgy accent.
Shame, coz what a sob story – I don’t think any X-Factor worldwide or indeed the mighty American Idol has EVER had a Eunuch. I’d have run with that if I was Behrouz.
Behrouz doesn’t want to be a star because there are lots of them, he wants to be The Sun. Should I turn Patrick Moore here and enlighten wee Behrouz that the Sun is actually a star as well or would that seem pedantic?
He wants to blow the judges away. Watch out backstage, Simon and Louis, it could be your lucky night.
Simon gives Behrouz one of his dirty once over’s that turns from lustful to ewwww in roughly 0.2 nanoseconds. Louis is grinning happily. Cheryl kind of shudders.
Louis does the interrogating and discovers Behrouz is 29 and from Persia. Persia? A country that doesn’t exist anymore? Oh no wait (*goes off for Google search*), ah yes, Persia, now known as Iran. Not quite so bloody exotic is it? Persia brings up images of colourful carpets, gaily dressed genies and shiny lamps, whereas Iran kind of hints towards a medley of suicide bombers, deranged leaders and repression. OK, Behrouz, I’m liking the Persian thing, nicely done. We are imagining you as Aladdin not Abu Hamza.
Louis continues with his (verbal) probing and enquires what his Big Dream is – to which Behrouz replies “To go as far as Elvis maybe”. Well, you won’t be fitting in that tight leather get up for much longer then if that’s the ambition chuck. Here, have a fried cheese sandwich.
Simon is sniggering behind his fingers but perks up when Behrouz tells him he is singing Take Your Mama Out by the Scissor Sisters (I feel in my bones that this is one of Simon’s favourite groups).
Behrouz starts shakily but soon gets into the swing of the song, gyrating and thrusting his skinny ass for all its worth. I also like the way he has,(no doubt in homage to Sir Si) his shirt unbuttoned to the navel and is unashamedly flaunting himself like a rent boy up there. Singing is mediocre bordering on crap but you can’t fault the entertainment value. OK so he is a 2009 version of Chico but look what happened to him! Still working Bullins even to this day!
Cheryl has to admit it was very entertaining. But after those auditions from Birmingham where you were hoping Emma Chawner might show up to IMPROVE the show, this doesn’t really say much for Behrouz’s chances.
Louis can’t decide if he is really good or really bad. Something I often find myself pondering about Westlife actually.
Dannii calls him a Cheeky Little Thing but entertaining and appreciates it was a hard song to sing.
Simon tells him he is barking mad and adds huskily “God you’ve got strange eyes” . I can’t make my mind up whether Si thinks they are strange in a good way or a bad way. As usual with Simon, you can never tell which way the wind is blowing.
Behrouz gets 4 yeses and is through to Boot Camp! The first one of this show. At this rate, Boot Camp is going to consist of around 7 acts. Oh no, wait….it’s time for Boot Camp Cannon Fodder to be added.

Behrouz Ghaemi X Facror Auditions

Everything goes “A Bit Birmingham” with A Medley Of Shite.
During the last judge’s break, presumably whilst Simon snuck out for a fag (not in the American sense of the word I hasten to add Mr Clifford…), the other 3 obviously ganged up and decided they would play the game “Lets Piss Off Simon” for the next hour or two by putting through a myriad of talentless no hopers.
First there is Michael who sang The Script (an Irish Band – clever). He really is awful but only Simon can see this and tells him he won’t ever be good enough. He is put through.
We have a terrible girl in terrible shorts who Simon informs “is like the member of a girl band who can’t sing”. Did he look pointedly at Cheryl whilst saying this? I think he did. Cheryl gets her own back by giving her a yes so Simon appears to do a pretend wank over her head. Oh Simon, millions of women have fallen for your dark good looks, but you just got me with your pretend wank over Cheryl.
We then see Victoria who Simon describes in doggy metaphors. Something about poodles and greyhounds but nothing about singing. Once again the remaining meddlesome trio of insane judges put her through as well. There aren’t enough pretend wanks in the world that Simon can do to express his disgust.

A close up shot of major Simon displeasure and huffing it’s all “complete and utter torture” which is usually the pre-emptive strike of someone good about to come on a la last week. And let’s not forget he is getting paid trillions to endure this crap – all we get are ads for doing a poo at Pauls and chirpy Meerkats comparing themselves. Dot Com.

Slight change in musical backing tone denotes it might be time for A Good One. At last.
We meet Rozelle who has made a 4500 mile journey to the auditions. Does she come from somewhere far, far away or did she stay on the Circle Line too long?
Ah, its option A, Rozelle is from Trinidad and Tobago. Gosh, all these FOREIGNERS. Is there an option at Immigration to tick an “Auditioning For X-Factor” box or something? I quite fancy living in Manhattan, do you think if I try out for Idol, the US run a similar scheme?
Rozelle has watched X-Factor on YouTube and she HAD to come. We are slipping into sob story territory pretty darn rapidly – faded photos of Grannies Who Bought Me Up and tales of how it was HARD to leave said Granny, but what the hell she is there anyway. The Coldplay track is gathering momentum and there is talk of DREAMS. It’s a bit of a letdown that Granny appears to be still alive, but you can’t have everything I suppose. However with old people you can never tell WHAT might happen by the time Boot Camp comes along can you??
Rozelle takes the stage and you can’t help but like her. She has an infectious smile and is bubbly and cute. Dannii is lovely to her and makes her feel at ease (I don’t get to write about Dannii much as she is The Sensible One and doesn’t provide nearly enough ammo as the others to snark at but I like her). Rozelle is singing Jennifer Hudson’s One Night Only.
She is great and its well needed at this stage – so far this show has been a depressing mix of the terrible and odd, a dash of weird with a heavy sprinkling of crap.
Simon has a genuine smile at last and Dannii says she is beautiful and has sparkle. Cheryl says it’s one of the best versions of the song she has ever heard. Louis is glad she came all the way from “Tobigo” which sounds like it’s in County Mayo not the Caribbean. Mr Cowell tries to put him right but in Louis little world, she is always going to be from Tobigo. Because it sounds a bit Irish. Anyway, he loves her so it’s all good.
Simon tells her to phone her Grandma and tell her she got four yeses and a wink! Yes a wink not a wank! Hoorah!

Rozelle Phillips X Facror Auditions

Ads. Phew.
We are back with the judges walking about backstage with Dermot trailing along backwards trying to get some sound bites.
Cheryl is whimpering about the lack of good groups and Dermy asks if she is worried about “being lumbered with the groups?” Ha! As if! Groups are Copyright Mr Louis Walsh, 1, The Irish Castle, Dublin. Cheryl however, pretends it might be a realistic possibility and sighs they don’t have any good bands yet. Oh, I feel some gratuitous group auditions coming on viewers….!

First up we have The Stunners. Naturally enough, they aint. Remember that Plato bloke who philosophised that in Heaven there was a perfect example of Everything? Well, The Stunners have reserved the slot marked for “Delusional”.
Actually, they aren’t THAT bad. With a bit of effort and Cheryl Cole sized make-up and clothing allowance, they might’ve bordered on pretty, but dressed in cellulite-hugging, unbelievably unflattering grey jersey tops and with nothing more than brief encounter with a No7 dawbette of blusher, then Stunners they most certainly are not. But even the Nation’s Treasure would be a bit of a minger in that get up.
They don’t help themselves by comparing their singing abilities to Mariah Carey, Whitney, Christina Aguilera and Justin Timberlake. Simon tells them they aren’t short on ambition. Which is good because they are short on everything else. Most noticeably, singing talent.

The Stunners X Facror Auditions

Simon says it’s rare to find two people as bad as them. RARE, Cowell? RARE you say? We just sat through the Birmingham auditions for craps sake! For once the Other Three agree with Simon and its 4 No’s.
Another Woolworths (RIP) Pick n Mix of the Truly Terrible starting with Check Out, two blokes who worked on the till at Asda’s. And that’s where you will still find them. 4 No’s.

A second gruesome twosome inflict The Proclaimers on us (NO x4) and then we have a boy band that look the part i.e. Louis little face brightened momentarily – and then they started to sing and it dropped like a stone. Simon tells them they have the charisma of four bananas. Cheryl does a pretty fine Birmingham drawl and tells Si he is “very very harsh” OH! The sneaky sods – we are back in Birmingham are we? Kept that quiet – no wonder the Talent Scale is back down hovering near the Amanda Holden slash Uri Gellar end of the spectrum.
Dermot sighs the judges are getting frustrated (Quick! They need Behrouz and his promise of blowing them away!) and the groups are just not measuring up.
Enter stage right, Miss Fitz to hopefully improve the outlook. They are a 3 piece girly band and one member, Gemma, has a juicy background story – she is yet another piece of X-Factor flotsam and jetsam, rejected after reaching the Judges Houses in 2006. *Misty footage of Gemma being rejected by Simon*.

Miss Fitz X Facror Auditions

Simon says “I know you Gemma” to whoops of delight from the audience at some implied sexual connotation. Simon seems rather keen to dispel any innuendo about him and Gems, which is odd, because he pays Max Clifford a king’s ransom to convince the public he is a serial womaniser. A chance of some free hinted at Girl Action and he is suddenly very uncomfortable. Bless.
Anyway, he tells Gemma it was “unlucky for her” to be in Leona’s year. Cheryl helpfully adds they don’t look like Misfits to her!
This is Cheryl nestling herself into the role of National Treasure once again. Vomit.
Miss Fitz tell us they are going to sing Britney with a Twist. Oooh, “Baby One More Time” in the style of Metallica? How fab! Unfortunately, it’s nothing that exciting. Its Toxic in the style of Jamie Cullum or some other crap easy listening nonsense. Still, it’s not half bad actually and mildly enjoyable. Cheryl almost starts singing along then thinks better of it, as Miss Fitz are managing to stay in tune and Cheryl might not.
Cheryl absolutely loved it but before we continue *RED ALERT* it’s another of those “what the holy crap are they wearing* moments from the Judges. You would think, with a stylist, a Premiership Footballing husband complete with a Diamond Amex card, pick of the clothing racks at both Primark AND George At Asda, Chez would be able to find summat stylish to turn up to the auditions in wouldn’t you? Instead, she obviously had a rummage round her Nan’s wardrobe, plucked some hideous green number that looks like the moths had nibbled the collar and cuffs and thought “ooh, lovely, that will save me 3 hours trailing about the Trafford Centre this afternoon”. Honestly, zero effort love. Please try harder next week. Simon’s dodgy T-Shirt with “Mike” (seriously, WTF???) written on the front looks better.

Where were we – oh yes. Dannii says they were sensational and Louis says it was an unusual song choice but it absolutely worked.
Simon says they were clever as most girl groups come on and sing Girls Aloud which is pointless. Hehehehe – the camera fails to pick up the evil Death Glare from Cheryl but we all know it’s there.
Its 4 yeses and one shot of Simon looking like the Supreme King of Smuggeryville twinned with Smugglesburg. But it gives me another fine opportunity to titter at his T-shirt with Mike on the front. Oh, hang on, I’ve just realised, its probably a subtle reminder to the sound people as to where to pin his microphone to obtain maximum moob exposure isn’t it!

Ads.

We are back in London and Spirits Are High. See, I told you it wasn’t tea they had in those mugs.
Fasten your seatbelts as we are introduced to Daryl. It all starts off innocently enough. Oldish bloke who always wanted to sing, but never had the breaks, the usual stuff. It’s a clever diversion though, as Daryl has a solid gold, NAY Platinum Sob Story up his sleeve…which he cleverly saves to reveal on stage, because that’s where you go to Pour Out Your Heart isn’t it Britain?
Simon spots the highlighted blob on his notes that mean “Probe Contestant: Has Potentially World Class Tale Of Woe” and asks Daryl to tell us a bit about himself.

Daryl Markham X Facror Auditions

Daryl couldn’t come last year because he was at his brother’s wedding. Right on cue the tinkling piano notes of impending doom cut in. But this year the brother has well and truly stuffed things up because he had the audacity to DIE.. Daryl soldiers on with the fable and the piano is working overtime, there are photos of Dead Brother, tales of his abandoned work bench and for good measure a child is added into the mix that Daryl has promised to take care of. Gosh this really IS the Sob Story with everything isn’t it?
William Shakespeare would have been PROUD to add this to his collection of Tragedies. Budge up King Lear, shift over Hamlet and make room for Daryl the new Tragedy Tsar.
Let’s give the guy his due though, he has a decent enough voice and throws out a pretty good audition, singing “I don’t wanna talk about it” *brackets unless it’s a bloody superb sob story that will get me to to Boot Camp close brackets* and once I’m over the irony of the song choice I warm to Daryl a bit. He seems like a nice enough fella.
Judges give four yeses and then, no doubt shoved on by a producer, the Cute Child Of Tragedy leaps into Daryl’s arms, triggering a run on the Kleenex box on the judges table. Except for Simon who doesn’t do emotional, only smug and gives Daryl a wink instead.
Ads. After that Overload of Gloom it’s a welcome respite to compare meerkats isn’t it?

We are back to strains of Elbow’s “One Day Like This” and Dermot rattles on about older contestants for whom this might be their last chance (in a tone that implies if they fail at this hurdle they may as well book a one way excursion to Beachy Head).
We meet 33 year old Jamie from London who appears to be a one man tribute act for the Hair Bear Bunch (remember them?). Oh that hair! I honestly think there is something lurking in there and my guess is its probably X Factor “insider” Sinitta.
The producers have gone to some effort to show us pictures of a Young Jamie and the music is verging on plummeting into a Sob Story-esque tinkle, but it’s unusual for X-Factor to do two Sobbies in a row, so I’m guessing Jamie might actually be designated this week’s “Good One At The End”.
We see a brief clip of Simon getting annoyed with someone crap and scoffing a tangerine before Jamie comes on.
Simon greets Jamie with a rather dodgy “Hello you” as if he is trying to pick him up at a bar or something. We find out Jamie is a musician who has never made it because he isn’t a businessman. Dragon’s Den is in the OTHER studio Jamie mate, I’m sure Peter Jones can help. No? OK then.

Jamie Afro X Facror Auditions

Rather amusing shot of a look of total horror from Simon when Jamie tells him he will be singing Kings Of Leon’s Sex On Fire. I’m waiting for him to tell Jamie to sing Mr Bojangles instead but fortunately, he doesn’t.
Stealing a whole packet of clichés from the Louis Walsh Cliché Cupboard, Jamie owned the stage and is potentially world class! He reminded me of a Young Mick Jagger (albeit with bigger hair, smaller lips and no indication of illegal substances)!
He belts out a cracking version of Sex On Fire and even gets Simon singing along – Simon Cowell knowing the words to a decent, current song? I’m still getting over the shock.

Cheryl tells him he is a born entertainer. Dannii thanks him for coming and Louis is uncharacteristically insightful, saying we don’t usually get that kind of singer on X Factor (no we usually get silly Irish boys that CANT SING don’t we Mr Walsh?).
It’s a 150% yes for Louis, whose grasp of the concept of percentages gets less and less coherent each week. Dannii giggles “Yes please” like she is Babs Windsor in Carry On X Factor and Cheryl gives another resounding yes because he is excitin. Simon tells him he just got “2500 yeses” and Jamie is through to Boot Camp! Whooo!

And that it till next week, which if they even HINT they are going back to Birmingham for the auditions I may join the failed Over 25′s on their one way trip to Beachy Head.

  Alan Walton - No Matter What

  Behrouz Ghaemi - Take Your Mama Out

  Jamie Archer - Sex On Fire

  Miss Fitz - Toxic

  Rozelle Phillip - One Night Only

  The Stunners - I Wanna Dance with Somebody

  Daryl Markham - I Dont want to talk about it

Related posts:

1. Saturday August 22nd 2009 X-Factor Show Review
2. Saturday September 5th 2009 X-Factor Show Review
3. Saturday September 19th 2009 X-Factor Show Review
4. Saturday September 12th 2009 X-Factor Show Review
5. Saturday 3rd October 2009 X-Factor Show Review