Saturday 12th December 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor The Final – Saturday December 12th 2009

So, five months on, 199,997 contestants down, and 32 Cheryl Fashion Disasters later, we have arrived at the Final with our three Potentially World Class and Relevant Acts that have each given One Million Percent. Louis will be glad to note that they all look like Little Pop Stars and no Michelle McManus types made it further than the Audition stage this year. Tonight, three become two as the end of the series is dragged out in a four hour extravaganza, with a 24 hour advert break in the middle in which we can vote, go to the toilet and then vote some more.

We start with a montage. SPOILER – get used to them. This is the first of about 74. I’m not recapping them all as they are exactly the same. Just use this handy Montage Guide – First Audition Footage /Cheryl looking wistful / Simon looking smug / Act punching air / Act hugging Mentor / Act meeting Drug Addled Celebrity / Act singing a bit / Act getting through to the next round / Act saying “It means everyfink to me” / Act saying the word “DREAM” a bazillion times – ad infinitum. Naturally, both shows will consist of more padding than David Beckham’s underpants.

Cheryl says “Everything is at stake” . Hmm just WHO will it be who gets to sing that insipid Hannah Montana tune and be in the bargain bins by New Years Day? Simon lies it’s the closest competition he has ever been involved in. Isn’t it funny then, how every betting shop in the country has Joe roughly ten miles ahead of either of the other two? But we must pretend that it’s a “too close to call” three horse race to encourage VOTES. No doubt Dermot will have been told to say “only 4 votes separate the remaining acts” at some point.

And Titles!

Dermot bounds on, his charm bypass still very much in evidence as he twirls his way onto the stage with all the charisma of a Lidl baked bean. He bellows at some gigantic screens, where big handfuls of Chavs have been rounded up to screech for us in the contestants home towns.

Cheryl and Simon

Let’s get the judges out for the penultimate time then. Only two more Cheryl dresses to laugh and point at. My weekends will seem so incredibly empty from now on. It’s the perpetual Rent-An-Undertaker look for the boys as usual. Dannii has on an uninspiring bit of cloth, and her earrings look like they have been made by 6 year olds with some Hama Beads. Cheryl doesn’t disappoint though and tonight has come as a Mermaid with water damaged hair that even L’Oreal could do nothing with. A Mermaid that hails from the murky depths of the Tyne though, rather than balmy, mystical oceans as there are lots of black splodges on her dress that are probably fag ends or used condoms. No doubt her shoes are taller than the Empire State building as she is teetering like a novice tranny as she hobbles to the desk, clutching hold of Simon for dear life. Ah, forget the bland artistes and mediocre warbling, its moments like this that make this show unmissable.

Olly Stacey and Joe

As it’s a speshal night, our Final Three are allowed out, judges style onto the stage so we can laugh at their outfits too! Olly has come dressed as a bouncer – albeit the weediest little bouncer in the universe, in a waistcoat and tie. Joe looks like he is on his lunch break from work experience at Comet with his blue shirt and stay press trousers. They have popped Stacey in what looks like a blue chenille dressing gown, jazzed up with a gold belt that’s round her neck not her waist – otherwise known as Essex Style.

Dermot grimly reminds us that one person will be leaving tonight. He does try to sound like he cares, but fails miserably.

Over to Dannii who lies expertly and says she had “the best day out EVER with Stacey in Dagenham”. That’s like saying you had the best romantic weekend away in Kabul EVER. We have a Montage O Stace, then Stacey bobbing up and down next to a Christmas tree squealing about being in the “Final fwee”. Dannii, who has actressy powers that we didn’t know existed, looks joyful as she is driven round the ghetto like expanse of Dagenham. Litter wafts past a launderette and Dannii claps her hands with glee. I think she supposes that she is on the set of East Enders. Stacey goes back to her school then home, where she can’t believe Dannii Minogue is in her house! Kylie would have been better, obviously. Night falls, and Dannii avoids being mugged for her Louboutins because it appears most of the local constabulary are on hand to implement crowd control at Stacey’s local theatre. I bet the Dagenham Militia had a ram raid in Stacey’s honour.

Stacey What A Wonderful World

Back in the studio, Stacey is singing her first audition ditty, “What A Wonderful World”. Its rather lovely and the contrast of Asthmatic Frank Spencer talking Stacey and Voice Of An Angel singing Stacey has never been more eloquently highlighted.

Louis thinks she is great and deserves a place in the final. Cheryl is squinting a bit through her mascara that looks like it was put on with a bulldozer driven by a blind man but agrees with Louis and thought she was great. Simon’s looking particularly relieved Stacey wasn’t in his category and he had to do the pilgrimage to Dagenham. No doubt he would have had some sort of decontamination chamber set up on the A13 if he had. He is glad Stacey is more relaxed and says she continues to surprise him. I’d love her to surprise him even more and beat Bland McBlanderry or Bendy to the final. Dannii is Proud and says she has grown since her first audition where she turned up in shorts. X Factor may have improved her fashion, but she still acts like she is a comedy character invented by Catherine Tate.

Cockney, Dermot-Lite, Jeff Brazier is on duty in Dagenham and shrieks about pizza and then gets knocked to ground whilst some chavs steal his watch. It’s better than Crimewatch. Dermot looks open mouthed in horror and asks if that’s normal in Dagenham. Stacey is non plussed. Of course it is. Dermot hints that Stacey wants a piece of Jeff. She doesn’t deny it. Lord help us – their offspring could keep Britain’s Got Talent going for decades.

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Back with Simon and Olly. Fast forward quickly through the Mur’s Montage and then the chat in front of the Christmas tree. I want to see Simon pretending to like Essex! Olly is a lucky boy as Simon’s got his chopper out for him. Fnarr. They fly to Olly’s old school and land in a muddy field behind millions of kids pressed against a chicken wire fence. Is it a school or a correctional facility? Olly sings (and almost certainly does some Dad Dancing – which we are spared!) and then is transferred to Simon’s big shiny mid life crisis car to go home. Seeing Simon Cowell in a normal house scoffing Angel Delight seems as out of place as Katie Price in a Nunnery. He moans about his Angel D, saying it could do with more milk – six and a half out of ten. God, he’d be a tiresome shag wouldn’t he? “I don’t think that blow job was relevant – 2 out of ten”. Olly is toasted with a cup of tea and gushings from Simon about how he “genuinely” likes Olly. I think we established last week, that “genuinely” is Simon-ese for “I’m Lying”. Back in the shiny car to a gig in Colchester where Simon says it’s the best red carpet shindig he has ever been to. Genuinely. Haw. Of course a tiny provincial theatre in rural Colchester could upstage the Emmy’s, the Grammy’s and the TV Quick Awards.

Olly Superstition

Olly’s first audition song was “Superstition” and back in August, we all thought his quirky dancing was quite endearing. Now the sight of him gyrating about like he has put wet fingers on an electric fence makes us want to vomit. Vocally, the performance isn’t too bad but once again, it’s all cancelled out by excruciating dance moves. Apart from the signature “being electrocuted” manoeuvre, Olly has introduced a new one for this routine, “The Gynaecologist” as he slides under the akimbo legs of the dance troupe. I do hope that at least one of them took the opportunity to write something obscene on their gusset.

Louis is almost combusting with love. “You sing, you dance, you have the X Factor!” he says. Dannii agrees and congratulates Brian on the “spectacular” choreography. Since when has a bendy little Essex boy sliding under the crotches of 8 women been “Spectacular Choreography?” It’s a regular occurrence on any Saturday night in any nightclub in any Essex town. Cheryl thinks he is an “entertainer” (which appears to be X Factor Code for “can’t sing very well but compensates with a cheeky smile and shite dance moves”) and deserves to be there. Simon said he took a risk with Olly but it was “the best risk I ever took in my life”. Hmm, I think Zig and Zag worked out better.

Ethnically Diverse Dermot – O-Like, Michael Underwood is reporting from Colchester. Everyone shrieks and waves banners. Being a tad posher than Dagenham, Michael retains his watch and keeps upright during the segment.

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It’s back with Cheryl and Joe. Montage. Christmas Tree Ramblings. Naturally, Cole is effervescent at going back to Newcastle and for the occasion, is wearing a hoodie and scarf emblazoned with skulls. Is she planning on hooking up with the members of her old posse and going to do over a toilet somewhere? First stop is the old school, where Cheryl flaunts herself at some builders in front of two thousand children. Joe says “I can’t believe it” about 80 times in this one piece of footage. Then it’s back to Joe’s house, which if you remember, is decked out like a sauna. I think Granddad was hoping Chezza might strip off, languish on the sofa and await the steam. Instead, Cheryl tentatively nibbles the corner of a mince pie, whilst perched on the very edge of a chair which Joe translates as “Slipping right into the family”. After the obligatory sobbing from Nan, it’s off to do the evening gig. Joe “cant believe it”. For a change.

Joe Dance With My Father

In the studio, Joe’s First Audition (which has long since been erased from my subconscious) was “Dance With My Father” and he sings it again, oh so nicely but oh so blandly. There is the addition of a hearty choir to relieve the boredom a bit but I’m still amusing myself with Twitter rather than giving it my full attention. I’m certain though, that every post menopausal woman throughout the land has reached for the phone and has their fingers poised to vote for Bland McBlanderry and his potential album of crooning covers. I feel slightly ill, and I’m sure it isn’t the Iceland spring rolls.

Louis sounds like he has found the after show drinks stash already and slurs that “You’ve got it all man”. Dannii thinks he is adorable and “never lets us down”. Yep, perpetually bland, I’ll give him that. Simon tells us Joe is NICE and DESERVES to be in the final tomorrow night. Cheryl isn’t taking any chances and throws an emotional tremble into the mix, getting tearful (but cunningly with no ACTUAL tears, as that would send a black silo of mascara down her cheeks that would need an industrial pot of swarfega to remove). It should be enough to soak up the last few grannies who haven’t already got their digits on the redial button.

In South Shields, we have female Dermot O’Leary, and less famous Girls Aloudite, Kimberley Walsh on duty. She is trying hard to not seethe too furiously as she is squished amongst a horde of screaming chavs in freezing Newcastle whilst Cheryl lounges in the studio getting her back stroked by Simon. Newcastle people shout incomprehensible things which seem to involve pies so Kimberley gives up and hands back to Dermot.

Huge RECAP and Ads. At 250K per 30 second pop I suppose it’s inevitable there will be millions of ad breaks but just how many times can you see Jamie Oliver serve turkey from a lorry and NOT WANT TO KILL SOMETHING.

We are back but Cheryl isn’t. Her Mermaid Frock seems to be slowing her down – maybe her thong got caught in the wrappings of it and she had a toilet malfunction. She gets her bum in her chair just as Dannii introduces Stacey. “We have surprises but WE CANT GIVE THEM AWAY”. Which is fine, except Simon told us at the Press Conference that Stacey was singing with Michael “Oh God Not Again” Booblay.

This time its “Feeling Good” and I am until: A. Stacey Speaks. and B. The Boob comes on and starts singing and ruins it. Stacey is SO much better than him. She got short changed with her guest star. Couldn’t Simon have persuaded Madonna to come on and do “Like A Prayer” for goodness sakes? He is rich enough to buy her a whole orphanage filled with needy kids ripe for adoption- surely Madge couldn’t have resisted? I bet if Stacey was Simon’s act she would have done better than this. It could only have been worse if she had gotten Westlife.

Stacey and Michael Buble

The Boob has trouble deciphering Dermot. “Its the English accent” explains Dermot. No, it isn’t, its that incessant squeaky little voice you put on that makes me want to stamp on you. Boob is keen to tell us The Queen listens to his albums. Simon doesn’t pipe up to say that this “Isn’t relevant”. When pushed by Dermot, Boob agrees that Stacey “has what it takes” and they shuffle off stage together. I can almost see the thought bubble over Stacey’s head saying “I wish I’d got Britney”.

Simon introduces Olly and says he is really looking forward to this. I am too, “genuinely”. I hope you catch my drift.

Olly is singing “Angels” – gosh I do wonder who the Surprise Guest is? Jay-Z? Eminem? No, its Robbie Williams of course. Robbie is channelling a bit of Jedward in his hair and in his performance -stuffing up in spectacular fashion, he misses his cue completely. Oh dear, been on the Red Bull and the tiny pills again Robbie love? Olly and Robbie clutch each other and teeter around the stage like two drunk brothers at a wedding. The future of British Pop is looking murky.

Olly and Robbie

Dermot’s post performance cringeterview is saved by Robbie taking the piss out of the liberal X Factor misuse of the concept of percentages. “He should give it 110% maybe even 111% or if at all possible a 112%”! Ha! Pissed or high, I don’t care, that was brilliant Robbie.

Next up its Cheryl who has “enormous butterflies”. I think she stumbled upon Robbie’s little pills. Here comes Joe singing “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me” and its slightly more exciting, as the tabloids have been filled with “will he or won’t he” stories about the possible No Show of George Michael. Is he passed out in his car, embedded in a tree and has Sir Elton has been wheeled in instead? No! George has generously given up a night of cottaging on The Heath to be on X Factor instead! Goodness knows what Simon had to promise to get him on but I hope Joe doesn’t accept a lift home in the Range Rover after the show. I’d imagine Joe thinks “dogging” is taking Cheryl’s little puppy for a stroll in the park. George is sporting some dodgy facial hair, but otherwise is wearing well, given his hobbies. Joe looks a bit like he is singing with his Dad and beams a lot. Its the vocal performance of the night and even though George failed to wear a Choose Life T Shirt or Club Tropicana Speedos, he still has Star Quality and makes Boob and Robbie seem a bit Bargain Basement.

George and Joe

Dermot’s here to ruin things. George gleefully tells Joe he “rose to the occasion”. Snigger. Even Dermot has to stifle giggles. George tries to congratulate Joe but a narky Dermot cuts him off to do the phone numbers. Go on, George, DECK HIM. With your Range Rover, preferably.

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Cheryl’s late back AGAIN. What’s going on backstage tonight? Have they put attendants in the toilets? Big mean ones that want revenge? For this next round, the contestants are singing what was considered their Best Performance Song of the Series. One wonders if Joe will cover Jedward’s “Oops” as that was the best performance of all six series of X Factor.

Stacey’s up first, singing “Who Wants To Live Forever” as its when she first started to believe in herself according to Dannii. Ooh, did anyone else spot Stacey has snaffled Cheryl’s Mrs Darth Vader slash Vampire Stripper with the Princess Di Wedding Fetish frock from last week? Its the short sparkly black mini dress with the giant cloak attached! Stacey nails the song, even with the dodgy dress. The wind machine is ramped up, Dannii clasps her hands with joy, Stacey sings for her life! Its fabulous!

Louis says she was vocally perfect and hopes she is in the final tomorrow. Cheryl agrees and has her fingers crossed she is in the final. Simon says she “smashed it” and Dannii is Proud. Stacey is chuffed to little meatballs with her compliment from Simon and squawks about being in the Final Fwee again. Jeff in Dagenham has been given an ugly bodyguard now and bravely wades in amongst the crowd. The resulting footage is basically screams and frantic banner waving. Back to Dermot who asks Stacey for the 5th time if she thinks she has DONE ENOUGH? She “finks so” but sagely notes “you never know wot mite appen”. Stacey has more humility in her left fingernail than Danyl managed to muster over the last 8 weeks COMBINED.

Over to Simon who says this was the performance when he knew Olly could be a pop star and he knows he will give it 150% (oh dear, Robbie’s sense of irony was well lost on Cowell wasn’t it?) . He is singing Fool in Love and its a return to the shiny, ever so tight, flaunt your package trousers that were such a big hit back when Jedward were still here. There isn’t too much nasty dancing in this set and the choreography is cheeky which suits Olly to a tee. Its a clever song choice and it could be enough to see him into the final.

Louis thinks he’s sexy. The ENTIRE nation does a collective “ewwwww” – at least they did in my house. He hopes Olly is in the Final…along with Stacey and Joe of course. Dannii loved it. Cheryl wishes him luck in the bottom two?? Ooh, has she been peaking at the votes? Simon thanks the celebrity guests for giving up their time (that could have been spent singing to the queen, getting high or dogging – delete as applicable) for the acts. He then goes on about how Nice Olly is, how he has Grown and how Proud he is. It sounds suspiciously like Goodbye. In Colchester, Michael is doing the best work of the Pretend Dermot’s and manages to make himself heard over the caterwauling Colchestians. He has a chat with Olly’s PE Teacher who confirms for us, that Olly is NICE. Michael confirms it again – Olly is LOVED BY EVERYONE. I do find myself wondering if Danyl’s PE teacher would have been able to 100% confirm his Humility? I guess we shall never know.

Cheryl introduces the “Gorgeous Joe McElderry” who has fished around in his seemingly bottomless Elton John repertoire and reels in “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”. And um, yep it was nice. There is absolutely nothing of interest to write about. No insane choreography, Simon didn’t do “vomit hands”, Louis didn’t “seal clap” and there wasn’t even a firework. Maybe its a good time to mention how splendid the Christmas trees look on the stage?

Louis thinks he deserves to be here tomorrow night. Along with Olly and Stacey. Oh Louis, did they remove some brain cells during your eye bag surgery? Dannii feels proud. I think Joe should name his very first album “Proud”. Simon thinks he is special – presumably in a good way, not in a “Can be found on a Sunshine Coach” way. Cheryl getting choked up again, but luckily enough, not emotional enough that real tears might escape. She ADORES Joe and urges us to VOTE. She throws in an epic lip tremble and emotional squint just in case we were wavering. Kimberly up in South Shields is trying desperately not to come into contact with the commoners and skirts the edge of the crowd nervously. Its all too much for her and hands rapidly back to Dermot, announcing “its crazy”.

Right, several minutes of phone pimping and shameless padding follow so plenty of time to invent a foolproof way to rid the world of Jamie Oliver as we head into the ads. After which we are promised Robbie flogging his new single. So that’s approx 10 minutes you can be away from your telly – Id suggest getting the nachos under the grill.

Back to the studio where Cheryl is once again wriggling her way back LATE. Has she been trying to turn George Michael onto the joys of lady gardening or simply reminding Joe how PROUD she is, as he may well have forgotten, since its been, ooh, 2 minutes since she last said it.

Robbie Williams X-Factor Final

Robbie is wheeled out to sing his latest tune. Its all just glitzy padding and terrible enough to make you think “oh I’m bored – I know! I’ll pick up the phone and vote for that lovely Joe”. If you are completely stupid anyway. Robbie twirls about with a cane and the backdrop is giant Christmas baubles which spin slowly. Its like you are comatose from too much White Lightening and are passed out under the tree in the High Street. At the end, a giant wreath is displayed telling us to “Have a Merry Robbie Christmas”. Passed out under the tree in the High Street then? Two things then happen – Dermot announces “National Treasure Mr ROBBIE WILLIAMS!”. Cheryl’s face immediately loses “Proud Mentor” status, and morphs to “Furious Bitch”. Dermot is obviously misinformed to who is a National Treasure around here. Second, the camera zooms in on an audience member – its Prince Harry and his floozy. Has Grandma sent him to get her Booblay albums signed do you think?

Dermot thanks us on behalf of Simon’s New Car fund for all the 35p’s you have added to the coffers but warns us the LINES ARE NOW FROZEN. A bit like the railways in January after a sharp frost.

The acts come out with their mentors. Cheryl still cant walk in her stupid Tyne Mermaid get up and is hanging onto Joe like he is her carer. Dermot tries to build some tension, but you can tell he cant wait for it to be over and get down the pub. In No Particular Order of course, the first act through IS – Olly! Simon looks thrilled and hugs him tightly – probably to stop him dancing and remind the public he is a bit shit really. Well that’s it for Stacey then. She knows it and looks resigned. Joe is buried in Cheryl’s boobs. Dermot does a dramatic “fix yourself tea and toast” pause and announces Joe is through. He hugs Stacey but is wrenched off by our “affable host” and told to sling his hook as Dermot NEEDS STACEY.

Stacey and Dermot

Her journey will not be complete without a besty bits montage and some tears. Stacey doesn’t seem bothered one jot, and is her usual self. “Fird is really good innit?” she says. Yeah Stace, it IS. Well done kiddo (urk, where did that Simonism come from?). Stacey was the second best thing from series 6.

So the final will be a two way fight between Bland Mcblanderry and Bendy Olly. How the hell are they going to fill two hours with those two? I’d suggest alcohol and LOTS OF IT.

Olly Dermot and Joe

Back tomorrow with the FINAL RESULTS.

Related posts:

1. Saturday 5th December 2009 X-Factor Show Review
2. Saturday September 12th 2009 X-Factor Show Review
3. Sunday 6th December 2009 X-Factor Show Review
4. Sunday 13th December 2009 X-Factor Show Review
5. X Factor Finals Part 1 In Pictures & MP3s