Sunday September 27th 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Boot Camp Sunday 27th September 2009

It’s a Montage Version 1.0 as we see all of lasts night show scrunched up into a 35 second ball of VT then 35 more seconds of “What’s To Come” tonight. Tears, Songs, Judges, Tears, Songs, Judges times bleeding infinity.
Titles. Dermot Sans La Roof with a load of rubbish dialogue to spew. I really think he was considering chucking himself off his lofty parapet after the 93rd time he was made to say the word “Dreams”.

Shots of judges arriving in cars to be deposited amongst a cheering crowd who want a snog and cuddle (Simon, Cheryl, Dannii) and autographs (Louis). Judges are stopped for Wise Words to the camera. Simon says brightly “It’s going to be brilliant today” Although he is probably talking about the bit when it’s all over then jumps on his Private Jet and sods off back to his LA mansion. Dannii excitedly exclaims “We don’t know what we are gonna see!” Did you have your eyes shut yesterday love? Do you think you are here to watch The Royal Variety Performance rather than that troupe of shite that you have so carefully cherry picked?? Louis says “There is nowhere to hide!” Oh I don’t know, plenty of lurking in closets goes on at X Factor. Cheryl seriously notes “They’ve got to pull it out of the bag” But is only interested if it’s a Prada.

More filler footage of yesterday’s show. The judges take their seats for the last time. Thank feck.
First victim of the day is Behrouz from Iran, er I mean Persia.

He says he needs a platform to express himself. Busking at Platform 2 at Waterloo should suffice Id have thought. He says more random completely mental things with his wild starey eyes, clad in a military jacket and I’m kind of hoping (nay PRAYING)the Anti Terrorist Squad are tuned in. The boy appears slightly unhinged. If this doesn’t go well I fear he will rip off his shirt to reveal a torso wrapped in plastic explosive. The backing track shrieks “Danger Danger”. “On this stage I’m just gonna kill it” he tells us. Bloody hell. Flak jackets on judges.

He does a completely insane version of Purple Rain. The shirt DOES come off, but luckily no sign of anything with wires. Simon crunches his biro into a million tiny fragments and the other judges look on in amazed horror or wonder – it’s difficult to tell which (pesky Botox). Simon looks a little worried as Behrouz skips past him – whether it’s the oily squeak from his leather trousers of the look of madness in the eyes I’m not sure.
Louis still thinks he is great and Dannii thinks his moves were good. Simon looks at them in disgust. He probably threw bits of biro at them.

Some speeded up footage of people we will never see except as they are rejected en masse and Dermot wearily tells us that this FINAL performance could change their lives forever. Dermot really sounds fed up now. Any second I can see him teetering over the edge of his roof wailing “I believe I can fly”.
TreyC whimpers she doesn’t want to stay at a Call Centre. Probably because they will make her change her name back to Tracey.

Cute blond Lloyd doesn’t have any Dead Relatives to peddle, so instead chooses a Michael Jackson song as that’s almost as good these days. Simon has put his biro down and is stroking his chin which is usually a good sign – well done Lloyd.
Kandy Rain, they of the slutty outfits, do Oasis’ Cryin your heart out. Kudos to them they didn’t do a Girls Aloud song AND the fact they still are insisting on wearing their Tarts Boudoir gear despite it not raising anything more than an eyebrow with Louis and Si. Cheryl’s Pat Butcheresque earrings are swaying along quite nicely so it’s definitely looking good for the girls!
Jade does a rousing “You’re gonna love me” and Simon likes the fact everyone backstage is pushing themselves now. If not onstage, then off of Dermot’s roof.

Talking of Dermot, here he is again. “No-one wants their dream to end” he says wistfully. He does however want Boot Camp to end though. I get that from his bored shitless tone.
Its Dominic next who got to Dannii’s house a few years ago. Whiny strumming guitar and winsome footage of X Factors Past. This year, Dominic is looking to go All The Way. Dannii looks a bit worried.
He does Paolo Nutini’s Last Request. He is OK in the voice department although he has zero stage presence. Simon seems bored with him and flaps a hand to stop the song after only one verse. Dannii says he is a “different person now”. Simon continues to look bored. I’d say it isn’t looking too great for Dominic. Wrong judge in your corner I’m afraid Dom me old china.
Ads. It’s that brilliant Talk Talk Rainbow song again! I’m so championing this as the Winners Single!
Back to shots of Nice London before an extreme close up of the Hammersmith Apollo which cunningly hides the fact the place is a total crumbling, dive.

Miss Frank, the “surprise twist” act from yesterday, made up of 3 solo rejects to pad out the ever feeble groups section, are being heavily pimped. They are singing “Wishing On A Star”. Not the one from Pinocchio, the Rose Royce one. It starts off “a bit karaoke” (copyright S. Cowell 2003-2009). Simon looks pissed off and bored – or is that his default setting? Then Graziella spices things up a bit with a rap rift which seems to go down well with the judges. I don’t know why. She isn’t exactly Eminem. It’s a bit horrible really but the audience go mad.
In the post performance bitch off on the judges table, Cheryl is impressed with what they have done with “no time” but Simon says they have no chemistry at the moment. Louis says they have. Cheryl says they need to get to know each other. Si looks pissy again. This one could go either way.

Dermot says the Pressure Of Boot Camp is getting to everyone (no shots of him hurling himself off of a tall building yet though). Thomas, who we have never clapped eyes on before says he will devastated if nerves let him down. It’s a devastated Thomas therefore, who leaves the stage after fluffing the lines to Holding Back The Years. No sympathy – I reckon I could blag through a version of that and I haven’t heard it since 1989. Simon mutters he can’t handle the pressure. Thomas will be in a Line Up of No’s for sure. Another “not seen before” contestant, Ivy goes the same way and I’m expecting her next to Thomas in half an hour or so for the Discharge Of Doom. Simon huffs some more. Hang on in there babes, LA is only a few sweet hours away now.

Next up its Susan Boyle I mean Scott. Autistic Scott. Scott is having trouble remembering his lyrics. I’ve suddenly come over all maternal. I don’t want Scott to screw this up, but I fear he isn’t in the Medley Of Forgetfulness for nothing. It’s as I feared, Scott loses it after only a few bars. I’m jumping up screaming at my telly “Simon you gave that horrid little Verruca Salt on ‘Talent a second go – LET SCOTT TRY AGAIN”. But he doesn’t. He flaps his pen and says Scott isn’t the only one to forget the words today. Quick text to Oprah to cancel Scott’s appearance. Bugger. Backstage, I like Scotty even more for not crumbling into tears and making Dermot’s shirt soggy. He takes it all with very good grace, which is more than some other contestants who seem to wail and whine constantly between songs. Which leads us perfectly to Rikki “Eyebrow Of Shit, Hat Of Shit, Necklace Of Shit, Songs Of Shit, Tears Of Shit” Loney who is moaning as usual. This time it’s a sore throat. Take a Strepsil or sod off back to Glasgow then.

Oh, I can now add “Shorts of shit” to the list of Things I Hate About Rikki. Naturally, he makes sure the judges know all about his sore throat. Si looks brilliantly unimpressed when The Rickster says he had to “go to hospital” with this throat thing…even in the land of mega stars, this is awesomely over the top and just SO lame. I bet even Si tries sucking on a Fisherman’s Friend before checking into the Portland if he has throaty problems. Rikki croaks his way through “Chasing Pavements”. It’s awful which I can’t help feeling strangely happy about. Some wicked wincing from Simon and Louis. Rikki whimpers “I’m sorry” and cries. Simon pouts and say he isn’t sure he should have sung. Rikki leaves the stage, one hand clutching his throat, one wiping away tears.
At the judge desk bitch off, Louis fights Rikki’s corner and says “We have to give him a chance”. Simon flashes back “WE don’t have to do anything” -HA! It’s a bit camp but showing me his Anti-Rikkiness makes me want to have babies with him. Get shot of the little tosser Simon and all your Series 6 Crap T Shirts will be forgiven.
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Dermot says The Same Old Thing. We see previous auditions. Someone give me a prod when it gets going again please.
Essex Boy Olly is up, who I did previously warm to, however his no socked feet with dress shoes and a hat seemingly borrowed from Rikki is making my love wane considerably.

The totally ridiculous “Minder” feem choon that they have decided to play EVERY DAMN TIME we see him is grating now as well. He slides back up my Like-O-Meter a notch when he sings “Your Song ” though. It’s very cheesy, but then that’s X Factor in a nutshell I suppose. Cheryl’s Pat Butchers are jiggling with joy. Simon is sucking his pen. Dannii has her “smile reserved for the cuties” on. It seems promising for Olly. Simon is a bit annoyed that Olly didn’t take a risk. I’ve no doubt he’ll be annoyed with someone else later for singing something “out there”. For some people, there is simply no pleasing.
Dermot is made to say “Everyone’s Dream is on the line”. Poor bugger.

A Duet of boys also talk about Dreams. This is De-Tour who do Last Request. Simon looks bored. Again. Hasty clipette of Harmony Hood who do “With or Without You”. The briefness of their clip may mean instant doom later I fear.
Cocky Asbo / Tag boy Curtis is back. The attitude has gone so that means he is now completely uninteresting and gets only 3 seconds of airplay. A better bet would have been to bring on a pistol and demand Simon’s Rolex. Cheryl would have “admired his swagger” and he would have been through in an instant.
Slightly less slutty than the other girl band, Project A enter to do “Rise”. Lack of skimpy outfits rewinds their airplay to 2 seconds. Learn from Kandy Rain and FLAUNT girls. The Stacey who isn’t the Stacey from Essex does With or Without You.
Jamie Afro is up next, exposing more chest hair than Simon and more head hair than the entire judging panel put together.

His fear is to go back to singing in pubs again. Simon approves and has his biro in his mouth like a bone. He’ll be panting in a minute.
Jamie is singing Boot Camp favourite, With or Without You. I like his performance, even though he appears to have one of Cheryl’s dresses hanging out of his jeans pocket. Is this some kind of trophy?
Simon says he is always going to deliver (bonus points for not using Louis’s Fed Ex joke from last year). Louis thinks he is trying too hard. Simon says it was a bit corny. Yes, and? This is X FACTOR not the Old Grey Whistle Test boys. Jamie hugs Dermot backstage and we nearly lose Dermy in Jamie’s hair.
Stacey From Essex is made to talk common and do bimbo for a little while. Some tears over her ickle son.

Well done Stace, you are guaranteeing some precious airtime minutes here without the aid of Dead Relatives! Cry a bit more, talk even commoner, there’s a dear. Right now – SING! She does “There You’ll Be” and it’s a solid little performance. She gets a rare, Boot Camp Simon wink. One of the first sightings of the day.

In the Bitch Off though, Simon says she didn’t look comfortable. Dannii says she was missing the sparkle – ah yes, but wait till Sinitta has gotten hold of her on the lives and decked her out in a sparkly bikini, then it will all come together!
Next up is the much pimped Danyl The Overrated. He does an inexplicably odd “beat box” version of Holding Back The Years.

I seem to remember an old American Idol finalist doing something like this – has Danyl been on YouTube a bit too much this week? Simon’s not very impressed and goes uber camp and hand flappy, enquiring whether it had occurred to Danyl to sing the melody of the song? Haw – its Simon’s vocal equivalent poking him with a very sharp stick. Danyl’s face crumples. Beat Boxing now doesn’t seem like the brilliant plan it did 2 minutes ago. The bloke on Idol LOST – that should of told him something.

Simon moans that Danyl should have stuck with something “safe”. And I’d like to remind the Right Honourable Gentleman of his comments to Olly who did that not 10 minutes ago and you HATED IT. Danyl cries backstage.
Time for the judges to go home in their shiny cars – quick stop en route for a kebab and some tinnies first of course.
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A corny shot of a sunrise and Dermot has one of his shittest links EV-AH when he has to say “The contestants are waking up to the Most Important Day Of Their Lives!”..and what do you need on the Most Important Day Of Your Life? A camera crew barging into your hotel room whilst you are still in your jammies and have morning breath that could floor an army. We learn Rikki has more Shit Hats, Ethan wears Adidas track pants as PJs and Jamie’s hair is even BIGGER after a night’s sleep.

Cameras haven’t been allowed into the judges bedrooms which is rather disappointing. We all wanted to see Simon “pre shave” and Chezza without her slap. Eeeek! Dawn Of the Judge Dread!
Instead the judges roll up, freshly made up, fake tan applied, Botox topped up and hair gently coiffed. And the girls look great too.
Much is made about the judges NOT AGREEING about acts which is heartening because it’s just SO boring when they get on. I’m sorely missing the scandals of inter-judge hatred. It much more amusing when Louis flicks snot balls at Dannii during the lives and Simon draws a biro tattoo on Cheryl’s other wrist.

Louis says “There are some people I love that Simon hates”. Are we thinking Lucie From The Village or the product of the Devil’s IVF, the Evil Irish Boy Twins? ITV will be running a Phone Vote shortly.
Simon pulls up in a bigger, shinier and altogether more important car and mutters “I can’t make my mind up”. Old news love.
Dermot says it’s time for the judges to make some very difficult decisions. And after they have decided what they want in their lunchtime sandwiches, the less important task of whittling down the contestants starts. The photo cards are So Yesterday, and today a rather cool computer table has been dragged in, complete with “overhead cam” which looks down on Cheryl’s hair extensions and Louis’ dandruff. Simon helpfully explains to his bitches that they have to choose 6 for each category and they are going to start with the boys.

Footage of Simon’s finger sliding over boys.
Tedious clips of boys.
Judges argue over boys.
Repeat as above for Girls, Over’s and Groups.
Finally it is done and Simon says “Lets go and tell them!” His white Primark T shirt positively gleams in the glow of the computer table and his big toothy grin.
Next – Whose IN and Whose OUT??? It’s far too late in the recap to make yet another obvious joke about the judges.
Ads. Chuckle at Dermot’s voice overs for Argos which are generally better written than his X Factor dialogue.
We are back to Dermot’s Drivel and it’s time for the Final 50 to become the Final 24 until next week where they become the Final 12. FECKING HELL.

Contestants are brought out in rows which generally consist of 5 nobodies and one pimped contestant in Rows Of Failure. With Rows Of Success you generally have seen endless clips of every act so it’s hardly a tension builder.
Row one consists of Dead Brother Daryl and a heavy sprinkling of nobodies. Using my precise formula above, it’s not shock news when Simon tells them to piss off.

Next up is Jamie Afro, Essex Olly, Not Essex Stacey and Dead Dad Nicole. What do we think viewers? It’s an unsurprising Yes.
Now you are warmed up, have a stab at this line up. Essex Stacey, Miss “Cobbled together at the FINAL hour” Frank, Bloody Shit Rikki, TreyC and (possibly to throw you off the scent a tad) that boy duet….oh there is no fooling us Mr Cowell! It’s another YES!
A cluster of groups we have never seen – No. A row of completely unknown and never once shown acts. No. Another of the same except it has Scott in it….another No. But Simon pinches Cheryl’s cloak of Compassion for a second and meets Scott on the stairs to shake his hand and be, well, compassionate. He goes all Jeremy Kyle and tells Scott “He has grown as a person”. Patronising git.
But he does let Scott go and snog Cheryl and Dannii though, so partially forgiven. Close up of Cheryl dabbing her tear laden lashes (probably just an excuse for her to get a tissue out and wipe off any germs she might have contracted from close contact with Someone Ordinary). Scott has a great attitude backstage – I hope he tries out again in a few years.

More nobodies sent packing. The two girl bands, the slutty one and the less slutty one are both through. They need someone to be first out on the lives don’t they?
Uh oh, its Dominic From Before and he is in a line up of random nobodies. My formula is still working a treat and Its Bad News. Dannii takes the news worse than he does and he is discreetly shoved over to give her a hug. Both of them look a bit squirmy at this point. Cheryl simply can’t be left out where hugs are concerned and although can’t get her claws into Dominic, she embraces Dannii making sure her Cloak of Compassion is firmly back in place.

Geordie Joe, Yankee Ethan, Not Very Memorable Despina and a Nobody make up the next group. There is no way Cheryl would have let her Geordie go so it’s another predictable Yes.
The Satanic Boy Twins, Rachel, Mohawk Daniel and some boys make up the next batch. Louis gets to tell them it’s a Yes. Amusing footage of Simon telling Louis “If I get them I’m not going to have them on the plane” Very wise, Simon Id stick to nuts and a small can of coke every time.

One man Crime Wave Curtis is in a Row of Nobodies so guess where this is going? Goodbye X Factor hello Young Offenders Institute.
Suicide Bomber In Training, Behrouz is also amongst some Nobodies and goes all weird (OK – weirder) when he is told No. Simon’s anxiously looking for his body guard. Behrouz continues to lurk behind his chair. Simon whispers “Don’t make eye contact” like Behrouz is some kind of escaped wild animal. Louis keeps a beady eye on him until he exits into Dermot’s care.
Lucie From The Village, Overrated Danyl, Cute Blond Lloyd, Trucolourz and an Unknown Girl are next.

Simon says “For you it’s the end”. Get on with it Simon, my formula is so not wrong with this lot. “Of The Bad News – you’re through” he continues. Oooh someone call the Crash Team I just flat lined with shock.
Next – the judges find out which category they will be mentoring. Although why they didn’t just look on the internet like everyone else I simply do not know.
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Dermot runs though our Final (until next week) 24. I’ve mentioned them all at some point. Google is your friend if you can be arsed and actually care who they are. All that’s left is for the judges to find out which group they have been lumbered with till Xmas. Or in the case of the Groups, till around Halloween.
Cheryl reminds us for the 52nd time this series that she won last year. This year they better watch out because she’ll be doing EXACTLY THE SAME THING. Saying “Amazziinn” a lot and wearing too much make up then? Sorted.

Poor little doomed Louis says he is sick of the other judges winning and “This has to be MY year”. Oh bless him. He so has the groups.
Dannii says she has won before and wants to win again. Simon says he’d like to win again too and what’s been proven is that when he wins, he wins BIG. Although he doesn’t name names he may just as well have had an “I heart Leona” T shirt on.
Random footage of three people in an office shuffling bits of paper. This represents the X Factor producers who in reality are getting rat arsed in a nearby pub and will decide over a bucket of Bacardi Breezers and some Pork Scratchings.

The judges are gathered around a table with some water and a bowl of twiglets. Dannii says “Louis can’t get the groups this year.” Shots of a girl group saying they don’t want Louis because he didn’t like them as much as the others. That’s settled it then. Louis has the groups for sure. Simon wants the Overs or the Guys.
The Decision Has Been Made! Time for the judges to meet their acts! This must mean its nearly over!

Simon is feeling nervous. Simon has a big hole in his ratty jumper…it must be the one he wears when he knows Common Folk will be touching him. He opens his door and finds the Over 25s. Jammy, jammy, jammy as usual. The Overs touch his holey jumper and jump about. Jamie said he wanted Simon and is sooooo happy. They do some bonding and outside Si says “This could be a great year for me – I mean them!” Arf.
Next to find out is Cheryl. She has the boys! They try to hug her but she kind of keeps them at a distance. “Here we go boys” she smiles. Outside she tells Dermot she is “Happy shocked”. Had it of been the groups it would have been the other kind of shocked.
Here’s Louis ready to meet his groups. Neither side looks surprised. John and Edward now know they are guaranteed a slot on the lives. Project A cannily mention JLS. Simon and Cheryl wet themselves when Louis appears to tell them the news.
Dannii is chuffed to get the girls – and the girls are chuffed to get Dannii. Rachel takes a tumble which adds a little bonus comedy footage to the end of the show.

Everyone laughs at Louis a bit more when he says there are “one or two good groups there.”Heehee.
And that’s it. I’m already salivating in anticipation at what Sinitta will be wearing at Judges Houses next week so see you then!

  Behrouz Ghaemi - Purple Rain MP3 (1.1 MiB)
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  Danyl Johnson - Holding Back The Years MP3 (1.8 MiB)
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  Dominic Harris - Last Request MP3 (948.3 KiB)
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  Jamie Afro - With Or Without You MP3 (1.5 MiB)
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  Miss Frank - Wishing on a Star MP3 (1.4 MiB)
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  Olly Murs - Your Song MP3 (867.5 KiB)
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  Rikki Loney - Chasing Pavements MP3 (810.8 KiB)
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  Stacey Solomon - There Youll Be MP3 (1.3 MiB)
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Sunday September 27th 2009 X-Factor Show Review10.0102

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