Sunday September 20th 2009 X-Factor Show Review

FINAL Series 6 Audition Show! Sunday 20th September 2009.

Cut to Simon looking serious and cross, pointing a finger at the camera. Montage of worried looking auditionees. Simon narrows his eyes and says:
“You want fame? Well fame costs and RIGHT HERE is where you START PAYING”.
Shots of Cheryl and Danni pirouetting and leaping about in leg warmers and sweat bands. Louis is plinking away on a nearby piano. And Titles.
Oh all right all right, so it really DIDNT start like that but I was just going for a change of theme rather than the usual DULL medley of X Factor lorries, boats, helicopters and planes spanning the “length and breadth of Britain” (honestly, I think the carbon footprint of this show could rival China sometimes).
We are told we saw some “Amazing Auditions” and are shown Jamie, Stacey and Ollie again just to prove it. Dermot, with some obvious relief in his voice, tells us this is the last day of the biggest auditions EVER and we are on one last whistle stop tour of the country.
Some judge pimping proceeds with Louis saying they have already found “great talent” and anything today is “a plus”. I’m thinking there will still be enough minuses to pad out at least 70 of the 75 minutes of tonight’s show. Simon says “Everyone wants the Over 25s” . That’s basically just Simon’s way of telling the producers what category is best, therefore HIS this year. More direct than a text message I suppose. Dannii says she isn’t feeling competitive “yet”. Which is good because at least we have another few weeks to look forward to her dramatic on screen breakdowns over stolen song choices. As usual, Cheryl says nothing of note but smiles prettily to compensate.
Random clip of Louis prone on the floor, on those bizarre “fitness discs” with Simon looking over him as if he is his bitch. The next shot is of a thousand balloons being released skyward. These clips are either supremely wickedly clever, yet subtle X Factor metaphors or filler footage. I’m still having trouble deciding which, personally.
First today are Pub Singers, Paul and Tom, or “Them2″ to give them their stage name. Oh bless them they want to be as big as Robson and Jerome!! As the evil mastermind behind that musical abomination is on the judging panel, then Them2 are in the right place. Simon tells them “Good luck” although you can tell he would have been more sincere about this if Paul and Tom had come dressed as soldiers rather than lumberjacks. They sing One Love, badly. Simon says they were terrible…but obviously they are not nearly so good at being terrible as Robson and Jerome were as its 4 No’s. They are humorously despatched to “Tragedy”.
Dermot tells us the judges are having a bit of a nightmare. Is Sinitta pestering them again?
Faye is 16 and wants to be Amy Winehouse. Isn’t it nice we have such bastions of society for our children to aspire to? She sings “I’m No Good” which is about the most appropriate song choice she could have picked. Simon says “Everything was wrong”. Maybe try some hard drugs and a loser boyfriend Faye love then come back next year to see if you have improved.
Then we meet Terry who has made the main show because he has Something Funny to say. He was shot by his brother! What an absolute bugger it wasn’t captured on film though, as at least that would have been £250 from You’ve Been Framed rather than a sarky (and I think scripted )comment from Simon Cowell who enquires whether Terry was singing before the brother shot him. Still, everyone titters at Simon’s amazing “off the cuff” joke so it’s all worked out as it should.
Jarrod sings Beat It and when it doesn’t go well, decides removing his T shirt to reveal a scrawny, sparrow like chest will win over the panel instead.

He might have been onto a winner if he was built like David Beckham and not David Gest. There is a quadruple shudder from the judges and Louis uncharacteristically sharply tells him to “Beat It”. They have definitely got script writers in this week.
ADs.
Its London and the running theme of this series, Yet Another Old Contestant. Albeit this one is back from the golden, heady era of Pop Stars: The Rivals – you remember, it’s the one that didn’t have Simon on it and gave us Girls Aloud. The good with the bad then.
Daniel was a “winner” who made it to the boy band “One True Voice” that bombed spectacularly about 3 days after the series ended. Since then, instead of making music, Daniel has been busy making Babies and Family. Unfortunately for Daniel’s X Factor dreams, his family look extremely healthy and not verging on DEAD so he could struggle. As they aren’t looking terminal, Daniel instead plays the “Hunter Gatherer” card, wittering on about wanting to PROVIDE for his cute little tribe.

On stage, Cheryl tries desperately hard not to look smug and fails. She is nauseatingly sanctimonious to him. Her Cloak Of Compassion is suddenly pooling round her ankles. Louis tells him it must be tough to come back (*and see Cheryl sitting there like Queen Sodding Muck). Daniel says he knows it’s a challenge but he is up for it. And how he manages not to chuck his mic into Cheryl’s pompous lip glossed gob I will never know.
Daniel sings Seal’s Kiss From A Rose very competently. Cheryl gives him a Standing Ovation which makes me hate her even more than I did 2 minutes ago. Louis admires the fact he is a trier although he isn’t sure about the Hair. Like that’s a deal breaker on a singing contest. Simon tells him that exact point. Although to be fair, I’m sure they have put people through on other tenuous stuff before like coming from IRELAND or NEWCASTLE. There is much Judge Love for Daniel and he is put through to 4 yeses. He rushes off backstage, no doubt to check the family for any useful symptoms of impending illness he can milk at Boot Camp.
A brief montage of Boot Camp Plumper’s. Despina’s dream is to Be Noticed. She fails because I can’t remember what she sung but she is through.

Nicole’s dream is to Be A Performer. If X Factor ends in tears, there is always Stringfellows pet. For now, she is through. We meet Twins called Siren who are Leona in stereo. Simon doesn’t seem to notice but Cheryl does, prodding him sharply till he wakes up and responds. Also through. Graziella is sailing through with a wink from Si who says he loves her. But not enough to let us see more than 4 seconds of her audition. You have to be much more shit than that to score decent airtime which leads us nicely to CASYR.

CASYR stands for something so random and crap I can’t be bothered to share it, suffice to say it’s to do with caring and relatives and that kind of total tripe. It’s basically an excuse for their entire 32 strong family to be backstage man handling poor Dermot. Nathan and Laura are a Family Duo of cousins. Apart from their bloody stupid name, they look about as well matched as Alan Carr and Katie Price would do if they shacked up. They are going to sing “No Air” which is good because Simon loves that song apparently. Unsurprisingly, we are soon wishing that this bloody pair did indeed have “No Air” as they destroy it most convincingly. Simon says he has a new name for the group which is Caring Relatives Are Problematic. Script writers earning their crust this week for sure.
Ads and a Competition Plug.
We are back and Steve Lee sings “When You Believe”. Its only marginally worse than Leon Jackson’s version. Simon still says its horrific, and in keeping in theme with his song choice, Steve doesn’t believe him. Regardless he is told to shove off. Next is the Girl With The Most Inappropriate Name of the Series – its Melody who doesn’t have any. Michael is Mr Wigan who simply gets his kit off. Even Simon and Louis are tired of this trick now.
Paula isn’t off to a good start when Simon tells her she looks like she is about to lay an egg. If she could, she would certainly get a call back for Britain’s Got Talent, surely? Instead she murders “My Life Would Suck Without You” which is much less entertaining. She divulges that she has spent *read wasted* £600 on singing lessons. Some *ITV plant* I mean audience member shouts to Simon that he should give her money back. Seeing as £600 is probably less than he spends on black hair dye each month, he seems quite agreeable to this plan. Gawd bless you guvnor. I’d definitely expect a phone call from the Palace around New Year.
Dermot puts on his *SERIOUS* voice which is usually the pre-emptive strike of a Sob Story of Epic Proportions. We meet Scott who is 21 and has spent the last 7 years indoors suffering with a form of Autism. Naturally, his ultimate recovery hinges on this audition, so pick your cushions up Britain, this could get mighty uncomfortable very quickly. I’ve got mine half over my eyes already. Scott’s inspiration is his mum and his singing teacher. *Raise your cushions another inch everyone.

On stage, Cheryl conveniently asks Scott to tell us something about himself so we are doubly sure of that this is a “Journey” Audition. Scott says he has a dream and Simon tell him it’s his moment. Scott has wisely come dressed in the style of “drab” so that we are all trebly shocked when he is GOOD! He does a belting version of “You Raise Me Up” racking up extra Louis points for doing a Westlife hit. Simon is wearing his “Susan Boyle YouTube Phenomenon” Look Of Love already. He discreetly texts Oprah from under the desk, booking Scott a slot ASAP.
Cheryl says it was a shame Scott has been hidden away. Louis says he is totally surprised and that Scott sang his heart out. Dannii says he sings with passion. Simon asks how it made him feel, which isn’t the wisest thing to say to someone who is Autistic, but still. Simon gets Singing Teacher out on stage and fawns over both of them for a minute. Scott is unanimously put through and I find myself throwing my cushion up in celebratory relief.
YET More ADS???
Eileen, the ancient pensioner with the unhealthy urge to shag Simon is back from yesterday. Her lust has increased overnight apparently and tells a rather nauseous looking Dermot that Simon is now even more of an Old Ladies Dream.

Haw…visions of Simon Cowell calendars hanging in the rooms of every resident in Homes For The Elderly throughout the land. Simon is obviously pleased to see her, even when she sings exactly the same song as yesterday. Just as badly mind but with some tinny background music. He grins inanely at the fact he is such Pensioner Magnet. Eileen flirts some more and tells Simon she can show him a thing or two. More chuckles from Si and he fuels her lusty urges by telling her “he likes her” with a twinkly smile. Not enough to put her through to Boot Camp mind, as they have already got a A Token Old Person. Wannabee Mrs Cowell takes her inventible rejection well though and tells Si he made an old lady very happy. Sweet. Give her one of your sweaty T shirts as a souvenir eh Simon?
It’s time for a Gaggle Of Yeses. M&G are two lads who work in Harrods and tell Simon they spotted him shopping one day. A rather worried and defensive Si asks “What department?” and it’s obvious relief when they say “Candy” and not “Fancy Dress”. Trucolourz (there’s that chuffing ZED again) and Project A get through, boosting the Group Quotient by around 20%. A Daniel gets a yes and a wink but I fear there are already far too many Daniel’s /Danyl’s hovering around Boot Camp so I’ll be surprised if we ever see anything of this one again. Rachel is another (YAWN) “back from last year” contestant who gets the final Yes of this Montage. Dermot insightfully tells us Boot Camp is Filling Up!
My stomach starts to sink when we meet Amy from Gateshead to a background track of Girls Aloud. It doesn’t take Stephen Hawking to work out where this is headed. Her Inspiration is Cheryl and I find myself doing one of Simon’s brilliant “What the feck” eye rolls to this news. Amy is Nervous and my mind’s eye can already picture EXACTLY how this is going to pan out. Amy sings “Falling” which is totally the wrong choice but I have 10p on the fact that this isn’t the only song we will be hearing from her. It’s not good and even Cheryl says the song is too big for her. But does add “she looks like a little pop star”. Grrrr. Simon says she is good but not fantastic and it was the Wrong Song Choice. Shock. Amy starts to crumble. Saint Cheryl the Compassionate is on her starting blocks. Amy splutters through tears THAT SHE NEARLY SUNG A GIRLS ALOUD SONG. Simon tells her to sing that instead to which Amy moans she might forget the words. Cheryl simpers she will help. I want to stab my eyes out.

The “Girls Aloud Song” is Stand By You which isn’t really a Girls Aloud song AT ALL, just a Pretenders classic that Cheryl and her cronies murdered a few years ago. Naturally Amy forgets the words and there it is, I bloody well knew it, up jumps Chezza to join Amy onstage. Cheryl teeters on her ridiculous heels and they sway like two chavs at a Butlins Disco as Amy blunders her way through the song with “encouragement” from Cheryl who tells her to “go for the big bit”. My Vomit bucket is over loaded. I promise to love Simon forever and ever Amen despite his crap T shirts if he tells Amy she was a total train wreck even with Little Miss National Treasure helping out. He bloody well doesn’t and Amy inexplicably gets 4 yeses. There are no words.
A welcome Ad break so I can go and inject some heroin which might make me forget Amy’s audition.
Surely we are near the end now aren’t we?
We meet Asbo Boy, Curtis who has come to the auditions wearing the latest teen “must have” accessory, a tag. I bet stoning would be a much better deterrent personally. Much is made of Curtis’ Hard Life (which does include A DEAD BROTHER – yay!) and how he wants to have a Life With Direction. No doubt that will involve stealing your car first then. He says “X Factor is giving me a chance” . He doesn’t say what will happen if he is given his marching orders, but I’m guessing security was stepped up near the judges just in case.
Simon asks him to tell us a bit about his life which Curtis finds a real drag and gets bolshie with him as well as having a flirt with Dannii and then going on to say “Let me sing now”. Simon is lost for words which is actually quite funny. Curtis sings “Let Me Love You”. It’s OK, but he doesn’t seem to be putting that much effort in for some reason. Youth of today eh? Cheryl is impressed and says he reminds her of Chris Brown. Can we add GBH to Curtis’ list of crimes as well then? Curtis gets bolshie with Simon again so Si “has words” and goes all Father Figure. Insert your own George Michael joke.
Simon says he likes his swagger. Cheryl does some weird “bad boy” impression and says “its a yes from me”. Simon tells Curtis he is incredibly “current” (which seeing as he didn’t even sing a Kings Of Leon song, is high praise indeed) and that he has got 4 Yeses. Amusing post audition banter with the judges and Simon telling Louis “You couldn’t work with him” Louis agrees wholeheartedly. I bet Louis is a Daily Mail reader. “I could” announces Si, self importantly. “I’d love to work with him” croons Cheryl. That Louis another giant leap closer to the groups again this year then.
And that is it. There is a humungous montage showing everything we just endured over the last 6 shows in about 2 minutes. There is an idea for next year then.
Next Week: Boot Camp! Yippeeeeee! Back here next week everyone!

  Amie Buck - Falling & Ill Stand By You MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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  CASYR - No Air (765.9 KiB)
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  Curtis Moore - Let Me Love You (1.1 MiB)
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  Daniel Pearce - Kiss from A Rose (1.4 MiB)
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  Eileen Chapman - The Wonder Of You (534.4 KiB)
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  Scott James - You Raise Me Up (1.7 MiB)
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  Steve Lee - When You Believe (1.0 MiB)
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  Them 2 - One Love (834.8 KiB)
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