Sunday 4th October 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Judges Houses Sunday Oct 4th 2009

Tonight its Decision Time! Hugely dramatic footage of judges pretending to be torn over contestants! Contestants sobbing and “Wanting It So Much”! Simon’s poking his eyes out with his biro! Cheryl’s whimpering “It doesn’t feel right”! Louis looks cross eyed and confused! Dannii and Kylie are in a Fish Tank! Dramatic Voice Over bloke practically shoots his load it’s THAT exciting.
Titles.

Dermot’s back on his craggy cliff with the Hollywood sign behind him. I will spare you yet another 10 minutes worth of pointless goings over of everything we endured last night. Dermot however, is paid to do just that, so time to pop to the kitchen for some popcorn ready to lob at the telly when they put through people I hate. Don’t worry, I have a very large bag.

We are starting with Dannii in Dubai. She is on a balcony staring dreamily into the dusty desert, fanning herself like she is the opening scene of an Epic Arabian Romance movie and not the chucking out stage of X Factor.

Lucie From The Tiny Village is the first to discover her fate. They have put her on an empty beach with two pots. Maybe this is meant to represent the Tiny Village with its two sheep. Lucie is “Living the dream” but can’t believe she just said that as “It’s the cheesiest line ever”. Believe me dear, if you hadn’t of said it, the producers would have come up with something far worse for you to say, you mark my words.

Dannii isn’t giving up with her Romantic Theme, and is spread out on a velvet chaise longue. I think they need to send a runner out for some plastic sheeting as the amount of tears that are going to drop on it will soon be of tsunami proportions. Lucie is sobbing already. Dannii does some chat. There is a dramatic pause that’s long enough to be able to pop to the loo and fix a snack. Finally Lucie is told she is Going Through! Screams! Hugs! Tears! She rugby tackles Dermot and pimps her village again. Lucie was always a cert so no surprises here. Next!

Yesterday Nicole cocked it all up in spectacular fashion but hopes Dannii will reflect on her other performances. Not From Essex Stacey, she of the Ronseal Tan, is wandering the beach reflecting whether she did enough. I don’t think I ever saw the sniff of a sob story from Stacey AND she doesn’t come from a Tiny Village OR from Somewhere Common, so no, probably not enough actually. I think the poor deluded soul thought SINGING might be enough. Oh dear. Rachel says it’s a “massive day” and hopes she has shown Dannii enough and doesn’t want to let her down. A cascade of golden bonus points to Rachel for not mentioning Dreams, Dead Relatives, Home Towns (of any description) or that perennial desperate auditionee stand by – Really Wanting It.

On The Chaise Longue of Decision, Dannii tells Nicole that yesterday must have been “beyond difficult”. Nicole squirms and rocks a bit. She tells Stacey (Fake Tan not Essex) that she worries about her strengths as a solo artist against the other contestants. Stacey nods sagely but isn’t crying. Yet. Dannii tells Rachel she felt like yesterday she “arrived, vocally” but she only has three places. OH JUST GET ON WITH IT WOMAN.

Nicole doesn’t make it and sobs on Dannii, then Dermot (who has made an unwise choice of a white polo shirt today. With the amount of snot potentially coming his way today, that was seriously a bad move). Stacey doesn’t make it either and snots up over Dermot. Told you. Rachel though IS through! She can barely believe it. She nearly crushes little Dermot as she careers into him at 1000mph. Dermot will be requesting a stunt double at this rate.

There is just ONE place left and its seconds out round 3 between Essex Stacey and Despina. They both warble on about families and DREAMS, but Stacey has a trump card and will see Despina’s Desperately Wants To Make Her Family PROUD for one Very Cute Ickle Baby. I’m fairly certain we don’t need Mystic Meg to call this one do we viewers?

Dannii strings this one out a bit and there is some “crafty” editing to make it look like Stacey hasn’t made it, but of course she has (she has A BABY for goodness sakes!) Despina sobs and covers Dermot in snot AND mascara. Stacey is so overwhelmed she doesn’t even touch Dermot but gushes in Extreme Essex dialect and phones home instead. I can smell Dermot’s relief from my armchair.
Ads.

We are back in Sunny Italy (!) where its pissing down again and Dermot’s under a huge umbrella. Ella ella ella. He wonders if Mother Nature is trying to tell Louis something? Definitely. Can you not see the droplets forming into the words “For craps sake don’t put the twins through you fool”??? They play the music from The Omen and show us The Horror that is The Groups.

For some completely unfathomable reason, Dermot’s perched on Louis’ bed with Louis beside him discussing his choices. This could well be deeply symbolic, or another cheap jibe at Louis’ sexuality or simply the only place to film that wasn’t wet. Louis says he has changed his mind overnight. Out you go then Dermot, call in one of the strippers instead. Hee hee. Oh I think I just made a cheap jibe at Louis’ sexuality. Sorry.

Louis is taking a bit of a gamble on ONE of the acts. Fecking hell those bloody twins are SO through. Maybe if we tell them shoving wet fingers into a nearby plug socket creates their crazy hair do at a fraction of the cost of expensive gels and mousses they might fall for it?

A few minutes footage of The Groups Wanting It. It’s a shame we don’t want any of them.
The weather has cleared enough for the camera crew to move out of Louis bedroom and it’s time for Louis to deliver the verdict of who is in and who is out. That old X Factor question that refuses to never die.

First to find out are De-Tour. Louis doesn’t do any of the long speeches like Dannii and basically tells them they have no star quality and are going home. Even Dermot isn’t much interested. He gives them a “hard luck” back slap and they aren’t even allowed to weep into his (more appropriately coloured) purple polo shirt. Luckily the boys are wearing big check shirts that resemble giant hankies so they sob on each other.

Next up are girl group, Miss Frank. Definitely the best of a very bad bunch so it’s no surprise that Louis says they are likeable and THROUGH! They briefly hug Louis then charge off for more attractive hugs with Dermy. The combined force of Miss Frank nearly knocks him into the lake.

Louis is glad he gave Harmony Hood a lifeline to comeback but he doesn’t think they worked and isn’t sure the public would get it. It’s just a convoluted way of saying they were crap. It’s bad news. Louis pretends he is sorry. He isn’t because they aren’t Irish.

Time for the strippers. Or Kandy Rain as they are now known. Louis says he thinks they are sexy and sassy. Kandy Rain look as surprised as we do at that. It’s Good News! They cash in and start stroking and fondling Louis. No doubt they will undoubtedly be out in week one, but I’m sure the News Of The World have a thick dossier of sleaze on this lot which will mean exposure until well into the New Year. And then photo shoots for Nuts before a long career on Men & Motors!

Only two groups left, Project A and John and Edward. One of these is a girl band, the other blond Irish Boy Twins. Your mentor is Louis Walsh. I’m surprised Project A aren’t already onboard an Easy Jet , halfway home to blighty. Louis tells John and Edward that he saw something in them that none of the other judges saw. They remind him of the early days of Boyzone. In the days when they were annoying little tossers who couldn’t sing or dance was it Louis? I simply don’t know why Project A have even bothered to turn up. Louis questions whether they have the X Factor? Well they might have but they ARE NOT IRISH so it’s all a bit of a non starter here really isn’t it?

Louis says he thought long and hard about his decision. I could make a really obscene joke here or just tell you the twins came through. Project A are Going Home. Shocker.

Ads and just time to hoover up all the popcorn I just lobbed at my telly.

We are back at Chateaux Chav with Cheryl and The Boys. First up its Rikki. I despise Rikki to a level I usually keep reserved for Richard Madelely. He is snivelling already and I’m hating him a little bit more with every single wretched tear that runs down his cheek.

Cheryl has set up her execution block on a comfy red sofa that’s been dragged out to overlook a pond. She thinks Rikki pretends to believe in himself but doesn’t really. Neither do we. Cheryl says it wasn’t an easy decision but she is putting him through. I don’t bloody believe it. I now know what hell looks like – its X Factor with Rikki in the live shows (granted, with a bit more fire and brimstone). Through the popcorn hailstorm I’m chucking at my telly, I hear Rikki whimper “I’m gonna win this for you”. Have I time to gouge my eyes out with a spoon before the next bit?

Next up its Ethan and Lloyd obviously going all out in a “Cute Off”. Its vests, muscles and hair products at dawn. Lloyd says he hopes Cheryl understands his passion. Crafty. I think that’s code for something. Ethan spouts rubbish but looks damn fine in a vest. Cheryl chooses to ignore important stuff like that though, and concentrates on his singing. Bloody amateur. She says his performance yesterday wasn’t as good as it has been. She tells Lloyd that he really delivered but is concerned with his age. Back to Ethan, she says she has to make a decision based on everything she has seen so far. Ethan puffs his hairy little chest out a bit more. But alas, it’s not to be. Gah. He was going to be my Anit-Rikki. Something nice to look at every week.
Instead, Welsh blond Lloyd who will obviously attract bountiful phone vote booty from the under 12s and over 65s and Welsh people is through instead. I hate Cheryl a bit more for telling Lloyd has to become a “little man”. Vomit into my now empty popcorn bucket.

Operatic Daniel is next. The one that Cheryl didn’t get. Daniel reckons its time they found someone a little bit different. I guess he was overseas during 2007 when operatic, but infinitely better haired Rhydian was kicking about then? Cheryl waffles for a little while. Really, is there ANY point? She believes he really wants this and it makes it a difficult choice for her. THEN (and I can’t believe this actually happened) THEN, madam Cole flutters her thick mascara clad lashes at the camera a few times in mock indecision, a dramatic pause then she wants to “have a word” with someone off camera. It’s probably her makeup army as her lashes have gunged up from all the fake emotional fluttering she’s been doing. Cheryl wanders off to get her slap reapplied, leaving Daniel to chew his nails and rock on the DFS Sofa by the pond. Shots of Cheryl whispering a lot with assorted people in vests. She says it doesn’t feel right and a bloke in a vest (are vests the Moroccan national costume or something?) rescues Daniel from the sofa and tells him to sod off for a little while.

Eventually, Empress Cole flops back down on the sofa (and even SHE is in a bloody vest!) and announces to her subjects she is ready to carry on now. Daniel trots back and is probably thinking he has made it because no-one could be THAT evil and put him through ALL THAT only to say NO. WRONG! Little Miss National Treasure tells him he is too specific i.e. Too Opera whereas she only deals in Cute and From Newcastle. Daniel’s a bit too gay for Dermot to be seen hugging publicly, so it’s a few hearty man slaps only before Daniel is despatched back to obscurity.

Let’s think about this for a nanosecond. One Boys spot left and its betwixt Duane from London and Joe FROM NEWCASTLE! Oh no, another nail biting cliff hanger of gargantuan proportions. My telly hasn’t seen this much suspense since Diagnosis Murder ended.
Duane is crying a lot already. He knows the regional battle is lost. Joe doesn’t want it to end today. Duane’s pink top clashes so badly with the sofa, I’m surprised Cheryl doesn’t call another dramatic halt to the proceedings to ask for sunglasses. Cheryl thinks he can be a bit rigid!! *Insert Babs Windsor Dirty Cackle*. She tells Joe she instantly felt a spark (and what a bleeding shame it didn’t ignite her hairspray encrusted barnet) and felt like she “knew ya”. But she goes onto to say she had to put her “head over her heart” (has Ashley been browsing the Kama Sutra again?). Enough of this pointless pretend deliberation. Duane’s out, Joe’s in. Like it was ever going to end any differently.

Ads.
We are welcomed back to Simon’s house in LA where for the Over 25’s its been a long and sleepless night. Simon’s out on his balcony again not looking like he had a particularly long or sleepless night. I take it they put the Overs up in a hotel then?

Right, first up its Danyl. He says he has shown everything he’s got and hopes he has done enough. Simon’s a tiny bit hyper and says “Hello Danyl” in a very odd voice. I guess he was smoking his OTHER cigarettes this morning. His Royal Si-ness is perched under a brolly up the top of some steps and the contestants are stood in front of a murky pool. It’s like he has a secret button which when pressed the slab beneath the rejected acts slides back and they will plummet into the pond. Brilliant. If only Rikki had been in Si’s group, I bet he would have been pool fodder for certain (and Id have paid LA Pets to fill it with Piranhas). Anyway enough of this mindless chatter, anyone would think Id morphed into Dannii. It’s time to find out Danyl’s fate. Simon says he was looking forward to Danyl The Most but he was disappointed. But not THAT disappointed because Danyl is joining him in the Final! Danyl crumples to the floor and then sobs on Dermot.

Ollie and Treyc don’t want to go back to their Call Centre jobs. Daniel says everyone deserves a Second Chance. Simon tells Daniel he has guts to come back and has tried putting himself in his shoes to see what it feels like. But as Si only does pointy boots with lifted soles, it didn’t feel good at all. A very chipper Si then goes on to Treyc – he calls her “Trace”, obviously like me has decided her stupid name doesn’t deserve to be used. He isn’t sure if she can shine in a group of 12 big characters (or 11 and Rikki). He tells Ollie he had a long conversation about him and it’s important for him to know that. It’s bad news for Daniel. Simon says he is sorry. He doesn’t sound it. It’s up to Dermot to be sincere and concerned which he does with aplomb. Trace (ha! He said it again!) gets bad news too. She doesn’t seem too bothered and says it feels like it wasn’t her time. She is SO plotting an Alexandra style comeback in 2011. Si tells a trembling Ollie sternly that he is A Risk – and jabs his sunglasses at him too. This is Simon at his meanest. But sometimes Si has to take a risk and he is IN! Simons summons him for a cuddle and tells Ollie not to let him down again. Ollie promises to give him everything he has got. Heeheehee.

There is only one place left and the only certainty is that it will be filled by someone with big hair as its between Nicole and Jamie. Jamie says it’s down to whether Simon believes in him or not. If he doesn’t, apparently no-one else will. Does Jamie KNOW that Si is responsible for Robson & Jerome? Nicole is resigned that there is nothing else she can do. “Lets see what the big boy has to say” she muses to Dermot. Big boy? Has naughty Nicole been wandering around places in Cowellville that she shouldn’t? If so good for her.

Naturally she wants this more than anything. Simon tells Jamie that what it says on the tin is what you are. What HAS he been on this morning? He tells Nicole she is a great, great, great singer. That’s never normally THAT important on X Factor. I’m getting worried for Nicole….I’m right, it’s bad news and she leaves after a brief hug with Simon.

Simon toys with Jamie and tells him “You Are Going Home”. Dramatic pause to film Jamie’s face as his world collapses. Then Si chimes in with “With an Invitation to the Live Shows!” I hate that he did that, but Jamie’s face makes great telly so that’s all right then.

So that’s it. You have your Final 12. We have got the boxes ticked for Regional Contestants – Welsh Lloyd & Welsh Lucie, Scottish Rikki (spit spit), Newcastle Joe, An Essex Boy and Girl – Ollie and Stacey plus Irish Twins. We have the rubbish group that will be first out in Kandy Rain. We have the annoying act that will linger for weeks to get the entire nation spitting feathers and Chris Moyles to start a “humorous” campaign to keep them in – John and Edward of course. The shock early exit – my money is on Rachel or Danyl. The ones everyone will moan that can’t sing and are only there on their looks – Lloyd and Ollie have that covered. Lucie and Stacey will have a “Journey”. We seem to have a distinct lack of Sob Stories so expect one contestant to poison a relative or burn down their house if they end up in the Bottom Two more than once.

Next Saturday it all GOES LIVE! Louis is polishing off the cliches, Simon’s picking out a shirt with the top seven buttons missing, Cheryl’s in makeup already and Dannii is, well probably being sensible and the only one that has bothered to see her acts and pick some songs.
Roll on Saturday!

Sunday 4th October 2009 X-Factor Show Review9.7106

Related Posts

1. Sunday 11th October 2009 X-Factor Results Show Review
2. Sunday 18th October 2009 X-Factor Show Review
3. Sunday 25th October 2009 X-Factor Show Review
4. Sunday 1st November 2009 X-Factor Show Review
5. Saturday 3rd October 2009 X-Factor Show Review