Sunday 25th October 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Results Show Sunday October 25th

Last Night! It was Big Band slash Any Old Song We Felt Like Night! Dermot put in a much worse performance than all of the contestants! The Judges bickered and wore silly outfits! There were skimpy clad dancers, inflatable twins, an orchestra, pyrotechnics and petals! It was like Simon’s 50th Birthday Party all over again! Tonight someone will get booted off! Brilliant. The only thing to spoil it is Westlife and Michael Buble who are singing this evening. From the Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll of the last couple of weeks, this week we have moved on to a Nice Nap, an Organic Smoothie and a Dreary Ballad. Plenty of opportunity for me to change my Tena Lady and fix a snack though I suppose.

Titles and Dermot, who, not content with just spinning tonight, does a flouncy kick, announces “Sunday Night Just Got Explosive” and simultaneously a wall of fireworks explodes behind him. Dear God, I’ve visions of final night where a giant willy is wheeled on, and Dermot’s fired out the top dressed as a glittery sperm, yelling “TONIGHT! It’s the Exciting Climax to the X Factor!”

Derms gets terribly excited about Westlife and Michael Buble. “The Boob-Lay’s In The House” he says with a shudder worthy clench of his fist. Its relentless tonight, as he has a whole set piece to say about the Judges which is just too lame to recap. Who knew Big Brother’s Little Brother was actually Dermot’s career pinnacle?

The Judges are wheeled on to The Avengers theme tune and Louis has been de-griefed, with a trendy wisp of gel in his hair, a loose casual shirt and no tie for that perfect, Jolly Judge About Town look. Dannii is wearing a flesh coloured body stocking with a smattering of sequins. Its harmless enough though her hairstyle is a bit freaky – all those rolls make me think Greggs rather than Charles Worthington. Cheryl might be a stroppy mare who can’t hold a note and usually annoys me no end, but she makes up for it in spades with her Wardrobe Catastrophes. Tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be a Sci-Fi Movie Slut! An Alien with sharp claws looks like they have ripped the front off of it already. Classy. Simon has come as Simon in the style of Simon. Now the Official Period Of Mourning is over however, I think he could have gotten away with at least one more shirt button undone.

Lordy, lordy,lordy its the bit I always forget – the Group Song. Having learnt from previous mistakes, they have now wisely decided to let the contestants mime this bit. It’s not good for the show hearing them shriek it out totally off key lest we might start to twig the Final 12 aren’t REALLY the cream of the undiscovered musical talent in the country. Not sure what the song is this week (Fascination? But not the Human League version), but I’m sure it was in the Coke adverts, which makes me certain this was a group song on Idol as well at some point. Everyone is in black and white outfits and Brian has dressed the backing dancers as a Westlife tribute act, clad all in white. Jedward get a pimp spot doing a “talky bit” which seems to becoming their trademark. Or is Cowell honing their “Talking on telly skills” ready to fire Dermot and have this pair host the show next year? Well, the tabloids are screaming they are the new “Ant & Dec” so it’s not beyond possible. That would send the country into a tailspin faster than if Nick Griffin got invited to be on Celebrity Big Brother. *Having said that, CBB is quite partial to a token racist in the line up.

Dermot introduces the lengthy padded out “Story Of Last Night”. Once upon a time there were 10 singing minstrels that had to perform in front of Two Witches, a Leprechaun and an Evil Old Queen….heehee. Olly sang Bewitched but lost points for not twitching his nose. Or wearing tight enough trousers. Lloyd back flipped his way into the hearts of teenagers everywhere. Miss Frank rapped to That’s Life and wore stripes that made my telly go funny. Rachel was “new and improved” and combusting because “Simon likes me now”. Jamie CHEATED and sang U2 but that didn’t matter because he is mentored by The Boss. Stacey sung a Disney song- that WASNT cheating apparently- and was sparkly, in a sparkly dress with a sparkly song and she did it for her sparkly baby. She didn’t care the judges weren’t fussed about her performance because she felt like a Princess in Disneyland. There really must be SOMETHING not to like about Stacey, surely? Danyl was “Feelin good”. Spoiler Alert- this won’t last. Simon thinks Danyl “Won the night”. Spoiler Alert – *Hysterical Laughter*. Little Joe from South Shields Swayed. Cheryl thinks he is like her little brother. Hopefully not the one that’s banged up for drug dealing though. Lucie had a petal drop but failed to impress Simon. “I don’t know what I can do to make him like me” she wails. Try over singing and showing your fillings love. Jedward told us “She Bangs” and writhed with scantily clad dancers amid giant inflatable’s. Let’s face it, Ann Summers could use this for their Christmas ad campaign couldn’t they? They compare themselves to a “brilliant bike with no brakes”. No boys, that was Kandy Rain and they left weeks ago.

Oh groan. Time to tend to my nachos that are under the grill. Its “Lets murder a bloody good song” time as Westlife commit a musical felony of the highest order and take on Daughtry’s “What About Now”. One of my favouritest songs -EV-AH. And it’s now been downgraded to a soppy ballad and put through the Westlife “Blanderiser”. Vomit. I have to fast forward because if I catch sight of an air grab or a stool my telly will end up wearing my nachos.

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We are back to more Dermot dumbfeckery with the judges. Cheryl’s single is number one, which in itself is highly depressing, coupled with Dermot’s inane dialogue its doubly irritating. Things aren’t looking up either, as its time for the second coma-inducing act of the show, Michael Buble. Not being a fan of this cheesy listening shite, I can’t say I’m twitching with anticipation. The “Boob” has sold tons of records apparently, so maybe I should give it a listen and open my heart to the wonderment of bland. He is singing “Cry Me A River” in the style of “slow and dramatic”. Gawd, it’s like they gathered all of Westlife up, dropped them in the blanderiser and Boob was the resulting spewed out parcel.

Dermot bounds on and wants to know who Boob thinks is best out of all the acts. He maybe a dull as shit singer, but he definitely has diplomacy as a redeeming feature. “All of them” he lies convincing. “They all have different talents”. Yes they are all shite in their own completely unique way aren’t they? Dermot’s not having it though and presses for a name -he rams his mic in Boob’s face till he gives in and says “Rachel”. No doubt praying that he had indeed seen a Rachel, and it wasn’t the name of the tea lady backstage. Dermot tells him it’s nice to interview a star who “Isn’t weird”. Oh WELL DONE Dermot, not content with babbling awkwardly and leaping around inanely, you can now add insulting the Guest Stars to your list of inadequacies. If Robbie and Whitney are sober enough to be watching, I’d guess the lawyers will be round soon. Simon will have him for that. And not in a good way either.

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Results time. Everyone is hauled back onstage and dressed in yesterdays clothes again. I hate that they do this as I’m imagining crusty bits and stinky odours which detracts from my enjoyment of the Booting Out Bit. In No Particular Order then, safe are Stacey, Olly, Rachel, Joe, Lucie (All Dannii’s acts through – Simon’s face like a slapped arse), John and Edward (Simon’s face now like an arse that’s spent 3 hours with Miss Whiplash in the leather dungeon), Jamie and Lloyd! Which leaves Miss Frank AND (how absolutely splendidly amazing) Danyl The Over rated! What joy.

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A rather deflated Louis introduces Miss Frank. Poor Louis knows it’s all over. Danyl The Anointed One will only have to turn up to get through. Miss Frank don’t look comfortable. They are singing “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore”- there is a fluffed line, a missed cue and the obligatory rap. None of it quite works. I think I can hear their dressing rooms being cleared out already and the taxi being hailed.

Simon has to introduce Danyl “which he didn’t expect”. My, my, Mr Cowell’s finger isn’t on the pulse of public opinion after all then? Shocker. Danyl’s doing a shouty rendition of “A Little Help From My Friends”. He shouts, he leaps, he gurns, he points, he shouts a bit more. He sinks to his knees and shouts. He chucks his microphone about a lot and shouts. And at the end its the obligatory close up of his dentistry with a lengthy shout. Bloody hell he is annoying and horrible. Come back Westlife and Boob with your twinkly, soft ballads, all is forgiven.

Louis can’t believe these two acts are in the bottom and thinks it’s unfair. It’s never been about Fair though has it? Eoghan made the final three last year for goodness sakes. Louis of course remains loyal to his act and sends home Danyl. Simon thinks it’s a joke Danyl is in this position. Methinks Simon is just pissed he has chosen the wrong boy to get behind. I’m sure it’s not the first time. Naturally, he votes to send Miss Frank home. Dannii seems reluctant to choose but a tetchy Dermot presses for an answer so she sends home Miss Frank. Dun Dun Dahhhhhh! It’s all up to Cheryl! But she is confused, poor lamb. It doesn’t take much. Leaping around in slashed pantaloons is far easier than having to make a decision. She takes it to Deadlock by choosing to send home Danyl. Oooh, exciting! The stage is cast in an eerie red glow. I think Brian should be allowed to send dancers on at a Deadlock moment to lighten the mood. They could swing axes and do a chopping routine.

Dermot gets handed a jolly silver envelope that looks like it might contain a wedding invite and not the Vote Of Doom (and why do we need an envelope at all when Dermot wears an earpiece?). Miss Frank are leaving. Danyl will be around to shout at us again next week. Boo Hiss. A montage of Miss Frank’s best bits and it’s a final good bye to Graziella & The Bookends.

Next week! Its Rock Week with Bon Jovi and er, JLS??? Another week of strong theming then! See you then.

  Danyl Johnson - With A Little Help From My Friends MP3 (2.9 MiB)
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  Final 10 - Fascination MP3 (3.2 MiB)
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  Michael Buble - Cry Me A River MP3 (4.8 MiB)
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  Miss Frank - Love Dont Live Here Anymore MP3 (3.0 MiB)
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  Westlife - What About Now MP3 (3.9 MiB)
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