Sunday 22nd November 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Results Show Sunday 22nd November 2009

Last Night! It was George Michael Night and everyone Sang Their Hearts Out! Except George who was out getting arrested in a toilet and didn’t even bother to turn up. Everyone else was 6 shades of crap. Simon and Louis ran an in house competition over “Shittest Tie Of The Night” and Cheryl wore Trebor mints fashioned into earrings.

Tonight! One more act is catapulted out of the pages of Heat Magazine and into Christmas Panto as its RESULTS Night! Plus Susan Boyle is here to have a breakdown for your entertainment. And Mariah Carey is also here to screech a bit and to demand a dressing room adorned with snowy white doves, fluffy kittens lining the corridors, the finest Champagne decanted into gold flecked flutes and caviar fed to her by Dermot dressed in a leather thong. Of course, being in a rough part of North London, she’ll be lucky to get some disease laden pigeons, some stinky rats, a can of special brew and some pork scratchings chucked at her by an immigrant.

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Dermot’s in a hideous shiny grey suit with sleeves that end around his elbows. Coupled with an equally foul silver tie, it’s an outfit I’m not sure even Gok could fix. Get the judges out then. Thankfully, “I Want Your Sex” has been replaced tonight with the usual overblown dramatic music that promises so much more than we ever actually get. Dannii is in a wine coloured jumper dress thing which is harmless enough, as is Louis’ suit that is minus the dreadful bowtie of last night. Cheryl and Simon are trying to outdo each other in a “chest off”. Most of the front of Cheryl’s dress appears to be missing (terrible moth problems in wardrobe?) and her tits are nudging 98% exposure. As are Simon’s, who has failed to do up more than two shirt buttons this evening.

Group sing song time! Good news is, its Wake Me Up Before You Go Go and there is acres of day glo lycra coupled with gleaming white denim. There is a lot of leaping, prancing and miming. Highlights include Jedward shouting “Jitterbug” out of sync , Joe being made to look hard core gay in a white trench coat and Stacey’s heart covered mini dress that make her look like a Bratz doll. Its potentially not world class, on paper, definitely not relevant or anywhere close to being a million percent good. But probably the best group performance so far by a country mile.

Dermot springs on, looking enviously at the Wham fashions that surround him, tells us Leona is number one in the album charts and the Charity Single is number one in the singles charts. Simon thanks the Great British Public for being so generous as he can now afford another mansion to replace the one he gave away to his last employee I mean girlfriend. Dermot reminds us we can go and see the X Factor Live Tour if you want to see in the flesh just how bad this year’s lot are. If you want to save £50, simply turn your telly up and cringe within the comfort of your own four walls.

And now to the Story Of Last Night. Lloyd had a new haircut and Faith. They play the bit of the song where he sings “I’m showing you the door” and I’m hoping this is some kind of mystical sign. Simon thought he was good which will mean “Cole will be smug”. I think the word he wanted was “smugger”. Louis and Cheryl have a low rent slanging match in the corridor. It’s like an episode of Shameless all of a sudden. Stacey’s voice suddenly got as big as her personality and she was urged to “believe in herself” by everyone, so she demonstrates she has got with the vibe by dry humping Dannii backstage. One half of Jedward defy the critics by singing a bit of Wham Rap backstage in a perfect pitch. Then they both tug playfully at Louis bow tie whilst he beams they are making him feel young again. On any other show, worried mothers would be dialling Child line in their thousands. Danyl shouted about Whispering, Carelessly. Simon pretended not to loathe him with every fibre of his being. Cheryl taunts Simon backstage – “Watch your back, he was flat” she says which has to be the funniest thing Chezza has ever said on X Factor and makes me giggle on several levels. Simon flounces off in a huff whilst Cheryl gurns behind him. Which is superb. Olly was looking for Fast Love whilst gyrating horribly and professes he isn’t too fussed about girls as he is concentrating on his singing. Simon says “He is just a normal guy that wants to be a pop star and that’s why people like him”. Or not as it turned out. Whoops, Spoiler. Joe was everything this competition isn’t looking for – a competetant and accomplished singer. It’s a shame that dull but sweet Joe makes Michael Buble look like Kurt Cobain. If he wins, the Leon sized pile of unsold CDs will need its own acre of landfill.

Time for Simon to peddle another of his money spinning minions. Susan Boyle is here! We are reminded (yet again) of her journey from frumpy, Scottish spinster who smelt faintly of wee and cats to International Singing Sensation via Britain’s Got Talent and The Priory. Subo has had a bit of a makeover since she last sang for us. Gone is the unibrow, black tights and white shoes and in is a straight jacket cunningly disguised as a sparkly evening gown. She sings “Wild Horses” and it all goes so well until Dermot shows up and she has to talk. It’s good to see she is still completely mad and fame hasn’t changed that at all. The satellite delay between Dermot asking a question and the response isn’t nearly so great as it was with Whitney, but still noticeable. Dermot wisely wraps it up quickly whilst Simon laughs nervously from his desk.

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Back to Dermot to do one of his uncomfortable interrogations of the judges, who all look squirmy and restless as if they can’t wait to leave. He wants HONEST answers about who they think was best and they aren’t allowed to pick Subo. I think anyone that names their own act should get a slap round the chops with Dermot’s silver tie. Dannii says Stacey (SLAP) and Joe, Louis says Joe and Stacey. Cheryl says Lloyd (pants down and a massive thwack on the arse) and Joe and Simon adds Danyl (slip on the knuckle duster and pummel till silent) and Joe.

Diva time! No, not Danyl, its Mariah Carey! Disappointingly, she’s not in a frock made from the pelts of rare Siberian hamsters but to make up for it, her microphone has been crafted from the purest bling. It’s like she coated a plain mic in Araldite and rolled it down the aisles of Claire’s Accessories a few times. Mariah is doing a dreary cover version of “I Want To Know What Love Is”. There is a choir and a blizzard of golden butterflies. At the end, she decides Danyl has been stealing her diva thunder a bit too much this week so shows him how to REALLY shout and scream the last bit of song. At the end, Mariah tell us she loves us….but not Dermot, who goes in for a snog with all the finesse of a rugby player attacking the scrum and is repelled by Mariah’s flaying arms of panic. She pushes him firmly away so he is practically off stage. Naturally, Dermot’s voice reverts to sounding like a trillion mice that have been sellotaped to the cat food bowl – honestly, he is SO bloody squeaky he must inhale helium before he gets on stage.

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Results time! Time to wheel out the acts and their mentors In No Particular Order. Cheryl and her Two Little Boys, Dannii and Dagenham Stace, Simon with the Over (rated) 25s and finally Louis with Jedward. Safe are Stacey, Joe, Danyl (*pick up bottle of meth’s and drain completely*) and Lloyd (someone pass a sharp knife so I can slice off my ears in readiness for next week’s show). Which leaves John and Edward and SHOCK – Olly in the bottom two. Simon hasn’t looked this pissed off since his local Costcutter’s ran out of strawberry Angel Delight. Dermot asks the twins what they are singing – its Boyzone’s “No Matter What” because “They are Irish and we have got all their records”. The brainwashing sessions with Louis have been going fabulously well. Olly has a horrible smug smirk of satisfaction on his chops as he says he is singing “Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton. A less cynical person might say he is simply nervous, but feck, I’m as cynical as they come and I’m certain Olly is bloody convinced there is no way on earth he is going home tonight. Oh for it to go to Jedlock and Olly to get booted out on the public vote. That would put a Tyrannosaurus sized cat amongst Cowell’s Over 25 pigeons wouldn’t it?

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Back with Louis who doesn’t seem particularly shocked that Jedders are in the bottom two. He says everybody loves them, but you can barely hear it over the boos which is in a way, desperately sad. Bloody audience – vats of burning oil should be kept bubbling above their damn heads ready to be tipped at any hint of unruly behaviour. Simon says you can’t take anything for granted and Olly has to prove himself. Louis introduces the twins, who, without any of Brian’s twirly twatography, pyrotechnics or props are laid bare with a ballad. Even still clad in their jolly Wham outfits and with the truly spectacular hair reaching new levels of altitude, nothing can hide the fact they REALLY cannot sing. If Olly manages only 1/8th of his song in tune, he should walk this. *SNIFF* – I think that may have been the swan song from the Brothers Grimes. Olly isn’t much cop either mind, but does manage to hit a couple of the right notes. The fact he refrains from rubbing himself up against the scenery or gyrates against Simon’s leg also goes in his favour.

In the judge-off, Simon tells Jedward he will miss them and their headlines if they go but is saving Olly. Cheryl blows some kisses at the twins and tells them she has loved them, but saves Olly. Louis has a lovely little bitch about Lloyd still being here and saves the twins. Dannii wants to ask a question – “Is it a singing competition we are voting on?” she enquires with an evil glint in her eye. Simon at first pretends he can’t hear, then when Chezza enlightens him, narrows his eyes and is mentally signing Miss Minogue’s P45. There is a stony wall of silence on the judging panel so Derms prods Dannii for an answer. “On the premise that it’s a SINGING COMPETITION” she says sweetly “I’m sending home John and Edward”. Sob.

A besty bits compilation which contains 99% of the most entertaining moments on X Factor this year. Next week will be a barren wilderness of shouty ballads, slithering dancing, musical theatre and Lloyd. Holy crap.

The twins bow out with a great helping of humbleness that Danyl could only ever dream about. I will miss those crazy boys *gathers up a wad of tissues and wipes snot encrusted, tear stained face*.

Next week! Alicia Keys and Rhianna will be here! I will be here too, albeit sulking because my twins have gone. Until then, farewell.

  Mariah Carey - I Want To Know What Love Is MP3 (3.6 MiB)
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  Susan Boyle - Wild Horses MP3 (3.0 MiB)
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  The Finalists - Wake Me Up Before You Go Go MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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  John and Edward - No Matter What MP3 (2.2 MiB)
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  Olly Murs - Wonderful Tonight MP3 (1.8 MiB)
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