X Factor Results Show 1st November 2009
Last Night! It was Rock Night – not exactly Thrash Metal, more Car Crash Metal. The Final 9 Acts Sang For Your Votes! Some Whined & Cried For Your Votes! Some just did a mad dance routine and hoped for the best. The competition reached Fever Pitch! Tonight someone will be jettisoned back into obscurity via GMTV. And as much as we can hope it will be Dermot, I fear it won’t be. Tonight! Rock LEGENDS Bon Jovi will be here. As will JLS, whose “Rock” connection is as flaky and wafer thin as Cheryl’s fashion initiatives.
Titles.
Dermot bounds on stage and appears to do a Nazi salute, although I suppose it could have been another of his “rock moves”. We are kicking Sunday Nights off with a Bang. Sniper in the audience? *HOPES* No – more fireworks to explode behind Dermot.
The judges trot out to “Living On A Prayer” although Cheryl appears to be Living On A Dare as she MUST have worn those glittery leggings for a bet, surely? Excuse me Mr Flash Gordon, Saviour Of The Universe, but your shiny cloak appears to be missing two yards of fabric that Chezza has fashioned some trousers from. The other judges appear sombre and bleak (and somewhat blinded) by Cheryl’s overdose of Bling.
Uh Oh, Group Song Alert! This week its Run DMC’s “Walk This Way” done in the style of Cheryl Cole – i.e. badly mimed in terrible outfits. The raps done in the contestants “regional accents” is a particularly noteworthy nugget of utter shitfoolery. As are the topless break dancers. Male ones I hasten to add, in case any of you dirty old geysers were about to YouTube it.
Group Song Results Show 4
Lengthy recap of last night to sway those of you that haven’t quite decided who is the shittest yet.
Joe advised us to Don’t Stop Believing but failed to impress Simon who thought he was limp. I think that old footage of Joe reinacting George Michael videos is burned into Simon’s subconscious. Lucie wore lots of eyeliner and sang on a sofa like she was in a DFS advert. Pleasing Simon was the BEST THING EVER. Bear in mind she’s the one from the microscopic hamlet with only sheep for company. Danyl sulked his way through Aerosmith then cried backstage and we all hated him more than Hitler. Lloyd Kissed a Girl and thought he quite liked it. It’s a shame none of us did. Stacey said she released her “inner rock chick” and made us love her for not knowing what that meant. Jamie rocked on rock week and Louis told him off for pretending to rock on rock week. Its times like this when you feel like giving up with this sodding show and sticking Bid-Up TV on for some stimulation. Rachel sang U2 in a tarty dress that was more interesting than her performance. Jedward Rocked Us, they truly did. Louis thinks they will sell more records than Dannii. Hee. Olly writhed on a box and ripped his shirt off which made us all Come Together.
Dermot nearly comes again as he introduces this week’s “Guest Stars who co-incidentally have a new single out” – its Bon Jovi. The world has moved on 20 years since we danced to Living on A Prayer in our Levi 501s, pixie boots and batwing jumpers, however Jon Bon Jovi’s face seems to have stayed in 1988. At least Jon hasn’t snorted his fortune up his nose – instead he has pumped his face full of Botox, dyed his locks a honey blond (perhaps Cheryl got him a discount) and had some impressive dentistry done. He is a singing Simon Cowell with marginally better dress sense and a band. Dermot’s visibly relieved that Jon remembers he has an album and a single out to hawk. He tries to get Jon to say nasty things about Simon but that all goes tits up as these things invariably do with Dermot at the helm. Cringe behind my cushion as Dermot asks to “high five” Richie Sambora. I wonder why JBJ didn’t mentor the contestants this week? Is this something high falutin’ pop stars can only manage to face if they are riding high on crystal meth? Quite possibly.
Jon Bon Jovi Judges Results Show 4
Ads. Sorry I’m not there to tell you if Cheryl tripped down the steps or if Simon told this audience they were the best EVER. But probably both happened.
Back to the news that the Lines Are Now CLOSED. Dermot tells us Simon has a Big Announcement. Wow, did Derek Acorah REALLY manage to raise the spirit of Michael Jackson and he is next week’s Guest Star?? Nothing even close to being as ace as that, simply that Cheryl has the number one single and album. And Simon wonders why The Twins are still in the competition? The musical taste of the nation has been cauterised by all this manufactured tat. None of the judges are keen to call who will go, except Simon who raises his hand and says “I know” like he is on “Are You Smarter Than a 10 Year Old”. “John and Edward” he says confidently. Well you aren’t bloody well smarter than a 10 year old then are you Si?
Next up, misty, nostalgic, almost sepia toned footage of JLS from last year when they were simply four boys dressed by Top Man who wanted to be Pop Stars. Fast Forward that misty nostalgic footage (I did and I love my Sky+ for it) and we have The Biggest New Band of 2009!
JLS - Results Show 4
It’s a massive disappointment the coloured hoodies are glaringly absent, but I am slightly relieved to spot they each have tiny loops of colour on their microphones denoting who is who. Blue JLS has a jacket with sleeves made from the same fabric as Cheryl’s super spangly leggings. Red JLS found one of Shit Rikki’s hats backstage. Yellow used to be my favourite, but has had a paisley carpet pattern cut into his hair, so I’ve moved on to Green. The song is monkey poo of course, but they dance nicely and look pretty. Dermot goes incredibly squeaky and fawns over them for ages. Louis says they are “living proof” the show works! And living proof that this year’s motley crew aren’t a patch on last year. Pass me a hanky whilst I briefly reminisce over Ruthie’s spectacular knockers, Diana’s warbly renditions that needed subtitles and Dead Wife Daniel who made the sob story fiddle play its finest tune. The Good Old Days indeed. *Once my misty tears have dried up, I do remember Eggnog though, who would have slotted in this year a treat.
Ads.
We are back for The Results. SAFE In No Particular Order Except The Particular Order That Will Create The Best Telly are: Joe, Olly, Lucie, Jamie, Stacey, Danyl (feck), John & Edward (hahahahaha) leaving Lloyd and Rachel to face the Sing Off. Rachel looks resigned, Lloyd looks like a bunny in the headlights.
More Ads and I swear if Ant & Dec are on playing Nintendo I will start to self harm.
Back to Dannii who is lost for words that Rachel is in the bottom two. She thinks she is one of the best singers in the competition. What a shame Rachel doesn’t have a twin with big hair, then she might have been more what the public wanted. Cheryl tells us Lloyd is ill and can hardly talk. A masterstroke from The Cole there. Who will be able to resist, cute, fop haired Lloyd with a sore throat? I’m scrabbling for some Strepsils to send in myself.
Rachel’s on first, singing “Crying Your Heart Out” – Oooh – Danyl’s Theme Tune! No-one can deny the girl can sing but she doesn’t have what THIS show is about – a slight edge of insanity or blonde floppy hair and a cute smile. Lloyd’s next singing (well croaking) “You Are So Beautiful”. He can’t sing at all but has blonde floppy hair and a cute smile. Cheryl looks pensive and uncomfortable. Is it Lloyd’s performance or have her glittery leggings ridden into her crack?
The completely pointless judges voting starts with Dannii sending home Lloyd. As does Louis. Chezza sends home Rachel. Simon uses his favourite made up word, “undoubtebly” to say that Rachel sang better than Olly. Oh dear, Simon’s having a senior moment, not only making up words but has forgotten Lloyd’s name as well. Someone pour him another Santogen and tuck the tartan blanket round his knees a bit tighter. Because Lloyd is ill and Rachel has been in the bottom two three times (and more importantly has already been told who got the fewest public votes therefore doesn’t need to manipulate things any further) decides to let it go to Deadlock. Dermot’s Jolly Silver Envelope Of Shattered Dreams tells us Rachel is going home.
Rachel Dannii - Results Show 4
They show Rachel’s best bits, which mostly consist of her falling over. Bless. Rachel’s a bit teary and upset as you’d expect, but has the grace not scream and combust over being chucked out against insipid Little Lloyd who is only still in because he has blonde floppy hair.
NEXT WEEK: The Holy Blessed Mother Of X Factor Returns! Leona’s back! And those crazy kids, The Black Eyed Peas. Brian wont sleep all week!
Bon Jovi - We Werent Born To Follow MP3 (2.8 MiB)
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JLS - Everybody In Love MP3 (3.3 MiB)
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Lloyd Daniels - You Are So Beautiful MP3 (1.7 MiB)
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Rachel Adedeji - Stop Crying Your Heart Out MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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The Final 9 - Walk This Way MP3 (2.2 MiB)
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really enjoyed the added extra of your insight into x factor live in the audience, well done you, hope you were able to enjoy it whilst having to blog in your head at same time!! amusing insightful and great read as always
I swear Joe and Lloyd have something going on between them.
Love this blog! Love it! It’s like a longer and funnier version of the Radio Times one that everyone seems to be reading http://www.radiotimes.com/blogs/category/017-the-x-factor/1/
“Louis says they are “living proof” the show works! And living proof that this year’s motley crew aren’t a patch on last year. Pass me a hanky whilst I briefly reminisce over Ruthie’s spectacular knockers, Diana’s warbly renditions that needed subtitles and Dead Wife Daniel who made the sob story fiddle play its finest tune. The Good Old Days indeed. *Once my misty tears have dried up, I do remember Eggnog though, who would have slotted in this year a treat.” BRILLIANT! Still laughing at this
At last someone has noticed that Simon’s English is a sham, seasoned with attempts at the fine cultured vocabulary that he just does not have. That’s a typical Simon problem, being so over-bearing. No-one will tell you about your errors, because it’s safer and funnier to let you carry on making the same ones, again and again. There are many repeat errors in Simon’s English; “undoubtably” for “indubitably” is indeed one of the best, (or one of the worst, according to your humour…).
But poor English can be a very dodgy ground on which to entertain people. There’s rather a lot of poor English in the opening text, and now I’m done I’m going back for a detailed read of this. It must be full of mistakes…