Sunday 18th October 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Results Show Sunday October 18th 2009

Last night it was Diva Night! The memory of Jedward’s EPIC rendition of Britney still burns like a fire in my soul. Cheryl faked a breakdown in which she sobbed dramatically, causing a 911 make up emergency. Whitney managed to stay off the Crystal Meth long enough to impart sage advice to our X Factor Finalists. They all sang and most of them were rubbish. It was all utterly brilliant.

Tonight! Cheryl finally shakes off the four leeches that have held her back all these years and launches her solo career PLUS Whitney has hauled herself out of Rehab so she can foist her new single on us. Which will sell in droves, earning her squillions which she can spend on more drugs. It’s the Circle Of Life right here on X Factor.

And Titles.

Dermot plugs Cheryl a bit more. She is “PERFORMING LIVE” he says. Performing live to a backing track, which is otherwise known as MIMING. None of us have forgotten Britney’s “Live” performance last year, so we are all clued up on what’s really going to happen. Oh and Whitney is here too which Dermot CANT BELIEVE and he has to pinch himself. I’ll pinch him big time in a minute if he doesn’t stop calling her Whitney sodding YEWSTON. Then there is the slightly less important bit which is that someone will be going home tonight. I’m feverishly checking to see if any of those numbers give me the option to vote off Cheryl. It appears not. 35p saved.

“Sadly” Louis isn’t with us again (but they aren’t spoiling the jovial, upbeat atmosphere by dwelling on why) so it’s just the other three to step out into the arena ready for me to Mock The Outfit. Simon always ruins this bit by wearing exactly the same thing every damned show so we’ll ignore him. Dannii’s in a cerise frock and is sporting an Elvis quiff and Cheryl is wearing something from her So Not Demure collection – a teeny tiny white micro dress.

Oh lawks, I’d forgotten they now inflict a “Group Song” on us. I do kind of wish, that seeing as we are going all out American Idol this year, that the finalists should be forced to make adverts as well. Although, being Idol’s rather cheap cousin, rather than ads for Ford cars or Coca Cola, our lot would have to hawk Cillit Bang or Glade bog freshener. A group rendition of “Doing a Poo At Pauls” would be freaking fabulous though eh? I digress. It’s a collective massacre of “Queen of the Night”. Happily, not QUITE as awful as last weeks annihilation of the Black Eyed Peas.

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Dermot practically wets his pants as he tells us Alexandra Burke is Number 1. It doesn’t take much to excite our wee Dermot does it? Time for the dull rehash of last night’s show. I will be brief.

Lucie is chuffed Simon liked her. Funny, I remember him saying she wasn’t as good as Whitney. Or Leona. Maybe I was on the wine last night. I do however, have crystal clear memories of Olly in sprayed on silver trousers. Miss Frank are miffed Simon didn’t like them and stomp off stage, really putting the Diva back into Diva week. Rachel hopes to God she isn’t going home. Sorry Rach, I think God gave up with X Factor and switched to Strictly. Joe’s speechless which means he can’t speak. Danyl’s annoying. Lloyd got an A Star in Cute and an Epic Fail in singing. The Twins made my heart sing with joy as they weaved their magical web of awfulness round a Britney Classic. Rikki believed in Cheryl’s song choice but I get the underlying impression he’ll stab her in the back if it goes tits up for him. Jamie said it was “All his heart out there”. Maybe he meant hair, I dunno. Stacey is just happy. And so are we. Truly.

Dermot says it’s going to be tough for us tonight with stern point of his finger. If I were mad enough to add my hard earned thirty five pence (more from my mobile) to the Bank Of Cowell, then no, it wouldn’t be tough AT ALL Dermot. Go Twins. Heehee. And yes, I know John Sergeant had the monopoly on “shit act staying around too long” on last year’s Strictly, but what the hell, there is always room for another Comedy Turn on Saturday Night telly, especially as Ant n Dec seem to be strangely absent from our screens lately. I repeat, Go Twins.

Dermot tells us we ALL Love Cheryl and that she has become a National Treasure since she joined the show. Fecking HELL. Id happily volunteer to dig a bloody great hole and bury The Treasure very deeply indeed – and I’ll even add a jolly, sparkly X Factor “X” on the top, free of charge.

Unfortunately, my Cheryl burial fantasy will have to wait, as she is HERE ready to PERFORM (not sing) her new single. Ooh it’s like “An Audience With Cheryl” -There is her faithful, loyal husband, Sir Trashley the Adulterous and over there, its 3 out of 4 of the Girls Aloud crowd who she is still speaking to. I take it Nadine’s invite got held up in the Royal Mail Strike action that starts next week? Haw.

Right, here we go. Chezza enters dressed half as Captain Scarlet, with a red military jacket and hat and half as Aladdin who has had tea with Edward Scissorhands with torn, lacy pantaloons. Brian sends on his platoon of prancing numpties dressed as the Sally Army. Cheryl is going to “Fight For This Love” – and if this love is in a nightclub khazi, then I suggest you look out. It’s actually that awful that she can’t possibly be miming. Can she? Whatever, it’s a mediocre pop tune that will no doubt sell in its millions, which is a depressing thought. Even more depressing is the amount of girls that will use it as their audition song during next year’s X Factor. Deep sigh.

Simon is sickly sweet nice to her, which I tire of instantly. It was SO much more fun when he made her cry yesterday. He says she’ll be Number One next week, “unfortunately”. We agree on something then. Cheryl does a Thank You speech and sucks up to Simon for letting her shamelessly plug her song.

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We are back with Dermot who wants to chat to the judges – who are too busy gossiping amongst themselves to notice him. Cheryl has stripped herself of the Captain Scarlet gear and is now left in a see through sheer vest that flaunt her knockers and is spookily similar to the ones Kandy Rain were sporting last week. You remember, the ones she thought sent out the wrong signals and were NOT DEMURE ENOUGH.

Cheryl’s family and friends sent her messages to say she did a good job with “her boys” last night and she isn’t that nervous about tonight. Do I hear the ears of The Fates prick up, gnashing their teeth, ready to bite the bum of one with such bawdy confidence? I think maybe I do. Dannii is proud of her girls but “You never know what’s going to happen”. Especially on this show. Simon bets that none of his three will go out tonight and also concedes that the “First half of Lloyd” was better than he thought. Dermot enquires which half, top or bottom which tickles Si no end. Dermot FINALLY passes his Flirting With Simon module.

Right, seats everyone. It’s time for the “Incomparable Whitney Yewston!” *Overwhelming urge to drop kick Dermot in the nuts.

Hellfire, the Perspex Steps of Death are back out, Whitney’s in Killer Heels and tripping over the wafting tails of her sparkly gown! What irony if she cheated death from years of substance abuse, only to slide majestically on some slippery Perspex steps, heels tangled amidst the shimmering fabric of her frock and ended up in a twisted broken heap at the feet of Simon Cowell. It certainly would be a symbolic end. Fortunately though, Whitney is a true pro, and clutches handfuls of her pesky dress and makes it down the stairs safely. The song is another by numbers pop tune, but forget that, because more excitement, halfway through, Whitney’s dress suffers an acute stitching failure as her straps ping apart. She has to sing the rest of her song with her flaps open. The entire nation holds their breath lest the rest of the gown disintegrates and she is left onstage dressed only in a leopard print thong and a belly piercing. It’s a collective sigh of relief when she finishes the song, still fully dressed.

Dermot blunders on and tries to fix her dress but hastily gives up. Whitney forgets she has an album coming out and suddenly goes from polished pop diva to slightly crazy bag lady in the space of 8 seconds. Poor Dermot tries his best to coax a coherent answer from her. Simon sucks up, Whitney implies the contestants were crap. Fabulous – I don’t think that could have gone ANY better!

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After all that drama, it’s now time for some more – bring forth the Results!

The acts are hauled back on stage with their mentors, except Miss Frank and Jedward who are left to toddle out by themselves because Louis is Somewhere That Cannot Be Mentioned. And what the HELL is with this idea of dressing them in last night’s togs? Are they REALLY that bland that we might forget who we “connected with” unless they are wearing their pungent garments from yesterday?

In No Particular Order so they can make it as dramatic as possible, safe are Olly, Miss Frank, Joe, Danyl (booo), Lucie, Jamie, Stacey and Lloyd. Jedward are left till the final second but are SAFE. Praise be to the God of Light Entertainment! Leaving Rachel and Rikki in the Bottom Two.

The bloody audience boo my beloved Twins who were the HIGHLIGHT of my TV weekend (nay, my TV YEAR) but it cannot quite extinguish my delight at seeing Rikki in the potential firing line. Dermot illuminates his inadequacies as a warm and caring host by wrenching the quivering wreck that his Rachel from the arms of Dannii and dragging her forward. Good on Dannii who refuses to leave and stays to mop up the tears.

After the break they will be Singing to Survive in the X Factor!

Simon’s microphone seems to have fallen into the depths of his chest hair and we can’t hear what he is waffling about so Dermot has to leap down to share his. Simon pretends that he will wipe the slate clean and judge on this song only. “That’s why we call it A Song For Survival” he explains crossly. Total bollocks. Moving on, Dannii introduces the “Beautiful and brave, Rachel Adedeji” . Simons still ferreting down his shirt for the missing mic and “accidently” undoes another 3 buttons. Tart.

Rachel does a weepy version of U2’s With or Without You which ends better than it starts. You can’t deny the girl has a decent set of lungs, but she definitely needs a gimmick. Red PVC suits or Big Hair seem to be working well this year. Rachel sobs, Dermot shoves her off stage.

Cheryl has a face on her like a slice of rancid cheese and introduces Rikki with an evil death glare towards Dannii. Rikki has decided tonight’s the night to ditch his “lucky hat” and has chosen to sing “Flying Without Wings”. This cunning plan to sway the Westlife manager has been rudely obliterated by his unforeseen absence. Minus three other band members, a white suit and a stool it’s all rather lacklustre and a bit of yawn fest. An Anti-Jedward performance you might say.

Dermot goes to the judges for their decisions. It’s all a bit pointless because Dannii saves Rachel and Cheryl saves Rikki leaving Simon holding the axe of dismissal. Simon has the art of stringing out an ejection finely honed these days and milks everything he can from the teats of tension. Finally he reveals he is saving Rachel and sending Rikki home to Scotland. Sweet Joy.

A montage of Rikki’s “best bits” which lasts around 4 seconds. Haw. Cheryl has got a strop on bigger than the one she had over Kandy Rain’s attire and can’t believe Rikki is going when John and Edward are still here. It’s the biggest case of Sour Grapes since Verruca Salt lost out on the Chocolate Factory to Charlie. In a minute she’ll be stomping her stilettoed foot down on Dermot’s toes demanding he call OFCOM for a recount. Stupid bloody mare. Dermot puts her right about How The Show Works i.e. people vote and unpopular untalented acts get voted off even if they are mentored by The Nations Sodding Treasure. Give him his due, Rikki actually takes it all quite well and leaves with more dignity than his bitter mentor does.

That’s it. Next week, I hope to God Whitney has left some crack lying about because it’s that perennial horror, Big Band week. Only American Idol’s Country Week instils more dread in my heart. Guests are Westlife (lights crack pipe) and Michael Buble (inhales crack and passes out in a drug addled stupor). Be here to witness the carnage.

Sunday 18th October 2009 X-Factor Show Review8.21038

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