Sunday 13th December 2009 X-Factor Show Review

The X Factor FINAL – Sunday December 13th 2009

So, after all these many, many months where we have seen balmy August give way to snowy December, and Cheryl’s dresses go from slightly eccentric to clinically insane, we are finally down to our Final Two. Out of 200,000 contestants we are left with Little Geordie Joe, Cheryl’s “soul mate”, the wholesome crooner with a huge set of shiny teeth that make Simon’s look a little bit underdone. Although he can undeniably hold a tune, he is less charismatic than one single strand of Jedward’s hair. And then we have Essex Boy, Olly. In the depths of the Syco labs, their mad scientists fooled around with the DNA of Will Young and Gary Barlow, sprinkled in a few chromosomes of Jamie Oliver and Olly was the result. He has a large repertoire of shit dance moves and a packed closet of very tight trousers. These two things are imperative to reach the finals of X Factor.

Last Night! The whole show was padded out so much, I’m surprised Talk Talk didn’t give up the sponsorship and hand over to Polyfilla. The endless montages and recapping was interspersed with couple of songs and (according to Voice Over Man) “SUPERSTARS” – well one superstar plus Michael Buble and Robbie Williams. Stacey DIDNT DO ENOUGH! If she hadn’t been lumbered with a naff, Sinatra tribute act and had got a RELEVANT contemporary artist instead, she may have still been in. Not that I’m bitter or anything (brief pause to stick pins in my Michael Buble doll).

Simon sweeps through some double doors and declares it the closest competition ever. No, Simon, it ISNT -the bookies still have Joe “a country mile” ahead of Olly – stop trying to stoke up voting booty for your new yacht.

For the last time this series its TIME! TO FACE! THE MUSIC! (and SHIT! DANCING!). Oh Voice Over Man, I shall miss you. Not as much as Dannii’s ever changing and seemingly endless array of amusing hairstyles or Simon’s chest hair, but enough.

Titles!

Here is Dermot’s tedious entrance for the final time. I won’t be missing him, his badly fitted suits or his super twirlyness one jot. A huge array of fireworks explode in Dermot’s honour. Sadly not one manages to ignite his nasty little suit. I’m sitting comfortably ready for my very last snigger at Cheryl’s outfit and I hope she has done the nation proud. Well, it doesn’t have the novelty factor of the Scalextric track circles dress or the flamboyance of the Darth Vader /Vampire Stripper, but it’s still a cringylicious festival of fashion, consisting of a black mini dress with acres of black netting fashioned into a skirt. She has come as a Helena Bonham Carter Bride from a Tim Burton flick. This show really could be renamed The Nightmare Before Christmas. None of the other judges have much to flaunt. Louis is sporting a bow tie and looks like he has wandered in from the set of Bargain Hunt. Dannii is resplendent in a short gold frock and comfortably wins the fashion off this series. Her understated and classy wardrobe only highlighted Cheryl’s penchant for chavvy gowns that were more suited to being hoisted up behind a Newcastle nightclub by a passing footballer. Simon has ditched his sombre tie and is back to his more usual, opened shirted 1970’s aftershave advert look.

Dermot says he has something special for us. Unfortunately he doesn’t announce he is quitting, instead, it’s the X Factor Final 12, back again to ruin another classic. This time it’s Never Forget and all our “favourites” are back. There is Humble Danyl – sadly without a Polar Bear. I’m sure he has been fiendishly busy practising his mic tossing though, as Britain’s Got Talent auditions are starting soon. Who can forget Rikki and Lucie? Well, all of us really. Miss Frank are still together, although Graziella looks like she has been a frequent visitor to the Pie Shop consoling herself since we last saw her. Rachel manages the whole set without falling over and Little Lloyd is still cuter than a whole kennel full of Andrex puppies. Jedward leap on and my heart soars but they don’t get to rap so I feel sorely short changed. Kandy Rain are here, ready to affront Cheryl with an assortment of slutty frocks and Jamie Afro is back in his flares which I’m sure contradict Louis’ Rule Number 892. All the “not good enough” rejects are dressed in black yet our two finalists bound on clad in pure white. Such subtle imagery at work here. I’m sure Freud could spend seconds pondering the implication.

When that’s all over, Dermot reckons “We almost forgot about Jedward”. Actually – NO. He rams the phone lines down our throats and introduces an epic ten minute recap of last night. There is nothing new at all, so if you want to experience it again, read yesterdays blog.

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Dermot once again PLEADS for our votes, as if our 35 pence’s (considerably more from a mobile) are going to feed malnourished third world children rather than add a few more zeros to Simon’s already bulging coffers.

He of the said bulging coffers introduces Olly who has chosen to sing Twist And Shout as his favourite performance of the series. Didn’t they do that LAST NIGHT? Oh it’s all becoming a blur. Simon thinks Olly should win “Because he hasn’t given 112% like Robbie said, but 150% EVERY SINGLE WEEK”. Shouldn’t Simon spend some of his pennies on retaking his GSCE Maths and maybe the confusing concept of percentages may suddenly become clear? Robbie’s brilliant joke shot so far over his head it may as well have been in orbit. Olly, naturally wants to win to fulfil his DREAM. He reckons he is “this close” to becoming an “International Superstar”. Oh I’m sure he is if “this close” means from here to the moon.

He twists and he shouts as promised. It’s all pretty much the same as it was the last time he did it. Where are the Christmas songs? Imagine the dance moves Olly could have invented for an Xmas tune? “The Electrocuted Reindeer” or the “Inebriated Santa” would have been something festive to laugh and point at. Naturally, it would be rather bad for the show if the judges gave any bad comments at this stage so it’s all a boring love-in. “Judging” at this point in the competition is now defined as using the most sycophantic wording possible to describe the acts. Louis still thinks he is sexy..shudder, Dannii is told to plug the tour and Cheryl loved it. Simon pretends there is a real possibility of an “upset” and that Olly might win. Duck everyone, because a squadron of low flying pigs just did a sweep past. Michael Underwood is back in Colchester where he reports amidst a hailstorm of day glo banners, children in hats and screeches. The only thing we glean from this link is “Ollleeeeeeeee to wiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnn” which is shrieked so loudly it made the speakers on my telly crackle alarmingly.

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Back to Cheryl who has applied a heavy splodge of glittery orange eye shadow. Every time she does one of her trademark eye flutters she looks like an extra from Finding Nemo. Cheryl says she is “Buzzin’” that Joe is in the final two. She really should leave her vibrator at home during the show shouldn’t she? Anyway, Joe is singing “Don’t Stop Believing” and what is there to say really? As with all Joe performances, it’s a competent vocal – although I don’t think his voice suits this song AT ALL. Had he sung another of Elton John’s back catalogue I would have complained about that too – probably. Oh Joe, you are like a 17 year old Cliff Richard and that can’t be good can it? I bet he’ll have a penchant for nasty cardigans and Christian folk music before he is twenty. For goodness sakes Joe, cast aside your conformist button down shirt, don a Sex Pistols T shirt, feel up Cheryl’s knockers, hurl a stream of foul mouthed abuse at Simon, mock Danni’s hair do, then chuck your microphone at Louis and BE EXCITING. Oh and thump Dermot in the nads if he asks you one more time if you have “Done Enough”. Naturally though, the judges love Joe and his squeaky clean snow white image to pieces. Sigh. Up in South Shields, Kimberley has seen sense and put a coat on tonight. The icy wind up her mini dress last night may have caused lasting damage. She’ll never find herself a Premiership Footballer with iced up nether regions. They have found a Mayor from Central Casting and seem to have fed him a cocktail of happy pills and alcohol. His golden chains are bobbing up and down with more gusto than Tiger Woods in a brothel. Kimberley seems disturbed by the image and hands back to Dermot as quickly as possible.

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We are back with the first guests of the evening. Its last year’s winner Alexandra Burke and runners up JLS. I guess Beyonce was busy this year. Fear not though, because Alex and the boys put on a storming number – a combined version of Bad Boys and Everybody In Love. Wow, I don’t remember last year being that good – although my memory is somewhat clouded by flashbacks of gormless gobbed Eoghan murdering Ben in several different keys and Diana warbling Patience, barefoot from a bed. Next year, will I be hankering for Shouty Danyl and his rock of humility, Rikki’s shit eyebrow and Lloyds floppy blond hair? Probably not. Will Olly be back singing his 10th top ten hit, only managing to squeeze in a 2 minute slot on X Factor as he is about to fly off to the American leg of his sold out World Tour? Hmm, more likely he’ll have to ask the site manager at Butlin’s if he can have the night off. Joe will have to miss the matinee of Joseph so he can peddle his new single (“Making Everyone Proud”) and we’ll all go “Oooh, I’d forgotten all about him”. Anyway, JLS and Alexandra do a sterling job of making this year’s lot look completely shit. Alex’s piece of advice to the winner is “Don’t cry”. I think Beyonce must have sent her the dry cleaning bill for her snot encrusted gown that she sobbed over last year.

Simon tells us how proud he is of last year’s contestants. He manages to keep the look of extreme disappointment at this year’s bunch discreetly hidden although I bet inwardly he’s seething. I can’t see the record sales from Joe’s Crooning Ballads or Olly’s fitness DVD funding the new wing of Cowell Manor. “First round goes to Olly” he announces. All the others disagree and say Joe. The “Nations Sweetheart” (that’ s our Cheryl in case you had forgotten) pipes up and says that it’s not about rounds, they both deserve to be there. Simon does “yappy hands” in front of her face which makes her snarl at him in a very untreasure like way.

Dermot promises us a treat next. Still no announcement he quitting and we are getting Ryan Seacrest next year, instead, Leona is here with a look back at the highlights of the series. I hope she has found a very short song, this won’t take long. It’s all a bit of a disappointment really. There was a real opportunity here for an uplifting number with clips of some of the fun moments of the series (granted, mostly Jedward with a sprinkling of Stacey). Instead, Leona’s belting out that dirgy X Factor favourite, Oasis’ Stop Crying Your Heart Out and the big screens seem only to be displaying Simon’s face in varying degrees of shock or happiness (and let’s face it, it’s often hard to tell which is which)and Cheryl’s squinty eyed simpering look from eight different angles. Surely it would have been more fun to have Jedward back reprising “Ice Ice Baby” or even a shovel full of the “awful nut job auditionees” wheeled out to amuse us. Emma Chawner and her equally hefty sister on a throne murdering Whitney would at least have made me giggle. Leona made me get up and pour myself a double Pimms.

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Dermot pretends to be enjoying things and says we have a real battle on our hands. He refrains from saying the voting is “close” so that must mean Joe is romping home to victory, exactly as the bookies predicted. It’s now time for the Winners Single to be performed, which is some naff Miley Cyrus ditty that was only in the charts 5 minutes ago. To make it worse, we are only half way through! My God, what horrors have they got lined up for another WHOLE HOUR?? Surely Leon isn’t coming back is he?

First up is Olly. Olly has no bendy dancing to hide behind in this performance, therefore it highlights the fact he is a very mediocre singer. Without crotch thrusts or inventive dance manoeuvres, we have ample opportunity to focus on his weedy little voice that doesn’t suit the song. Several notes are missed an there are at least 3 warbles off key. Even Simon’s looking squirmy, using the time to open his shirt a bit more and do “vomit hands” which is a sure fire sign things aren’t going well. If only Olly had been allowed to implement a novel dance move called “The Climb” (all he needed was the Perspex steps, tight mountaineering trousers, crampons and some hefty male dancers) then he would have walked it.

The judges have inhaled something illegal though and think its brilliant. Louis thinks the song will be a hit (albeit for Joe, not Olly). Dannii reckons we haven’t heard him sing like that before. Which is true, because if we had, he would have been out in week two. Cheryl says “he tore it from his soul”. Yes and it came out kicking, screaming and off key. Simon hopes everyone will get behind him after that performance. Well, I’m so far behind him, I’m practically in China. There follows a besty bits montage which mainly consists of shed loads of gyrating crotches and tight trousers, as if to remind ourselves just how he managed to nudge his way into the Final. Then we are subjected to a VT of good wishes from friends, family and Robbie Williams. Olly sobs, Dermot goes ultra squeaky, Simon lies it made him feel “emotional”. Dermot squeals “Ooh you nearly made Simon cry!” And that hasn’t happened since the first Botox injection in 2003.

Cheryl sighs wistfully and introduces Joe who sings the song a gazillion times better than Olly. It really is all over isn’t it? Can’t we stop things now, tell Joe he’s won and be done with it? Louis, always the master of stating the bleeding obvious, “puts his neck on the block” and thinks that Joe has the better voice. Dannii enlightens us all and says this is one of her favourite songs?? Eh? Your sister knocks out better pop than this. Get a grip woman. Simon innocently remarks that “We have this show to give people like you a break”. The truth is we have this show to make him tons of cash. He adds “I Can’t call this now – GENUINELY”. We all know what that means by now and I think Simon’s pants may well be on fire. Cheryl ’s building up for an epic emotional combust. She sticks with a little voice tremble for now, but I fear we should expect a meltdown after the “family ” VT. Joe’s besty bits follows his Journey which mainly involves various clips of Cheryl beaming and Joe beaming back. This is closely followed by the Friends & Family montage where George Michael has been roped in as the celebrity who is right behind him all the way. He wishes anyway. Cue Cheryl’s total breakdown as she risks a catastrophic mascara meltdown to tell Joe she wants him to “live the dream”. Kimberley up in South Shields looks thoroughly cheesed off as she skirts the edge of the baying mob and hands back to Dermot 3.2 seconds later. EPIC filler recap follows of yesterdays AND tonight’s performance. They obviously need a good 10 minutes to fix Cheryl’s face from the teary explosion. If the Orange glittery eye shadow merged with her tar black mascara, she could resemble a Bengal Tiger if it all melded and cascaded down her cheeks in orange and black stripes.

Next we are “treated” to a festive performance from George Michael, who has gone a bit Cliff, with some dreary Christmas ballad. The theming is spot on – choirs, snow, Christmas trees and jolly backdrops (including a silhouette of a house with happy families eating dinner, playing with the kids and, if it’s an accurate representation of Chateaux Michael, three blokes having a spit roast in the toilet). The song however is a total yawn fest. Last Christmas it definitely aint. Heck, Jedward doing “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” would have been SO much better.

Dermot promises us a “World Class Surprise” after the break. It may well be if you haven’t read a newspaper or glanced at the internet this past week. For everyone else, its “Oh, time for Paul McCartney is it?”

The 47th Ad Break. It must be nearly over surely?

Dermot tells us to pinch ourselves (I’d rather pinch Dermot instead) as he can’t believe he going to say this but PAUL McCARTNEY is here! Wow, what a surprise! A brief montage reminding us Paul used to be in some boy band or other and is almost as rich as Simon. He would have been richer if he had not gotten tangled up with some gold digging woman who nabbed most of it. I’m pretty certain such messy situations with women will never ever be a problem for our Simon though. It appears Heather burned most of Paul’s clothes during the less than amicable parting, as he has had to rummage in the loft for one of his old Sgt Pepper tops. The first song is “Drive My Car” and he is joined onstage by the final 12. Personally, I think Jedward would have been enough. There is a brief set change in the middle and Paul plonks himself down in front of a piano that has been jazzed up with some colourful stripes. It’s hardly on a par with Lady Gaga’s toilet keyboard of a few weeks ago is it? This time its “Live & Let Die” and it’s all quite exciting with tons of explosions and Paul’s rather dodgy hair dye job to wonder at.

Dermot’s ready to pounce and wants to know who Paul thinks is going to win. “One of them” he imparts wisely. Simon’s poised with a “joke” and tells Paul he is through to the next round. Of course had he been a REAL contestant, Simon would have issues with relevancy and “the ridiculous outfit”.

Lines are NOW CLOSED. Thank feck – the end must be nigh!

Just time for more ADS then.

The final bit of faffing about from the Home Towns, Dermot looks serious and introduces the acts and their mentors, who also look serious. Dermot tells us there have been 10 MILLION votes – at 35p a pop! That’s…LOADS. The Winner of the X Factor 2003-2009 is and always will be, Simon Cowell. Onwards and I’m betting that the Dramatic Pause to announce the winner will allow me to fix myself a rather complex cocktail and still be sat down in time before Dermot reads out Joe’s name. So The Winner Of The X Factor 2009 is..(jump up from sofa, open various liqueurs , mix, add a dash of juice and lemonade, add a fruit garnish and jolly umbrella, wander back to sofa sit down) JOE ! Shocker.

There is a massive hug fest on stage. Glittery ticker tape floats down and I can’t tell who looks smugger, Cheryl for winning two years in a row or Simon for discreetly using the calculator tool on his phone and working out the vote booty for the final alone have pocketed him over three million quid.

Dermot beckons Joe with a “over here little fella”. It’s like a gnome summoning a pixie. He thrusts Joe’s CD at him (one wonders if they ever even bothered even mocking up Olly’s one) and tells him to sing it. Not again. Will it ever end?

So, the THIRD chance to hear this darn song then. The other contestants come on towards the end and Rachel decides to channel a bit of Kanye and grabs the mic to bleat something incomprehensible. Cheryl is hauled up onstage – her mascara still in place, despite professing to be “choked up with emotion”. Simon thanks everybody for lining his pockets again this year.

And that is IT. Thanks to all those who stuck with this blog over the last few months and to those who understood that this was a light hearted look at the show, not to be taken TOO SERIOUSLY. But thanks for the hate mail too, I did have fun reading it and marvelling at the amount of folks with serious sense of humour bypasses.

Please follow me on Twitter if you would like updates to other blogs. @allieuk5 – I intend to blog American Idol in January and Britain’s Got Talent in May. You can twitter me hate mail too , if you wish. Now I’ve no blog to write, the evenings will be a little dull.

Over and out then.

  Alexandra Burke and JLS - Bad Boys and Everybody In Love MP3 (6.1 MiB)
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  George Michael - December Song MP3 (4.8 MiB)
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  Don't Stop Believin' MP3 (3.3 MiB)
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  Joe McElderry - The Climb - Winners Performance MP3 (4.9 MiB)
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  Joe McElderry - The Climb (4.9 MiB)
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  Leona Lewis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out MP3 (5.6 MiB)
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  Olly Murs - The Climb MP3 (4.9 MiB)
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  Olly Murs - Twist & Shout MP3 (3.0 MiB)
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  Paul McCartney - Drive My Car MP3 (3.3 MiB)
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  Paul McCartney - Live and Let Die, I Want To Come Home MP3 (4.2 MiB)
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  The Final 12 - Never Forget (1.1 MiB)
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Sunday 13th December 2009 X-Factor Show Review7.8109

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