Sunday 11th October 2009 X-Factor Results Show Review

X Factor Results Show Sunday Oct 11th

Last night everyone sang for your votes and it all kicked off!

Overnight the tabloids have clamoured for Dannii’s head on a pole after her (innocently scripted) comments to (publicity hungry, tabloid tattler) Danyl. Why can’t this show remain an uncontroversial fluffy basket of kittens concerned only with how cute the boys look and how slutty the girls are dressed and not create a manufactured non story every five sodding minutes?

Fortunately for Dannii, there has been a Tragic Celebrity Death to deflect the fall out so, she might keep her job till Christmas after all.
We are promised proper entertainment tonight in the form of Alexandra and Robbie who are out flogging their new singles. A welcome relief from the karaoke night we endured yesterday.

Dermot’s back in a marginally better suit than last night. Unfortunately, his dialogue is marginally worse. “Sunday Nights Just Got Explosive!!” he bellows. I rest my case.

Then Dermot has to put on his serious, “If I worked on BBC News this is what I would sound like” voice as he tells us about the sad passing of Stephen Gately. Simon passes on condolences and says understandably, Louis won’t be on the show tonight. Does anyone else see the tiny blip of irony that this evening Simon has removed his black tie and has got his moobs out instead? Does this man understand the word “respect”? Although, thinking about it, maybe Stephen would have approved. RIP Stephen.

Dermot tells us AGAIN that Alexandra and Robbie will be performing. Does he think we were overwhelmed with grief and missed it the first time? Get on with it man.

Oh heavens above, we have gone all out American Idol tonight haven’t we? The Finalists have been forced to do a “Group Number”! Any second I’m expecting a drug addled Paula Abdul to lurch on set to chirp about puppies and unicorns.
Always guaranteed to highlight the REALLY shit singers, this ensemble should be a brilliant laugh seeing as that’s most of them. The song that’s been chosen to Completely Destroy tonight is the Black Eyed Peas, I Gotta Feeling. Bookies favourites, The Overs are first out of the slidey doors and I don’t think one of them manages a single note even close to the right one. The girls look far more concerned about negotiating the Stairs of Doom than actually singing. They are joined by the Boys so it’s harder to pick out any individual massacring of notes, but it’s still collectively awful. Jedward spring off of the steps like Alan Tracy Thunderbirds puppets, but still keeping nicely within the theme of singing completely off key. Stacey is the only one who ruins everything by singing her part in tune. Boo.

The only saving grace is that Brian has refrained from sending out his Sequinned Army to shimmy amongst them. I guess they are being saved for the Proper Performers later on. God help us if this is this year’s Charity Single, because the unfortunate charity will be lucky to raise more than a fiver.

An interlude of tiresome peddling of phone lines and an epic rehash of last night’s show.
Rachel nearly died on the Perspex steps which was the only thing Simon found interesting about her performance. Kandy Rain dressed in S&M gear which enraged Cheryl, who came dressed as a Christmas Tree Ornament. Olly sang She’s The One completely off key but made up for it by using that good old X Factor standby of Looking Cute whilst doing so.

Rikki was so incredibly awful, my heart sang with joy. Simon hated him with venom I haven’t seen in him since Same Difference in 2007. Stacey’s Coldplay number went down a storm. Miss Frank were the best group (which is a bit like saying Katie Price is the best mum when Kerry Katona and Karen Matthews were the only other competition). Jamie looked like he was in an ad for Guitar Hero 6 – Murdering The Classics. The completely insane “leaping woman” choreography during Lloyd’s toe curling performance of Cry Me A River was last night’s highlight.

Lucie wasn’t as good as The Holy Blessed Virgin Mother Saint Leona of X Factor. I briefly forgave Jedward for not being able to sing as their routine was funnier than any current UK sit com. Simon ponders glumly about what would happen if they won. You would have to come up with a completely new way to rig the voting, that’s what. Joe annoyed us a lot less than most of the other contestants with his safe (read dull) version of No Regrets. Danyl’s clip is suspiciously shown WITHOUT Dannii’s gay innuendo.

Because gay innuendo is such a rarity on this show they obviously don’t want to flaunt it. Not until later anyway.
Dermot presses us to run up monstrously high phone bills and Vote. So we are more inclined to do so, they bore us with old footage of Alexandra’s “Journey” that we had rammed down our throats last year about a billion times. Eventually, Alexandra bursts onstage in a tiny, tiny dress that looks like it’s been made with a few bags of golden chocolate coins. It’s so short and slutty, I’m surprised Cheryl isn’t up there waggling an outraged finger at her telling her she should be DEMURE.

Brian’s getting his money’s worth from the Mission Impossible cables and abseils in a squadron of dancers that look like slightly camp IRA Terrorists. These are presumably the “Bad Boys” that are always catching Alexandra’s eye? Whatever, she makes the current Final 12 look even more ridiculous than we thought possible. It’s a great pop tune and she looks fabulous. If she mimed, she did it better than Britney, so who cares?

Dermot wants Simon to comment on her performance. Somehow, as she is signed to his record label, I doubt whether he will tell her she “Could be in trouble tonight” or “It wasn’t your best performance”. Instead, he fawns over her and just about manages not to make a Leona reference. That must have just about killed him. Alexandra thanks everyone including Flo-rida who I’m to presume was the rapper in the red body warmer who leapt on towards the end of the song and ruined it completely? Who thinks Graziella will have tackled him for that backstage so she can wear it when Miss Frank do their version of Bad Boys in a week or two? They have been Desperately Seeking Songs With Raps and Louis will just love taunting Simon with this one.
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Dermot tells us not to vote anymore as Lines Are Closed and if we are stupid enough to try, we will be charged treble for being so incredibly dense. He has a chat with the judges, telling Cheryl she was “feisty last night”. Cheryl seems to have recovered from her moral affront about Kandy Rain’s outfits and doesn’t seem perturbed at all by the micro dress that Alexandra had the audacity to wear onstage. Rather than branding her a bawdy little strumpet, she declares her FANTASTIC. Dannii is forced to explain herself over stupid bloody Danylgate that I for one am heartily sick of. She says all is cool with the two Dan’s. It was all meant as a joke and can everybody wake up from your gigantic sense of humour bypass for craps sake . I might have added the last bit. Simon says there is never a live show without a bit of drama. That’s because they have a team of scriptwriters from The Bill who storyboard it every week. Simon goes deeply Kofi Anan to mediate and smooth over the crisis. “It’s over” he declares with a dramatic, overtly camp flourish of his pen. Thank Feck.

Dermot whips himself into a frenzy and introduces Robbie Williams, who used to be a multimillion pound top selling artist until his career went tits up and he is now reduced to hawking his wares on X Factor. Predictable footage of those heady days When Robbie Was Good.

Robbie squeezes himself through the slidey doors of second chances and launches into his New Single, Bodies. The positives are he isn’t miming and Brian hasn’t been allowed to infect the stage with his dancers dressed as dead people. The negatives? How long do we have? Not much is in tune – in fact there doesn’t seem to BE a tune. Robbie is looking a tiny bit wired. It could be he had just washed down a Red Bull and a fistful of Nurofen Plus. Or it might mean The Priory should be on Red Alert for another Celebrity Admission before midnight. Robbie performs like he’s at Gala Bingo with lots of Ad Lib and chatting to the audience. To steal a cliché directly from Simon, it’s all very Cruise Ship karaoke bar. Still, the lasers and the orchestra were fabulous.

Dermot zooms in for a chat and presses Robbie to name his favourite act. I’m oddly mesmerised as Robbie doesn’t blink once through the ENTIRE conversation. He likes Olly, Rachel and Stacey but can’t pick a favourite, although if he didn’t just mention you, chances are Robbie thought you SUCKED.
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We are back and its finally time for what we are here for – The Results! Be gone with you last year’s winners and washed up old pop stars, it’s time for the important stuff!

The contestants are marched back onstage and how odd! They have been changed back into last night’s crusty old sweaty outfits! I hope Sinitta has been round liberally spraying the Febreeze.

Dermot tells us the results are in no particular order so they can mess with our heads and put a REALLY crap act through first. Its either Rikki or Jedward. Oh I SO know how this show works – Jedward get the first pass through to next week. Simon pretends to look annoyed but fails. He knows there is acres of TV mileage left in those twins. Safe are Lucie, Lloyd, Jamie, RIKKI (What the hell were you thinking Voting Public??), Stacey, Danyl, Joe, Miss Frank and finally a terrified Ollie, who looks mortified his cute smile may not have been enough to carry him through. That leaves Rachel and the provocative little minxes that should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for daring to appear on National Television AND front of the Nation’s TREASURE dressed in little more than a leather handkerchief and lacy bra, Kandy Rain. Dermot says it’s pretty hard for them right now and then checks his trousers. Haw.

After the break, Rachel and the filthy strippers will be singing for survival.
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Rachel is first to sing for her X Factor life. She looks beaten and deflated already. She is singing “Nobody Knows” which I think is a Pink song? Whatever it is, it’s a vast improvement on last night, mainly because she is allowed to just SING and not play Total Wipe-out with dangerous props or made to sashay around with Brian’s Troupe de Shite.

Even so, she still lacks stage presence and I’m not feeling the Star Quality.

Next up, Kandy Rain. Does anyone have a scarf so our delicate little flower, Cheryl can cover her lashes, lest she is affronted by their DEVILS DUMPLINGS which can be seen GRATUITOUSLY amongst the leather and lace? They have chosen Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter” as their very appropriate Survival Tune.

OK so it’s not brilliant, but at least the girls have some fire in their bellies and put on a much more convincing performance than Rachel did. However Rachel was in a sensible, sparkly sweater, not WHORING GEAR so will probably get Cheryl’s unbiased vote.

Dermot announces that although Louis isn’t here, he would have voted for Kandy Rain. Does this not raise spectacular issues with the integrity of the voting process? Dannii counterbalances the missing Louis vote, with one for her act, so it’s one all.
Cheryl pretends to ponder but cannot wait to get shot of those tarts that are an affront to her Traditional Home Style Values. She votes to send Kandy Rain back to the dimly lit Gentleman’s Club from whence they came. Simon is surprised to see Rachel in the Bottom Two. As he is my kindred spirit in the hating of all things Rikki, I feel his pain. However, he thinks Kandy Rain have more to offer. Me too – I bet they have tons more tarty gear to annoy Cheryl with for WEEKS.

Therefore, he votes to keep Kandy Rain in and send Rachel home. This sends the audience into a frenzy of boos causing Dermot to snap at them unprofessionally. Once again, my heart yearns for little Ryan Seacrest.

The stage is plunged into foreboding redness as we go to DEADLOCK!! Oh it’s SO exciting! The judges have LOST ALL POWER and its down to the PUBLIC VOTE! The result of which was whispered to Simon during the ads so he could make sure he keeps in exactly who he wants. It’s no great shocker that the majority of Kandy Rain’s fan base were busy on their Xbox and not voting during Sunday, so Rachel lives to sing another week. Dermot tells Rachel to sod off back to the others and literally shoves her off stage (Ryan, Ryan, where for art thou Ryan?). It’s nice to see Dannii scoop her up and comfort her, despite Evil Dermot’s best efforts to make her weep.

We say goodbye to Kandy Rain, whose only crime was to piss off Cheryl and highlighted the fact she is a two faced little hypocrite. Reasons they should have stayed in my opinion. I think they would have got better as we went on, and it’s a given boring Rachel will be out before Halloween anyway.

Dermot’s got S&M imagery on the brain, and tell the girls they gave it a “good crack of the whip”. That’s it Derms, rub in a few more handfuls of salt into the wound why don’t you love?

Next week, Cheryl performs her new single! And unless 99% of her body isn’t covered by a non see through fabric (which excludes leather) I will be complaining to Ofcom that she isn’t Demure enough LIKE SHE PROMISED.

And get The Priory on Standby again, yet another faded old pop star from the past with a dubious history of substance abuse is back to torture us with their latest musical offering. Whitney Houston will be here!

Let’s hope our mundane lives fly by quickly, because I for one CANNOT WAIT for the weekend!

Sunday 11th October 2009 X-Factor Results Show Review9.21030

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