Saturday September 5th 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Audition Show Sat September 5th 2009
“The Dream” announces Dramatic Voice Over Bloke “Has always been the same!” And we are treated to footage of Leona, Shayne and Alex.
The Cowell kids that did good. Naturally enough nothing of Steve Brookstein or Leon Jackson.
These are the X-Factor equivalents of the UK’s Pariah In Chief, Gary Glitter – evidence is around they existed but we don’t like to talk about them much.
Dramatic Voice Over Bloke continues with more shite I mean insightful clichés about raised bars and how this year the competition is “Fiercer Than Ever”.
Sigh. Much as I’d love to put some of the auditionees we have seen so far in a cage with a couple of Bengal Tigers and a microphone (ticking both the boxes marked “bars” and “fierce”) it’s never gonna happen and I wish someone in the XF production office would come up with some slightly better strap lines.
Random montage of “highlights” from tonight’s feast are shown to tantalise us, ending with Simon saying “This is why we are in Wales” whilst grinning hugely.
Gosh, this looks promising doesn’t it? Already I have visions of a Welsh Leona, serenading us with “The Green Green Grass of Home”. And she is looking like Catherine Zeta Jones in her Darling Buds years.
After 5 seasons I REALLY should have twigged X Factor is the subversive master of building up hopes, only then to obliterate them into a billion tiny pieces.
Titles and Dermot on one of his boxes, poised to spin.
Oh and we aren’t in Wales, we are in Manchester. Another editing triumph there then.
X-Factor Fever has taken over the city. Yes, and its spreading faster than Swine Flu at Mexico City International airport – there are sound bites from various Mancunians who are “hoping to hit the big time”.
A collection of Manky Mancs are shown purely for their comedic ugliness.
As per the last couple of weeks, there are 4 people standing in their way. Cue some judge porn.
An inexplicable shot of Simon fondling a dog – I never would have put Si down as the type of guy who enjoyed stroking puppies *Snort*. X Factor continues to surprise and enlighten me.
Shot of Louis being silly and leaping about, Dannii looking serious and Cheryl playing her “Whose Champion?” card telling Louis SHE is the reigning Queen of X Factor.
Louis looks crestfallen at this. Don’t worry, Louis, we ALL know who the real queen of X Factor is don’t we chuck?

First up is Alan. Alan has bought his Mam (isn’t that what they call Mothers Up North? Well they do in Corrie anyway) and Alan has been performing since the age of 10. Oh so Mam is a Stageschoolzilla Mam is she? Take your arm off of her shoulders Dermot, this woman is tarnished goods. I’ve no doubt she has been filling wee Alan’s head with unrealistic dreams since 1995.
Alan describes himself as an “all round entertainer”. I’ve already learnt via Britain’s Got Talent that this is deciphered as “shit at everything”.
Louis enquires where Alan works to which Al replies “A 4 star hotel in Wrexham”. I’m guessing it’s not the Travelodge then. Just think though, if Paris ever has offspring , “Wrexham Hilton” does have a certain ring to it?
He is asked what makes him different from everyone else and replies he is better than them. Oh, can you feel the catastrophic tumble from his lofty but deluded Stage School heights coming? I sure as hell can.
And to my delight he is resoundingly awful – at everything. Singing (The Going Gets Tough), dancing, leering – there is no end to his untalented repertoire.
The audience is bloody annoying though and starts to sing along, fuelling Alan’s titanium coated stage school delusions all the more. Simon thinks this is funny. I’m going off you Si, you won me over last week, but I’m notoriously fickle where you are concerned. You are heading back to my box marked “What Was I Thinking?” whereas last week Id momentarily popped you into “Ooh Actually Quite Sexy”.
Eventually though, Si does raise his hand of doom and stops the audition.
Louis helpfully tells Alan that some people are born to sing but he isn’t one of them. You can see how this man drove Boyzone to fame cant you, admit it? Sharp as a knife.
Dannii says it was like he was being electrocuted. No, Dan, that’s called wishful thinking love.
Its four No’s but Alan gets a Simon wink so can sleep soundly tonight.
Backstage, Alan thinks he could have done better. I’m sure he could, if he had swapped places with his better looking, more charismatic twin brother WHO COULD SING.
Time for a Ménage O ‘Crap.
We have Gurdip who dances like a Jonas Brother on E. Louis loves it though and is bobbing up and down with glee.
“What the HELL was that?” enquires Simon with a dark frown. THAT Simon, was yet another floor filler your intrepid team of “researchers” decided to inflict upon the nation. It’s your own fault. Don’t go looking for tea and sympathy around here.
Then Tom who actually manages to come across camper than Simon with lots of hand flapping and head tossing. He sings “Kiss” in the style of Prince. Louis loves this too and sings along. Oh Louis.

Simon butches up for a second and tells Tom it was “Clichéd rubbish”. Obviously a thinly veiled threat that he does “camp bloke” around here and there is no room for interlopers so sod off.
Next is Steve. Steve has on a cowboy hat and sings 9 to 5 like Dolly Parton after she took handful of Mogadon. It’s very deeeep and very slooooow. Simon doesn’t like it.

“Don’t you like Country Music?” enquires Steve to Si. “Not any more” replies Si wearily.
Enter “GWS” that’s “Guy With Style”. Or Ian if you prefer. He leaps about singing “U Can’t Touch This” and Simon’s face speaks for the nation with a look of “Wouldn’t want to love” plastered all over it.
Simon does his jazz hands of finality, indicating that GWS stop dicking about and launches into a diatribe about him being an awful, awful cabaret act. What is rather amusing though, is that rather than call him “Ian” Simon insists on referring to him as “G”. Ha. G is bottom of Simon’s list and he wants him to leave. Amen sir.
ADS. Yes, I’m worth it thanks Davina.

Oohh look! It’s the Welsh flag! And hark! Is that Charlotte Church I hear in the background? Hmm I hear mutterings afoot about Shirley Bassey and Tom Jones too. They stopped short of dressing Dermot as a leek, but even still I think we grasped the fact we are now in Wales viewers!
Dermot, on yet another box, poised for yet another spin, tells us that Wales is a nation of singers but they have never given us a winner. That probably says more about X Factor than it does about Wales to be honest.
Cut to backstage where Louis reads out a list of Welsh bands he can’t possibly have heard of – Stereophonics! Manic Street Preachers! “Duffy!” intersperses Dannii from off camera. “Oh yeah, er, Duffy” says Louis in a tone that implies he has no clue whether Duffy is from Wales or Western Samoa.
Louis says there is Talent in Wales and We Have Got To Find It! Nope, too late, I think it married an aged Hollywood Movie Star and left in the early 90s.
Simon is in the back of his Rolls staring dreamily out of the window telling us he thinks Cardiff is his favourite city. Just like Glasgow was in week 1 and then London last week (granted he has always HATED Birmingham though). Apparently he likes Wales because its unpredictable. Yes well so are paranoid schizophrenics Si, but you don’t generally like them because of it do you? *Metaphoric cuff of Simon’s flat top*

Right time for the first act who are a trio of mingers. Its unsurprising then that they call themselves “2 Gorgeous 4 Words”. Holy Crap.

The nation chokes on yet another X Factor overload of irony.
As a little pre taster, the trio do a “dance move” which ends up with a boy failing to do the splits. Cheryl winces for us all.
Dannii tells them that was quite an entrance and her notes tell her to probe as to the origins of the band. They got together at a college audition…but wait for it, only 12 people applied!! Oh, time out whilst I get a bandage, my sides are splitting.
Its then straight into a whiny, tuneless rendition of Let’s Hear It For The Boy.

Simon tells them “I’ve got a headache” and “Everything was wrong. Everything.” Another couple of sentences only usually heard by Simon’s battalion of “ex girlfriends”. Heehee.
Backstage, family and friends say Simon is never satisfied. See above.
Its 3 No’s and a Never from Louis.

The strains of a High School Musical song start to play and we are introduced to Ashanti Webbe who is a Full Time Mum. Who knew you could be a Part Time Mum eh? Where do I apply?
Ashanti sings “Goin Down” and she is OK. More interestingly though, backstage one of Ashanti’s male relatives has gotten hold of Dermot from behind and appears to be simulating shagging him. No wonder Simon likes the unpredictability of Cardiff!
Oh yes, back to singing. Simon says he isn’t jumping out of his chair (you might if you could see the action Dermot’s getting backstage mate!) but liked it. Cheryl enjoyed it and Ashanti gets 4 lukewarm yeses.

Once she has left the stage, Simon and Louis have a little bust up which is quite amusing. Louis “She was good” Si: “How would you know?” Louis: “You are being grumpy” Si:”Am not” and ad infinitum till the next act.
NEXT. Its Daniel Williams a cute, in a “just stepped off of the set of Hollyoaks” kind of way, young lad who plays Rugby.

Simon doesn’t like the sound of that and asks “Whets more important, singing or rugby?” Yes, like you are going to say “rugby” to about the third campest bloke on British television who runs a singing contest and a record label.
Daniel wisely says Singing. 100%.
He launches into a reasonable, if somewhat Karaoke version of Let It Be. It’s all right although I’m left wondering if he is better at rugby.
Louis says he is very good, although I think he is more taken with Daniel’s “Westlife Bryan Mcfadden Era” mop of blond hair than the song. Simon enquires via Louis what sort of records would Daniel make?” Michael Ball” replies Louis sagely. For the Mammies and Daddies. It’s good to have the cutting edge of the UK music industry on the panel isn’t it?
In the end, despite Louis pretty much ending his career before it had even started, Daniel gets 4 Yeses and a wink.
Dermot is muttering about Friends And Family. And Opportunities. And Chances. And Shit.
Cut to Simon who basically says the same, but it’s more important coming from him obviously, because he is richer and taller than Dermot.

We meet 18 year old Lucie Jones who lives in a village. A small village. With Sheep. Haw, its WALES and they mentioned sheep! And to add to the amusement, she tells us that “everyone in the village is behind me” Fnarr, fnarr. Poor Lucie. They obviously don’t get smutty innuendo in her Small Village either. Bless.

Are my ears detecting the Impending Piano Notes Of Doom which indicate a Sob Story? Actually no. Lucie just has the misfortune to live in the back of beyond with sheep. Pretty much the end of the world if you are Cheryl Cole, but the rest of the population could probably muster through.
Actually, it does sound like a pretty crap Small Village – just one shop, one village hall and presumably only one gay in it.
Even Lucie’s Mam and Pop seem anxious she escapes. Lucie can’t wait to leave the village and its sheep. This could be her ticket out of there! I take it there is no National Express Coach Stop in Sheepville-on-the -Wold then?

And then to Simon who sternly tells us singing prettily just isn’t good enough anymore. You have to PROVE YOU ARE A STAR! TRANSLATION: Look what happened when you voted Leon Jackson the winner eh? Cute is so 2007.
Lucie nervously takes the stage and says she will be singing “I will Always Love You” (Inward groan). Simon asks if she is sure is she wants to sing that song? Yes, come on Lucie, be a sport and do some thrash metal instead.
As if.
Luce is actually quite good in a safe, sensible kind of way. Her signature look appears to be “vulnerable” so there is huge potential for a “journey” with this girl. I’m certain she will be on the live shows, transformed from Humble Villager to International Pop Star. Dressed in a tight, sparkly lycra frock and with a posse of Brian Friedman’s male dancers clad in skimpy farm gear with pitchforks as props. Maybe even one or two dressed as sheep.
Simon makes out with his biro during her performance and does a bit of lip pulling. Louis is going misty eyed and Cheryl looks insanely jealous that Lucie is holding them big notes.
Cheryl witters on about Lucie not knowing how good she is. And says “amaazzziinnn” quite a lot. Louis tells her she was Born To Sing and predicts everything is going to change for her from This Day On! Simon says “This is why we come to Wales” – oh this was the teaser from the start of the show so Lucie is my CZJ / Leona is she? Well, She is OK I guess. I’d have liked her more if she hadn’t sung Whitney though.
Its four very solid Yeses and a particularly long, dirty wink of potential from Si. Lucie is OUT of the village and IN to Boot Camp!

Amusing shot backstage of Cheryl who has obviously scrambled out of her chair to go and “Mind Meld” with Lucie. I bet she is hoping if she clutches hold of her long enough in a “Nation’s Sweetheart” slash “Mister Spock” kind of way, some of Lucie’s talent for getting the high notes will be transposed.
Ads.
Dermot is back on another chuffing box, poised to do yet another chuffing spin. And I’m poised to bid on a sniping rifle from eBay and put an end to this mediocrity. Ryan Seacrest gets to broadcast from the Grand Canyon, atop Vegas hotels and from Helicopters on Idol, for the love of God, get Dermot abseiling down the roof of the Millennium Stadium or something. Boxes and spinning are getting on my nips.
Apparently the judges can’t wait to see what Cardiff has to offer. But before they hit the local night clubs, they have to endure more auditions.
We meet Ian, a labourer who is going to sing one of his own compositions, “Beef & Onion crisps”. Oh just FECK OFF. Then Dawn who is allegedly 34. 34 in the same way that Sinitta is still 39? It matters not because she is crap. Simon says that every dog in Cardiff just turned up. Then Ian is allowed to sing another song about Llamas. My finger is poised to turn over to Casually at this point.
Next Gareth Evans who wants to change his life. Dannii asks what bit of his life he doesn’t like and he replies “All of it”. Aw. Those post SuBo backstage psychologists are hurriedly put on red alert and possibly a “suicide watch” is undertaken on our Gareth. Who worryingly sings Angels. Badly of course.
Then sodding Ian is back again doing a song about Shepherd’s Pie. Finally Simon tells him to “just go” but inexplicably starts singing the Shepherd’s Pie song himself. Someone wheel on Mr Cowell’s meds please – QUICKLY.

Dermot’s backstage where everyone is feeling anxious. We meet Lloyd Daniels who is one of those fluffy blond cute boys that Louis is quite partial to. If there are more than one circling the vicinity he immediately forms them into a boy band. Lloyd has only ever sung Karaoke and School Plays and is Nervous. Nanna’s throughout the land move closer to their TV sets with a collective urge to pinch his cute cheeks and fix him a cup of tea and a hearty sandwich.

Simon prods Louis to begin probing Lloyd and he tells us he is going to sing Jason Mraz “I’m Yours”.
Simon likes the sound of this and lets out a long “ahhh”. Cheryl’s face also brightens.
I think he is actually quite good – he has a different tone to his voice and the song choice suits him. Yeah it’s a bit warbly, but I’ve heard worse Diana Vickers.
The judges are doing some fake wincing though and Cheryl has the audacity to STOP the Audition. This thoroughly pisses off Lead Ego, who gives her a look as if she had just shat on his lap.
There is a bit of obviously pre arranged faffing about and Simon wants to hear another song acapella. Luckily (almost as if he knew this was going to happen!!) Lloyd has another song ready to go.
LLoyd seems to have gained a little bit of confidence and does a marginally better job with his second song which is Turn Back The Hands Of Time. Its only spoilt by his Paul Gascoinge-a-like Chav Dad backstage with Dermot leaping about like an imbecile. Maybe one of Lucie’s Villagey friends brought a stun gun from the sheep farm we can use on him?

Anyway, Cheryl is sitting there in her Princess Of Pop mode, with a self satisfied look of “I told You So” plastered all over her chops. Pass me that blasted stun gun, I’ve found yet another use for it.
Louis says he looked scared up there, but with a bit of work, could be absolutely great. It’s a fair comment from Louis, who give him his due, knows pretty much all there is to know about wee cute blond boys.
Cheryl has had a rummage in the good old X Factor Cliché Cupboard and tells Lloyd he “looks like a little pop star” and “the girls absolutely adore ya”.
Dannii says he has got a very distinctive voice. Thank you Miss Minogue for being the only one on this panel that keeps away from the clichés and metaphors the others use as crutches every week.
Dannii is the X Factor equivalent of James May. A bit boring and predictable, but generally the only one that ever talks any sense.
Cheryl still hasn’t finished bleating on – milking her “It was ME who made him stop” ME! And then he was BRILLIANT! Look how CLEVER I am!” moment. She tells Lloyd he is the first person she has seen with the X Factor.
Don’t push it Cole, he was OK but I’m not sure we have found Wales’ answer to Justin Timberlake quite yet.
Dermot tells us Lloyd got lucky with Cheryl. Does Ashley know? More importantly, does Ashley care? Probably not, he is probably shagging another member of Girls Aloud by now anyway.
Moving on we meet Kirsty and Jack who together are Combined Effort.

There then follows a cringe fest where we “discover” that this pair were once together but then they split up – only last week! How terribly convenient. I’m rapidly losing the will to live as far too much airtime is given to this manufactured piece of nonsense.
Simon interrogates the pair about who dumped who and it all goes a bit Jeremy Kyle. FACT ladies and gentlemen!! Any second I’m expecting him to pluck an envelope from under the desk and start giving out the results of the DNA test. Aaarrrgh.
Mildly amusing retort from Si regarding the fact he “gets that” when Jack says he wants to remain friends with Kirsty. I’m thinking Kirsty won’t be getting an LA mansion, a supercar and six figure bank account from Jack though, you know, like Simon’s devastated exes do when they are eventually paid off *oh I mean GIVEN as a token bond of eternal friendship*. Riiiiiiight.

Combined Shameless Break Up then launch into a terrible version of Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”. Simon’s smiling in that smug way when he knows he is exploiting people and that makes me want to slap the Botox right out of his puffy cheeks.
“Lets assume you are not going through to the next round after that” he says gaily and then adds “You were very good together” Like they were up there making out, not murdering Starship.
Louis wades in to meddle some more. “She is a really nice girl Jack” he says. Like Louis Walsh knows all there is to know about girls and relationships.
Cheryl imparts that she thinks Kirsty still loves Jack. How insightful Cheryl. You got that from a 90 second audition. What a shame your razor sharp love instinct doesn’t work with your cheating hubby then isn’t it?
There are rapturous “Awwwwwws” from Chezza and the audience. Simon slips into Jeremy Kyle mode once more and suggests Jack asks Kirsty to come back because ” It’s now or never” – like once they leave the stage their sad, humdrum little lives will cease to exist. Shut UP Simon, I’m SO packing you into my box marked “Tosser” this week.

After a slightly worrying dramatic pause where Kirsty seems to weigh up her options, she suddenly catches the narrowed eyes of The Cowell which glint with “If you don’t say yes, then this bit will be edited out and you won’t even make X-Tra Factor” and therefore tells Jack “OK”. It’s not exactly Kate n Leo in Titanic like Si was hoping for, but it’s enough and they hug. Cheryl goes “awwwwwwwwww” again. Simon says “Congratulations”. Pass the sheep stun gun please.
Even Dermot sounds embarrassed by the inane voice over he is made to do about “dreams beginning for Kirsty and Jack”. 10p says they will have split again up by Tuesday.
Some numpty in the audience yells out “Well done Simon” to which he can’t resist looking pompously chuffed about. “Cupid” he grins back. Yeah, Cupid Stunt.
ADS – really, these have NEVER been so welcome.

We leave Wales and are moving to the capital where we meet Jade, a 17 year old school girl who Dermot blags a kiss or two from. Oooh, Dermy wuvs Jade.
On stage Jade tells the judges she taught herself to sing. Simon tells her this is your chance and asks what she is going to sing. Its “And I’m Tellin You” to which Si replies “Are you really?” I’d have loved it if she had said “Yeah I’m kidding Simon, I’m singing Barbie Girl by Aqua” just to shut him up for once.
Looks of wonder from a suitably impressed Cheryl and Simon tells her helpfully “That’s a BIG song Jade!” You can tell he is secretly hoping she is rubbish so he can mock her. Evil sod.

Jade is OK. She has a pretty powerful voice but even a tone deaf old fart like me can tell she could do with some nurturing on the vocals. The biggest problem with Jade is that she has no stage presence whatsoever. She doesn’t move at all, so if she DOES make the lives Louis will taunt her weekly about “not dancing”. It doesn’t help that they play Jennifer Hudson’s version as soon as Jade stops singing and you can really tell there is a chasm of difference.
Still, everyone seems to like it and dear old Dermot backstage is biting his knuckles with glee at her stellar effort (he knows he is a shoe in for another kiss now!).
Cheryl says “amazziiinnnn” a lot. For a change. Louis says she makes the competition worthwhile and she is what the X Factor is all about (silly ,silly naive Louis). Dannii says YES. Aw, Dermot is practically crying backstage. Sweet. Cheryl says definitely yes and Gypsy Rose Cowell says he Predicts Good Things for her.

Lots of footage of foreign people who have come to Britain JUST to audition for the X Factor. At least that got rid of any members of the BNP that might have been watching, so happy days. They will have X Factor on their manifesto by the next election I should think. Ha.
We meet Fouad who left his home in France to come and annoy us in Britain. His big inspiration is Mariah Carey. Oh crap. It’s bad enough when a girl says that, but when it’s a bloke….batten down the hatches world, I feel an Epic Fail approaching.

Louis KNOWS Fouad is a comedy turn and pads out the chat so we get to hear his “silly accent” quite a lot. The joke is, that Fouad sings in an even sillier accent than he speaks with. Oh what fun. Remind me, has Strictly started yet?
Fouad destroys Vision of Love. He doesn’t sing it all, he makes faces like he is passing the biggest poo he has ever done in his life and moans something that might be words. And does the resident Music Mogul on the panel stop him immediately and send him packing? NO! We are made to endure loads of it. Then Si says “That was NOT Vision of Love by Mariah Carey”. No, it was Vision of Hell courtesy of X Factor.
Louis puts his meddling hat on again and asks Fouad what his next song is. Simon, if you don’t slap Walsh HARD for that….bugger, Cheryl is in the way. Well, come on Cole, you are never adverse to a bit of fisty cuffs, give Louis one of yer deadly right hooks will you pet?
Oh no, the judges are playing for comedy. Simon protests mildly but Fouad is allowed to “sing” Hero. Give him his due, on the VT I just watched back, I swear he mouthed “F*CK” under his breath.
Fouad does another fine impression of passing another spectacular stool and lots of shots of Simon’s face scrunching up in dismay. The other judges can no longer hold in their giggles and more VT of Simon cursing under his breath. WELL GET YOUR SODDING JAZZ HANDS UP AND STOP HIM THEN MAN!
But no, the footage continues with the audience joining in. Simon takes solace in whatever is in his mug – probably 100% proof absinthe or similar. I feel like I need to be embalmed in the stuff to get over that chuffing audition.
Simon tells Fouad he is like something out of Star Wars. Yes, and it isn’t Princess Leia in her gold bikini is it? He says nobody in a million billion years would EVER play that version on the radio. Its bloody ironic then isn’t it, that Fouad found the one man who WOULD play it on prime time Saturday night telly. Grrr.
My patience has worn to an all time low level of thinness with this show.
Simon doesn’t get why the audience were singing along. He says either they are mad or he is. Can we get Dr Raj Persaud in to evaluate betwixt them do you think? I think it would be a pretty close call myself.
Louis says he thoroughly enjoyed it. Ye gods. But gives a no after daggers from Si. Chez and Dan also say no and Simon chunders on about no, never, ever then gets up and does a pretend wank a la last week at Fouad. This week, this is nowhere near enough to endear me to him even slightly.
That’s it. A few shots of Fouad in the Booth Of Honesty saying the judges were wrong and he could have won it. Oh piss off back to France why don’t you.
Fin. And never has a Fin been so needed. Let’s hope things improve next week.

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