Saturday September 26th 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Boot Camp Show Saturday Sept 26th 2009

For some reason Boot Camp always conjures up images of the judges dressed in camouflage gear, stomping about the stage like they have just wandered off the set of Private Benjamin or Stripes. And wouldn’t that be more entertaining than the reality? I can see Simon pressing a shiny, designer jackboot down on the cheek of a contestant who sang out of tune and telling them they were “Simply ghastly” . Cheryl could whip them with a stick too. Her camo gear could even be pink! So could Simon’s if he wanted! Just HOW brilliant?
Naturally enough, my Fantasy Boot Camp is just that and we are treated to the usual Transport Montage and previous audition footage that seems to last an eternity.
Someone has spared Dermot from a poxy box this week, and he’s been allowed to do a Ryan Seacrest atop a tall building in London (strategically placed so we can see all sorts of top London stuff in the background but high enough up not to see the litter and vagrants). The contestants are being driven round London in coaches, lulling them into a sense of luxury and style as they see all of London’s Good Bits before being taken to the shit hole that is the Boot Camp venue, the Hammersmith Apollo.
Dermot is working his way through a thousand X Factor Introduction Clichés about “Pressure”, “Dreams” and “Stakes Never Being Higher”. He is STILL made to do a spin on his roof which is a bit dangerous because a slightly over zealous one could see him plummet over the edge onto a bendy bus, never to be seen again. Luckily, Derms is well practised with spins and makes it safely to Grotsville Central, Hammersmith.

The 200 remaining contestants have been told to gather onstage. Dermot says there are four people with A Plan. Sadly, Baldrick doesn’t appear to be amongst them, so we can deduce this plan won’t be particularly cunning.

Simon kicks off by saying “Welcome to Boot Camp” to the backing track of the Black Eyed Peas ” I gotta Feeling” and as if by magic then says…”I have a feeling this is the most talented group of people we have seen” . Dannii’s Botox has now worn off enough that she is able to move her mouth for more than 20 seconds, so is allowed to divulge The Plan. As expected, its isn’t cunning at all, simply pinched from American Idol. They want the acts to form into teams of 3 with each having to sing a lead vocal.
Dermot says as Night Falls the Pressure Is On. He must LOATHE saying this shit, surely?
Rather lame backstage footage of contestants “teaming up”. On Idol this usually involves at least one or two fist fights, several contestants storming off and a sprinkling of nervous breakdowns. There is none of that here and instead we see Token Old Bloke William, settling down for bed with a cup of tea.

As morning breaks we see Cheryl with her “serious” face on. This is much the same as all her other faces but with a slightly less forced smile. We are told that each contestant faces “Immediate Elimination” if they don’t make the grade. My Boot Camp imagery is going into overload, imagining failed contestants marched backstage where Dermot puts a gun to their head and eliminates them, literally. In some cases, this would probably be a welcome contribution to society.
The first trio up for judgement is Aliesha and two duets – It Takez2 (the purple clad theme park mingers) and Just Duet (who were obviously far too dull as we haven’t seen them at all). They annihilate The Script’s Break Even. Comedy footage of Simon’s musings from earlier that they have found “Star Quality” coupled with shots of Cheryl with her fingers in her ears. It says a lot for how much spare space there must be in her head cavity seeing she manages to have rammed her exquisitely long fingernails in quite a fair distance.
She tells them they are “Awful and unprepared”. Louis tells Aliesha she did a wise thing getting between two groups that were so crap. Simon eyes immediately sparkle and he enquires whether she did that deliberately. She did and he loves her for it, so she is through and the two groups are ELIMINATED. Boom Boom Pow.

Dermot tells us as the day continues things don’t get any better. We see Token Old Bloke eliminated as he reads his lyrics off of a stamp. A scary chap called Andrew who has a tea cosy on his head and a tan that makes Simon look positively Albino is got rid of as well, even though Louis thought he was a “great dancer” which is a usual Louis benchmark for giving a Yes.

Amie, the northern chav from last week who Saint Cheryl The Compassionate of Newcastle had in her clutches and guided through a Girls Aloud song is also despatched. Cheryl is “gutted”. Simon says she isn’t good enough. I could have told you that LAST WEEK Simon, and saved you room and board for one.
Backstage, Dermot oils his gun and Louis and Simon mutter “It couldn’t get any worse”. Silly boys – don’t they remember all the old shit they put through that seemed such a brilliant idea at the time?
Obviously not.

Ads followed by more shots of Pretty London Things like Palaces, Parks, Monuments and Simon.
Dermot rabbits on about nothing of note but does say that “Boot Camp is turning into a Blood Bath” Hee Hee – I really think there might be a gun backstage after all! Marvellous!
The next trio consists of Graziella, Shar and Shaniece. Graziella decides to draw her “Hard Life” card now, in the nick of time although there is only Dermot to ramble on to so it probably won’t do her much good on stage.

The girls are going to do “That’s Life” which Simon thinks is “Cool and different”. So much for his musical renaissance and brief love affair with the Kings of Leon then…one sniff of a Frank Sinatra relic and the Old Simon is back with a vengeance.
The girls are (to my untrained ear) loud, shouty and crap – one of them is a bit off key and Simon goes a bit squinty eyed at that but overall the judges seem to like it. Cheryl says they were “Killin it” (killed it, buried it, attended the wake ) and, wait for it, wait for it, they were “Amaaazzzzziiinnnn”. Then Louis chimes in “I almost wish you were a group”. You don’t have to be sodding Nostradamus to know what’s coming later do you? They are all through to the next round without having to see Dermot’s weapon.
Dermot informs us that the three girls have turned the tide and we meet a few more “good ones”.

Welsh Lucie is still milking her “I’m from a Small Village” tale of woe which is pitiful when she is up against others with real, DEAD relatives. Nevertheless, she is through. Kandy Rain are back in their slutty outfits.

Simon says “People will remember you”. Not all people mind, as I can’t remember what they sang but still through. Geordie Joe comes back to a huge Cheryl smile – if Simon smiled simultaneously I think the poor kid probably got temporarily blinded.

Through. Jamie Afro sails through. Simon tells the other judges he is a really good singer! Something of a rarity in this competition, judging by Si’s revered tone.
Outside the theatre, Miss Fitz, Sian and those Scary Boy Twins, John and Edward have formed themselves into an unlikely ensemble. John and Edward look like they stumbled in from a L’Oreal Shockwaves advert and Miss Fitz seem to be a band member missing but that’s oddly not mentioned.

On stage, there is also a Scary Boy Twin missing too – I suppose it’s too much to hope for he went for a stroll on the Hammersmith Flyover and was mowed down by a lorry? Probably.
Twin One pretends not to know where Twin Two is (my Bullshit Radar just blew up) and then the little sod does “a dramatic entrance” and tumbles onto the stage like an electrocuted monkey. Simon looks like he could kill him with his bare hands. Cheryl and Dannii are open mouthed in shock – Louis however is grinning hugely. They are singing “Apologise”. The song choice is canny, I will give them that.
The Twins decide they can rack up their obnoxiousness level another notch or two and sing over the other two acts. Simon is being pulled every which way, hating the abomination of these boys, yet secretly knowing this will be the act that everyone will be talking about at work on Monday morning. Never have I been so sure of an act making it through to the live shows which fills me with that strange sickly, vomity feeling I usually only get after a bad curry.

Louis turns the entire nation against him by saying the boys “have got bags of potential” and they are “Innocent Children”. Feck – If all Irish kids are like that, then you can go some way to explain Irelands troubled history cant you? Simon says they are “Vile little creatures who would step on their own mother’s head to have a hit” therefore endearing the nation to his hairy little heart. Poor Sian who had her song ruined by the Satanic Twinfest is out but Miss Fitz hang on in there. John and Edward are also through.
Ads. Mattel are bringing out John and Edward dollies, complete with a large set of pins, just in time for the Live Shows.
More shots of London in case you forgot where we are. Dermot has more crap lines to spew and he must really be hankering after his heady days on BBLB. Brief footage of TreyC, Ollie and Shanna going through. Dermot tells us the first challenge is over and only 100 acts are now left so “Who stays and Who Goes?” – Oooh look they threw in a Big Brother line! That must be nice for him. Things were SO much better then weren’t they pet?

Shots of the judges hunched over a desk with photos of the contestants for them to bitch about and move around like a giant game of X Factor Patience. I’m frankly quite surprised they aren’t playing Take That’s “Patience” in the back ground as they never usually miss a trick like that.
Loads of footage of weeping contestants backstage. Danyl balls his eyes out to the cameras as if Simon and Louis are before him murdering kittens.
Back to the judges who are still moving around Photo Cards of contestants. Any second I’m expecting Cheryl to shout “SNAP”.
Simon says “Are you out of your mind?” to Louis and my inner Derren Brown could take a wild stab as to which toilet brush haired act Louis is pimping and Simon is pretending not to want through.
Finally, the decision has been made and Louis skips off happily announcing “It’s going to be FANTASTIC and I know who is going to win”. No they WONT win Louis because the UK has more sense than you.
Dermot tells us the contestants have been split up into 4 rooms. Two rooms will be through, two rooms will be out. You would have to be a little bit retarded not to be able to work out the Winning Rooms and the Losing Rooms.
Judges enter Room 1 that has the previously well pimped Rikki (Helpful reminder: Eyebrow Of Shit), Danyl (Professional Wailer ) and Lucie (From A Small Village With Sheep). Cheryl unsurprisingly tells them they are through and the contestants rush the judges – which is quite amusing as Cheryl obviously only thinks they are a “Amaaazzziiinnn” from a distance (preferably with a large brightly lit desk and a phalanx of bodyguards between her and them). She backs off faster than Simon does with his “girlfriends”.
Room 2 is full of people we have never clapped eyes on before, except the 3 girls who did “That’s Life” and were shit. Dannii, as the least important judge, is forced to give them the bad news – “It’s a no”. Dermot’s shirt becomes a giant hanky as the entire room wipes their snotty nose over it at least once.

Room 3 is chock full of more people we have never seen before and Louis, as the second least important judge has to tell them its “bad news”. Poor Dermot’s shirt, still crusty with snot, gets a second airing as a Kleenex, as contestants fall wailing into his arms. Simon and Cheryl try to look compassionate without getting mucus stained. That’s Dermot’s job.
Hardly a tension buster in Room 4 as most of the favourites are in there anyway and Simon gets to tell them they are through. Cheryl nabs the record for the 100m sprint done in High Heels as she runs in fear before the mob can ruin her hair. Simon checks his wrist to make sure his watch is still there after being man handled by the commoners.
In a twist that would put an M. Night Shyamalan film to shame, three “rejects” from Room 2 are called back to see the judges. Yes its Graziella, Shar and Shaniece! As our Cilla so often used to say: “Surprise Surprise”.
The judges are gathered round a round table with Chez as Lady Guinevere, all serious and Queenly. She tells the girls they would like to propose an idea. Which one of them would like to be Simon’s new pretend girlfriend? Oh, no, not that…what about forming a GROUP instead?? They are so desperate for groups on this show they have resorted to making their own up out of the scraps of failed solo artists. Naturally enough, the girls think it’s a Brilliant Plan (as opposed to being dumped out onto the filthy Hammersmith pavements)and are despatched to a Winning Room.
Simon says the two rooms need to meet and a random shot of the 50 remaining souls sprinting towards each other like it’s the first day of the Primark Sale.
Ads. Who thinks that the “Show Sponsors” Talk Talk’s “Rainbow Song” should be this year’s Winners Single? I do, its FAB. We all sing it on the sofa in our house. Admit it, you do too?

Dermot says “This is where is all gets serious” and “It’s the one chance to deliver the performance of a lifetime”. Didn’t it all get serious back in Show 1? And didn’t Dermot tell us THEN they had to deliver the performance of a lifetime? So dull. I know, let’s get the bloke that does the voice over’s for Come Dine With Me in to liven things up a bit! Dermot can toddle back to BBLB.
Now we have to sit through EVERYONE THAT WE JUST SAW again. This time in front of an audience of 4000. How many more times? Michael Jackson was buried less often than the amount of times we have had to sit through this lot singing.
18 Year old Geordie Joseph is up first. Cheryl’s Little Prince. The usual tear spattered backstage footage of him “wanting it so much”. Dannii asks him how Boot Camp has been. His crushed little face relays it hasn’t all been all that really. He sings “Praying For Time”. Si says it’s a Big Song. I think its “his best performance so far” Heehee I could SO be a judge. Simon isn’t keen though and whispers he thinks he is “a year or two away”. That’s obviously just thrown in to keep the tension up – there can be absolutely NO sure fire contestants at this point. It’s the Law.
Nicole Jackson sings Oasis – a little screamy for my tastes. Ethan the American with the Great Teeth does Last Request. Daniel Fox does With or Without you in the style of a one man Il Divo. This earns him a Simon wink of love but Cheryl “doesn’t get it”. No doubt if he had sung in the style of McFly, she would have been on board.

Oh here comes Lucie From The Village. She does a ballad which annoys Simon who fusses that she “Can’t do up tempo” and that she “Can’t do ballads every week”. Getting ready to pimp her “journey” already I see. I can just see Simon’s mock look of amazement when she is clad in skimpy leather and belts out a Lady Gaga on the live shows. Louis will say something inane like “She wants to ride on your disco stick Simon”. She is SO through to the live shows, you mark my words.
17 year old Rachel is Scared. She wants to win and if she doesn’t Will Be Crushed. She does Last Request and is actually pretty good. I don’t remember her much before this performance. We see Duane From Last Year, Tiny Girl group, Trucolourz, Dead Brother Daryl and Failed Boy band Member with the Ed the Duck Mohawk, Daniel.

Ads.
Dermot’s on his London roof. The pressure is on. It’s the Last Chance to Impress. Here comes 31 year old Nicole. She of the Dead Father. Apparently, before he passed, he encouraged her to apply for X Factor. Death beds throughout the land must be chock full of sickly souls who, in their last breath utter those final inspiring words “Apply For X Factor” before shuffling off this mortal coil, no doubt with the X Factor theme tune reverberating off of the Pearly Gates.

Nicole thinks Dad will right up there on stage with her. I see no gold encrusted coffins, or Yvette Fielding wittering on about Orbs and mysterious forces so I think she is exaggerating myself. She sings “And I’m Tellin You”. And Dead Father or not, she does actually rock it out. Cheryl says it was full of emotion. Simon says she had started to believe in herself. Nicole ruins it all by saying “Dad was right here” when we had already established he wasn’t. Still, I reluctantly do quite like her despite the heavy over use of a Dead Relative.
And that’s it. Tomorrow the Final 50 battle it out for a place in the Final 24. Do you think X Factor producers actually know what the word “FINAL” means?
See you tomorrow.

  John and Edward - Mizz Fitz - Sian Pailey - Apologize MP3 (919.8 KiB)
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  Joseph McElderry - Praying For Time MP3 (1.2 MiB)
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  Lucie Jones - Hurt.mp3 (945.9 KiB)
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  Miss Frank - Thats Life MP3 (1.7 MiB)
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  Nicole Lawrence - And I Am Telling You MP3 (2.3 MiB)
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  Rachel Adedeji - Last Request MP3 (1.3 MiB)
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Saturday September 26th 2009 X-Factor Show Review7.5104

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