Saturday September 19th 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Audition Show Saturday 19th September 2009

As a kind of warm up exercise for the future when will be experiencing the Joy Of Two Shows when everything goes live in a few weeks, this weekend we are being spoilt with a double bill of auditions. Excuse me if I fail to be quivering in anticipation at this news. Instead of 1 hour 15 mins of default clichés, it will be a whole 2 hours 30 minutes. Albeit with a handy 24 hour Ad Break in between to order some more prescription meds from eBay and pop to Lidl for extra supplies of cheap but effective Ukrainian Vodka.
Dramatic Voice Over bloke sounds like he can smell the stench of the Job Centre already with the auditions nearly over, so puts a bit of extra effort in, telling us we have seen the The Good (all 4 of them), The Bad (the other 97 auditions we saw) and The Indescribable (mostly the ones on Xtra Factor).

And excitement everyone – it’s the 100th Episode!!! Gosh I wonder what they have planned to celebrate this landmark occasion? Maybe Simon is going for the Elton John stroke Madonna “Lets Adopt a Foreign Orphan To the Judging Panel” angle or possibly Cheryl will sing us her new single? Feck, let’s stick with the Orphans – or more likely it’s another shed load of The Same Old Thing that we have seen before. 100 times before to be exact.
A teaser of what’s to come is played to a crescendo of that daft overdone music. Seemingly there will be positively NO break with tradition for the Centenary Show so for those of you expecting the unexpected – such as Simon wearing a nice snazzy colourful shirt with the buttons done up to the collar, or Louis talking sense, or Dannii getting more then 2 seconds airtime or Cheryl scoffing a Ginsters pasty you are going to be sorely let down. It’s the usual menagerie of old ladies wanting to shag Simon and a selection of hot fitties flaunting their abs at Chez and Dan. No hint of anyone that can actually sing – business as usual then.
Titles, giant flags, Dermot on his sodding plinth and its London again.

Amusing shots of judges arriving in black Range Rover’s swooping up the back passage of the O2. And they all have synchronised number plates – X1, X2, X3 and X4. Is it too much to hope for comedy X-men costumes? After all this IS the 100th episode and who wouldn’t want to see Cheryl Cole in Halle Berry’s wicked Storm lycra one piece? As long as Louis didn’t get a lycra one piece it would all be good. Sadly not.
First up its Richard a security guard from Watford. He rattles on about Hope, Peace and Love. What a load of claptrap. X Factor is about Making A Fast Buck, Shattered Dreams and Exploitation. As if Hope, Peace and Love would make good telly?

Kudos to Richard as he does Cameo’s Word Up (disappointingly without the giant cod piece from the video which made this such an iconic piece of music history) which actually makes a pleasant change from Whitney or Mariah. He is still crap though. Louis says he enjoyed it for the Wrong Reasons (I bet he was doing the same as me and imagining Richard in the Giant Cod Piece). Si says the vocals were terrible and the dancing was awful. I’m sensing he too would have appreciated the Cod Piece though. Its four Nos. In the Booth Of Bravery, Richard tells Simon it was “his loss”.

Next up its Maggie who works at Heathrow but dreams of Something Else….and looks longingly and lustfully at Simon. Oh Mags, I’m guessing Si is just as high maintenance as a Boeing 747 – albeit with less jet fuel yet more styling products. The jet probably flies straighter too.
The poor deluded soul launches into an unseasonable song choice – its “When a Child Was Born”. Her sense of season is as questionable as her taste in men and it’s an unsurprising train wreck. Simon sportingly gives her a dirty wink though which she can dream about for all eternity even if it’s still whilst handling unclaimed baggage. Sometimes life just isn’t fair is it Mags?

Lets meet Maurice who is 76 from Southend. He already has 500 female fans! That’s about 485 more than Louis so it’s looking good. Unfortunately he murders “Delilah” and does a scary thing with his tongue that freaks out Dannii no end. The only thing pensioners should be doing with their tongues is sipping warm soup, not waggling them in such a way that implies you want to fellate the X Factor Judging Panel. He is dispatched to shudders.

Moving on, its Chelsey who looks promising in kind of “at least she isn’t minging” kind of way. Louis is poised to say she’s “got the whole package” until she opens her gob. Next.
Dermot’s in amongst the crowd and “randomly” manages to find someone from Chicago not Swindon. Amazing. We meet Ethan who, apart from the rather annoying flouncy scarf he is wearing, plays the part of clean cut American Boy pretty well. Simon has some competition for “best teeth in the building” this week.

Ethan is going to do something from Simon’s latest favourite band, the Kings Of Leon. Simon’s favourite band ever since he managed to “sing” half a line of one lyric a few weeks ago, proving conclusively he has his finger firmly pressed upon the throbbing pulse of the music industry. I’m sure there is a brilliant joke in there somewhere. Possibly even more than one.

Ethan is OK although his cuteness cleverly manages to cover up the fact he isn’t really THAT good. Think a male version of Cheryl Cole. He does all right though and being man-sweet, coupled with the clever and “relevant” Kings Of Leon song choice plus the American novelty factor means there is only direction this boy headed, and here is the sign post saying Boot Camp This Way.
Cheryl purrs “Wow” and says he is “Pretty impressive”. With emphasis on the “pretty”. She also deduces from this 90 second audition that Ethan is sweet and humble. Because psychotic maniacs don’t come wrapped in such a gorgeous package obviously. Dannii says he is a “little superstar” and she “needs another slice”. So shameless Dannii – get a room, god. Louis says the girls are going to love him. Simon waffles on that “he really likes music which is crucial”. Well, let’s face it Si, it’s not THAT crucial really is it sweetie? Just because you can mouth one line to “Sex on Fire” don’t go thinking you are an expert in cutting edge music for goodness sakes. The United States of Ethan sails through to the next round.
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Dermot chunders on about crowds. We are back in Birmingham. Its Cheryl’s Birthday. Yawn.
Simon presents Cheryl with a cake that has about as much effort put into it as one of his T shirts. Its shit and if I had a multi-squillionaire friend who rolled up to my birthday with that Id seriously stomp on his pointy designer boots. More points away for the “novelty” candles that don’t blow out. Unless there is an Aston Martin with a bow on it outside, then he really deserves a slap for that. A proper friend has bought her a better cake with a dog on it. Unless it’s from someone with a wicked sense of humour. Heehee.
What are we here for again?
Pole dancing apparently. We meet Faye who is dressed like her shift from Spearmint Rhino just finished. Sitting backstage in her Ann Summers wardrobe, she chattily tells Dermot she wants to be famous and followed by the paps. And to be in Heat Magazine. Did she get lost en route to the Big Brother Auditions as she looks a little over qualified for X Factor? Whilst the camera zooms in on her Basque, from which her boobs are on the verge of doing a Steve McQueen, Faye says she doesn’t know how to do anything else other than sing. Hmmm.

She shimmies onto the stage all high heels, suspenders and escaping tits. Simon will have to pretend to fancy her like mad.
On cue, he tells her she looks “cute”. Simon’s versions of cute manage to span several worrying levels. He throws in a fake glance of lust her way for good measure.
Faye reveals she is a teacher in a prison! Simon enquires what kind of prison…Faye replies “one with men in!” Louis asks if she wears this outfit for work! No she dresses like Margaret Thatcher for work! Heck, Channel 4 would PAY for comedy this good! Simon and Louis start giggling inanely together about something – I have my suspicions about what. Anyway, Faye is eventually allowed to sing and this girl is certainly full of surprises as she manages a pretty decent version of River Deep Mountain High. She seems like a really nice person, despite the slutty outfit. Or maybe in spite of it, I just can’t quite decide. Dannii says she is a bundle of surprises with a strong voice. Cheryl enjoyed it. Simon says she has some bad habits – coming on a family TV show wearing hookers underwear? No, it’s that she sings through her nose. Anyway, he still thinks people will find her “interesting”. She gets for Yeses and the most unsurprising Simon wink of the series so far.

Faye bounces about in the Online Sex Booth saying she is one step closer to being in Heat Magazine!! They aint fussy love, you’ll be in next week’s edition for sure and will have your own column if you get another 45 seconds of telly time at Boot Camp.
Next we meet “TreyC” . Sod it, I’m not writing that, its Tracey you daft mare. Tracey is the last of 14 children. Ooooh, missed a trick love – think of the Von Trapp-esque opportunities!! You could have made outfits out of curtains (go all out for the sob story) and belted out “Edelweiss”. It would have been the Group with Everything. Instead she chooses to go solo and belts out ” I’m Every Woman”. She is good*. * Denoted by the tiny amount of air time she gets. Cheryl says its “The Best Audition Of The Day”. If only you had been the WORST Tracey, you would have got another 5 minutes.

Comedy footage of Tracey ringing round her siblings.
Say hello to Karl. Karl has his Nan backstage. Epic fail Karl. Relatives are only useful on this show if they are DEAD. Still, Cheryl pulls on her Christian Dior Cloak Of Humanity and gives Alive Nan an “Awwwww”.
Karl sings “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” . It’s nothing hugely special but with clever use of a relative that isn’t DEAD manages to get 4 yeses. In a rare chance to meet a relative that isn’t DEAD Simon asks Alive Nan to come out on stage so he can witness the strange phenomena for himself. All old people want a piece of Simon so he flaunts himself like some aged rent boy at Nan who goes away happy.

More “comedy” footage of Tracey ringing round her siblings. I thought this sort of thing was reserved for X-Tra Factor?
Oooh, another rare sighting! It’s a Group! They are Harmony Hood. They wear Hoodies that are, er, Harmonised?

They are pretty good! Its a Golden Commandment of X Factor that if thou hast a groupage that can singeth in tune (even slightly) you verily pass immediately to Boot Camp. Louis approves of the colourful jumpers. Oh sorry HOODIES so Harmony Hood are onto a good thing. Cheryl says they are “Fresh and Original” like they are toothpaste or something. Its 4 yeses.
Milking the footage of Tracey on the phone now. Dermot, you now have a Licence to Kill.
Dermot says Cheryl has had a birthday to remember and footage of Simon eating the nose of Cheryls dog cake (you know the GOOD one, not that piece of road kill you turned up with). Cheryl mourns her cake and says it now looks like a culled seal. Matching perfectly with that bloody bit of mangy fur she has round her neck at certain auditions then.
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Shots of the judges arriving somewhere. No idea where and I’m way past caring.
Pictures of Cheryl and Dannii’s outfits. All of which we have become intimate with and mocked over the last 5 shows. Then a festival of Simon’s extensive wardrobe focusing on the one pair of badly fitted jeans and the two T shirts he seems to own. What an absolute waste of a bloody massive bank balance.
It’s time for selection of random terrible people that I can hardly be bothered to write about. Natricia says she is born to be a star. She says she is singing Whitney so I use the time wisely by flicking to Strictly to see who got voted off.
When I come back some alien creature is singing Vogue. Simon says it’s terrible. No shit Sherlock. Just where the hell is Kanye West when you need him? Jackson wants to be a Pop Prince. We had one, he killed himself with plastic surgery and icky meds. Position currently being filled by Janet. When she goes the same way, we’ll remember to call you Jackson. Until then sod off and take your less than average performance of Billie Jean with you.

Next is Simone. That’s usually girls name but this Simone is either male or a lady boy. Not sure which as those operations can fool the best of us these days. Simone is a model. Cheryl “randomly” asks if he is hot which culminates in Simone removing his top. Not that it would EVER happen in a million squillion billion years, but can you imagine the uproar if Simon asked some fit bird to take her top off so he could look at her tits? *Shakes head at the awful double standards whilst trying not to appreciate the abs on offer. I totally forget if he sang or what he sang. I’m so shallow. Simon also pretends to hate the torso on offer with a well practised eye roll.
Simon is soon back on more comfortable ground as its Token Old Person time.
Eileen loves singing and used to practise in Air Raid shelters. It’s a welcome change from Karaoke bars.
Cheryl asks how old she is to which Eileen replies that 20 years ago she was 60! Calculators out judges!

Then the shock revelation that she fancies a piece of Simon. Is it law of the land that once you reach pensionable age you must lust after The Cowell? She wants Si for her “Joy Boy”. Bless but I think he already has one of his own dear. Allegedly. Cough. Still, Si likes all this non threatening Old Person love and gamely goes up to the stage for a cuddle. I think Eileen tries to slip him some tongue.
Eileen sings “Wonder Of You” whilst eying up Simon the WHOLE TIME! He laps it up too. Dannii tells her they could be in a group together because of their matching hairstyles. Louis says she is charming and brave (in a relieved kind of way that at least the mad old bat isn’t lusting after him at least). Simon hasn’t finished toying with Eileen and when the other judges say no, he says they are mean and tells Eileen he wants to see her again tomorrow with a backing track. Oh I cannot wait.
Cheryl tells Simon he is sweet. You didn’t think so when he gave you the crap cake and ate your dogs nose though did you?
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We meet Kandy Rain who are a girl outfit graduating from the SugarBabes School Of Girl Bandery.
They unsurprisingly sing “Dontcha “. They aren’t too bad but Dannii takes issue with their sexy outfits and tells them they don’t need to dress like that. Kandy Rain tell us they did it “for Simon and Louis”. Haw – girls, there is a metaphoric Stick and you have gotten hold of the wrong end of it my loves.

Still as a GROUP who aren’t too CRAP they are automatically through.
As the viewers from Strictly start turning over seeing as its finished, we are treated to a few good people. Indie sings Summertime and Cheryl thinks she is fantastic (oooh not “amazziiinnn” – Chezza is certainly expanding her vocab for this series!). Stacey Maclean is given 3 seconds to show us her wares. Simon is more interested that she comes from Blackpool. ” I like Blackpool” he shares with us. Its official, SImon likes riding The Big One. Cheryl says Stacey looks like a little pop star. She is through although I didn’t even have time to write down what she sang so brief was her appearance.

17 year old Dominic Harris is YET ANOTHER cast off from a previous series. I’m getting tired of these now. He got to the judges houses (Dannii’s) in the Olden Days when they used to let kids enter. Something that has now been axed in light of all the Child Meltdowns on Britain’s Got Talent probably. Dominic says he has overcome his nerves and has matured. The backing track is “Patience” by Take That. How clever.

Dominic sings Chris Brown’s With You. I’d have preferred “No Air” but he does an OK job with it. Not AMAAAZZZIINNN (sorry just channelling my inner Cheryl there for a second) but good enough. I quite liked Dominic until I spotted that he had musical notes shaved into his hair cut. Its on a par with Rikki’s bloody nonsensical eyebrow from last week. Points away then. The judges seem underwhelmed – Dannii says she remembers a shy boy. Cheryl says the swagger isn’t quite there yet. Simon says his voice isn’t incredible. They still put him through though.

Dermot tells us the day is continuing in Birmingham and we meet 31 year old Nicole. Nicole *used* to sing with her dad at pubs and clubs. Oh viewers, did you pick up on the Key Word there? I’m thinking dad doesn’t do much singing these days don’t you? Simon, subtle as a brick, casually asks why singing with her father hasn’t worked out (as if you don’t know you wicked sod).

It’s disappointing that the Piano Notes Of Doom are strangely lacking at this point because it’s no surprise really that dad is now playing the Great Club in the Sky as he is DEAD. Isn’t that an automatic Go Directly To Boot Camp entry ticket? No, Simon still wants to hear her sing. Which she does for about a second before Simon stops that and asks for another song. Obviously she is only getting another chance because of the fact she has the Dead Relative card to deal. So bloody handy. Simon tells her to forget about dead people and the fact she is singing in a crummy pub? Whatever, Nicole sings Alicia Keys instead. It sounds the same as the first song to me, but Simon has that smug look of I told you so plastered on his mush.
He tells her that she is a good singer with “bad habits” which is quite amusing as when he raised his arm to stop her singing we got an eyeful of his sweaty armpit that once again hadn’t had a squirt of Lynx applied. I don’t think he can squawk about bad habits do you? Louis tells Simon that Nicole is better than he thinks she is. Cheryl thinks there is better to come (What MORE dead relatives? Hmm, saving those for Boot Camp eh? Clever!). Dannii agrees with Simon about the bad habits (although as we don’t see her sweaty armpit on show I will allow her opinion as valid). Nicole manages to get 3 yeses but a No from Sweaty Si.
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Still Birmingham so it’s an excuse for yet another montage of shit.
And for a change a Duo Of Shit. Meet Russell and Katy known as It Takez2. I automatically hate acts that put “zeds” in their name instead of “S” so it’s not a good start. For some reason they are dressed like they are hoping to star in the next advert for Cadbury’s Dairy Milk as there is a hint of purple to their outfits. Actually, it’s not a hint at all, its bleeding great fist to the head – Katy has a shiny purple frock and Russell has a freaky purple tie. This pair met at Pontins before moving to Haven via a quick stop at Gala Bingo and they now work at Alton Towers. Wow, it’s an entertainment journey that would put Bucks Fizz to shame.

Anyway, the song is “I’ll be there” and the surprise is that Katy has quite a good voice. Less surprising is that Russell can’t sing at all. So it’s all a bit of a cringe fest – although in a completely awesome coincidence, Cheryl is wearing a top in the same shade of purple as Russ n Kate so she looks like the third member of the Duo who REALLY can’t sing so was left out. Brilliant.
Dannii says they are sweet together but Katy has the stronger voice. Cheryl says she was pleasantly surprised. Louis likes Katy but says its old fashioned…..can’t be bothered to make an obvious joke.
I’ve got a 10p bet on with my family that Simon will tell Katy to come back and audition on her own – but whilst he is pondering dramatically whether this will make good telly or not, Russell starts to have an on stage breakdown. He is going a rather alarming shade of red and shaking inconsolably. Simon decides he can’t be arsed to send yet another batch of contestants to the Priory this week and puts them through. In rather touching tribute to Patrick Swayze, they play “Time Of My Life” as we see Russ and Kate cry backstage.
Dermot tells us it’s an emotional end to the day. Back here tomorrow night for more of the same.

  Dominic Harris - With You MP3 (1.0 MiB)
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  Ethan Boroian - Use Somebody MP3 (775.3 KiB)
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  Faye Bray - River Deep Mountain High MP3 (763.8 KiB)
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  It Takez 2 - Ill Be There MP3 (1.1 MiB)
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  Natricia Thompson - Dance With Somebody MP3 (892.4 KiB)
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  Nicole Lawrence - Piece Of My Heart and If I Aint Got You MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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  Richard Green - Word Up MP3 (1.3 MiB)
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Saturday September 19th 2009 X-Factor Show Review10.0101

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