Saturday September 12th 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Audition Show 4 Sat September 12th 2009

After last week, I’ve been busy booking my one way flight to Switzerland and a consultation at the Dignitas clinic just in case things don’t improve dramatically.

I think the entire audition process has just been summed up as we are treated to a 15 second montage of the “good acts” that have already made through to Boot Camp. You know all six of them after 3 weeks and nearly 4 bloody hours of footage.

I have actually had a really cunning brain wave to save us all wasting our Saturday’s leading up to Chrissy. Lets simply get Derren Brown in to tell us who wins – after all its got to be a walk in the park after his 14 million to one shot at the lottery numbers doesn’t it? I suppose It’s never going to happen though as ITV need that phone vote booty to fund another season of Midsommer Murders. So onwards and hopefully, upwards.

Dermot tells us the Judges are pulling no punches this week. That will make a change for Mrs Cole then wont it viewers?

Montage of this week’s offerings, culminating in Simon saying “Hate it hate it hate it….” which fades to the titles. Looking like another good show then? Time to confirm my Easy Jet flight to Geneva methinks.

Dermot suddenly starts channelling his inner Ant and Dec and tells us this is the UK’s biggest talent search! Wake up Derms, you didn’t get the Britain’s Got Talent gig this is X FACTOR babe. You know shit singers as opposed to shit singers with a dash of variety. Get a grip or get Cowell to do just one show a year renamed Britain’s Got The X Factor then it’s all done in one go eh? Naturally Dermot would have to go on Harry Hill to fight Ant and Dec for the presenting role. I wouldn’t rate your chances either Dermot – Geordies are Natural Born Killers.

This week we are starting off in a wet Glasgow where auditionees are “braving the rain”. Yes, like rain is a new experience for Glaswegians. Green veg yes, rain, no.

Cut to Simon saying “God only knows what we might find” Oh I can take a wild stab in the dark Si.

Cheryl says Scotland’s always up for it. Let’s hope she left Ashley at home then eh?

Louis helpfully tells us it’s raining but they are here to find Talent. Oh hell, watch out Piers, someone has heard about the merger and has his eye on your job.

Dannii says she expects a few surprises. Her sunny, optimistic Australian outlook maybe be welcome, but let’s face it, it’s totally unrealistic. It will be the same selection of sorry mingers as last week interspersed with one act that will make it to Boot Camp before the second ad break.

Amusing shots of the judges moaning hugely about having to WALK to the stage through endless corridors. Simon is seething – walking is obviously something only common people do who can’t afford a squadron of super cars. You can see him searching desperately for someone to give him a piggy back to the stage. It’s so darn far that at least he appears to have actually shaken off Sinitta though.

Cheryl moans about her “stupid shoes” as she is now walking like a tranny in her cripplingly unsuitable high heels that are designed for looking pretty under the desk, not for actually walking in.

Backstage we meet Diana who is 59 and a Nursery Assistant. Much is made of her being a duo. A duo that can be as good as Sonny and Cher. Cleverly, we aren’t shown her singing partner so we all fall on the floor with mirth when her singing partner is introduced as Jazz. And Jazz is a bloody dog.

I’d give Derren a run for his money with this prediction lark – Britain’s Got The X Factor has already happened they just forgot to tell anyone. Any second Ant and Dec will leap out, get Dermot in an arm lock, toss him over to the “Britain’s Got More X-Tra Factor” crew and things will continue seamlessly.

Together, Diana and her furry friend are called “All That Jazz”. Sod the Dignitas clinic, I’m just turning the gas on and have a packet of Swan Vesta ready.

Dermot tells Diana that he thinks Jazz has got the Diva thing “licked” already. Quick, someone call Mock the Week and tell them Dermot will be taking over from Frankie Boyle.

Jazz certainly is a stroppy little bitch all right and goes for Dermot as he tries to stroke her furry bits. Gosh, Jazz really does have aspirations to be Mariah Carey doesn’t she? “That is one unfriendly dog” says Dermot, no doubt wondering if he needs a Tetanus jab and some animal handling tips from Terry Nutkins.

Its left to Cheryl to “Awww” at the doggie and get Diana to repeat everything we already heard backstage. Chezza doesn’t seem to find anything odd in the fact that Di and Jazz are a duet so Simon has to cut in to tell her dogs don’t sing. How quickly he forgets last year’s Britain’s Got Talent auditions eh? Unsurprisingly, he gets over this pretty quickly and interrogates Diana about how long her and Jazz have been a duo. The answer is 7 years -ever since the very second that Jazz exploded from the loins of her mother apparently. Simon doesn’t enquire whether she emerged belting out “I Will Always Love You” which, I think for an A&R man, is pretty remiss.

Si also asks if the charts are missing something like the two them? Yes almost about as much as Katie is missing Peter now PLEASE can we move on???

Diana starts singing “I will survive” but Jazz doesn’t. Jazz just looks at Diana as if she is slightly mad. I’m thinking we send Jazz to Boot Camp and Diana to Rehab.

Simon insightfully points out that her dog doesn’t sing and it’s trying to get away. The damn dog has more sense than I first gave it credit for. Run! Run for your life ickle doggie, lest Cowell has you back on BGT and Amanda Holden will want to clutch you into her bosom. And you wouldn’t want your teeth biting down into that much plastic.

Louis says he would have been happy if the dog had barked. Probably in the same way as if Eoghan Quigg had sang anything in tune last series.

Dannii sums up this whole bizarre episode saying “This show gets weirder and weirder and weirder”. Oh she SO isn’t going to fit in on Britain’s Got The X Factor is she?

Simon tells Diana to put the dog down and start being normal. I fear that’s going to work out as well as Michael Jackson’s plastic surgery as we see Diana spread out on the floor backstage trying to coax a song out of Jazz who is more interested in licking the carpet. Heck, a Diva and a lezzy – the Daily Star are gonna love this puppy. More potential column inches than Lady Gaga.

More shots a of a gloomy, miserable, bleak Glasgow which is to set the mood for auditions still to come before the first break ( to think the ads used to annoy me, but now they are needed so I can go and top up my absinthe and take another handful of vicodin).

We meet John from North Lanarkshire who thinks he has star potential. Hmm, just as Kerry Katona once did and look how well that turned out. He destroys “My Life Would Suck Without You”. On reflection John, it really wouldn’t petal. Cheryl says she can’t do this anymore. Nor can I Chez, shall we go clubbing instead?

“Humorous” cut to Jazz backstage still refusing to sing. Don’t give in Jazz, you don’t want to become yet another cog in the wheels of the mighty Cowell machine.

Next we have Gisele from Bristol. She can’t sing. But only because she is jet lagged – yes the Easy Jet plane obviously got lost en route from Bristol to Glasgow and crossed the international date line a few times eh? Easily done. She pouts. Simon says she reminds him of “you two” looking pointedly at Dannii and Cheryl. He doesn’t expand on whether he means the pouting or the fact that neither can sing particularly well.

Gordon takes the stage dressed in a shiny suit two tone suit that makes him resemble a cheap Christmas cracker from Lidl. He picked the wrong series to think wearing something “outrageous” would help his cause though. Go and find a non singing dog Gord, the ante has been upped this year. He murders Achy Breaky Heart (although let’s be honest, even Barbra Streisand couldn’t do a version of that song and get through to Boot Camp). Simon hates it, hates it, hates it.

Dermot tells us there is No Talent in Glasgow. Shot of Cheryl. Snigger. Has Simon been meddling in the editing suite again?

Another side splitting cut to Jazz STILL NOT SINGING!! Oh my, someone book this dog onto Loose Women, it’s got more sense than the entire panel!

ADS. Welcome break for plonk n meds.

We are back with Dermot in a Very Wet Glasgow. It’s been a disaster north of the border (filler footage of the craptastic acts we just saw) – yes it has indeed Dermot. Kind of “Final Destination 7 – Killing You Softly With My Shite Singing”.

Up next is Carla, who comes on dressed as a mechanic clutching a carrier bag.

Cheryl asks how old she is to which Carla replies “36″ but it sounds a bit like “76″. Simon admonishes Chez for being rude (OH! I’ve just been slayed by the Irony Monster!!) Cheryl mutters “Well you never know with this show”. That is actually quite perceptive Chezza love.

Carla rummages in her bag and produces a tie for Louis. Because she works in a Kilt shop (obviously with a Tie Rack Concession) she has chosen a tie for Louis’ “clan”. Yes, Louis Walsh the well known Scotsman.

Louis reluctantly takes the stage to claim his tie and a kiss. She really has chosen the wrong tree to bark up hasn’t she? Poor love.

Her song choice is so very apt too “If you don’t know me by now”. Haw. It bloody awful of course.

Dannii turns Gok for a minute and helps Louis to wear his tie “coolly” draped loosely round his neck. Plenty of scope to tighten the noose if he starts to play up.

For some reason Carla is allowed to sing on forever and ever. Tie-love I suppose. But seriously WHY?

Simon says she is sweet and he is glad he met her. I think he would have appreciated a plaid tie more than Louis too. It would have added a welcome flair to that manky grey T shirt he lives and dies in.

Even Louis says no, Scottish tie bribery just didn’t penetrate his little Irish heart. Next time Carla, try the Irish Rugger Team calendar, you may have more luck.

Dermot is wittering on about warming up back stage which is a shameless link to the line “someone who has had a WHOLE YEAR to get in shape….” and we meet Rikki Loney who is YET ANOTHER reject from X Factor’s past. This ENTIRE series has so far been made up of the scrapings from the bottom of the talent barrel and old contestants that have previously been rejected for Not Being Good Enough. 2009 is definitely the year of the comeback kids.

Rikki is wearing a stupid hat, coupled with an equally stupid eyebrow that has been shaved to supposedly look cool. It isn’t, it’s simply daft. I remember disliking Rikki last year and I don’t think he even had the rebel eyebrow then, so things haven’t improved for me.

Rikki babbles on about “Wanting it THAT MUCH” and how he is “desperate for another chance”. Someone give me a prod when he says something interesting I’m just popping to the kitchen for nibbles.

When I come back he is still earnestly pimping himself to camera. He hasn’t told his mum he is auditioning! But she is IN the audience! Wow, what a stroke of luck! The Derren Brown in me predicts one of the judges will pre-empt this with a loaded question. You wait and see if I’m right!

Simon pretends to forget then remember Rikki. Like me, I think he is thrown by the Eyebrow Of Shit.

And, wow, just wow, Simon “randomly” asks who Rikki is here with!!! Hand me your next week’s lottery cards everyone! I’ve got this prediction lark sussed!! Simon goes for the Best Judge’s Performance on a Reality Show Oscar by incredulously pretending to be shocked to the very core that Rikki’s mum is in the audience AND DIDNT KNOW HE WAS AUDITIONING! Oh viewers, I’m choking up here. On vomit at the pure ridiculous nature of the set up.

Rikki sings “These Arms Of Mine”. I’m still seething at the eyebrow and the bloody ridiculous hat AND the “set up mum” in the audience but putting all that aside, I still think he is mediocre at best. The same as I did last year. If only Randy Jackson was here to say “bit pitchy dawg”. Or even Paula who would probably simply get up and go and find Jazz to play with backstage. *Moments silence for no more Paula Pet moments on a singing contest EVER. Sob.

So, I’m underwhelmed by Rikki but the judges don’t agree. They love him.

Louis loves the fact he has come back fighting! What did I miss? Did he have a tussle with Dermot in the wings? Or did the evil Jazz dog get hold of his eyebrow? Dannii says his mum will be Proud. Cheryl says he is So Brave to have been knocked down and get back up again (wasn’t that a song?? Chumbawumba??). Simon makes a big deal about whether they made a mistake about rejecting him last year (*ME…No you didn’t)…but Si thinks they did. He also thinks we have only heard about 65-70% of Rikki’s potential. Don’t tell me he has more relatives hidden in the audience FFS?

Louis says it’s His Time To Shine. Cheryl says he definitely deserves another chance. Simon says “you could be Scotland’s highest hope in the competition”. Poor Scotland, no World Cup dreams and only twatty eyebrow boy as your one Phone Vote chance on X Factor. *Hands out box of kleenex around the Highlands*.

ADS. Things are starting to blur. Just a small glug of absinthe this time.

Shots of the Thames and Dermot’s trademark pivot on a box in front of the O2 denotes we are back in London which is apparently in a “carnival mood”. *Hopefully awaits footage of Simon dressed in something bright and gay. Snort. I think that sort of thing is kept firmly in his closet. Hello grey T shirt. Again.

The judges are brimming with confidence. Dannii skips from her car, full of eager expectation. Bless. Shall we break it to her we just had a “good one”, so chances are there will be at least 6 Acts Of Pure 100% Crap to come?

Dermot says the show is open to anyone over 16 – hang on hang on hang on a GODAMN MINUTE!! Have we all forgotten Jazz so soon? 7 Year old Jazz? Are we being swindled here? One rule for one, one rule for another. I’m speed dialling OFCOM right NOW.

Lets meet William from Clacton. William has been holding onto his dream longer than most. About six decades longer by the looks of things. William is a bit of a relic. He has bought along his daughter and GRANDAUGHTER for support! I think they made the grand final of Britain’s Got The X Factor last year didn’t they? Or am I getting confoozled?

Dermot tells William that the ladies will take a shine to him – especially that Miss Cole!! Yes, Cheryl Cole the well known subscriber to “Naked Pensioner Monthly” magazine.

William makes it to the stage without dying and when Simon asks him how old he is (82) the audience clap and cheer him for not being dead.

Simon enquires why William is here (obviously the Bruce Forsyth Home for The Sprightly Old Geezer is next door to this theatre and he thinks William may have got a bit lost). William says it’s his Last Chance. Simon grins hugely in a kind of Music Mogul meets the Grim Reaper kind of way.

“And where do you see yourself in 7 – uh – I think I will shorten that – let’s say 3 years time …”. he says with a sly smile. Oooh norty Si. I like you when you are norty. Please continue.

William replies he will be “At The Top” totally unfazed by Simon’s blatant inference that he will lucky to see out the week, let alone the X Factor finale.

Cheryl does that nose crinkle that my male friends tell me is “cute” . I think ladies are united in thinking its patronising.

William somewhat worrying then leans over his shoulder and says “Number Two please” . Holy crap (LITERALLY!) – NURSE! We need the colostomy bag out here FAST. Oh, hang on, actually, I think he was referring to his track number.

William launches into “Come Fly With Me”. Simon appears to be enjoying it, clicking his fingers along somewhat dreamily – no doubt thinking about all those wonderful times he has spent riding Ryan (ooh my fingers momentarily slipped off of the keyboard) Air. Heeheehee.

Louis tells William he is a Charming Man (copyright Morrissey 1986) and a Born Entertainer. He hopes he looks as good as William when he is 82. Simon leans over and says “Try next year?” Ha. Keep it up Si, I’m back to liking you this week.

Dannii thinks he has the X Factor. Cheryl says he is a Showbiz Man so William blows her a kiss. She blows one back – steady Cheryl, I think you’ve pulled.

Simon says “I like you” Quick as a flash William returns with “I like you too” . Oooh, Si has pulled as well! But Simon isn’t crazy about his singing voice. Louis says “But Simon he’s 82!!”

“Its all about the SINGING VOICE” says Si crossly, no doubt momentarily forgetting some of his past chart “triumphs”.

Its time to vote and its a No from Si and 3 yeses from the 3 that don’t really matter. Simon leans over and tells them they are “Sooo Soppy” but you can tell he is chuffed that the token old person has gotten their spot at Boot Camp. Another box that can be ticked then.

Next is Lydia who is 17 and does the Whitney Warble. She is OK though and the judges say she is really talented. Then Alistair who is also 17 and sings Michael Jackson (coz we are a Jackson down these days and there are sparkly loafers to fill). He is pretty good and its a crying shame we only get to see a 4 second snippet of his singing yet we have had to endure crazy people serial killing the classics for the best part of an hour. Anyway, its 4 yeses for Alistair. A group called The Secrets do Black and Gold and are rewarded with a Cheryl Wiggle Of Delight. Again they are good so only warrant 5.4 seconds of telly time. 18 year old Heshima sings The Script pretty well but WITHOUT A DOG so only gets 2.3 seconds of airtime but does get through to Boot Camp.

Then we are introduced to 18 year old Shanna Goodhead.*Momentary pause whilst I flick through my Bumper Smutty Joke book (Bernard Manning Edition) for a suitable quip. Oh but there is no time because HARK!! Its the Tinkle Tinkle reverberations from the Piano Of Doom. Hold tight, seat belts fastened, doors to manual, are we ready for takeoff? What’s up with our Shanna then (apart from her Porn Star surname of course)?? Well it really is a heartbreaking tale of woe, right up there with MJs early demise and Kerry being axed from the Iceland ads.

Shanna lives in a COUNCIL HOUSE. Sorry, I have to take a short break whilst I whip a few more hankies out my Kleenex stash. AND – she has to SHARE A ROOM! No doubt in the world of Simon Cowell, a council house is only one step up from living in a mud hut in a third world country (but with slightly less sun) and sharing a room is an equally alien a concept to him as Style.

Shanna hopes to Escape To Something Better and Help Her Family. I think someone needs to explain to Shanna the concept of a Real Job rather than hinge her entire life on a flaky TV show audition. Simon’s not helping and gravely tells her “This is your shot”.

No doubt in a subtle homage to Shanna’s amusing surname, Si is sucking on his biro with gusto and we hear Shanna break into “Songbird”. Hmm, I’m not blown away (titter) but its OK. I think its a poor song choice to be honest (oooh, hark at me going all Simon!) and doesn’t do her voice justice.

The audience love it though and Dannii waxes lyrical telling her she wants her to know how good she is. Louis says the “potential” word a lot and says he is really glad she came today. Cheryl says she has a natural raw talent. Simon says he is nervous about her self belief. Which is Simon code for “might crumple on the lives like that brat from BGT last year”.

Anyway to the strains of Leona’s “Run” its four yeses and Shanna’s dream of moving out of the Council House becomes ever closer.

ADS and a shameless plug for the Competition aimed at the gullible.

Oh bugger, we are going back to Birmingham. I’d been quite enjoying things up and till now.

Things go tits up from audition one with Simon dredging up the obscure animal questions for the first act, Amordeep. Her favourite animal is apparently the Guinea Pig (inspired by that ratty bit of fur round Chezza’s neck I suppose). She annihilates “I love Rock and Roll” in true Birmingham style. 4 no’s.

David is a Classroom Assistant and I’m throwing things at my telly as he totally ruin’s Katy Perry’s Hot and Cold. I SO wanted him to be good so I could see Simon singing “I’m in then I’m out”. Gutted.

Simon’s latest thing is to tell auditionees “it was nice to meet them” and sound sincere. It rarely works as in this case where he spins the line then does his “What a sodding minger” laugh with the other judges once they have left. Such a bad boy.

Next we have Michael who does Cher’s “Turn Back Time”. Badly of course. This IS Birmingham after all. Simon says “Honestly, that has given me a headache”. Join the club. Cheryl looks like she wants to join me on my flight to Switzerland. Abraham comes out singing Killing Me Softly except its more just Killing Me really. Louis says he is everything we aren’t looking for. Simon says “Nice to meet you”. Ha you are so going to burn in hell Si.

Time to meet Demi. Demi is 17 going on 4. Production obviously left her alone with some felt tips for too long as she has mysterious streaks of black in her blonde hair. She talks like she is indeed 4 with the mentality to match “I don’t want to do a 9-5 job” she chirrups. Try your local Aldi then love, you can work nights filling shelves. For God’s sake WHERE do they find these deluded souls?

Her family have come en masse, dressed in “Demi’s Got The X Factor” garb. I can suddenly see where Demi’s delusions may be stemming from. The X Factor means The Whole WorId to her. Oh I’m almost hoping she is good because the plunge from the Summit of Delusion is going to be a very long one indeed for this kid.

Cheryl put on her “mother hen” hat and gets all clucky with Demi, culminating in one of her “Awwwwws” usually reserved for animals and old people – and a nose wrinkle too. Nope, I’m still not getting “cute” from that, still patronising. Demi is singing “Saving All My Love”. Simon wishes her good luck and I’m with him on this. I want her to be good I really really do because I’m not sure I can bear the car crash of failure.

She isn’t horrifically bad but imagine Toyah singing Whitney – it just doesn’t quite work but you aren’t entirely sure why. She hits the odd note but is too lispy on the lyrics to be genuinely good. There is definitely some talent there but she made a classic audition mistake of picking the wrong song. Had she chosen something quirky, she could have pulled off a Diana Vickers style coup. Even more so if she had left her shoes backstage.

Dannii says she needs more practise but is cute. Demi says she doesn’t want to get through just because she is cute….oh Dems, Id have played up your little munchkin persona a bit more at this point pet. Louis says if it was a personality contest she would have won but it isn’t its a Talent contest – and then goes for a dramatic pause and Demi starts to lose it. To add insult to injury the Piano Notes of Doom start to plink. Simon scrunches up his eyes and says he agrees with Louis. He knows there is a Krakatoan Sized meltdown coming. He soldiers on and tell her that her voice isn’t good enough. He adds a sweet heart on the end to soften the blow. It isn’t working and the cracks are beginning to widen onstage. I’ve not felt this uncomfortable watching a TV show since Keith Chegwin did that game show naked.

Shots of Cheryl’ s eyes beginning to moisten. Louis says desperately “Don’t cry” . Simon has a sudden flash of cunning and whispers furtively “What would Amanda Holden do now Cheryl?” and she makes a brave break for the stage, even her 6 inch Ruby Stilettos can’t stop her and she is up there in full Caring Mode as its one of the key job requirements of a National Treasure. Shove off Myleene, your shampoo ads and baby books are pretty darn rubbish compared to Cheryl’s Hugs Of Humanity. The Crown of Nation’s Treasure has now Officially been passed over to Saint Cheryl The Compassionate of Newcastle.

Demi makes it backstage, where for all Chezza’s overload of hugs, she still curls up into a small ball and starts rocking. Shit. Does Cowell have The Priory on speed dial?

Ads.

We are back in London where the Yeses just keep on coming. Its a little montage of acts that aren’t quite bad enough to warrant squandering any time on that could be used showing us dogs that don’t sing.

Yellow Brick Road are an all girl group who do a very average version of Poker Face but still get through. Let’s face it they are SO desperate to fill up the Groups category they will take almost anything. You have to be a REALLY shit group not to make it to Boot Camp. Everyone knows Louis is going to get them anyway, so not much effort is put in. A couple of other acts that are too mediocre to mention get put through too.

Next we meet Ollie. Ollie is like the bastard child of Will Young and Jamie Oliver (if that were medically possible of course). Ollie is 25 and from Essex so they play the feem choon from Minder. Ollie has the Essex Accent and is being sold as the loveable wide boy. Although coming from Writtle which is better known for its Pick Your Own Strawberries rather than Wide Boys I suspect the producers are applying a fairly liberal dose of artistic licence here. He is made to say “geezer” and “ya know” a lot though reinforcing the Essex Boy image a bit more.

All the judges seem to take an immediate shine to Ollie. Dannii and Cheryl are grinning inanely like they are 12. I am mentally drawing little white thought bubbles over their heads saying “OMG HE IS SO FIT!” Louis probably is thinking this too, but wisely the camera stays off him until its time for him to speak.

He asks Ollie what his big dream is to which he waffles back about being a pop star, being famous, selling loads of records. The usual unrealistic dreams of any X Factor hopeful really.
Simon says “Got it” and “This is your chance”. He is the only judge seemingly not have fallen completely in love with Ollie so far. This is about to change.

Ollie sings “Superstitious” complete with funky dance moves and with a quite an interesting vocal. Granted its a bit Stevie Wonder meets Del Boy but it kind of works. The next shot of Simon may as well have had love hearts and pound signs cascading from every orifice.

Ollie has succeeded in making all the judges and most of the audience moist, so mission accomplished. Cheryl simpers a “wow” and tells him he has some soul in his voice. She says he is a Natural Born Entertainer. Dannii says he has the whole package! I hope you weren’t looking at his trousers Miss M! How very dare you! Simon says he REALLY likes him and thinks he is very, very VERY cool. I think he bonded with that awful, tight grey top Ollie was wearing.

Worryingly, Louis appears to have done a Si with his shirt and its unbuttoned just a bit too far. I never noticed this a moment ago, do you think he is preening? Eww. Anyway Louis does the voting round up.

Simon says its the easiest yes he has ever given. Apart from when Sinitta asked for yet another mansion, obviously. Cheryl says “Without question YES!” Dannii uses the “2000 yeses” line. Louis says its 4 yeses and Ollie is through to Boot Camp.

Manly hugs with Dermot backstage and then back to the judges table where Simon is still swooning over Ollie. I really, really like him Si enthuses. Oh Simon, quick get yourself papped coming out of Stringfellow’s covered in lipstick before people start to question things again.

And that’s it. Next week Its A Double Bill.

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