Saturday August 22nd 2009 X-Factor Show Review

Saturday August 22nd 2009 X -Factor series 6.
Its August so practically Christmas, which means It’s Time To Face The Music once again as Series 6 of X-Factor kicks off in a flurry of flames and dramatic music.
Hmm they are taking a bit of a risk with the flames don’t you think? That much Botoxed judge near that much naked flame and it could well be the end of the show before its begun. Thank heaven though, that none of the judges melt and we cut to judges in boats which seems to be a safer bet.
And then lorries. It’s not made clear whether we are meant to be imagining Cheryl Cole hammering an artic down the M1 or not, but I like to think it is.
Dramatic Voice Over man is earning his crust this week and tell us that the Audition Room “has seen it all” (cut to old *read CHEAP*footage of X-Factors past) and we have seen the “good” (unsurprising shot of Leona), the bad (rather amusing cut to Sharon!) and the “unpredictable” (Sharon again).
This year though, it’s All Change and The Dream, apparently, has just Got Bigger. Along with Simon’s bank balance, Cheryl’s knockers and Louis’ teeth.
Lots of footage of excited auditionees who now have Nowhere To Hide according to Dramatic Voice Over Man and cut to speeded up videotape of stages being erected countrywide.
Uh oh – the flames are back – not so CLOSE Simon, not only are your polyester T shirts highly flammable, your face is as well. Louis is inexplicably wearing Aviator sunglasses in a failed attempt to out cool Si. Cheryl and Dannii pout for England as it is indeed time to face the music. Cue Titles.
The lorries make another appearance, but try as I might, I still can’t make out if Chezza is behind the wheel, chugging back a Tango.
Dermot appears telling us that he doesn’t think it can get any bigger (don’t wear such tight jeans next week then Dermy babes) and does his first Dermot Trademark Spin of the series and tells us we are in London. To back this up, we are shown lots of shots of the O2, Big Ben and the London Eye just so we know we aren’t being lied to. Trigger lots of excitable auditonees to leap about making Xs with their arms.
It’s the speed boats up the Thames again (just to doubly re-inforce the fact we are in LONDON) and Simon tries fiendishly hard to look like James Bond whizzing past the O2. No shots of Louis, but he is probably sitting up the back of the boat stroking a pussy in true James Bond style. On second thoughts…..that’s probably unlikely.
Simon tell us it is returning tougher and HE takes the blame if it goes wrong with one of his camp shoulder shrugs. Sigh, one minute James Bond, the next, Dale Winton.
More flames, more boats.
Louis tells us they are going to change someone’s life and that this time last year, JLS were in the queue! Methinks this will be the first of many a mention from Louis of JLS. In the extremely unlikely event he doesn’t get lumbered I mean chosen to get the groups again, then he will witter on constantly about how rubbish this year’s lot are to “JLS”. The holy, blessed SAINT J of LS. The best group EVER on the X-Factor. But still not good enough to win.
Boats again past yet more London landmarks (a globule of floating river debris and some half finished recession hit flats).
Dannii tells us that they are raising the bar. Nice one, mine’s a Pimm’s please love.
FINALLY after what seems like an eternity (or half a Leona album) the judges finally take their seats in the new look, audience filled studio and it looks like we finally might be getting down to the nitty gritty.
Nope. Advert break. Get used to them.
Dermot is now safely ensconced inside the, er “O2″ (I will pretend I didn’t see chairs with “ExCel” on them, nor divulge that I was actually AT this audition taping and it was at the ExCel not the O2, regardless of how many times Simon drove his boat past it). He is on familiar Host like territory, being cosy and chummy with the very first victims of series 6.
We are introduced to the Dream Girls who are from Lithuania. They are kind of like a more serious version of the Cheeky Girls. This is backed up when Dermot asks them “Are you SERIOUS?” when they tell him they have moved here JUST to be on the show. I see our tough new immigration laws are working like a charm then?
Dermot whispers furtively to us that it’s “their moment of truth” as the CheekyDream Girls are ushered onto the stage.
When Louis discovers they are from foreign parts (i.e. not Ireland) he immediately slips into talking to them veerrrryyyy slowly. Simon is gnawing on his biro already which is never a good sign and frowns darkly when they announce they are going to sing Angels.
Dannii says something encouraging but I cannot remember what because WHY THE HELL HAS SHE GOT A TAMPON ON HER FINGER??? If this is what you can buy in the Australian Jewellery boutiques, then I’m quite glad my budget only runs to Elizabeth Duke at Argos. Might be cheap tat but my rings don’t resemble sanitary wear.
Anyway, back to the singing. Its blinking awful. Lots of shots of Simon scrunching up his face in horror, Cheryl wincing and Louis grinning inanely. Dannii’s facial expression doesnt appear to have moved yet, so its unclear as to her thoughts – no wait, I might have seen a frown…oh no, no, just a bit of runny mascara.
Once Simon is ABSOLUTELY sure enough horrific footage has been captured, he calls a halt to the “song”. This is post SuBo Simon who is obviously treading a tad more carefully over the emotions of frail contestants and tells them the good news is they are young and brave (Simon, they just sang Angels, they were not on the front line in Afghanistan love) but the bad news is they sounded like cats being squashed.
Cheryl plays the female judge trump card of commenting on how good they look but neglects to mention their singing. Dannii says they have tuning problems. Ha, perceptive that wee Aussie lass. Louis says they should stick to modelling. That’s another word for it these days I suppose. 4 No’s.
Into the ever loving arms of Dermot, the girls ponder where it all went wrong. Right at the point where you opened your gobs girls.
A montage next of some shrieky auditionees that weren’t especially bad enough to warrant any real telly time.
A dreadful minger sings “Beautiful” and the producers gleefully milk the irony by zooming in on her greasy, zit peppered chops whilst she screeches out “I yam beeeyoootifullllll” . The sadistic barstewards. But funny, oh yes.
Next is Steve who wants to win the X-Factor and sings “The Wonder Of You”. Even though this is probably a song Simon secretly plays to himself a lot, he isn’t keen and tells Steve he is “horrible and atrocious”.
I am momentarily side swiped then, as the camera pans to Louis who appears to have changed outfits. What on God’s earth has he got on? I rub my eyes in disbelief and is it a lacy blouse? No, it’s not QUITE a lacy blouse, but a shirt with glitter on it so it resembles a lacy blouse. Oh Louis, Louis, Louis…trips to Gok’s Fashion Emporium should not be undertaken without supervision from someone with a sense of style. Did Louis specifically ask for a shirt that made him look gayer than David Walliams merged with Alan Carr? If so, spot on, it ticked all the boxes.
Right, back to the singing. Hell it’s been on for half an hour and we have seen ONE act! Suddenly, Christmas seems further away than I first thought.
We are backstage again with Dermot who is chatting to Stacey from Essex. Stacey is 19 and a single mum from Dagenham. “Essex” “19″ “single mum” – X-Factor Stereotype 101 material.
The UK collectively reaches for their hankies as Stacey earnestly tells us she wants to make a “better life for her and her son” (gratuitous close up of Dermot trying to bond with said child who is more interested in his packet of Monster Munch. Poor Dermot). Obviously the idea of a “real job” is alien to our Stace, and the X-Factor is her only escape route out of Dagenham. Definitely NOT the A13 to the Beckton Shopping Centre oh no.
She takes the stage and Simon chats to her for awhile, purely to make sure we have sufficiently heard enough of her “common” accent and will be shocked to the core when she is actually quite good. She is singing Wonderful World – no doubt this will be interspersed with slo-mo shots of her son at some point. Lets hope he has finished the Monster Munch.
Quelle Surprise then, when she is actually quite good and Simon mouths “My God” to Cheryl with his trademark look of faux amazement when ugly or common people are able to hold a tune.
Oh my lord, NOT LOUIS’ BLOUSE again. My, eyes, my eyes. Quick, back to Simon’s smiley chops.
Cheryl didn’t expect her to be that good. Neither did Louis (oh that chuffing shirt). Dannii is surprised, Simon is surprised. Its four yeses for Stacey!
As she leaves the stage Simon tells the other judges he loves that girl. I’m wondering if that’s a new experience for him.
More Ads.
Its goodbye London and helloooo Manchester as the X-Factor lorries thunder into town.
Dermot tells us there is excitement in the air, which, being Manchester, makes a change from rain I suppose.
We see Simon driven about 8 feet in his Rolls and then pretends to be embarrassed about it. If he isn’t embarrassed by those Primark T shirts that cling to his tits, then I really don’t think this is nibbling at his conscience somehow.
Another montage of acts too mediocre to bother with wasting valuable advertising time on.
The first Mancunian act to take the stage is Katy who has come resplendent in Motorcycle leathers. I’m wondering does she have some secret knowledge of a judge who has a leather fetish? Apparently not, it’s simply the fact she likes motorcycles. OK then.
She blasts out a pretty reasonable version of Pixie Lott’s “Mama Do” and gets 4 unanimous yeses from the judges. Sodding hell, 45 mins in and a grand total of two acts through to Boot Camp.
More hastily edited together footage of acts that make it through, denoted by a plethora of Simon’s winks which verge on sexy to creepy depending onto whom he is directing them at. Si doesn’t discriminate with his winks and dishes them out to all acts worthy enough. King of the Mixed Messages that man.
However, if anything can knock Simon’s winks off of our screen then its Emma Chawner. You remember Emma – the enormously talentless screecher from series 4. With emphasis on the enormous.
Obviously being publicly humiliated is something Ems is making a career of (in between pie-eating contests and watching Jeremy Kyle) and has returned for another go. Dermot pretends to look overjoyed to see her and fails. But let’s face it, Oscar winning actors would have had a hard job carrying that one off convincingly. Undeterred, Dermot chirpily interviews Emma and her latest shameless attempt to make the telly, her equally gargantuan sized sibling, Samantha. Collectively they are now known as Sister Act.
Poor Dermot looks like he is shooting a cover for “Big Jugs” magazine but gamely soldiers on with the interview. I’m beginning to warm to Dermot a little.
Thing 1 and Thing 2 enter the stage where Simon flinches in barely rehearsed horror. Lots of eye rolling and (Botox permitting) frowning ensues.
A little bit of banter where we establish the girls have been evicted from their house FOR SINGING (do we understand IRONY UK?) and have been living in a car with their dog. Cheryl immediately covers her mouth and nose.
They are going to sing “Hero” and the nation settles back to await the train wreck.
Once again though, I am distracted from the tremendous racket on stage by a judges outfit. Dannii Minogue appears to have had a tangle with her duvet this morning and decided “Sod it, I’m sick of the Fashion-Off with Cheryl, I’m just going in like this” and has come adorned with what appears to be a quilt over her shoulder. Either that or Louis stole her blouse. Nice.
Sister Act are reassuringly awful and Simon is looking secretly rather chuffed. He tells them they are twice as bad as last year which is probably music to the girls ears as it will mean another go on the tour, a spot on the final (which includes a night in a hotel with cakes on tap) and a guaranteed sofa pimp on GMTV.
Simon tells them never to audition again (but what he REALLY means is, never audition again unless you have even more cringe worthy fatties in your family and you come back as a group called “Cake That”).
Moving quickly on and we meet Joe who is 18 and from South Shields. He appears to be a male version of Chezza Cole – cute, an incompressible accent and rather vacant.
Joe likes to entertain people which is probably good as the natural next step from X-Factor generally isn’t mega stardom, but Butlins.
Joe takes the stage where we cut to Simon who appears to be texting under the desk. Well, he is fiddling with something under there anyway.
Cheryl springs to life when she hears Joe’s Newcastle lilt and flutters her eyelashes shamelessly at him. It’s the Cheryl version of a Simon wink.
After what seems like decades of Northern gossip between Joe and Chez, he finally breaks into Luther Van Dross’ Dance With Your Father. Let’s face it, any act who is preceding Emma Chawner is guaranteed to look good, and he does.
Cheryl mouths at Louis “He’s cute” and it’s a crying shame the cameras don’t let us see Louis response to this.
Joe elicits a entire back catalogue of X-Factor clichés – they are fired out like rounds from an AK-47. Louis says he is glad he came and the competition just got exciting! Simon says they might just have found a pop star! Louis says he had it all! He is given a culturally diverse “why eye” from Cheryl and 3 yeses from the others. Welcome to Hollywood baby! Oh, sorry, wrong show.
Ads. Great, I really need to do a poo at Pauls.
We are back and this time its Glasgow and it’s raining.
Much hilarity when Simon announces this is “practically his home town” and says he is a bit Scottish. Louis enquires as to which bit, top or bottom half? The thought of Louis thinking a little too much about Simon’s bottom half makes me a little queasy.
Cheryl huffs that Simon reckons he has a bit of everything in him. I had heard myself he had a small bit of American in him, but put that down to unsubstantiated internet rumours.
She then goes on to say we all want to see Simon in a kilt. Housewives across the nation collectively think “You hold him down Cheryl pet, I’ll get the jeans off”. Snigger.
First up is Kyle (once we have seen his mother, it becomes obvious he is named after Saint Jeremy Of Kyle). Kyle is here to see Cheryl which triggers an eye roll from Simon.
Louis has taken one too many Nurofen Plus in the break and randomly asks Kyle if he has any pets?? One wonders is Louis after Paula’s job on American Idol? Kyle doesn’t understand a word and it all goes odd for awhile.
Kyle is going to sing Untouchable by Girls Aloud. Cheryl beams hugely and Simon groans for the rest of us and tells us “we don’t like that song”. That’s the Royal Cowell “we” I presume?
Kyle gets a bit lippy and insists he is singing this tune because he likes it. Cheryl: “Whooooo”.
Simon does a camp shrug and for some odd reason has half disappeared under the desk, like he is being dragged down into quicksand. Or maybe it’s one of the Dream Girls under there, working on the Kilt thing?
Kyle sounds like he has inhaled an entire kids parties worth of balloon helium. Cheryl is undeterred and sings along gamely, at least this time certain she is the best singer overall.
Simon likes his attitude, Louis says he should be a manager and Cheryl is the only one to give him a yes just because he chose a Girls Aloud song (shallow? Cheryl?) but it’s not enough. Kyle plummets back to obscurity as fast as he arrived.
Now, did you know Louis Walsh has super powers? He has the amazing gift of fantasising about his dream act and then “poof” (titter) they magically appear on stage! And here they are, the product of some evil pop managers wet dream, Irish boy twins. They are John and Edward who are 17, from Dublin and have cheeky shocks of wild blond hair that makes them look a little like a Rhydian tribute act. All that is missing is white outfits, a couple of stools (the sitting on kind) and a Westlife backing track, but this will no doubt be remedied once we get to the live shows.
With an uncharacteristic flash of wit, Cheryl tells them they have a yes from Louis. I’m thinking this was probably written down for her to say. Mainly as she sees absolutely no irony in this statement whatsoever, given the fact she just gave a yes to some talentless dweeb BECAUSE HE SANG A GIRLS ALOUD song.
Simon queries their accent which is an odd mix of Leprechaun meets the Black Eyed Peas.
The Scary Irish Boy Twins bring new higher levels of meaning to the word “obnoxious” and when asked what they will be in 15 years, they reply “older”. I still haven’t decided whether I like this razor sharp retort or hate them more for it.
Simon has had enough of the chat and wants to hear them sing so the boys oblige and launch into a very sub standard version of the Backstreet Boys “As Long As You Love Me”. This pair are obviously smarter than I’ve given them credit for, as they try to cover up the fact they cannot sing more than 2 out of 5 notes in tune by getting the audience to join in with the song. I’ll warrant that Simon hadn’t counted on his brilliant “live audience” plan backfiring quite so spectacularly as this.
Louis is totally unperturbed and is gazing lovingly at them like a love sick teenager. Was he really murmuring the words too or did I imagine that? *Shakes head to clear image*
Anyway, Simon tells them they are two of the most irritating people he has ever met. This, coming from a man sitting next to Cheryl Cole and Louis Walsh! Boy those twins must have really hacked him off.
Louis tells them they look like pop stars! Dannii thinks they have something! Is bubonic plague too much to hope for? Cheryl thinks they are intriguing. I think the word she was actually looking for was “crap”.
It’s a No from Simon, a yes from Dannii and a yes from Cheryl. Simon makes a funny about Louis impending decision…”Drum roll ….Louis?” which we love him for.
It’s an almost orgasmic YES from Lou-Lou and the Scary Boy Twins are through to Hollywo.. – oh I mean Boot Camp.
We have snippets of more “not quite good enough for REAL telly but you might get a bit longer on X-tra Factor” mini auditions. We see a Laura who gets a wink and a yes. Then Roy who is a plasterer with a pretty scary beard but nice enough voice. Simon has always been a bit partial to keeping a beard around (cough cough) and it’s another yes.
More Ads. This time I’m doing a wee at Wilmas.
The over the top speed boats again denote we are “back” in London. Shots of deranged wannabees emerging from tents and being forced to make Xs with their arms. Serves them bloody well right.
Simon sweeps into the building like Emperor Ming and for some unfathomable reason messes up Louis hair and adds pink hearts to it. Their relationship is somewhat complex I think.
Time for more acts and we are introduced to “Triple Trouble” a teen band who are there to prove a point.
“Not all teenagers are bad” says one band member sagely and Simon pretends to look suitably impressed, whilst stifling giggles. They launch into a cataclysmically terrible version of Umbrella and Simon no longer hides the fact he is wetting himself with laughter. He stops them mid song and enquires whether they have colds. Colds? So last year Simon…don’t you mean Swine Flu? He tells them “It was kind of a racket” to which teenager replies “that’s kind of rude”. Duh? Has this kid not watched the last 5 seasons? Cowell is paid to be rude you numbnutz.
In a “Its not REALLY Britain’s Got Talent, really it ISNT” moment, the audience launches into boos and chants of “off off off”.
It all ends with the teens throwing down their mics in protest. Yawwn. From the safety of the post show interview “booth” the stroppy boy teen tells Simon to sleep with one eye open from now on. I’m not sure if this is a chat up line or a threat.
A few more car crash auditions and worse, more footage of Louis in his scary gay blouse.
Simon appears to be getting sweatier by the second and one wonders why multi-squillionaires don’t spend some of their cash on a can of Lynx.
Now, what haven’t we had yet? SuBo moment? Check. Cute boy? Check. Utter Crap? Check. Insane relative backstage? Oooh, no check! It must be time.
We are introduced to “Beyond Reason” who are another product of the Louis Walsh Fantasy Act Factory. Two blond lads who wander about the stage a lot doing air grabs. Their air grabs are truly of Westlife Gold Standard, unfortunately, their singing isn’t. Undeterred, Louis says he likes them and that they need people like this in the competition. Quick as a flash Simon retorts back “What people that sing out of tune?” *HUGS* Simon.
Backstage, “Beyond Reason’s” Grannyzilla goes mental and tells Simon (from the relative safety of Dermot’s arms and to a monitor) to “shut his face you horrible man”. The nation is urging her to storm onstage and wallop Simon with her Lidl carrier bags, but obviously the security budget has been upped and she doesn’t make it that far. Collective groan of disappointment.
Anyway, its a no for Beyond Reason although they probably go away with Louis phone number so its not all bad.
NEXT. Its a re-auditionee and we are reminded of Duane who last year made it as far as Boot Camp.
Obviously after Alexandra’s triumphant comeback last year, we knew this years audition rooms would be chock full of ghosts from X-Factors past.
Duane gets on stage where Cheryl (having just read her show notes) does a reasonable job of pretending to remember him. Simon suddenly remembers him too after a surreptitious rifle through his own notes.
Oh crap, Louis is in the blouse again.
Duane sings “Aint No Mountain High Enough” which goes down well enough. He has a strong, if not a memorable voice. Simon however, is feasting on his biro, brows furrowed and wants Duane to sing something more “current”. Lady Gaga perhaps? Duane offers Happy Birthday for some odd reason then chances his arm with Beyonce. Blimey, I was joking about Lady Gaga. Simon seems happy enough with Beyonce and Duane does a pretty good job with…well, a Beyonce song. It wasn’t Halo, or If I were a Boy or the one about beautiful nightmares if that helps?
Simon is vindicated that his brilliant plan to sing a current (albeit unheard of ) track has now made Duane good enough for Boot Camp. Unanimous yeses.
Ads.
Things are wrapping up – always denoted in X-Factor by speeded up footage of clouds and ever shortening queues.
Just time for a few more rubbish auditions and no doubt build up to one more good one at the end.
There are Pork Pie makers, screeching women and the straw that finally breaks The Cowell’s back, a blue gorilla. He storms off in a huff demanding aspirins from a backstage flunky. Hands up who thinks “aspirin” is mega star code for “Cocaine”? After the last batch of auditions, I really can’t say Id blame him.
Lots of shots of Si looking crosser and crosser so we know they are building us up for “the good one at the end” so Simon can go home feeling all warm and fuzzy.
Slow tinkling piano music starts and we are introduced to “Danyl”. I take an immediate dislike to him because of the inane way he spells his name. I’m not sure if his parents were those ultra chavvy chavs who like to spell their kids names “quirkily” or whether Danyl himself has decided its just cooler that way. Whatever, its annoyed me greatly. I’m certain that there is going to be the aura of a Sob Story about Danyl – dead wives, fallen comrades, terminally ill relatives, injured puppy, hails from a sink estate and shares a bed with sibling…which one will it be?
Its actually quite a letdown that the best he can do is relate that he is a teacher and is Doing It To Make The Kids PROUD. Oh. Are the kids ill? It appears not. Hmm. Danyl needs to improve his Sob Story if he is going to last in this show. Surely one of the brats has something he can use? I’ll warrant by Boot Camp one of them has something nasty indeed.
Danyl knows how to work an audience and a panel of judges. Cheryl is soon simpering like a 13 year old and even tries a wink, but her mascara sticks her eyelashes together so it comes out like a kind of leer. Dannii is giggling with glee as well.
Danyl belts out “A Little Help From My Friends” and overplays it big time. He squats down in front of the judges and appears to be serenading Simon although the camera angles are annoyingly vague. After the stories in the News Of The World, it appears I was actually right about this. A boy tart. Brilliant.
Danyl gets a standing ovation and rapturous comments. Dannii says it was the perfect audition. Louis thanks God he came in (I just thank God he isn’t wearing that damn blouse again). Cheryl wants him in her group. Simon makes a huge fuss of him and tells him its the bestest ever audition he has ever seen in the whole wide world -EV-AH.
Danyl is through to Boot Camp.
That’s it. All that’s left is some footage of the judges boarding a plane. From the outside it appears to be an Easy Jet but inside, its an Easy Jet that’s Ride Has Been Pimped. Shots of judges waxing lyrical about Danyl.
*Simon appears to have perked up considerably after his “aspirin”.
Next week. More of the same no doubt.

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