Saturday 7th November 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Live Performance Show Saturday November 7th 2009

Last week it was Rock Week! Cheryl’s dress was probably the nearest we got to things being edgy and dangerous. No-one bit the head off a chicken but Stacey sang nicely to Keane. Danyl’s epic Verruca Salt sulk paid off and he stayed out of the bottom two. Jedward rocked us indeed but I was marginally disappointed they didn’t get plastic guitars to smash over Dermot’s skull. Rachel got sent home over “Almost Terminally Ill Lloyd” who had a bad throat and looked like a puppy awaiting a stoning.

This week! Its Movie Week! The show appears to be sponsored by Disney. The contestants are attending a Movie Premiere which I assume will be rammed down our throats during each contestant VT. Dannii isn’t prepared to lose another act – Ooh never a Scout then Dannii? Simon’s the Supreme Dark Overlord of Smug because he still has all his acts left and his evil plan to keep Danyl in by making him cry worked a treat. “I must be doing something right” he beams, sharpening his pointy stick to poke at Danyl to make him sob again later on. “My three are the three to beat” says Si cheerfully. Now that I could help with. Pass me the hefty oily crowbar and I’ll start with the shouty cry baby.

Its time to face the (Disney) music.

Dermot’s here in dark suit that makes him look suspiciously like Ryanair cabin crew. He says something vague about Star Wars which is simply an excuse for the judges to glide on to the Star Wars theme tune. Cheryl has let me down as I was expecting something special for movie week – a dress fashioned from barbed wire in homage to the Great Escape, or maybe something tasteless crafted from a movie reel and 3 yards of film wound over strategic places. Alas, she has on a normal dress that has not one thing to bitch about. However, she has obviously been dabbling in her free sample box from Loreal and mixed “Coppernob” with “Scarecrow Brown” to create wild hairdo with a reddish tinge. Dannii has made a bit more effort with a Princess Leia white gown affair, but sadly, even though her hair has done many a bakery turn this series, fails to complete the look with Leia’s trademark buns. Simon’s come as Darth Vader’s slightly more camp and marginally less asthmatic younger brother. Louis would have made a brilliant Ewok but instead rolls up in his normal suit. Oh and look – Dannii and Louis are back to their usual seats this week. Only this show could create acres of tabloid headlines over where Louis Walsh plants his bum on a Saturday night.

Dermot appears to have forgotten why he is there. I forgot about 4 weeks ago. When he comes round, he goes to Dannii who introduces Stacey. Stacey is trademark giggly about her Simon love she got last week – “I’m not one of the over 25s and he likes me” she gushes. It would soon evaporate though if she found herself up against one of his beloved Overs in the bottom two. Stacey is naturally like Cheryl in a shoe shop at the Film Premiere of Disney’s A Christmas Carol – all ditzy and giggly. She has come dressed as Minnie Mouse’s Essex cousin and wants to win so she can come to film premières all the time! Ooh, is that Steve Brookstein I see behind Bob Hoskins? Ah, no, I think its one eighth of Diversity sweeping up.

Stacey is singing a song from Pulp Fiction – which she only saw recently and thought was “ a bit violent” as she is more a “Toy Story girl” herself. Brian is having none of that namby pamby Disney rubbish in his routine and is trying to teach Stacey to be “sexy” which mainly involves strutting round the dance studio fellating a bottle of water. Brian frowns and looks worried “She isn’t a natural mover” he grimaces, obviously itching to get back to the twins. Cheryl thinks she is “adorable but not sexy”. Exactly like that insipidly sickly Joe on her team really.

Stacey is singing “Son Of A Preacher Man” and come out clad in a skin tight leather (or it might have been PVC- I’m not up on my S&M fabrics) cat suit which might have screamed SEXY if weren’t for the cardigan that’s kind of half on half off as if she wants to stay in her “Toy Story” comfort zone. Its not a bad version of the song, although Stace doesn’t look particularly comfortable with either the song or the outfit. Brian should have dressed her as Miss BoPeep and Dannii should have given her “You’ve Got a Friend In Me”. Everyone would be a winner.

Louis thought the song lacked emotion (and lets face it the leather cat suit was never going to stir an emotion in him was it?). Cheryl reckoned it was her most confident performance so far. Simon compares her performance to eating Chinese food – you don’t feel anything afterwards (you want to try the No.26 Spicy Kung Po Prawns from my local Si, the aftershocks last all night). Stacey counters back that she felt good. Simon says it was a lazy song choice and feels she could be vulnerable. Dannii points out that Simon’s comments are proof of how out of touch he is and professes its how Amy and Duffy would have done it. Although in Amy’s case, probably with slightly less cardigan and a whole lot more tattooed boobage. Dermot loves Stacey’s outfit, describing her as looking like Olivia Newton-John. “The audience find you sexy even if most of them are girls!” he blunders, implying tonight’s female audience contingent are in wearing dungarees, DM’s and crew cuts.

Ads. Slit your wrists time because 99.9% are Christmas ones and we have barely scraped into November.

Back to Dermot who introduces “Our Resident Villain” Brian? Oh, no, its Darth Simon with the FIRST of his Overs, Olly Murs. Olly has also been to the Disney Movie Premiere and loves the screaming fans and hopes to return to the red carpet “as a pop star”. Failing that, he’d do bloody well as a Matt Damon stand in. Simon’s chosen a song from one of his favourite films of all time, which could be worrying. I cant see Olly doing “Cabaret” somehow. But its OK, because Simon’s taste in films appears to be dramatically better than his taste in music, as its Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and the song is Twist and Shout. Simon thinks Olly is like Ferris because he is funny and cheeky. I wonder if Danyl is singing something from an Adam Sandler film because he is immensely and irrationally irritating?? Olly is happy with his song choice but wants to “make it his own”. I wonder which article of clothing might be ripped off this week then? Dannii ponders that Olly’s song choices are the same every week. That’s because Simon only seems to own about 4 CDs plus the Kings Of Leon album someone downloaded to his phone. These song choices haven’t changed since 2003 have they?

Olly bounds on stage wearing yet another crotch hugging, one size too small suit and leaps around to “Twist & Shout”. Brian has helpfully provided a troupe of twisting girls and boys to zest things up a bit. Olly sings the song adequately enough – although its not exactly a taxing vocal – we have all belted out this on late night showing of Ferris, tanked up on cheap cider and Doritos and sounded JUST AS GOOD. Still its entertaining enough I suppose. Louis liked the performance but thought Simon chose a silly song and wants to see more versatility. Hark, this, coming from Jedward’s mentor! Dannii was confused by the “Thriller” dance routine because she hadn’t seen the film. Cheryl agrees it would look random if you hadn’t seen it. Cheryl’s suddenly gone all Barry Norman with her film knowledge. She liked the performance but thinks he is singing too many retro songs and wants to hear something contemporary. Like a Girls Aloud number presumably. The audience goes a bit mental at this point and Simon ticks them off but they still continue to screech at ever increasing decibels. Instead of chewing biros, Simon should gnaw the tops off grenades then launch one now and then into the teeming, baying mob to SHUT THEM UP. Simon reckons the other judges have been mean because Olly was entertaining. Dermot asks Olly if he is happy with the comments and whether he wants to start doing something more contemporary? “I’ll do whatever Simon tells me” he pants happily. Bloody hell, next week its tight, tiny leather shorts, a too small vest and Mack The Knife then.

Over to Cheryl to introduce “my lovely Lloyd Daniels” who is dressed as “ill” in a cuddly scarf, thick jumper and has red cheeks and Vick stains on his nose. As luck would have it, he was cured enough to attend the film première – a touch of the old Diana Vickers here I reckon! He does an ace job of not laughing at Jim Carrey who these days has morphed seamlessly into Jim Royle. Simon’s advice is to choose a current song. Cheryl has chosen something from the movie “Stand By Me”. Even those without their Phd in Film Soundtracks could have a fairly decent stab as to which one. Cheryl says they are going to add a “Contemporary Twist” which probably means another back flip, or if we are really lucky, a few of the notes might be in tune. Louis thinks the song is too old for Lloyd. I’ve got socks older than Lloyd and the song pool for fop haired teens who cant sing is fairly limited. How long before Chezza has him crooning Jacko’s Ben at us?

Lloyd is perched on a stool with wandering Westlifes around him. Its mournfully out of tune and Simon and Cheryl seem to be having a row. Id rather stay with that, but the camera returns to Lloyd before we can find out what that particular spat is about. The “Contemporary Twist” appears to be a bit of another song chucked in the middle somewhere. Its not the twist I would have liked – i.e. the twist of the plug being pulled from the mic so we can stop listening to this butchery. Its all rather horrid and Lloyd should be doing this shit at home with a hairbrush or, at best on Singstar, not in front of 12 million people. Its made EVEN more cringe worthy by the fact he wanders down and reaches out for Cheryl mid song. There isnt a vomit bucket big enough. Louis thinks he is out of his depth and that there are four better guy singers in the competition. John and Edward, obviously, but who else?? Dannii thought it was a “nice performance” which is the nearest she’ll ever say to something being completely crap. Simon reckons it was “nice like having tea with your mum” in a tone that implies he doesn’t find that nice very much at all. Oh dear, I hope Simon’s mum watches Strictly and not this. Simon realises quickly that wasn’t a good thing to say and backtracks swiftly. Too late, I reckon Mama Cowell has taken back the diamond cuff links and bought him a Cheryl Cole album for Xmas instead. Si reckons Lloyd has given up (wishful thinking) and his voice wasn’t big enough for the song. Cheryl naturally disagrees and says it was the most comfortable vocal he has done so far. Comfortable like itching powder in a hair shirt kind of way? She says a younger song would have made him “cheesy” which she didn’t want to do. Instead she stuck with bland, boring, old and out of tune.

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We are back with Simon and Jamie. Jamie has gone a bit pouty and whingy lately. Rock week was tough because everyone had “expectations”.SNOOZE. I’m getting rather bored of Simon’s moany boys. There is more depressing sniffling, crying, whining and whinging with this lot than there is on an entire weeks worth of EastEnders. If I were Simon Id be giving them a swift kick up the arse and force them to sing High School Musical stuff till they perked up. Jamie appears to be a bit happier at the Disney Film Premiere where he punches the air and “loves being famous”. Such a bleeding downer that having to learn a song ruins all this chirpiness. Jamie and Simon have another falling out over song choice. At the sound check Simon doesn’t like Jamie’s version of Unchained Melody which was the original, highly predictable pick so its hastily changed to Roy Orbison’s “Crying”. Strewth, Jamie switches his songs faster than the Sugarbabes can change their line up. Simon admits its from a very little known movie called “Gummo”. Holy Crap, this wont please Staff Sergeant Walsh will it? Still, Simon’s the boss and if this song was only hummed for 2 seconds in a 1953 French Underground porno, he would have still allowed it.

The performance is OK although a tad shouty in parts. Most of it was in tune so its a huge leap up from Lloyd anyway. Louis thought it was an emotional performance but doesn’t know the movie which means SIMON IS CHEATING AGAIN. Simon rolls his eyes and frowns a lot but obviously couldn’t give a toss WHAT Louis thinks. Dannii also thought it was emotional and importantly, not “pub rock”. Because X Factor is more “Cruise Ship Karaoke” than Pub Rock and don’t you forget it. Cheryl sucks up to Simon and thinks he did well changing the song as she thinks Unchained Melody is a bit cheesy. Simon points out it was the U2 version who he doesn’t think are cheesy. No, just boring old farts these days. Cheryl hasn’t heard of the U2 version so a very camp Simon tells her to “You Tube it sweet heart”. Joyful footage of Cheryl’s face looking like she’s licked piss off a nettle. “I was nice to him by the way” she interrupts. But Simon’s lost interest in Cheryl and tells Jamie “it was his best performance by a mile – congratulations”. Dermot tries to stoke the judges fires a bit more by bringing up the Cheating again but we are all bored with that now. Jamie intervenes and says the song was also used in Mulholland Drive which kind of puts an end to it all – and proves once again that most of this “off the cuff” judges banter is more scripted than an Alan Bennett Play.

Ads. Is Geordiecide illegal? Because if not I’m going to ram a couple of DS Lites down the gobs of Ant and Dec until they can no longer hold their stylus or a Mario Kart steering wheel.

Back to the studio and Dannii to introduce Lucie who thinks the Disney Film Premiere is the Best Thing Ever. But then they don’t have Disney, films or première’s in Micro Sized Village sheep hamlets. Tonight she is going to show us Who She Is and is singing a song from Camp Rock. Camp Rock? It that one of Simon’s favourite bars or something? No, apparently its one of those annoying Disney “teen flicks” which you wouldn’t have seen unless you are 13 or a pervert.

Lucie is wearing a top fashioned from Cheryl’s cast off spangly leggings from last week and is singing a song from the film called “This Is Me” which, not being 13 or a pervert means I’ve never heard it in my life before. The wind machine is up to cyclone and its all bouncy and Disney but a bit less Hannah Montana and more Wailing Wales. Its all right but I fear this narrow appealing song choice may cost her dearly. Louis liked it though saying it was “cool and contemporary” and that she “looked like a pop star”. He also thinks she’ll be the “Last girl standing”. Don’t put your house on it LuLu. Snigger. Chezza thinks she has found her “niche” but needs to “loosen up and enjoy it more”. Simon now thinks she is “relevant” which is this years X Factor buzz word. As the weekend wears on though, rest assured that “relevant” can easily be trumped by “out of tune” and “entertaining”. Dannii thinks the only thing she can add is that “I’m not the only one who loves Lucie”. No, you and about 3 others as it turned out. Lucie then does the girl kiss of death and tries to go a bit Stacey. Rachel tried it last week and look how badly that ended? I’m saying nothing. Except maybe a quiet hahahaha.

Next up Simon promises us “ A new Danyl Johnson!” Well thank feck, I was mightily fed up with the old one. Is this one more humble and less shouty with the added feature of blocked tear ducts? We shall see. Guess where Danyl went this week? No, not to have his tear ducts filled with cement, he attended the Premiere of Disney’s A Christmas Carol!!! He enjoyed it so much that he doesn’t want it to end. Some of us do. This week he is singing Purple Rain by Prince. NO! This was done so spectacularly well last year by Ruth, how DARE Danyl come along and pinch it. Will he be wearing a Basque, with spectacular knockers spilling out, the wind machine creating a jet stream of Latin locks and putting in the definitive X Factor performance of the decade? I cant see it myself and I’m set up to be disappointed already. Simon says tonight we have to get back to this being a singing competition (falls over laughing hysterically as I’m writing this post Sunday Night).

“New” Danyl seems to be confined to Danyl with an Ashley Cole hairdo as all the other trademarks are in place. Purple Rain doesn’t start with a Basque and a wind machine but a perspex wheel and a torrent of dry ice with a purple tinge. Oh its all so DULL. There is a shouty bit (of course), a warbly bit (naturally) and the “look at my fillings bit” (signature manoeuvre). I’ll hand it to him he was in tune pretty much throughout but it didn’t do it for me. The hallowed memory of Ruth Lorenzo’s mighty Purple Rain has not been over shadowed. Louis thinks he is talented and will be in the final. Dannii liked it but warns him not to scream so much. She loves his hair. Cheryl is very chipper – she likes his demeanour and the fact he appears to have lost his “cocky attitude”. She also loves the hair. Has Simon bribed them all with extra Smarties or something? He wasn’t that bloody good. Simon reckoned it was an “outstanding vocal”. Yes but what about The Hair Simon, that’s what we are all interested in really? Strangely, Dermot is the only one with his finger on the pulse and interviews Danyl deeply over his new “do”. There is a lot of subversive implication that with the loss of his locks, the cockiness has also been removed and so Danyl is now NICE, NOT COCKY and PLEASE VOTE for NICE NOT COCKY Danyl WITH NEW HAIR. AND NOT COCKY. Definitely not. Got that UK?

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We are back to the highlight of the evenings entertainment (well, if you are tone deaf like me anyway) as its time for those irrepressible twins. Having survived last week where they basically pranced round shouting the words to “We Will Rock You” – but in cool outfits and with a wicked set piece, this week the Nation Expects. We have long left any expectations good singing well behind obviously, but we want more cool outfits and a bigger set piece. Dreary Danyl might have sang in tune and NOT BEEN COCKY but lets face it, most of us would rather watch Jedward murder Ghostbusters with a car, real ghosts and everyfink. The twins like being called Jedward because its easy to write (that’s why I started it, when do my royalties start coming in boys?) and Louis says after the Premiere it was the twins that all the newspapers published pictures of. Simon informs us that Gordon Brown thinks they are a pile of stinking dog excrement. That Gordon eh, no time to sort out the dire financial straights of the country but plenty of spare time to gossip to Cowell about the twins and the REAL issues of the nation. Maybe if we had to phone in the votes of the election and let Simon make judgement of the Party Leaders, politics would become more user friendly? Louis has his finger on the pulse of political satire and tells us that Simon and Gordon have something in common – neither know what the country wants. Ian Hislop’s spot on I have I got news for you is looking in jeopardy this week.

Dannii is amused by the song choice. “I aint afraid of no ghost but I’m starting to get afraid of John and Edward” she grins. Amusing footage of the boys rehearsing with Brian and it all going tits up in spectacular fashion as they just leap about behind him doing whatever the hell they want rather than follow his co-ordinated Ghosbusting moves. The set is as good as we hoped – there is a life sized Ghostbusters cardboard cut out car, smoke, mist, lasers and of course Brian has swept up every discarded Halloween costume from Wembley to Warrington and there is a fine array of Ghosts to Bust. Rather than sing, Jedward have some trademark lines to say! “John save me!” shrieks Edward. “Don’t be such a baby!” shrieks John back and they prance about in jumpsuits clutching toy guns from Lidl. They remember to shout “Ghostbusters!” at two second intervals but wisely, most of the other vocals are left to the backing track. The piece da resistance is a Stay Puft man that waddles on from backstage – the face that has painted on him is one of utter horror and disbelief. I think Brian mightve been taking the piss. The overall ensemble is probably best described as Craptastic. Kind of half shit but half genius. I’m still not bored of the twins (*takes shelter under napalm proof poncho).

Dannii is lost for words and doesn’t know what to say that would be constructive. She isn’t sure what they would release on the radio. Cheryl thinks they bring fun to the (otherwise boring) show and say the kids love them. Kids and some slightly older blog writers that probably should know better. Even Simon cant be completely horrid to them tonight and admits they were “sort of good”. Ha! Louis has an ear splitting grin and says in this world of doom and gloom we need boys like this having fun. Our Louis is always partial to boys having fun eh? Dermot leaps in and asks the twins how they cope with getting a hard time every week (I should note here that the audience are booing like crazy and I want to go and slap every single one of em). Twin 1 says they just “go for it”. Twin 2 says they need votes. And really, if I were that gullible to vote, you would surely have my vote you lovely twin things.

Right tomorrow night its the Black Eyed Peas and Leona! Whooo!

Ohhh, hang on a sec, I’ve missed one….we haven’t had Joe yet! Oh dear sweet DULL Joe. I bet he loved the Disney Film Premiere? Natch. He feels like he is in a dream that he never wants to wake up from! A dream with Disney things, sparkly outfits, fabulous choreography, beautiful music and Simon Cowell. Every boys fantasy. If you are Joe anyway. Cheryl says she has chosen a “beautiful and epic song” from one of her favourite Disney films “Smack my Bitch up” from Cinderella? No, its Circle of Life from the Lion King. Louis whinges that its more famous as a musical than a film. No it isn’t Louis shut up. Simon says Joe is a “Musical Theatre” singer so it will have all kinds of gimmicks thrown at it. Hmm, thin line Si, seeing as you threw every sodding child choir at Eggnog last year for weeks in a row.

Brian has gone completely mental with the choreography and has sent on ladies with ball gowns who twirl and men in capri pants brandishing sticks. I’ve no clue as to what any of it symbolised. But its often better that way. Joe starts off a bit quiet but it all comes together. He has a lovely smile and a lovely voice and is overall quite lovely but completely dull as shit. I’ve reached for my Argos catalogue and started Xmas Shopping before he is even halfway through. Louis says they are looking for a pop star not a musical theatre star and thinks he was predictable and safe. Dannii takes him to task about that mentioning John and Edward. Heehee. She thinks Joe is the best male vocalist in the competition (evil death glare from Cowell that nearly melts her earrings) and the most likeable guy. Simon liked the performance but warns Joe to stop with the stage school swaying. And your bloke needs to stop with the stage school SHOUTING. He also swiftly points out that Joe isn’t the best singer in the competition thank you very much. Cheryl of course adores every fibre of his Geordie being. Dermot’s decided to provoke Louis and suggests that going from “Journey” to “The Lion King” makes Joe a well rounded pop star. This riles Louis up into a right old stew. “But you’re NOT A JUDGE! IM A JUDGE Dermot” he squeals, bouncing in his chair and stabbing his Biro on the desk (no doubt wishing it was Dermot’s nuts he was stabbing it into). Dermot diplomatically says that its the public who are judges which just makes Louis go redder and slightly more insane. Its a fine end to the show.

Right, that really is it isn’t it? No more contestants I’ve forgotten – Rachel really DID go last week right? OK then, back tomorrow for the results!

  Jamie Archer - Crying MP3 (1.8 MiB)
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  Danyl Johnson - Purple Rain MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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  Joe McElderry - Circle Of Life MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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  John & Edward - Ghostbusters MP3 (1.6 MiB)
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  Lloyd Daniels - Stand By Me MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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  Lucie Jones - This Is Me MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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  Olly Murs - Twist and Shout MP3 (2.1 MiB)
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  Stacey Solomon - Son Of A Preacher Man MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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Saturday 7th November 2009 X-Factor Show Review8.1108

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