Saturday 3rd October 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Judges Houses Saturday 3rd October 2009

200,000 contestants now beaten down, ritually humiliated and mocked into just 24! It was worth it though, as they are about to be flown to far flung destinations (and Ireland) via Easy Jet to beaten down, mocked and ritually humiliated one more time!
Titles.

Dermot’s perked up considerably because wet plinths in Birmingham are now just a distant memory and he has arrived in LA without a box in sight! Instead, he is perched on a craggy cliff top with the Hollywood sign in the background. Don’t spin though pet, lest we lose you down the canyon.

Airport footage of contestants wheeling cases about and muttering about Dreams, Last Chances and Doing People Proud. Dermot tells us Trucolourz have been booted out for lying about their age (does this mean Sinitta won’t be helping Simon out this year then?) and Harmony Hood have been called back to replace them.

The Over The Hills are off to Los Angeles with Si. The Girlies are off to Do Dubai With Dannii (great title for a porno?), the Boys are off to see Cheryl in Morocco (I get the impression that Barbados would have been a more popular choice here). And the Groupies….well they have Louis so surely that means Ireland by default?
The Evil Satanic Boy Twins huff they just flew in from Dublin and don’t want to go back. Much relief and joy then when its revealed on the card that the Groups are actually flying to Italy instead. That’s County Italio, a lesser know Irish province, somewhere near Craggy Island. Probably.

Everyone laugh – they put the contestants on Easy Jet! The Overs were briefly glimpsed in a Virgin Atlantic Upper Class cabin – but that was probably just for the cameras. Afterwards, no doubt they were ushered out onto Easy Jet’s budget London to LA service (where the in flight entertainment consists of ex X-Factor Contestants singing “I had a Dream” for 11 hours solid).

Louis’ pretty house in Sunny Italy is amusingly drenched in rain. Parallel shots of Dublin bathed in sunshine. I think God watches X Factor and decided to play along this year.
Louis appears on his balcony like a modern day Romeo. And who, dear viewer, will be his Juliet this year? 10p says its someone from Westlife of Boyzone. After the shock news that Ireland was dumped in favour of Italy, I thought my 10p might be in jeopardy and Lady Gaga or Will-I-am might appear, but thank heaven no. The world returns to its correct axis as wee Ronan Keating appears. The Groups pretend to be gobsmacked.

In Morocco, the boys are unceremoniously dumped out of a rusty old mini bus into the middle of town. They wander round looking at spices, people in robes, camels and anything else the cameras can pick up that shrieks “EXOTIC”. Cheryl leans wistfully against a pillar in “her house” (this is SO not her house) and says she is really excited to see them all again. But obviously not that excited, because “her boys” aren’t allowed to enter Chez Cole till the next morning.

When The Boys are finally allowed access, they wander around fingering the bushes (well at least one of them does) and generally being Suitably Impressed at Cheryl’s house (that the producers rented out for her).
And who is assisting The Nation’s Treasure today then? Well, it’s none other than the Second In Command of the National Treasury, the lovely Will Young. There is barely controlled lust I mean delight amongst The Boys. Cheryl says “It should be AMMAAAZZZINNNN”. Good to see the old clichés are still alive and well, 1500 miles from home.

In LA the Overs have fared better and have a fabulous Limo and Rodeo Drive to wander about. Then they are dropped at Simon’s latest mansion where we get a quick look at one room (I’m pretty sure this entire thing was shot at the pool house and nowhere near the “real” house at all). Simon appears in a flimsy white shirt, unbuttoned to his tummy and exposing copious amounts of man foliage. In what part of LA is this a good look for a middle aged fella then? Not to be outdone, his lovely assistant, Simon’s Best Friend Forever, Sinitta, has rolled up dressed in nothing but a smile and a plant. Actually, “plant” is a little bit of an exaggeration. Its 4 strategically placed leaves. I love this woman. Her outfits have become the X Factor series Highlight. They really need to nudge her into a bigger role so we have some Comedy Fashion Relief each week.

Simon isn’t impressed with Sinitta’s lady garden and says he “actually can’t do it”. There are sometimes no words, this thing just writes itself.

Dubai next.
The Girls are having a fabulous time swimming with dolphins, careering down water slides and soaking up the sun. Along comes Dannii to spoil it and tell them “It’s not a holiday”. Her dress reminds me of when I was a kid and would mash up all my Plasticine and it would go into mottled marbled swirly mess.
The Girls are huddled on massive rug that certainly didn’t come from Allied Carpets. It clashes alarmingly with Dan’s Plasticene dress.

Dannii wants to introduce her assistant. Its someone close to her. Spoiler – it’s not Sharon Osborne. Wow wow wow! It’s her lovely big sister Kylie! The girls shriek! Kylie arrives in an emerald green mini dress and looks effortlessly stunning. Bitch.
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Camels helpfully denote we are back in Morocco. They have found Dermot a roof with some palm trees in the background. For some reason he is dressed all in white like he is trying out for Westlife. No spins, maybe just an air grab?

Newcastle Joe is up first. The fact he is from Newcastle and on Cheryl’s team means he is through no matter how badly he screws up his song. Both Will and Cheryl looked bored already. Joe sings “Sorry seems to be the hardest word”. Its distinctly average. Cheryl whispers he has different sounds to his voice. And they pay her to say this crap.

Next is Lloyd, the youngest in the competition going all out for this year’s “Cute Blond Boy” slot. In his tight turquoise vest, talking to Derms (clad in his white, tight Westlife outfit) together they look like they are on a shoot for Gay Times. Lloyd dips his feet in one of Cheryl’s pools and ponders life. He does a shouty rendition of “I’m Yours” which is resoundingly crap, but it matters not because “OMG he is so fit innit?”. Will is worried about his age. I’m sure he can use his iphone to check Moroccan legalities regarding 16 year olds though.

Daniel is next. Co-incidentally, also clad in a Turquoise vest talking to Dermot. Do you think they were going cheap at the Marrakesh bazaar? Cheryl never liked Daniel so “he were a bit worried” (his crap grammar not mine) but “hopefully he can change her mind”. Even he doesn’t sound convinced.
He does an operatic version of “Without You”. He’d be great if Il Divo were reforming but I can’t see him doing well on Disco Week. Will likes him and tries to pimp him to Cheryl a bit. She sits there with a glazed look. Bye bye Daniel.

Ethan wasn’t good enough for American Idol, but what luck fate has guided him to the UK and the much less picky X Factor. Ethan poses in a vest the garden (as that seems to be The Law for the boys at Casa Cole) and then does an odd version of “I guess that’s why they call it the blues”. It’s actually not that bad – or am I being blinded by his cuteness? It’s difficult to tell. Will thinks exactly the same as me: “He didn’t do a great vocal but he is REALLY handsome”. Will has the X Factor totally sussed.

Duane is next and rattles on about knives and guns in North London. It’s not a life he wants for himself. He also isn’t wearing a vest. I’ve gone off Duane…less violent crime more flesh love. It works for me. Duane sings “Closer” and he isn’t half bad once he gets going. Will thinks he is a “bit pitchy”. Stop watching Idol Will and use some X Factor clichés. Like “he is potentially world class” or “you look like a little pop star”. Or something. Duane weeps with Dermot.

Last up its my least favourite contestant Rikki “Everything Of Shit” Loney. Let’s see what I can add to my list today…tartan hat of shit, waistcoat of shit and flip flops of shit. Rikki doesn’t disappoint me – EVER. He is always shit. Let’s hope his song is shit too. Naturally, it is. He does a very odd version of “You’ve got a friend” coupled with weird dancing, that is shit (of course). He grins scarily at Cheryl who looks like she might want to slap him in the gob as much as I do. Will isn’t sure about him either. *High five Will*.

Dermot’s on a roof. The sun sets. Cheryl and Will are gathered round a table in lamp light pondering The Boys. Cheryl hates this bit. The boys cry. Some more pondering. The boys sob a bit more. Will and Cheryl disagree a bit until finally it’s done. We won’t get to find out till tomorrow though. Boo.
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We are in Italy where it’s still pissing down and Louis is posing in his garden. Thankfully not in a vest.
Project A are ex-cheerleaders who decided to make a band. People don’t take them seriously because of this. Haven’t these people SEEN High School Musical for goodness sakes!!?? I don’t know how much more of a glowing endorsement they need. Once they start singing though, it’s obvious they aren’t exactly Wildcats, more Wailing Cats. Oh dear. They tell Dermot that they think you could hear the nerves in their voices. Even their nerves were off key then.

Next up are Kandy Rain, the quartet of ex strippers who wasted an entire wardrobe of skimpy leather thongs and bras to impress Simon and Louis. They have now realised their fatal error and are today dressed more modestly in leggings and T shirts. They even promise to keep their clothes on! Hooray, they finally got it sorted! Louis probes a bit about the tabloid headlines and asks if they ever met Simon at the strip club. The girls laugh nervously and say No. What kind of place does Louis think they worked at??!!!

The girls slaughter Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi. Group “experts” Louis and Ronan quite like it though. Groan. However they do admit that it will be hard to get girls to vote for them . This lot are First Out Cannon Fodder for sure if they make it.

De-Tour are up next wearing an odd combat shorts with suspenders combination. They bob about a lot and sing a song I don’t know. Ronan slags them off. I’d say this pair were a good bet to be on Louis “Definite No” pile. Which will also include Harmony Hood who obliterate “Never Can Say Goodbye”. Louis was expecting more. I wasn’t.

Miss Frank, the pick n mix reject group sing Respect. They aren’t too bad, even with the alarming foreign rap chucked in for good measure. This will get tiresome when they apply it in Big Band week mind. Louis and Ronan are impressed with their chemistry.

Finally it’s the gruesome twosome, John and Edward, flown in directly from The Village Of The Damned. John and Edward are now OFFICIALLY the two most annoying people in Great Britain, single handedly knocking Katie Price and Kerry Katona down into 3rd and 4th spot respectively. They roll about on Louis lawn and kiss his statue. Louis is probably taping them from his balcony. They want to go out with Britney and make the world have big hair. We want them to fall in the lake and have flat hair. They sing “I want it that way”. Annoyingly they aren’t as bad as Project A, De-tour or Harmony Hood were. Don’t get me wrong they weren’t GOOD, just not AS BAD. Ronan frowns and doesn’t think they have the chemistry that twins should have. He looks like he is up for pushing the twins in the lake. Louis thinks people will like them….yes but surely voting is banned in secure mental facilities isn’t it? Louis and Ronan have to pick 3. They are set amongst a thousand twinkly candles. Come on God, are you still watching? Time for an EPIC thunderstorm?
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Its back to LA where Simon leans over his balcony wearing sunglasses and flashing more chest hair.
Dermot tells Ollie that Essex must seem a long way away now. Tis true, because if Simon leaned over a balcony in Essex wearing his flouncy, open-to-the-pubes shirt and George Michael shades, someone would have lobbed a bottle of Special Brew at him and said “Oy are you a poofter or wot mate? ”

Thankfully, Sinitta has been made to change into something less horticultural although her earrings look like the SAS could use them for an assault on an Embassy.
Ollie sings – something. It’s quite pleasant although nothing “amaazzziiinnn”. Sod it, I’m turning into Cheryl. Sinitta thinks he was nervous. Simon sucks his pen and says it just shows you what nerves can do to somebody. I can tell he is quite keen on Ollie though and would almost certainly like to see more of him.

Next up its TreyC. She sings “All The Man That I Need”. Simon approves of the song choice. Haw. She has a wonderful tone to her voice and she sounds fantastic. Simon likes it and has practically sucked the ink out of his biro. He says she is really good but is missing that “star belief”.

Time for “Made it before but the dream ended because the band were just shite and I’m trying SO hard not to be bitter about Cheryl” Daniel. He of the Mohawk and Healthy Family. He witters on about needing to Provide for them much like he did at the auditions. It was lame then and still is. I’m bored with Daniel – but then I was bored with him in 2002 so nothing has changed.
Simon asks if it’s harder now? Matron! Daniel says he is going to Give It Everything and sings Praying For Time. I’m Praying For Wine. It’s all right – he is competent enough but my problem with Daniel has always been the likeability factor. He doesn’t ring my bell. And what’s with the trio of backing singers that appear to have wandered in from stage left? Does Simon keep them on standby in case he fancies a harmony? Simon likes him and says he gave a million percent. Sinitta likes all of them so far. This will be harder to pick than one of her Fashion Disasters.
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Time for Nicole. Dead Dad Nicole to give her, her full X Factor Stage Name. Dead Dad is pimped a bit more for old times’ sake. Nicole sings a song about Mountains (but not the one that has Rivers Deep). She belts it out as is her style – i.e. Very Loud Indeed. The Three Harmony Witches spring up again for background vocals. Nicole gets louder. Simon gives a worried glance to his fabulous, floor to ceiling glazed mansion as the glass begins to shake alarmingly. Sinitta and Si like it though. They want to put the first four through and there are still two more to see!

Danyl is next. Danyl sings Fallin – and the singing is OK but what’s with the leaping about like he is a Thunderbirds Puppet on E? It drives me crazy. As does the weird sneers he does mid song. I do rather like him though for pointing at Simon every time he sings the line “I’m fallin in and out of love WITH YOU” which makes Simon grin so hugely his biro nearly falls in. Work it Danyl! Simon giggles it was a bit over the top But Good and compares him to Marmite. Bitter, thick and disgusting or a rather nice snack? So difficult to decide.

Lastly its Jamie, he of the Afro. Dermot tells us Jamie is Old. Jamie still has one of Cheryl’s dresses hanging out of his jeans. Jamie agrees he is Old and the only route for him if he fails is to go back to pubs and clubs until he is Old Enough to re-audition as Token Old Person in X Factor Series 38.
Jamie does “Cryin Your Heart Out”. It’s a solid performance. If I were on the judging panel Id spew some crap about him making the song His Own. Or other rubbish. Simon likes it but isn’t sure he knows how good he can be.

Simon and Sinitta gather to deliberate. Si puts Louis’ weedy candles to shame with troughs of fire that seem to surround every flower bed, swimming pool and bush. Its lucky for Sinitta she seems to have given up with her palm leaves then.
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We are back in Dubai with Team Minogue and “its time for the girls to sing their hearts out”. Dermot’s words naturally. Kylie is excited! Dannii is excited! The girls are excited!
Essex Stacey is up first. We are reminded how common she is. A few shots of her baby. Stacey wants to make everyone happy. I feel I should be cynical and cruel at this point but I can’t. Stacey is actually quite sweet. This will never do! X Factor should be full of hateful little gobshites like Rikki and John & Edward. A few points away for wearing what appears to be a baby doll negligee but Stacey has me rooting for her. She sings “Somewhere over the rainbow”. Its pretty good and the sisters Minogue seem to agree. Dermot asks “How was it for you?” Just because she is from Essex Dermot, easy on the smut. Stacey goes a bit common again and we all love her for it.

The Other Not From Essex Stacey is next. Stacey has taken her Fake Tan into epic Carla Romano territory and looks like my fence after a session with the Ronseal. She does a very yappy version of Britney’s Sometimes. There is no tone or grace to her voice like Essex Stacey. Kylie doesn’t think she has range. I think there is only room for one Stacey in this competition and it isn’t this one.

Rachel is amazed to be there. Dermot tells her she is in a really, really hard category. Isn’t he meant o be there to comfort and nurture, not to put the wind up them even more? Rachel sings Nobody Knows. It starts off better than it ends, but none the less, its a good effort. Dannii thinks she connected with the song.

Despina is feeling the pressure and scared she going to let her family down. She sings The Voice Within which is rather uninspiring. She never seems in control of the song and looks out of her depth. Dannii admits it was a hard song to sing. Kylie says she made it look pretty easy. Dannii shoots her a look that says “HOW did you ever become more internationally famous than me?”.

Lucie From The Village is next. In case we had forgotten this, Dermot reminds us she comes from a TINY village. Thanks to all those who have contacted me to let me know that this miniscule dot in the wilderness is actually within a couple of minutes drive from the Welsh Capital City and Lucie can quite easily pop to M&S for something for tea, rather than murder a sheep on a hillside.
Lucie sings Anything For You. Its a competent performance although I do wonder how she’ll cope on Thrash Metal week. Dannii wonders if she has “pizazz”. Is that something you can catch from a Tiny Welsh Village then?

Nicole is snivelling to Dermot about family stuff. He looks as bored as we do. She is singing “Lately” but oh no! Car crash! She loses it half way through. Between my fingers I see her recover a little but its pretty horrid. Kylie says she feels like crying for her. But doesn’t. Neither does Dermot.

That’s it. The Minoguians ponder the girls and its back here tomorrow to find out who our Final 12 will be!

Saturday 3rd October 2009 X-Factor Show Review8.41021

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