Saturday 31st October 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Live Performance Show Sat 31st October 2009

Special Note: I was lucky enough to be in the audience this week so I will add a little insider info and bore you with what happened during the ads, who I met backstage, whether Cheryl beat me up in the toilets and if I got a snog from Simon.

Last Week! It was sort of Big Band Week. But sort of not. There were back flips, spangly outfits, rubbish similes, cheating judges, Westlife destroying a classic, Cheryl in a(nother) crap dress and a Shock Bottom Two. Miss Frank and Danyl fought it out in the sing off, but shouty won over rap.

This Week! The contestants mingle with screaming fans at the X Factor House and hope none of them will do “A Leona” on them. It appears Jedward’s fans are keener to kiss them than lamp them. I’m sure this will change soon enough. Prepare yourselves, because tonight its ROCK week, which if we are true to form, will probably include a couple of Barry Manilow numbers and a Disney song with some electric guitar riffs thrown in. Simon warns us it could be a complete and utter car crash. Business as usual then.

Titles!
Live From London – its Rock Week and Dermot has pimped his spin accordingly, and leaps from the stairs, his fingers doing that devil horns thing that he supposes is “cool and rock” but is really just sad and stupid. He tells us its Halloween and we should be scared.

I’ve seen the song list, so I am. Very. Louis needs to Shut Up apparently, because the rules are ANY SONG is a rock song if it’s done in rock style. If Simon can play it on Guitar Hero, then I’m guessing its IN.

Out come the judges to Simon’s favouritest song in the whole world EVER, its Kings of Leon’s Sex On Fire. I don’t see Simon singing this time though. But what I do see is Cheryl who appears to have come in a dress fashioned from some old bits of Scalextric track. Louis sex isn’t on fire that much it has to be said, but he has lost the Pound Land tie from last week, so bonus points. Dannii looks quite stylish and has chosen a dress made from fabric, rather than copy Cheryl’s idea of making one from old toys. Simon has jazzed up his outfit with a poppy which is the most exciting thing about it.

First it’s the boys and its over to “our Northern Rock” Cheryl. Is that a metaphor for something that’s clapped out and only being sustained by a reluctant public? Whatever, she introduces “her little Northern Rock” (Holy Fecking Crap) Joe McElderry. Joe is miffed that Simon should moan at him for not having Latin Flair. “How I am supposed to have Latin Flavour when I’m from South Shields?” he grumbles. Cheryl doesn’t know what “Latin Flair” even means. Oh, come ON Cheryl, you really should have got him shaking some maracas filled with coffee beans, a frilly shirt and a sombrero. THATS slam dunk Latin Flair. This week Joe is worried about being a Rocker. It’s a bloody good job it’s not Latin Rock week, otherwise it would be a double whammy of a bad week for him. Simon thinks that Rock and Joe are like a mouse and a tiger and doesn’t see how they will work together. Isn’t it a shame Simon didn’t ponder so carefully about some of his own masterful music matches he has inflicted on the charts?

Joe is singing that northern favourite, usually reserved for blokes to belt out in Newcastle United tops stretched over a Newcastle Brown Ale filled belly, in a smoky Newcastle karaoke bar its Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing. It’s not nearly as bad as it could have been either. Joe has a pretty decent voice and has obviously tried hard to sound a bit “edgier” and raw this week. Yvie the voice coach has probably been making him smoke 20 a day to add a bit of a rasp to it. It’s all going so well until Brian’s tentacles of meddling cannot resist adding a totally irrelevant pair of dancers that spin about in the background. They look as out of place as Cheryl would do in rummaging around the sale racks in Matalan.

Dannii thinks he is an absolute star. “On Paper” Louis didn’t think this was going to work. Obviously the little stick drawing of Joe clutching a guitar with a speech bubble containing the lyrics to the song that Cheryl handed out just didn’t excite him. He tells Joe “Don’t Stop Believing” because he believes he will be in the final. Along with everyone else like he did last year. Simon thinks he is consistent but ” A little bit limp and stage schooly” . Oooh come on Si you can do better – here have one on me – “like a lettuce that’s been to a dance class” . Simon HATES the dancers and thinks they are ridiculous. Me n Si are bopping on the same wavelength tonight. Chezza spits that he doesn’t appreciate Contemporary Dance. Unless it’s in his lap, then probably not, no. Cheryl starts to tell us how utterly northern and stupendous Joe is, but Simon interrupts and tells her to sit up as her Scalextric track is slipping and we are about to see a couple of new humps on the track. She does a very ungainly hoist up of her dress like she has just stumbled from a make out session from behind the bus stop. You can take the girl out of Newcastle…..

Over to Dannii for the first of the girls – its Lucie. Much drama about how Simon didn’t like her last week because she sang like an actress. Lucie was absolutely devastated at this apparently. I think Luce needs to toughen up. If Simon wanted to be really nasty, he could have said she sang like Cheryl. Simon agrees. “Its like I killed a puppy or something” he says. The puppies will only need to worry if Jedward make the final. Lucie is worried about Rock Week but Dannii assures us that Lucie has a rock chick inside her….thanks Dannii for that lesbian imagery, I’m sure it will help her in the voting. Simon says its not him she has to impress but the public.

Lucie is languishing on a sofa, apparently on the phone, singing “Sweet Child Of Mine”. Is she voting for herself already? Its a fairly good vocal performance but Lucie looks so uncomfortable on the stage that its a bit cringey in places. Her tribute to rock is defined as a catering pack of eyeliner applied with a shovel and a couple of shrieky bits in the song. For good measure Brian has added some boys with guitars perched on top of some amplifiers. Overall, Its more High School Musical than Black Sabbath gig.

The judges like it though. Louis thinks she is a versatile singer and Simon NEEDS TO APOLOGISE. Cheryl thinks she could be a bit like Avril Lavigne. That might be a valid musical argument but I just can’t take her seriously when I’m expecting a couple of tiny Ferraris to zoom round the ridiculous loops circling her booblies. Simon says last week she was boring (it was Big Band week, everyone was boring, including the guest stars) and “on paper this shouldn’t have worked”. Bloody hell, they have all been busy with the crayons this week. He now thinks she is a “relevant, teenage pop artist”. Could Lucie be Simon’s new Sinitta of the noughties? Dannii is proud and happy that she got the comments she wanted “from down that end”.

Dermot says the song is normally associated with a male vocal so she must be happy. Albeit its a male vocal that always sounded like Axl Rose had a snake in his undies, squeezing his boy bits to the max to get that ultra high pitched squeal. I don’t think Lucie had a snake in her pants but she enjoyed it anyway.

Ads. Whilst you lot at home had to watch Cheryl flog hair dye, in the studio we watched Cheryl teeter off in her high heeled boots and nearly fall flat on her mush. Nothing much to report in the first ad break. All the judges buggered off (sitting there for 10 minutes is incredibly arduous you know) and the warm up guy got someone out of the audience to sing. To be honest, I’d rather they’d bought round ice creams or hot dogs. Judges were late back and had to run to their chairs. It did tickle me immensely that Simon Cowell runs like Alan Carr. *Note to Sir Max of Clifford – do not let Si enter any Sports Relief stroke Public Running Event otherwise all your hard work will come crashing down like a house of cards.

Back to Simon who is happy to introduce the first of his THREE acts, Danyl Johnson. Drama Teacher Danyl is dramatically sad, dramatically weepy and dramatically dramatic. Someone on Twitter said he was more hated than Hitler. Someone on Twitter also said they had just shagged Elvis in the Mother ship for fecks sake – since when is Twitter the Oracle of all Truthfulness? (Unless of course its a tweet from Stephen Fry about being sad, ONLY then is it an international sodding incident). All the less important judges say Danyl hasn’t connected with the audience. “Simon is trying to force people to like him and its NOT WORKING” says an uncharacteristically perceptive Louis. Maybe this week, Simon should try dressing him as Stacey and getting him to talk without a breath for 4 minutes? That might work. Or, he could try putting in a downtrodden, heartbroken performance, designed to tweak the heart strings of the gullible, who will barely be able to dial the number to vote amid the rivers of tears that will be flowing.

Option B seems to be the flavour of the hour and Danyl puts in a sulky, out of tune, half hearted effort of Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”. The one song where his trademark shouty over singing and theatrics would actually work a treat but what does he do? Shuffles about the stage like a 5 year old in their first Nativity – he is trying to do “humble” but its coming across as a highly staged ploy for sympathy votes and is immensely irritating. Granted, NOT as irritating as Hitler but possibly usurping Kerry Katona for one night only. He stands waiting for judgement with hands shoved in his pockets and head down like he is in detention. I’m surprised Simon hasn’t put him in a T shirt that says “Vote For Poor Little Old Hard Done By Me” complete with a picture of a kitten with big eyes.

Dannii thinks he has lost his mojo. Try rummaging in Jamie’s hair, it might be there. Louis doesn’t think he should have been in the bottom two last week but “That’s Life”. Still pissed at losing Miss Frank obviously. Cheryl tells us she is feeling a bit uncomfortable – whether its Danyl’s cringe fest of a performance or the fact her boobs are about to explode from her dress any second I’m not quite sure. Danyl doesn’t do it for her anyway. The feeling is probably mutual. Simon tries to make us vote for Danyl. “When he is confident he is cocky and when he isn’t people complain” . No, I complained when he was cocky too. Dermot says he knows what its like to have bad things written about him. The internet is an evil place isn’t it Dermot, you rubbish little twerp?

ADS. Well enjoy your Poo At Pauls everyone at home, but here in the studio its a bit more exciting as Simon and Cheryl have stayed out to play this time. Well, Cheryl doesn’t do anything much except have another two trowels of makeup applied and adds another chink in the ozone layer as she is coated in a toxic swarm of hairspray, spritz and conditioner. Simon says we are the best audience EVER. I feel he might say this every week. Or it could be that it is a very pro-Danyl audience in. Some loud mouthed chav from the back is allowed to come down and kiss him and sit in his chair. She doesn’t steal his pen – I would have. And his watch if I could have got to it.

We are back with Cheryl who introduces..wait for it…”our LITTLE heart throb of the competition – Lloyd Daniels”. Last week Little Lloyd was offended Louis wanted to put him in a boy band. Pfft – Louis wants to put everyone in a boy band. Cheryl says Lloyd is THE MOST POPULAR CONTESTANT! This must mean he has no chance of being in the bottom two then eh Chez? Snigger. Louis thinks he is coasting on his looks – which is what most of his boy bands do so I wouldn’t get too aloof about this Mr Walsh. Simon says its Rock Week so its not possible for Cheryl to muck up the song choice. Alas, she has given him a girls pop song. Its Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl”. I’m actually rather excited as Yvie says they had to change the gender references, so I’m expecting an edgy, slightly controversial version of this song. Lloyd’s going to sing “He kissed a boy and thinks he liked it” WOW. I can see this being a real hit with the judges. Except not, as they haven’t changed the lyrics AT ALL and its a slightly sickly sweet, insipid version of the song sung by a weedy teen instead of a homoerotic anthem sung by a foxy rock chick.

They have stuck Lloyd on a throne that’s being spun round by two Willy Wonkas. A tribe of wild haired floozies emerge from the mist and plant kisses on Lloyd’s cheeks. Its Brian’s first chance to go a little bit insane with the choreography and he doesn’t disappoint. Unlike Lloyd who does disappoint, and doesn’t sing it very well at all. Its improved considerably when they crank the backing track up and you can’t hear him. There is a slight improvement with the vocals towards the end but the overall performance is definitely more crock than rock.

Dannii thinks it was a great performance but felt his voice was drowned out by the backing track – yes we have established that was when things got SO much better. Louis puts on his “man from the council” hat again and thinks Cheryl cheated this week giving him pop song not a rock song. Simon’s fed up with Louis thinking he’s the one who makes the rules on the show and tells him to Shut Up Bitch. Or something like that anyway. They continue to bicker and Cheryl has to break them up before they get their handbags out. Cheryl says all Lloyds face book fan girls will be voting for him tonight! *Cheryl’s shiny optimism is a source of much glee for the Fates who once again were listening in ready to piss down on her parade. Dermot’s feeling left out and randomly tells Louis to Shut Up too.

Up next its over to Dannii who introduces The Most Likeable Girl – Stacey Solomon! Last week Simon grumbled she didn’t dance – it was like she was glued to the stage the ENTIRE performance. Stacey reckons she isn’t used to performing. I think she needs a bloody great MASSIVE dose of Brian-ness to sort this out! Brian thinks so too, and we see her being dragged around the dance floor, and made to gyrate in front of big mirrors. Brian is dressed as a homage to JLS in a multi coloured menagerie of layered sweat cloth and Stacey is in a duffle coat. Which is obviously dance wear if you hail from chilly Dagenham. Brian thinks Stacey is a bit wooden and needs to loosen up. Simon’s gone all camp and shoulder shrugs a lot. “Stacey is going to have to do something quite difficult this week” he sighs “And its called move”. Sometimes, Simon can be easy to love.

Stacey’s perched atop a lot of packing boxes (whose moving out? Is it Dermot? ) and is singing another tenuous “Rock” choice that will have Louis combusting into his clipboard, its Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know”. It MUST be Rock though, because she has a vat of eyeliner on which magically makes every girl in the competition a “Rock Chick”. Her “dance routine” seems to be limited to walking about 10 steps but vocally, she pretty much nails it (and out of all the performers, Stacey’s voice “live” in the studio was the only one that filled it and had any sort of tone or depth to it that felt “special”). Louis loves her but not the song choice. Quelle Surprise then. Cheryl loved the song choice and reckoned she was “swimming” . Simon reckoned it was an “X Factor miracle” because she walked. Cor, last week nothing – this week swimming AND walking! Dannii tells us to vote for her. Dermot asks if she could breathe this week? Stacey is chuffed with herself “I breeved and I wawked!” she beams. Stacey is like a basket of fluffy kittens playing in the sunshine. Maybe in a few weeks time I’ll want to gather the kittens up in a sack and take a stroll to the lake, but for now Stacey is still just too adorable to mean about.

Ads. All the judges except Simon scurry off set. Simon stays to do a few bits to camera and has a chat with some VIPs plus gossips with Sinitta for ages (I did Tweet Snit to find out what they were gassing about but she told me off for being nosey – don’t say I didn’t TRY to find out for you though). Warm up man gets a lady up singing who bottles it, so the whole audience has to sing Wheels On The Bus. Simon looks at us as if we have lost the plot. Its a bit surreal but probably slightly more entertaining than that sodding Nintendo ad with Ant and Dec that makes me want to smash my Wii into a Dec sized pulp. The judges are late back to their chairs again – it takes two people to lever Cheryl up the step as her dress doesn’t bend. Haw.

Dermot hands over to His Highness Sir Simon Of Cowell who introduces Jamie Archer.
VT of Jamie moaning a lot about last week and everybody having Great Expectations for him this week. “Rock is what I do” says Jamie and he has go to get it right. Because Simon will look a right tit if he doesn’t. He is singing “Get Your Rocks Off” and it does what it says on the tin – its a rock performance from a rocker. Jamie is tons better live than he comes over on the telly which is a shame for him. The only problem is, being Jamie’s Thing, Rock Week is all a bit “haven’t we seen this all before?”. We haven’t seen the pole dancers and the gyrating sluts this season so far, so at least that’s a bit of variety. Brian starts to get antsy if the poles haven’t come out by Week 3.

Dannii liked his performance but would have preferred a more contemporary song. Louis thinks he is a Lenny Kravitz impersonator and “in the words of Kerrang and NME you are not a real rocker”. Holy crap that’s the oddest thing that’s come out of Louis mouth since he told the Twins they were through to the live shows. Cheryl is an uppity bitch and says X Factor hasn’t had a Rock week until Simon had a rocker in his group. Simon asks her if she thought he picked it deliberately. “Not at all” she says in a tone that implies “Yes you did you bastard”. Louis insists he visits bars (which I don’t doubt, but probably not ones that have a rock band playing, more like Priscilla, Queen of Dublin) and knows Jamie isn’t “authentic”. Simon says the others are playing “Mind Games” which makes a change from Mario Kart. Dermot talks sense for once and tells the judges that Jamie was obviously going to pick a rock song. He makes Jamie turn around and reveal a highly embarrassing silver guitar that’s been embellished on his leather coat. Reasons not to leave a glitter pen and a guitar shaped stencil lying around in Brian’s dressing room.

Ads. All the judges disappear this time, although Louis spends some time whispering to the warm up man and has to get so close to him it looks like they are snogging which is highly amusing. Dermot thought so too. Once Louis has put down the warm up man, he points out some of the celebs in the audience – well I say celebs, more like who they could gather up from the pub nearby that might have been on the telly once or twice. Jason Manford is there, as is Joss Stone and Gordon Smart from The Sun. Its not exactly Brad and Ange is it? I suppose the REAL celebs only show up when the proper singers are on, on Sundays. He grabs Brian Friedman as he is walking back to his seat and I clap and cheer profusely as Brian provides me with so many of my favourite X Factor “What the Feck” moments. Yvie is doing a photo shoot for one of the Scottish papers and is languishing like a tart in Simon’s chair. The usual big scramble to the judges seats as the show starts again.

Dermot reckons we are all loving Rock Week then over to Dannii to introduce Rachel. Rachel got through last week by singing an up-tempo song and pretending to be Stacey. This week she is singing a ballad and is pretending to be Danyl as she is a bit whingy. She hopes she can escape the Bottom Two again this week. She is singing U2’s One. Its a bit of a dreary song choice in my opinion.

Her dress isn’t dreary though – its a Kandy Rain -esque slut fest of fluorescent shiny leopard skin. I’m sure Cheryl will loathe it. Her vocals are pretty decent but there is no stage presence from Rachel. I’m being very Paula Abdul and finding her dress more interesting than her performance which is never a good sign.

OH! Louis says he didn’t think it was a good idea “On Paper”!!! Right, who DID bring in the Giant Crayola Tub this week then? But he thinks it was the most emotional performance of the night. Cheryl thinks it was a clever song choice and thought she delivered. Simon takes issue with Dannii trying to turn Rachel into her “with the hair and the dress”. Dannii says she tried to get her hair like Simon’s but there wasn’t enough hairspray. Ha! Simon chuckles but will probably warn her off of taking the piss out of his hair after the show and move her even further away from him. Next week Dannii will probably be giving her critique from about 7 rows back in the audience. He thought Rachel was a bit “cabaret” but Dannii thinks it was Amazing. Dermot likes the fact everyone is beating up on Simon tonight. Simon looks at him as if he is going to send someone to beat up Dermot. Its a shame Simon can’t see me volunteering for the job from my seat.

Over to the “leather clad rock god that is Louis Walsh”. Did Dermot’s contact lens fall out? Louis gleefully introduces The Twins. Everyone boos except me and Sinitta. Last week they banged and “didn’t expect to be that good”. God love em. They don’t think they will ever please Simon. Not on stage anyway. Louis says the public love them and to prove it we are shown footage of the X Factor House being mobbed by screaming fans. Brian thinks its going to be tragic! This means its going to be jaw droopingly good. Simon thinks they are worse than a nightmare and reckons Louis’ luck is going to run out tonight. John and Edward think its John and Edwards night. Tonight, Louis is going to show us they are the act that can win the show. Well, that is about as likely as a Gary Glitter Week, but I shall enjoy them whilst they are here.

Tonight they are singing Queen’s We Will Rock You in the style of Five in the style of completely rubbish (but also awesomely brilliant). They are hideously out of tune but so was Danyl. They get cool motorcycles, rings of fire and stage dives. They forget a few words and are rubbish at the dancing but who cares because there are cool motorcycles, rings of fire and stage dives. What’s not to like? Dannii says its Halloween and they were quite scary. She looks forward to seeing them but isn’t sure she would look forward to hearing them on the radio. Cheryl is lost for words but thought they dressed for Halloween. Do I hear Cop Out anyone?

Simon moans they were out of tune and thinks they have ruined Queens career forever. Hmmm, I think another event might have scuppered that some years ago Si. Louis tells us they are energetic and exciting which is what the music business is all about. Yes, singing is vastly over rated isn’t it Louis? You tell em.

Ads. The least exciting break of them all. Sponsors “Talk Talk” have put up a laptop to give away to someone in the audience. Its suspiciously given to someone in the VIP seats. Probably the CEO of Talk Talk. I’m screaming FIX – can I call OFCOM? Judges get a dab of makeup. Except Cheryl who needs a full slap reapplication and a dress readjustment. We are told to marvel at how hot Simon’s make up girl is and that she is reapplying his “Tangerine Dream” shade of blusher. You must have only got the shorter Ant and Dec Nintendo ad this time, because we are quickly back Live!

Dermot says unconvincingly that Rock week is “Sadly” nearly over. Even Simon notices the insincerity – “Did you say Sadly Dermot? he asks with a slither of sarcasm. I feel Jedward are ever slowly edging their Twin Sized boots into Dermot’s job don’t you? Simon introduces Olly and hopes we are going back into a singing competition again. Rather than a staged entertainment show?? OK then.
Simon has given Olly one of his “favourite songs” which strikes a cold iron in my heart. Its unlikely to be Nirvana or Green Day is it? No, its that contemporary rock band, The Beatles and the song is “Come Together”. There is a big Perspex box and writhing girls.

Vocally, its a fairly decent effort, although my ears are still attuned to the twins so he may not have been as good as I remember. There is a cringe worthy ending where Olly rips open his shirt which is rather desperate and unessacary. I wonder if it was Brian’s idea or Simon’s? It has elements of both of their evil meddlesomeness doesn’t it?

Dannii likes him but not his hair. Louis still thinks he is a dark horse and will be in the Final 3. Cheryl think his shirt rip off “worked”. It SO didn’t. Simon loves him lots and lots. Dermot worries that Simon is turning Olly into a kind of Simon “mini me” with the open shirt and the “girls”. Haw. Even Simon laughs. Dermot then calls Olly “Prime Essex Meat”. Holy CRAP. Olly thanks the crowd coz we have been BRILLIANT. Yes, a classy mob we were that night.

And that’s it. Back tomorrow for the results.
*After the main show, the judges went up to Holly’s little Perspex box for the Xtra Factor. Holly came amongst us and interviewed Danyl’s mum – the one that had come “All The Way From Kent” . I think she looked jet lagged personally. She also interviews some of Lucie’s family – and I will add the ENTIRE Tiny Village must have been there as Team Lucie had about 30 allocated seats. It must be rich pickings for burglars in Sheepville on The Wold on Saturday nights. We stay in our seats whilst the judges interviews were done and they took some calls. I can report that Cheryl’s dress was equally hideous from the back.

I’m sorry to report that I didn’t encounter Chezza in the toilets so didn’t get to practise my Jujitsu. Although the toilets were a hotbed of action. One of our little group had a wee with Danyl! He wasn’t crying either. How fecking marvellous. On a little trip I made backstage, I ran into Jamie (not in the ladies loos I hasten to add) who was lovely and nice. And no, I didn’t stumble across Simon having a ciggie break and neither did I get a snog or a chance to lift the keys for his Bugatti from his pocket. Sigh. Maybe next year.

*This week’s blog is dedicated to Gerard whose kindness meant I could attend this show. Many, many thanks!*

  Danyl Johnson - I Dont Want To Miss A Thing Mp3 (2.1 MiB)
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  Jamie Archer - Rocks Mp3 (2.3 MiB)
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  John & Edward - We Will Rock You MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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  Joseph McElderry - Don't Stop Believin MP3 (2.2 MiB)
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  Lloyd Daniels - I Kissed A Girl MP3 (2.2 MiB)
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  Lucie Jones - Sweet Child o' Mine MP3 (2.1 MiB)
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  Olly Murs - Come Together MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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  Rachel Adedeji - One MP3 (2.1 MiB)
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  Stacey Solomon - Somewhere Only We Know MP3 (2.3 MiB)
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Saturday 31st October 2009 X-Factor Show Review7.91017

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