Saturday 28th November 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Live Show Saturday 28th November 2009

Last week! John and Edward’s dream came crashing down taking with it the last vestibules of fun and excitement this competition had left. Things are now getting SERIOUS which will mean one hour and forty five freaking minutes of badly arranged, creaky ballads. The only sniff of light relief is likely to come from Cheryl’s comedy dress, Simon’s shit metaphors or Louis’ badly botched plastic surgery.

Out of 200,000 that applied only 5 are left standing! And these 5 monoliths of Undiscovered Talent consist of weedy little Lloyd who continues to linger like particularly stubborn stain. Shouty, overblown Danyl, whose attempts to suppress his natural diva like behaviour and appear HUMBLE and LIKEABLE fail with every shot of his enormous gob. Which always seems formed into that weird twisty smile that doesn’t quite hide the fact he truly believes he is immensely awesome. There’s Bendy Olly, who squeezes himself into ever smaller trousers each passing week in the hope this will be enough to mask his not quite up to scratch vocals. Dagenham Stace, our Costcutter Leona and Geordie Joe, X Factor’s own Baby John Barrowman can just about hold a tune, but are they really the next musical ambassadors of our nation? Somehow, I don’t for see any of this lot festooned with Grammy’s – more likely their only accolades will be a shiny key to switch on the Xmas lights in Rhyll or a sash declaring them “Pontin’s Karaoke Champion 2010″.

Judges pimp their acts. Simon GUARANTEES both his acts will be in the final. There will probably be Syco employees nationwide speed dialling Danyl & Olly’s number.

And Titles.

Welcome Dermot in a very scary light grey pinstriped suit that make him resemble a member of the Camp Mafia. A twirl of Quarter Final proportions and depressing news that its Two Songs each tonight. Its Take That and Elton John night! *Sobs gently at what wonders Jedward could have done with “It Only Takes A Minute” or “Step Into Christmas”. Choirs! Scaffolding! Abseiling! An inappropriate incestuous rap! A Rainforest’s worth of ticker tape and fireworks that would make those at the dawn of the new Millennia appear shoddy. *Gigantic Sniff of Disappointment*.

Dermot inexplicably drops to his knees, screws up his words and says “We are all humble subjects of the X Factor judges”. Does Simon make him do this in his dressing room do you think? I’m certain of it. Right, judges, what fashion faux pax’s do you have for us this week? They had better be good ones, as with Jedward gone, it’s probably going to be the highlight of the show. Louis has dug out the silver tie again. Dannii has on an old sheet fashioned with lots of slits, Simon has on his one, vile 1970’s black funeral tie. It’s up to Cheryl to save the day then. It appears she has come as the Quality Street Toffee Finger that had a bust up with a Liquorice Allsort. It’s a strange fusion of shiny gold foil and black bits. It does make me titter and momentarily forget I will be robbed of a Jedward extravaganza tonight.

A Medley of Take That videos with all footage of Robbie carefully edited out. And to Simon to introduce Danyl who is, apparently, doing something completely different. Singing in tune? Not shouting? Trying something other than wailing from the upper reaches of his nasal passages? Or without the smug look on his mush that makes me want to pummel him into silence with a rock? We can only hope. Danyl twitters sweetly how great it is to have a number one single for SUCH A GREAT CAUSE. But then goes a bit wanky and says how much better it would be to have number one single BY MYSELF. Ooh, epic humbleness FAILURE.

Cheryl ponders whether DANCE TEACHER Danyl is capable of doing Brian’s complicated routine in the “judges must fake concern” slot. Are you pretending to be thick Cheryl, or is it a natural attribute?

Danyl is doing “Relight My Fire” although it takes me a few seconds to realise that’s what it is, because the first few lines are sung without any hint of a tune so it’s somewhat hard to decipher. Brian helps immensely, with reams of epic “fiery” imagery. The dancers are all clad in yards of shiny gold spandex and every time Danyl shrieks FIRE – a huge plume of flame is released from various points round the stage. I’m not sure why the choreography was deemed to be such a worry as all Danyl seems to do is march up the ever reliable perpex steps a few times and swing his hips once in a while. The vocals are signature Danyl and are not “completely different” but “completely the same as always” i.e. shit. Shouty, flat and nasally. But to make up for it, Danyl claps the backing singers in mighty fine show of pure humbleness at the end.

Louis thinks he “deserves to be here”. Dannii has suddenly turned into Randy Jackson and says he was “a bit pitchy” but leaves off the “dawg” bit. I think she could adapt it a bit and say “bit pitchy dingo” . Or something. And she thought his dancing was shit too. Go Miss Minogue! Cheryl thought it was “as Camp as Christmas but in a really fantastic way”. She also says she knows how hard it is to sing and dance at the same time. Well, to be fair, Chez, you know how to MIME and dance lovey, don’t you? Simon thought he was perfect and is the sort of artist that can handle anything that is thrown at him. Here Danyl try this grenade – catch.

Over to Cheryl and her “little Lloyd Daniels”. Lloyd is like a boy sized Welsh barnacle, clinging to his place in the competition with every fibre of his wispy blond hair. Lloyd muses wistfully that not being able to sing makes him “different – and I like that”. Honestly, you couldn’t make this up. Yvie worries his voice will be exposed as he is murdering I mean singing a ballad. To be honest, Lloyd gave up worrying about his singing somewhere around Big Band Week and wisely now concentrates on hair styling instead. Its kept him in so far.

Lloyd starts off perched on some steps (which, to be fair, will be superb practise for when he is busking at Cardiff Station next week) and crooning “A Million Love Songs” . Oddly, even though its twenty kinds of terrible, I don’t find it nearly as grating as Danyl’s effort. Some of it (granted not much) has a reasonable tone. For the truly awful bits, the backing singers ramp it up a notch to drown him out, so overall it’s not quite as painful as Id envisaged.

Louis says “Obviously some people like you more than I do” because he isn’t allowed to say “You were absolutely fecking crap and I hate you for being here when my beautiful twins are NOT”. But I know that’s what he meant. Dannii tells him not to complicate his melodies. If he could find one, I’m sure he’ll take that onboard. Simon wants to see “A bit more fire in your eyes”. I want to see a bit more musical ability in the final 5, but ho hum. Dermot engages in some idle chatter with Simon but the audience heckle and bay loudly. Someone calls Simon a tosser. I think they were taken out the back and shot.

Ads! And to those who are mourning a song and dance routine of Jedwardian proportions will be glad to see the Iceland Christmas Extravaganza advert where some Nolan’s and Jason Donavan serenade trays of duck spring rolls and a prawn ring. Suddenly I feel whole again.

Back to Simon who introduces Olly Murs. The third bastion of the Greatest Undiscovered Talent Of The Nation. Last week Olly was in the Bottom Two and the realisation that his dream of being a Pop Star could be snatched away made him emotional and teary. He began clutching random people back stage to sob into their shirts. This week Simon is giving Olly one of his “favourite Take That songs – although it’s not a popular one” which sounds suspiciously like a bit of a frame up to me. Brian, from beneath his Jedi Master-esque hoody, says solemnly he is giving Olly a “stripped back performance”. Translation – Simon has used up all of his Brian Credits on Danyl’s Fiery Cecil B Demille Production number and all that’s left in the kitty for Olly is a few puffs of dry ice and a spotlight.

Olly is singing “Love Aint Here Anymore” and pass me an industrial sized bucket to chunder in, because he starts off perched on the stage wooing some “chick” (copyright S. Cowell 1975) in the audience. There hasn’t been this much cheese on my telly since Ainsley made Cheddar fondue, with sprinkles of Stilton, a crumble of Wensleydale and a Double Gloucester garnish. Its unbelievably horrid. I have to watch from behind my cushion that’s usually reserved for Dermot’s links just in case he shimmies back to her and gyrates on her breasts. The performance has now been tainted. He could sing with the voice of a thousand angels, but I still couldn’t clear my mind of that horrific start.

Louis says “All the girls want to marry you” . Roll eyes. We don’t. Dannii thinks the sparkle wasn’t quite in his eyes. But that just could have been because there were no dancers clad in shiny outfits to reflect off of his pupils. Cheryl enjoyed seeing him “stripped bare” and says it was nice to hear him sing. She doesn’t mention the shudderful serenade. Simon does though, gleefully lusting after the poor cow that Olly crooned to, capitalising in on a moment to shrug off “camp bloke” and play “sex pest”. He thinks Olly did a great job and didn’t think the song needed a sparkle. Simon adds, after last week’s disappointment he didn’t SULK or COMPLAIN but just got on with it. Which leaves me to conclude decisively that another member of Team Cowell did indeed SULK and COMPLAIN and lost their cloak of humbleness as soon as the cameras stopped rolling. Dermot goes squeaky and silly over the girl in the audience who probably wishes she had stayed at home and watched Merlin.

Over to Cheryl and her little “Geordie Joe” . Joe has decided he want to do this every day for the rest of his LIFE. Which is unfortunate, because there are only 3 weeks left now. Yvie is struggling to get Joe to reach the high notes and says he is flat. It was never this complicated with Jedward was it? Just a surreptitious slide upwards of the volume controls on the backing singers microphones and it was job done. Simon grumbles it’s an “obvious song choice” and says he wouldn’t have done it. Because plucking something obscure from a cult film is just SO MUCH better isn’t it?

Joe is singing “Could It Be Magic”. Behind him, a tableaux of dancers are poised in a giant picture frame. They start writhing when the music starts. It’s like the best magic eye picture EVER. Joe sings sweetly and dazzles us with his smile. It all so nice. Nan’s countrywide are probably hyperventilating with lust. The rest of us have got out a Sudoku puzzle or are playing Super Mario on our Nintendo DS like Ant & Dec have taught us because it’s all so coma inducing. Joe would be better off as the dull one in a boy band that can sing. Gary Barlow in other words. Whilst the rest of the band get addicted to illegal substances, have their bodies adorned in large tasteless tattoos and conduct lewd affairs with Peaches Geldof, Joe will still be relied upon to be The Sensible One and keep things together.

Louis, who surprisingly hasn’t got out the Giant Book Of Rules out and whinging that it’s a “Barry Manilow song” says he loved it. He thinks Brian’s dancers looked like Girls Aloud. For next year, Louis might want to pop to Specsavers. Dannii said he absolutely smashed it. Simon gushes about everything including Brian and the dancers. Cheryl thinks he was flawless. Dermot squeaks and Joe beams. He is going to win isn’t he? 4 frigging months on the hunt for a megastar and we are going to end up with Bland Mcblanderry as our winner. Does eBay sell shotguns? The will to live has evaporated.

Ads. Not even Colleen Nolan dancing with a toffee cheesecake can put a smile on my face.

Dannii introduces “The beautiful Stacey Solomon” . In a verbal two fingered salute to Team Newcastle, Dannii says Stacey is the BEST SINGER left in the competition. Stacey worries over her song choice. “It was written for four men – and then there’s me!” she squeals. I hope Stacey wins because seeing her spout her Essex-ism’s on everything from GMTV to The One Show via This Morning and Sky News has to be more entertaining than Joe beaming and saying “I can’t believe it” for 10 days solid after the final. By which time the public will have bored with him and hopefully he’ll be playing the lead in Joseph or something. Yvie and Stacey practise high notes and procrastinate. Dannii tells us she isn’t just going to be good, she is going to be OUTSTANDING. High hopes then, for Dagenham Stace.

It’s a shaky start. Stacey is perched on a line of tables, dressed in a mini dress coated with chocolate coins and wobbles a bit on her intro to “Rule The World”. It improves muchly after the chorus kicks in and she navigates her way along the narrow tables to a more stable plinth. It’s a shame it’s ANOTHER ballad though- I think she needs the chance to show a bit of range.

Louis thought it was a challenging song but she did it for him! Wonders will never cease! Cheryl thinks it’s hard to sing a man’s song and orders her, as the last girl to “represent”. Whatever that means. Simon thought it was better than last week but soon gets bored with any serious critique and decides to congratulate Robbie William’s on his engagement with a deep and evil chuckle. By then we ALL had gotten the email from Heat Magazine saying it was a big fat LIE and The Robster still remains the perpetual bachelor so I’m not sure what shit Simon was stirring there. Dannii is obviously peeved at the diversion and drags it back to Stacey. She says she has grown more than we can know over the last few weeks and has lots of support. Dermot does a rather good Stacey impression and Stacey does one back.

You can now VOTE and we are switching into Elton John mode. After they make us sit through the Take That performances again. Christ on a bike. Time to defrost the prawn ring so I can sing to it.

Ads.

Dermot’s on another failed mission to extract a fair assessment of the best acts from the judges. Simon refuses to play and when pressed simply says his own acts, as does Cheryl, then Dannii. Louis the “only impartial one” goes with Joe.

A Montage O’Elton which consists of at least 34 pairs of comedy spectacles and 27 comedy hair do’s.

Cheryl introduces “Lovely Lloyd”. She has picked a “tough song” but “isn’t worried”. I would be. Lloyd’s after a Child Bravery Award, as he is scared of heights and Brian is making a clutch of dancers lift him 4 feet off the ground! Shove off child with a hideous disease, because Lloyd Daniels hereby claims the crown for the bravest creature in Britain. Louis and Simon mock him and Cheryl says tonight he will prove he deserves his place in the semi final. Or not.

Oh Cheryl has given him “I’m Still Standing”! What marvellous irony! He is dressed as a Lion Tamer with a cane. There is a fleet of twirly dancers but sadly no lion. The vocals are insanely awful this time round. Lloyd survives his “lift” without succumbing to an attack of vertigo. Hark! I think I hear Princess Anne & Lorraine Kelly bustling in the wings clutching a Pride Of Britain Award.

Louis thought he was crap and a bit karaoke. He says he is “Just about Still Standing”. Cheryl snipes back that he hasn’t got anyone Still Standing. Which is quite sharp for Chezza. Dannii thought the dancers were fab. Lloyd not so much. Simon thought it was a rubbish song choice and the performance reminded him of an Amateur Dramatics production. i.e. Shit. Cheryl hopes Wales gets behind him and keeps him in. Me too. Simply because I’d love to see the look on Smug Danyl’s gob if he went out instead.

Dermot says its over to a man much like Elton himself Mr Simon Cowell. Oooh Dermot you’ll be in for a smacked bum for that one! Simon mutters about Dermot’s crap scripts. FINALLY he notices! It’s time for Danyl again. Were there fisty cuffs this week because Danyl wanted to sing Daniel? I bet there were. Shots of Yvie getting cross with him because he is FLAT.

Danyl is singing “Your Song” (the Humble Version in B Flat). He completely loses the tune and the melody and throws in a bit of shouting. Honestly, I just don’t get it. Then, to add to my misery, a child choir is wheeled on. Didn’t I suggest this a few weeks ago? Are they holding fluffy creatures? Ooh its horrid and I want to gouge my eyes out with rusty spoons. Simon insists on a bloody standing ovation and this time yanks Cheryl up with him. She does sit down after 2 seconds though – ha!

Louis thought he made the song his own but didn’t like the choir. Dannii thought this was much better than the first song to which he replies “Thanks babe”. Eww. Reason number 892 to loathe Danyl. Cheryl thought he looked “cool and comfortable”. Simon has a bust up with Louis about the choir and says he is “A dark cloud that blots out the sunshine”. Haw. Danyl is Humble about the Children as we knew he would be.

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Back with Simon who gets involved with some inane feckery with Louis before reintroducing Olly. We are promised an “up-tempo, rocky number” and Simon sneers “Its the ONLY butch Elton John song” followed by a campy little shrug. Its “Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting” and the master of understated subtlety, Brian, has decked the stage out as a BOXING RING! With ropes and girls..er sorry, CHICKS in bikinis carrying signs that say “Round 1″ and stuff. Vocally, its a vast improvement on the Take That cheese fest, although the backing vocals are undeniably there as a crafty aid to mask over some of the duffer notes. Overall its not as hideous as it could have been.

Louis liked his “funny dancing” but thought there was something missing. I think that’s called Star Quality Louis. Dannii thought he was a “Knockout” and “A smash”. Cheryl doesn’t know how he concentrated with “all the sexy girls around ya”. Because had it been Ashley, he’d have ditched the mic and started shagging one against the ropes. Simon said he added “sumfink” to his performance and was really happy with it. Dermot says Olly looks a bit excited so drapes a silky robe over him and reaches a whole new level of squeakiness which makes the Dermot Cringe-O-Meter of TV Presenting practically implode.

Dermot says they are going to let Louis introduce the next act as he hasn’t got any of his acts left. But then don’t. This bloody show is long enough without all of this inane padding. Just GET ON WITH IT. Cheryl says its Joe again. He is singing the same song he sang at the Judges Houses which Simon thinks is SAFE because THERE ARE OTHER ELTON JOHN SONGS. But obviously no butch ones left. Joe promises to give it his “absolute everything”. Which will mean a huge beaming smile and a theatrical performance.

Joe is singing “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word” and there is so no huge shift in his approach. There are no dancers, pyrotechnics or fancy schmancy lasers. Its just Joe singing (theatrically, with a beaming smile) and its all quite lovely if you enjoy this Val Doonican sort of stuff. If I was bolted into my Stannah going up to bed, I imagine it would be playing on my radiogram in the distance.

Louis says he likes everything about him and that he was born to do this. Dannii says he was exceptional and has to see him in the final. Simon reminds us that he doesn’t spend all year languishing in judging chairs but runs a record label as well. This appears to have no relevance whatsoever to Joe’s singing. He thinks it was his best ever performance and was “gobsmacked”. Cheryl says he makes her proud to be a Geordie and prays everyone keeps him in. I think Joe has securely harnessed the lusty granny vote as well as most of the voting demographic north of Essex. Unless Cheryl gives him something by Napalm Death next week or he decides to get Osama Bin Laden tattooed on his arse, Joe is dead cert for the final. No doubt Simon has already got Cliff Richard on the blower lined up for a Joe / Cliff duet of Mistletoe and Wine for Final Sunday. The Samaritans will have a sudden rush that night. I wonder if you can pre-book a call back?

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Dannii tells us she has saved the best till last and its back with Stacey. Stacey is flapping because she is being made to sing lying down and she can’t breathe. Another Brian triumph. Simon worries she is turning into a bit of a wedding singer. I wonder if Robbie might be interested? Oh, no that’s all off isn’t it?

Rather bizarrely, Stacey is in a red frock, laying atop a furry rug, which is lain on piano, which, in turn is revolving. She’s like a pizza in a microwave. The song is “Something About The Way You Look Tonight” – another ballad for Stacey. Crocodile Rock would have been much better. Its not a bad vocal but it would have been nice to see something different.

Louis thinks she deserves to be there but wasn’t crazy about the song choice. Although he can’t find anything in the Rule Book to dismiss it. Cheryl says she thought she looked uncomfortable. Simon helpfully cuts in and says you would be if you were laying on top of a piano. There sounds like there might be an interesting Elton / Simon story there somewhere. Simon says she isn’t as good as Leona or Alexandra. Stacey’s face crumples. Simon! Its like you kicked a kitten. He reckons her first song was better and suited her tone more. Dannii loved it and doesn’t know what Simon was listening to. Kings Of Leon on his iPod if he had any sense. Dermot stands back whilst Stacey giggles about Wedding Singers and Sheepskin rugs.

And that’s it. Back tomorrow with Rihanna and Alicia Keys.

  Danyl Johnson – Relight My Fire MP3 (2.4 MiB)
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  Danyl Johnson – Your Song MP3 (2.2 MiB)
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  Joe McElderry – Could It Be Magic MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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  Joe McElderry – Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word MP3 (1.8 MiB)
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  Lloyd Daniels – I’m Still Standing MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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  Lloyd Daniels – Million Love Songs MP3 (2.1 MiB)
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  Olly Murs – Love Ain’t Here Anymore MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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  Olly Murs – Saturday Nights Alright For Fighting MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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  Stacey Solomon – Rule The World MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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  Stacey Solomon – Something Abut The Way You Look Tonight MP3 (2.1 MiB)
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Saturday 28th November 2009 X-Factor Show Review6.11011

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