Saturday 24th October 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Live Performance Show Sat October 24th

Last week! Rikki and his Eyebrow finally plucked off, causing Little Miss National Treasure to implode with rage and render an epic split in her designer bloomers.

Tonight! Its Big Band Night. Usually something I dread more than the extended Christmas Edition of East Enders (two hours of festive gloom culminating in a perennial death in the fake snow) but this year we have Jedward with an added portion of Brian Friedman which can only end up in a fusion of true wonderment.

Louis is back to “sort things out” like he is the X Factor equivalent of Barack Obama, Simon doesn’t intend to lose one of his acts and Cheryl “can’t bear the smugness any longer”. Cheryl needs to be taken out for her lesson in irony later. She may get a discount if taken in conjunction with “How Not to be a Sore Loser”.

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Dermot comes out to some very dodgy “dancing like your dad” moves as the band play some James Bond music. It must be a special night, as his suit looks like it fits for once. My suit joy is immediately spoilt by one of his chuffing spins. I thought they were confined to rain sodden plinths in our provincial towns and the Live Shows were simply too polished an affair to stoop to such lowly, cheap gimmicks. But obviously not. Dermot tells us to “Think Vegas, Think Sinatra, Think swing”. All I can think is Jedward singing “New York New York” abseiled in from a cardboard skyscraper, flanked by dancers dressed as NYPD and culminating in a snowstorm of glittery ticker tape, pyrotechnics and a projection of the twins on a mock up Statue of Liberty. Oh gawd I think I need to change my Tena lady already.

Dermot says the contestants have to “sing live” . You are only cut a break on that if you are a Singing Judge or a Drug Addled Guest Star. And there is a 35 piece orchestra! 36 if you include all the wind that’s coming out of Dermot’s gob.

It’s time for the “rattiest, cattiest” pack of them all – lets meet the judges everyone! To the theme tune of “Rocky” out they shuffle in their high heels (only Louis is in sensible flats) and ridiculous garb. Danni seems to have fashioned a frock from scouring pads. Louis has a rather tasteful suit, spectacularly ruined by silver tie that looks like it came from the bargain bin at Pound land. Simon and Cheryl are going for the “Bride & Groom” look – Max Clifford’s idea of sending out some subliminal messages no doubt. Cheryl’s Stripper Barbie outfit from last week has been replaced with a more tasteful flowing, dare I say DEMURE gown, spoilt only by the naff tiara she picked up in the “Make me a Princess” section of the Disney Store. Inexplicably, Chezza cops a feel of Simon’s bum before she makes her way to her seat. A veiled threat to Ashley or on orders from Sir Max? I fear we shall never know.

Onwards, where they gloss over Louis absence on previous weeks because Death has no place on the X Factor. Unless it’s in the context of murdering one of your favourite songs, which tends to happen with alarming frequency. First up we go to “Mr Hollywood” *Spoiler, it’s not Louis* who introduces Olly Murs.

Its “Family” week on the Contestants VT so expect acres of yawn worthy footage of families telling us how much their offspring “really want this” or “it’s their dream”. Just for once it would be ace to find a bitter cousin who tells us they are “obnoxious stage school brats who have annoyed us with their crap singing at every family party since they were 4″. *Added to my list of “X Factor Scenes we’d like to see”. The best Olly’s family can do is tell us he sodded off to the X Factor house owing them rent, which isn’t bad. Better than any “dream” shit anyway.

Olly meets this week’s mentor, master of the bland easy listening compilation that your mum always drags out at Christmas, its Michael Buble. He thinks Olly is good looking but isn’t sure about the song. Oh that’s alright then, because on this show, good looking can always trump a poor song choice, or even rubbish singing. Cheryl thinks he will be out of his comfort zone but Simon thinks it’s right up his street and “he will be as safe as houses” no doubt plotting already to stick Olly in another pair of infeasibly tight ball hugging trousers to ensure maximum voting potential. Dannii thinks Simon is “so smug” and thinks his luck is going to run out tonight. I wouldn’t underestimate the power of the Tight Britches Dannii. Colin Firth has dined out on that for over a decade.

Olly is singing “Bewitched” and it’s a huge let down on several levels. One, the trousers are not nearly as tight as they could have been, two, it’s so cheesy I’ve a sudden urge for crackers and wine and three, the choreography is far too subdued. Two floozies leaping about in witches hats and a ragged short black dress is simply NOT the extravaganza I was expecting. There was HUGE potential here for a posse of black lycra clad cats, broomsticks, cauldrons ejecting fireworks and green lasers creating an eerie glow. Is Brian ill?

Louis thinks he is the “dark horse” of the competition. Sorry Louis, whilst you were away, Simon already filled that stereotype with Joe last week. He thinks Olly is the “boy next door” and “will be here a long time”. Louis does have the tendency to be the X Factor equivalent of Murray Walker so Olly will probably be gone tomorrow. Dannii loved it and Cheryl thinks he will get “better and better”. Simon knows what it’s like to work with “two witches” with a gleeful glance to his right. He corrects The Witches and says he isn’t smug but Brilliant. Or words to that effect.

Olly channels a bit of Stacey and says “Fanks” a lot. Dermot can’t resist looking down for a tightness check at his trousers but cancels it out with some manly back slaps.

Did Dermot REALLY say “See you laters alligators”? Feck, he DID. Paging Mr Seacrest, Mr Seacrest please make your way to the stage IMMEDIATELY.

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Well, Dermot HAS been removed from the stage -one can only pray its permanent, and he is up in the back rows amongst the baying mob. Over to Cheryl who introduces her “Little Lloyd Daniels” . Rage fills my heart because he isn’t “hers” and neither is he “little”. We are reminded Lloyd is “Only 16″ . Therefore cannot possibly be expected to sing anything in tune. Michael Buble tells him he is “two times older than you” which results in a look of horror from Lloyd, whose musical heroes are most likely Pixie Lott or Little Boots not OLD MEN like Buble. Although the canny Bub tells him “just smile and have a great time”. Yep, forget about the singing, you are a lost cause. Simon hopes Cheryl doesn’t do something obvious and give him Fly Me To The Moon. Naturally, Cheryl does something obvious and gives him Fly Me To The Moon.

Lloyd “sings” the whole thing in a rather dreary flat monotone. Just when I’m beginning to nod off and my head lolls into my bag of Doritos, right out of nowhere Lloyd does a back flip! Has he decided that this singing lark isn’t for him and decided to try out for London 2012 as a gymnast? I am slightly impressed though – a back flip in the middle of a sombre, tedious rendition of a swing tune -how marvellously INSANE! Methinks Brian must have had his meddlesome fingers in this pie of randomness somewhere.

Louis says if he was putting together a boy band he’d put Lloyd in it. Coincidently, Louis may well know of a boy band with a vacancy. Fate can sometimes weave a mysterious web cant it? Louis didn’t like the back flip but Dannii disagrees! “Total Entertainment” she says. Simon thought there were “tiny moments” when he was very good. Pass me your microscope Si, I must have missed them. Simon didn’t like the back flip either. “You don’t eat a sandwich whilst swimming” he sagely advises. Confucius has nothing on Simon once he gets going. Cheryl loved him of course. The back flip was a bit of fun to show how youthful he is apparently. Couldn’t the same effect have been achieved with a slightly more upbeat song choice and a decent dance routine?

Dermot tells the judges to “cut him some slack” causing Louis to bounce up and down in his chair and call Lloyd “a little David Beckham”. Handy with balls or cute and blond? Simon provides the comedy moment of the series so far, by telling us the one thing this show doesn’t do is Patronise People. Snort Splutter Choke. What kind of ciggies has Si been smoking this week? The ones that give you delusional fantasies obviously.

Next up its “You Have Been Missed” Mr Louis Walsh to introduce Miss Frank. In the spirit of JLS, Louis seems to have knocked up some T Shirts for the girls. Sadly, all the same colour this year, but one can’t play the colour co-ordination card too often, as inspired as it was. I’m still quite partial to Yellow JLS, but even now have NO CLUE as to what his real name is, nor do I care. The Bub takes a shine to Miss Frank and thinks they are better than he expected. Having just seen Lloyd though, it’s fair to assume, his expectations were somewhere near Rock Bottom.

Miss Frank are doing That’s Life which is the song they sang at Boot Camp so a bit of a swizz really. Their pin striped outfits are playing havoc with my telly and I feel like I’m watching it tanked up on E as everything is wibbling about in a rather surreal manner. Graziella spices it up a bit with a rap. A rap that’s crap (see, I can do this rhyming rap thing – move over Eminem). Louis is rocking in his chair like your Grandma does at Christmas when Cliff comes on singing Mistletoe & Wine. It’s a fair performance – certainly more big band than the last two acts.

Dannii says they are “Back in the race”. Cheryl thinks they are “Fantastic”. Simon chunders on for what seems like an eternity bestowing shovel loads of Cowell love onto Miss Frank. He thinks they were “A Million Times better than what we heard before” which sounds slightly patronising to me but this CANNOT BE as they don’t DO patronising on the X Factor. I’ve got to look away from the screen as I can see Simon’s face materialising in the undulating pixel frenzy caused by Miss Frank’s stripey garb. Louis thinks they looked like “A world class girl group” but they need people to vote for them. I might have considered it if Louis had said they were like “A Young Girls Aloud” which would have provoked Cheryl just enough to do one of her Evil Death Glares.

Dermot’s loses every single grain of credibility he had left by telling us there are “seven more swingtastic performances still to come”. Yes, he REALLY did say “Swingtastic”. Did you hear that sucking noise? That’s Dermot’s career slipping down the pan.

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I fast forwarded Dermot but I’ll lay money on not having missed anything vital. Dannii introduces someone who DESERVES to be here, its Rachel, our perpetual dweller in the Bottom Two. Bub is enthusiastic about Rach and says when he grows up he wants to be like her! It makes a change to have a pop star on that only craves a sex change and not a kilo of hard drugs. He advises her to smile and the audience will go for it in a big way. Simon muses we need to see fun, personality and performance and less of the bawling, sulky, verging on hysterical, Call the Priory Rachel that we have come to expect. I may have padded that out a tad.

And out she comes, it’s a New Look Rachel with an Alexandra styled bob hairdo and a dress made of Hama Beads! She looks fabulous and launches into a jolly version of Proud Mary. There is a small troupe of dancers that spend the entire routine shaking their hair all over the place like they are filming an ad for Head & Shoulders but even that cannot detract from the lively and fun performance that Rachel turns out. It all ends in a explosion of flames that Rachel best stay well away from lest the Hama beads on her dress melt.

Louis urges everyone to vote for her. Cheryl thinks she can sing. Simon thinks for the last few two weeks she has been acting like Louis’ age. Forming boy bands, making up limericks and egging on Irish twins? Whatever, she is “a different person” and thinks she is in with a shot now. Obviously a different shot than the one he’d like to give The Twins. Dannii doesn’t think she got it right with Rachel until now. Rach teeters off to the judges desk to give Dannii some thank you snogs. Its lucky their dresses don’t touch as Dan’s scouring pad would have probably sent Rach’s Hama beads scattering across the stage, leaving her with a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction that even Whitney couldn’t compete with. For her final transformation, Rachel draws on what’s worked a treat for Stacey and that’s to babble incoherently without a breath for several minutes. It shuts Dermot up so all’s good.

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Back with Simon who is proud to announce Jamie Archer. We get a Brief History Of The Afro. Michael Buble wants to touch it but we are spared footage of him actually doing so as that would be bordering on creepy. Simon didn’t like Jamie’s song at the sound check and decides to change it. Jamie doesn’t seem impressed but knows better than to argue with His Si-ness so pretends it’s all cool. He is lying – even his Afro looks worried. Louis thinks it’s a Huge Risk. Jamie says he’s got to trust Simon’s Judgement. Jamie screws up his eyes and pretends Robson & Jerome and Zig & Zag NEVER HAPPENED.

Jamie is inexplicably singing U2’s “Angel Of Harlem”, which, in the House Of Cowell is obviously filed under Big Band, not Rock. Although the chances of there being a Rock section in that particular CD collection is painfully unlikely I suppose. Jamie’s been made to dress as Simon’s more ethnically diverse, larger haired younger brother with a far too open white shirt and black trousers. Even though the “Big Band” link is far more tenuous than the assurances that Cheryl sang live last week, I think it kind of works. The orchestra certainly work it and although Jamie hits a few croaky notes I enjoy it more than if he had been forced to do Mr Bojangles or a similar crusty old swing number.

Louis is confused as its Big Band Week and he sang U2 which is CHEATING and no-one else would get away with it. Which is true. Dannii doesn’t think it had the magic of last week but says he is a great performer. Cheryl says it didn’t excite her. Probably because there was no back flip. Simon says Louis sounds like a man from the council with a silly little rule book. When Louis tries to protest, Simon plays his “Twins” card and tells Louis his musical taste is null and void as he knows about the “two horrors” that are coming up later. Oh Simon don’t pretend to hate Jedward. They are this year’s Official Talking Point and they make a refreshing change from the Dead Wife Ricky Gervais looky likey bloke from last year.

Dermot may have realised how rubbish he really is on these shows and does a bit of sucking up to the boss by saying ANY song with a horn section can be Big Band. Shut up Dermot. You are paid to waffle inanely, not have an opinion. Louis still isn’t having it and says U2 aren’t Big Band. Simon’s leaning back in his chair like he couldn’t give a flying feck. Let’s face it, he’d let Danyl sing Metallica on “Soft Mellow Ballads” week if it suited him.

Next up its Dannii who introduces our very own Cinderella, Stacey. Plenty of “Awwww” footage of Stacey’s wee boy clapping at Mummy on the telly and how he means “everyfink” to her. The Bub tells Stace to sing her song to her little boy. Tissues are being tugged from Kleenex boxes nationwide already and she hasn’t even sung a note. Stacey sobs to the camera “I’m singing this for Zac because all I want in life is for his wishes to come true”. I think the collective sniff of the nation registered on the Richter scale.

Stace is on stage squeezed into a silver frock that’s kind of half Mermaid half Jessica Rabbit. She is singing “When You Wish Upon A Star” – yet another Big Band classic eh? Funny, I don’t remember Dean Martin doing this one either. Isn’t it from Pinocchio? They are being more liberal with these themes than MPs are with their expenses. It’s not one of Stacey’s better performances but combined with the weepy and cute baby footage, it still should be enough for her to sail through to next week.

Louis doesn’t seem to have a problem with THIS song choice and says everybody loves her. Cheryl thinks she looked like a Princess but didn’t think it was her best performance. Simon thinks she looked better than she sounded. He wants to see her move about a bit more and learn some performance skills. Presumably so he can then say she is out of her comfort zone and should be concentrating on her singing. Dannii says Stacey has had her “hardest week” and is proud she got out there and did it. Stacey is just happy she looks like a Princess. Although she says she can’t breathe or bend in the dress. As if there isn’t enough spangly Lycra in Brian’s cubbyhole to be able to fashion a less rigid gown. Come on Stylists, sort it out.

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Back with Dermot who says we are having a “Storming Big Bang night!” I swear that’s what he said. If only it were a Big Bang night, then Dermot might disappear into a quantum singularity.

Over to Simon who is excited to introduce Danyl. In the Family footage, we learn Danyl’s mum drives ALL THE WAY from Kent every week to see him perform. I’m surprised the Production team haven’t provided her with a Sherpa, so arduous and perilous that journey is. It could take nearly 40 minutes in rush hour. The sacrifices that woman makes! Shove off Miss Katona and Miss Price, we have a NEW contender for Mum Of the Year. Mr Buble describes Danyl as “Goosebump Inducing”. But leaves off the bit about him being an arrogant, cocky git who the public haven’t warmed to. Simon thinks this could be a “defining moment” for him. Let’s hope its defined as a Danyl shaped Shock Exit.

Strewth, he is singing “Feeling Good” which SURELY will never even be a tiny patch as good as the Adam Lambert version was on Idol? No, it isn’t. Its sung with those odd Danyl mouth gymnastics which makes it sound warbly and terribly ill defined on the lyrics. If in doubt shout it out seems to be Danyl’s trademark with every song and I’m weary of it now.

The judges are obviously watching with their crack goggles on as they all rave about him. “You owned the stage!” says Louis. “That was VERY good!” enthuses Dannii. Chez is the only one who looks mildly underwhelmed “You look the part you sound the part” she says with little enthusiasm. This annoys Si who prods her and tells her to be more enthusiastic. Yes, just like happy, exuberant, joyful little soul HE is to everyone else’s acts. Simon reckons Danyl was in a completely different league to anything else we have heard so far. Who knew there was a Barclays Premier League for Annoying Teachers Who Over sing? Danyl looks for his mum in the audience to tell her she is The Best Mum In The World who drove all the way from KENT to be here. Mum’s like that aren’t found in Iceland you know.

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Dermot says Vegas has come to town tonight. Minus the World Class Entertainment of course.

Cheryl introduces her “Little Northern Star” Joe. Hands up who thinks Cheryl should be given ANY group next year that includes a gargantuan sized rocker, with dreadlocks and tattoos that she CANNOT possibly describe as “her little ANYTHING”. Cute family footage of Joe’s dad who says he has been blessed with a lovely child. How sweet. Not QUITE as sweet as Stacey’s baby, but definitely creeping up the charts of adorableness none the less. The Bub tells Joe “Its all about being Sexy”. Even our usual lover of boys Louis, doesn’t see it and winces in horror at the thought. Gawd, has he employed Max Clifford as well now? Amusing footage of Brian dressed as Herr Flick in a black leather coat telling us that Joe’s choreography is REALLY SEXY. I don’t think Max could do much with Brian. Joe worries he is going to look stupid on stage. This is X Factor Joe, that’s a given honey.

Joe sways out on stage singing Sway. Gosh, Brian you REALLY ARE GOOD aren’t you? There are some gyrating, bendy male dancers to enhance the performance, sadly dressed in white turtlenecks not sparkly cod pieces though. Joe does OK with the song, although it seems too old for him. Teenagers don’t SWAY (not unless they had one too many bottles of White Lightening anyway) they slam dance and bunny hop. With the liberalism of the themes in play, I’m sure Cheryl could have gotten away with giving him “Teenage Dirt Bag” on Swing Week.

Louis says he is very likeable and will be in the competition till the very very end. Dannii thinks he is cute and hopes he stays. Simon says he “rises to the challenge” with a wicked glint in his eye. Although he didn’t think it was “authentic” and had “as much Latin flair as a dolphin”. Simon’s similes are getting worse as the night wears on (and the meds wear off). Louis says “well unlike your contestants he sang Big Band”. Yeah, so THERE Simon. Cheryl thought he was sparkly and sexy.

Simon cringes at Dermot’s feeble attempt at yet another lame joke at his expense. Its getting to the stage where I have to skulk behind a cushion during Dermot’s links- like I do when a particularly bloodthirsty operation appears in Grey’s Anatomy or House. I simply cannot bear to watch but its too compelling to turn over.

Dannii tells us to “get ready this is Lucie Jones”. Her VT consists of her parents seeming quite glad she has left home because they now have food in the fridge. If she stays in another week, they will have probably rented out her room. Lucie goes all giggly over Michael Buble and hugs him a lot.

Lucie is singing “My Funny Valentine” and its a good, safe, solid performance, if not a little dull. Although maybe the tantalising thought that Jedward are up next has got adrenalin pumping through my body just a little too soon. The only note-worthy nugget to pull from this performance is that Brian sent out for a half hundred weight of petals to float down mid song. One lodges on Lucie’s hair leaving a pink splodge like a pigeon shat a blob of Pepto-Bismol on her noggin and this distracts me completely from anything else after that.

Louis thinks it was “very very amazing”. Cheryl’s got goose bumps. The good kind I think. Simon comes to the important things first and is the only one to point out the petal on her head. He thinks she “sang it like an actress” . Which is good if he is comparing her to Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins but not so good if talking Julie Walters in Mamma Mia. He thinks it lacked emotion. Dannii isn’t having any of it and doesn’t appreciate Simon’s comments. He turns his back on her and eye rolls at the camera. Its just so beautifully camp.

Dermot is excited Lucie got the first petal drop of the series as he would kill for a petal drop. Brian, do you have the petals crafted from plastic explosive we can launch?

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At last, its the act everyone wants to see and hear (although not so much) its John and Edward! Family VT where we learn their parents come every week from Ireland to watch. Ha, that’s more like it – Old Ma Danyl’s Kent excursion isn’t looking so bloody impressive now is it? Brian makes them leap about in vests. Simon says no-one is listening to him anymore and if they win he is leaving the country. Because Idol starts in January and he has a mansion that needs living in, in LA. 10p says he’ll be over the trauma by May to inflict Britain’s Got Talent on us though and be back to thinking Singing Dogs, operatic flower arrangers and slightly mad Scottish women are the serious face of entertainment.

My eyes can barely take in the beauty of the scene. Jedward are clad in red and lime suits, there are scantily clad dancers, giant John and Edward inflatable’s, fireworks, flames, glitter and lights. They’re singing that legendary Big Band number She Bangs by the slightly lesser known Rat Pack member, Ricky Martin. Brian makes the girls writhe on top of the twins, and let’s face it, the fact that those two 18 year olds managed to keep singing whilst being fake shagged by half naked woman on prime time telly is a testimony to their skills as entertainers.. I’m filled with glee. Its bloody amazing.

Some of the audience boo. Someone turn the napalm hose on them. Sodding philistines.

Dannii says they can’t sing but it was a great performance. Cheryl says they are fast becoming her Guilty Pleasure. Which makes a change from Ferrero Rocher washed down by Blue Nun. Simon doesn’t know what to say but still waffles on for ages. Louis reminds Simon he signed Zig & Zag which shuts him up a treat. Louis says the audience are rude to boo. Go Louis.

John (or possibly Edward) thank Simon for the dance moves which gets a conspiratory grin and a wiggle from his biro – this conjures up several rather disturbing scenarios so we’ll move on I think.

Dermot says “let the madness continue”. How rude. All that’s left is a massive pimp of the phone lines. Back tomorrow with Westlife who have the audacity to be covering one of my favourite songs, so I will be in a foul mood. If they do ONE AIR GRAB I will not be responsible for my actions.

  Danyl Johnson - Feeling Good (2.7 MiB)
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  Jamie Archer - Angel Of Harlem MP3 (3.3 MiB)
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  John & Edward - She Bangs MP3 (3.2 MiB)
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  Joseph McElderry - Sway MP3 (3.1 MiB)
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  Lloyd Daniels - Fly Me To The Moon MP3 (3.0 MiB)
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  Lucie Jones - My Funny Valentine MP3 (3.3 MiB)
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  Miss Frank - Thats Life MP3 (3.6 MiB)
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  Olly Murs - Bewitched MP3 (2.8 MiB)
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  Rachel Adedeji - Proud Mary MP3 (3.6 MiB)
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  Stacey Solomon - When You Wish Upon A Star MP3 (3.0 MiB)
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Saturday 24th October 2009 X-Factor Show Review7.31012

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