Saturday 21st November 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Live Show Saturday Nov 21st 2009

Last Weekend! The competition reached Fever Pitch. For most of the contestants, “fever pitch” is the closest they will ever come to musical accomplishment. It was sort of Queen week, though the dead one and the one that lives on a farm failed to show up. Jedward mashed things up with some Vanilla Ice and were shitastically brilliant. Simon lost one of his acts and the worst thing about that is the dreadful montage they have made of shocked Simon and Jamie faces cut together REALLY FAST like we have gone back 20 years and are on The Word or Max Headroom.

Tonight! Its Wham slash George Michael week! Promising footage of nostalgic Wham videos and already I’m rubbing my hands together in glee and what the evening has in store. I’m hoping for The Twins doing Club Tropicana dressed as pilots, with a battalion of dancers in Speedos, clutching cocktails, maybe with a dune buggy containing Pepsi and Shirley lookalikes cresting the stage. Olly will look FAB in those ball hugging tight, harlequin shorts that George wore in the Freedom video, and Danyl HAS to be dressed in the NYPD outfit. This show will be camper than Christmas at Gok’s house.

Titles!

Dermot. Shit grey suit. Flouncy kick. Ultra annoying twirl. My Saturday Night is starting here, apparently. Cancel the rent boy and the pizza then. Judges time. And who in the production crew thought of the genius idea to wheel them out to “I Want Your Sex”??? Its two camp blokes in their 50s, a Chav Wag and the lesser known Minogue that no-one wants to shag, not the cast of Twilight. Calm yourself girls, as I’m sure that tune made you want to rip off Louis spotty bow tie and engage in some deviant sexual activity. Dannii still appears to be wearing her curtain from last week, Cheryl has come as Minnie Mouse’s prostitute cousin. She has been too busy sliding her ring on and off her finger this week to bother with her hair much either. L’Oreal will be terminating her contract if she isn’t careful – its bundled up on her bonce with zero care as if she is just popping down the laundrette to collect her service wash not appear on prime time telly. Simon’s covered up his chest rug this week with a tie he bought in Top Man in 1979. Black tie with a blue suit? It’s an epic wardrobe fail on a par with Kerry Katona’s camel toe in her jeggings. Dermot does actually acknowledge the “weird choice of song” with a wrinkled look of disgust and claws back a millimetre of credibility.

Dermot says we need reminding about all the tunes we have “boffed and smooched too” . That’s what I thought he said anyway. Blatant plug of old Wham videos, which, as it turned out, was the highlight of the show. Ah, remember when George pretended he wasn’t gay, we wore Choose Life T shirts and snogged to Careless Whisper? A happier age indeed. George can’t be here tonight (no doubt too busy avoiding doggers and driving his car into trees on a darkened Heath somewhere) but Dermot assures us he is watching at home. Well, he promised to turn over when Strictly finishes anyway.

Over to Cheryl to introduce “The baby of the competition, Lloyd Daniels”. Isn’t it time Social Services were hauled in to remove “Baby Lloyd” from this exploitation? Our ears demand it. It’s the week the contestants are made to walk to HMV and buy the Charity Single. Lloyd can’t believe his face is on a “Number 1 CD” . You really aren’t the only one Lloyd, truly. It’s also the week where the acts “go home” to milk teary footage of reunions with families. I like this bit because we get to look round their houses and make sweeping judgements about them based on the decor and the size of their telly. Chez Lloyd appears quite normal, which is a shame as far as snarky blogging goes, but I’m sure I can make up for it in spades when he starts singing.

Cheryl, who has a belt on her head (to stop brain seepage or keep the hair extensions in place?) tells us he is singing one of the most recognisable George Michael songs ev-ah. Lloyd doesn’t appear too keen as its “REALLY wordy”. Oh dear, I’m guessing he isn’t doing Wake Me Up Before You Go Go then? Simon, the resident X Factor Shakespearian Wordsmith, advises that “If Lloyd is a cat, he has used up 8 of his 9 lives” in a tone that suggests he will be driving the large, speeding truck that will finally flatten pussy cat Lloyd into a non singing smudge of road kill.

Lloyd is singing “Faith” and Cheryl has once again capitalised in on her role as Hairdresser To The Nation, and has ordered a “new do” in the hope this will distract from the singing and encourage the “OMG he is so fit” brigade to vote thricely. As far as the singing goes, Its outrageously dreadful. I’ve had pancakes that weren’t as flat. Shot of Simon vomiting into his hand which sums the performance up nicely. His new haircut though, makes him look like a golden retriever puppy and you can almost picture him bounding from your toilet covered in bog roll. I fear Lloyd might still be here next week.

The audience drown out most of Dannii’s comments but the gist is, nice hair crap singing I think. Louis loves everything about him except the singing. That pretty much sums my feelings up about most of Louis’ Boy Bands. Simon reckons he was better this week. I hope this is “Reverse Psychology” Simon in play here because I just saw you VOMIT INTO YOUR HAND. Cheryl thinks he is turning into a little man right in front of her eyes. Put him in less snug trousers next week then Chezza love.

Dermot picks on Louis for not liking the singing. “There are better singers in the competition Dermot” Louis replies, seemingly not seeing the irony of this coming from Jedward’s mentor. Dermot thanks “Professor Yaffle” (which is funny enough for me to be certain Derms didn’t come up with it on his own) and pimps the phone lines.

Ads.

Over to “Australia’s Finest” Dannii to introduce Stacey The Voice. Stacey has had “the best week” because she got good comments from Simon and bought the Charity Single from HMV where it was next to “really famous people”. Make the most of it Stace, coz it will be in the bargain bin by Christmas Eve. Then it’s back to Dagenham to bond with her cute little boy. With Lloyd doing his Golden Retriever lookalike thing, Stacey has a lot of baby pimping to do to keep up there in the cuteness stakes. Baby Zac gurgles and is on cue adorable so that should see Stacey safe for next week too. What do you mean she hasn’t sung yet?!

It’s a rather odd and dull song choice of “I Can’t Make You Love Me”. Another flaming ballad. I wanted to see Stacey sing “Edge Of Heaven” dressed in a day glo bikini with leaping dancers in shoulder pads and leg warmers. So far, this isn’t the 80s I remember. Still, Stacey sings the song competently enough, but I’m poised for Simon to tell us she “Wasn’t relevant” probably whilst fingering his vile 1970’s tie.

Louis thinks she has Star Quality and will definitely be in the final. Cheryl reckons her voice is now as big as her personality which is what we were all waiting for. Hmm, well I’m waiting for an upbeat dance number with twirly choreography and legwarmers personally. Simon thinks she is “incredibly nice” but not as good as last week. Dannii waxes lyrical for ages. Dermot does the post performance chatty bit with his usual incompetence. “I see you have bought the Dagenham Militia with you” he notes. I doubt that, because there are no bottles of White Lightening being chucked at the stage nor is anyone spraying graffiti over the judges desk and not even one drunken chav trying to cope a feel of Cheryl’s boobage or steal Simon’s watch. Hence, it’s more like Stacey’s nice family that are in shouting a bit rather than the Bona Fide Dagenham Militia who would make even Ross Kemp turn on his heel.

Ads and a comp that promises a prize to live to like an X Factor Judge. Knowing my luck, Id win the Louis bit which is a weekend in a damp Irish Cottage and tickets to a Boyzone concert.

We are back with Louis who has to suffer Dermot trying to be funny about the Rule Book. That joke wore thin on Rock Week, lets bury it now and concentrate on fresher things to mock, like Louis’ plastic surgery that I can’t believe even Simon hasn’t taken the piss out of yet. Maybe all the jokes are being stockpiled for the final. Louis introduces the twins to loads of boos from the audience. Twats.

Jedward rock on home and it’s a source of amazement that they come from a nice home with a nice family and they are the only ones who appear to have large hair and theatrical tendencies. I was expecting Chateaux Jedward to be a menagerie of rejects from Britain’s Got Talent for some reason. The twins hug Granddad, visit their school and running club and are completely normal and sweet. Back to the reality of X Factor and Brian has them sashaying around the dance floor in scarves. Simon ponders, without giggling, that Louis is trying to do too much with them and he isn’t sure they will be able to pull it off this week. Heehee. I’m not sure if Simon was going for Intentionally Smutty or not there.

At frigging last, we are rewarded with an up-tempo Whamette number of the highest order! Its I’m Your Man and they are wearing Choose Life T shirts! This is what I’m here for – not crumbly old ballads. And do I spy dancers clad in tight silver hot pants and leg warmers? YES I DO! And then, if you think things couldn’t get any better (or worse depending on your outlook), they mash up a bit of Wham Rap as well! The wrongness just makes it so right. I worry when a twin nearly breaks an ankle leaping from the perspex tower but these twins are made of strong showbiz stuff and it all continues effortlessly. Shot of Simon looking totally amazed and in awe of the utter crap he manages to peddle to our screens each winter. Who thought the benchmark set by Same Difference could ever be beaten? Verdict – as craptastic as ever but maybe, just maybe cracks are beginning to appear in the Jedward Universe.

Dannii, who we can’t hear as usual says something about them being in tune with their singing but not with their rapping. Cheryl thinks they should be proud of themselves but doesn’t expand much on why. Probably because their hair is truly awesome. Simon has a joke ready – “It wasn’t really George and Andrew, more Andrew and Andrew”. Gosh, careful floor, I’m about to roll on you. Not. Moving on, Simon has had yet another money making “kerching” thought during the week and says that Louis has turned the boys into “Action Men Dolls”. I do believe his phone is beeping as the CEO of Mattel gets in first for merchandising rights. Louis says everywhere he goes young girls shout “Jedward, Jedward, Jedward” at him. Does Louis REALLY go places that have young girls? Tonight is a real education isn’t it? Simon says the boys have “converted a lot of people”. Yes, converted them to Trappist monks who DONT HAVE TELLY BOXES. He compares them to an unstoppable machine -probably a Dyson because they suck just as much. But we love them and all their shittery that they have bought to the show this year. I’d still rather see the Twins having fun with Wham Rap than Danyl shouting his way through a ballad…which leads us nicely onwards.

Here’s Simon to introduce “”With no frills or gimmicks just singing” Danyl Johnson. Personally I think Danyl could be vastly improved with both frills and gimmicks. Ditch the shouty vocals in favour of a consignment of dead relatives, an onstage wardrobe malfunction and sprinkle in a pinch of Diva like behaviour. According to the press, Danyl and Simon have been at each other’s throats in a Katie and Peter style Armageddon over song choices. Disappointingly, there is absolutely NO evidence of this in Danyl’s VT. I was hoping for at least a tiny bit of mega-stroppiness captured on film – better would have been a bare chested Fight Club Style smack off in the basement of the X Factor house set to a CD playing Wham hits. ITV never show us the good stuff. Instead we get bo-ring footage of Danyl going home to his house where he lives with lots and lots of men. Then back to his old school and then to his mum’s house. Riveting. Back in X Factor land, Danyl is singing one of George Michael’s best known songs. There is still no mention of the fisticuffs that happened over song choices (and it MUST be true because I read it in the Daily Star) but it’s a glorious irony that shouty Danyl has been given “Careless Whisper”! Hahahaha!

As expected, there is very little whispering but a great deal of shoutiness. At one point Danyl rips the earpiece from his ear – probably someone from sound was telling him to tone it down a bit and it struck his diva like nerve. It doesn’t sound anything like the George Michael version which means Simon will say something like “you made the song your own” rather than “that was not a patch on the original”. It’s all nasally, shouty and horrid as per usual. My more musically attuned family tell me it was crap too so , it’s not just my tone deaf opinion here. Dannii however thinks he sang it perfectly so who are we to argue with a musical genius? I think Simon gave her a Chinese burn before the show and told her not to be horrid to his acts. Louis didn’t like the arrangement and thinks Simon is making things difficult for him. Cheryl thinks parts of it were really flat. I hate it when Cheryl talks sense, but it happens so rarely, I’ll enjoy it for now. Simon reckoned he was “respecting the song” and thought that Louis would have him up on scaffolding dressed in a silly T Shirt. Yeah, it would have been wicked. Danyl lies that he and Simon “sat down and chatted about song choices” when we all know it was a massive hissy fit that culminated in a fist fight. Simon’s only covering up his chest this week to hide the big purple bruises. Dermot interrogates mildly about the press allegations which causes Danyl to zone right into humble mode. “I’m so lucky to be here” he simpers. Fake Humble Danyl is a zillion times more annoying than Cocky Danyl ever was.

A well needed Ad break to bust open the tin of Quality Street that were bought “For Christmas”. Danyl has driven me to gorge on the green triangle ones.

We are back to Dermot who yaks on about Club Tropicana but still no bugger is singing it. To Simon who introduces the “incredible” Olly Murs. They are squeezing every single droplet they can from Olly’s “Cheeky Chappie” persona in this VT. From the pork pie hat, to the bag of washing bought home to mum to the gaggle of mates “playing kick about” it’s all so Essex innit? Simon has decided this week he wants to make Ollie “Contemporary”. Does Simon know its Wham week not Jay-Z week? Olly has been fooled into thinking he is singing something modern – ON WHAM WEEK for feck’s sake. Everyone witters on about making Olly “more sexy” so I’m expecting those tight harlequin shorts for sure.

So, what is this ultra modern ditty that is going to catapult Olly into the mainstream wash of the UK music charts? Oh, it’s Fast Love which charted about 13 years ago. I suppose to Cowell its cutting edge stuff. And Brian’s obviously pinched the harlequin shorts because Olly is wearing a sombre black outfit which shrieks funeral rather than sexy. Why all these dirge’s and no Club Tropicana – WHY??? The slow start only highlights the fact Olly can’t sing very well, even when he hides behind bendy dancers and “suggestive” slinky moves. It all gets worse when he rubs himself against one of the backing dancers. Shudder. It’s all rather horrible and suddenly Danyl’s version of Careless Shouting didn’t seem so bad after all. And why is Simon standing up? There is simply nothing about that performances that demands it, unless he is getting up to leave.

Dannii says Essex must be going mad for you tonight. Breaking news Dannii – we aren’t. She admits there were tuning problems. Understatement of the millennia. Has Louis spotty bow tie somehow sent subversive signals to his brain as he LOVED everything about it and thinks Olly can be the new UK pop star. As we are REALLY crying out for a new one that can’t sing. He also says girls everywhere ask him if Olly is single. Where is Louis going that he meets all these girls this week?? Cheryl says everybody likes Olly but doesn’t mention one single word about his singing or performance. Which in itself speaks volumes. Oh but then Simon shoves her and reminds her to comment “Oh and I really enjoyed your performance” she says unconvincingly. She maybe dressed like a cartoon rodent’s slutty relative, but Chezza is on good form tonight. Simon is in embarrassing Dad mode and tells Olly “You’ll have no problem with the chicks when you leave this competition”. Every time Simon says “chicks” on air it’s like nails down a blackboard. ITV need to find a way to bleep it out. He thinks Olly is “fearless” and the “dance break” in the middle of the song made it original. Dance break? Did everyone stop for Kit Kats? I must have missed that bit. Olly tells Dermot he wants to be an “International Superstar”. Well, I think Butlins might have branches in Holland these days.

Ads! Crack open the Christmas Baileys, it’s an emergency.

Dermot’s back lying it’s a strong night tonight. It SO isn’t. Over to Cheryl to introduce Geordie Joe. He goes back to the bleak North East, where he appears to live in a fairly normal house. Until you go inside and it seems Joe lives in a sauna. Someone at Casa McElderry went a bid mad when Wickes had a special on the pine cladding. Then it’s back to college to see his mates. And then onwards to a mega juxtaposition of Joe walking down the dankest, litter strewn Newcastle Alley they could find, neatly merged into him walking out on the X Factor stage. If that didn’t holler “JOURNEY” at you then nothing ever will. Cheryl has chosen Joe “A massive song” with a big note. So, still not Club Tropicana then *FUMES* – bloody Wham week and no-one sang their signature hit! Simon reckons if he nails it he’ll be in the final. Not that you’d need to be sodding Nostradamus to predict that one.

Joe is singing “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me” Which I swear has been dragged out for EVERY SINGLE X Factor and Idol season in history. I hate it with a loathing I usually keep reserved for Westlife’s bland cover versions. As per usual, it’s another “Joe The Musical” performance. All very competent and nice but oh so infeasibly boring. I’ve munched my way through most of the Quality Street Purple ones just for something to do. There isn’t even any crazy choreography to liven it up a bit, just some lighting effects made to look like the sun. How very original. Brian could at least sent out some sun nymphs and maybe some bare chested blokes to writhe in the mist.

The judges, obviously amazed that there is finally a performance without a bum note, leap to their feet in relief. Dannii thinks he is exceptional and deserves to be there. Louis thinks he could be a UK Michael Buble. Good grief. One’s enough. Louis of course takes exception to the fact that the song was an Elton John song, not a George Michael song. I feel Scripted Moment of The Week coming up. And Simon, if you please…”Here is a new rule – we are going to stop you from speaking”. Oh Simon with this spontaneous wit of yours, you are wasted on X Factor – surely you are the new host that Have I Got News For You has been looking for since Angus got caught with the prostitute. Or was it drugs? I forget. More vomit inducing sycophantic spiel about how marvellous Joe is. And that he is only marvellous because of Simon apparently. If Cheryl had a knife at this moment, I swear next week would be the Simon Cowell Memorial Edition of X Factor. Cheryl reckons she could burst with pride when she sees him perform. Aww.

And that’s it apart from Simon to say thanks to George for allowing the use of his songs to be ritually ruined in front of 12 million people.

Tomorrow! Mariah Carey will be here and Cat Rescue centres throughout the land have already Fed Ex’d their cute baby cat supplies to the X Factor Studio, ready for the kitten slewn carpet that Mama Carey has demanded. Plus! Susan Boyle will be here. Greggs have sent some pies. See you then!

  Danyl Johnson - Careless Whisper MP3 (2.1 MiB)
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  Joe McElderry - Dont Let The Sun Go Down On Me MP3 (2.1 MiB)
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  John & Edward - I'm Your Man MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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  Lloyd Daniels - Faith MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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  Olly Murs - Fast Love MP3 (2.2 MiB)
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  Stacey Solomon - If I Cant Make You Love Me MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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Saturday 21st November 2009 X-Factor Show Review7.61010

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