Saturday 17th October 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Performance Show Saturday October 17th

Last week they sang for a place in your hearts! My arteries clogged up well before most of them got there mind. Kandy Rain got the chop for being shameless strumpets.

Derek Acorah might think he has got the spectral coup of the week for trying to raise the spirit of Michael Jackson. However he has sorely underestimated the powers of Supernatural Simon who seems to have managed to raise the dead, as Frank Butcher appears to be here with Whitney.

I can feel it in my bones, this is going to be an epic show.

Titles.

Live from London, its DIVAS week! Dermot’s in a better suit but still with the same old shit to say. He tells us Louis won’t be here but here are the other “Three Amigos” who emerge through a giant mock up of Simon which splits in two like it’s an ad for Bi-Polar syndrome. Its mock the judges time!

Simon’s in his usual gear with a hefty amount of hairy moobage on show, Dannii’s in a pleasant enough frock although her hair gives away that she may have stood too close to the wind machine and Cheryl has come as one of those squeezy tomatoes that you find in naff cafes that are filled with ketchup. A particularly tarty version at that. Did someone tell Cheryl it was Kandy Rain week?

Dermot hops about getting excited about Divas and reels off an impressive list of names – Britney, Leona, Tina, Aretha! Don’t go getting too worked up though, they won’t be here, it’s just their songs have been chosen to be sacrificed to the cause this week. But there is ONE Diva whose career has sunk to such bottomless depths that she has now got to appear on this third rate talent show to shift her single – Whitney will be here tomorrow everybody!!

Dermot reminds us that Cheryl will also be “performing” tomorrow as well (please note he didn’t say SINGING). Simon has the sense to look suitably underwhelmed and then goes on to introduce Frank Butcher who he says is some music mogul called Clive Davis. Whatever.

First up tonight is Lucie From The Village. We are reminded several times that she WASNT AS GOOD AS LEONA last week. Dannii has snitched a hat from Rikki’s Shit Hat Box and tells us Lucie CAN be just as good. Lucie didn’t breathe when Whitney & Frank walked into the “impromptu” piano sing song. I know, seeing Frank Butcher stroll in when he is DEAD would have floored me too. *All right, I’ll stop the Frank jokes now even though I could have milked it for the entire show.

Whitters demonstrates how to sing the song better than Lucie. And if Lucie doesn’t have enough to cope with, dealing with the high notes, Satan’s Own Choreographer, Brian, is on hand to make her job twice as hard. He warns her there is so much going on, onstage that something could get her. Haw. Cheryl worries she won’t be able to dance and sing the high notes. We are left wondering if its Lucie she is worried about or her own efforts tomorrow night.

Lucie is lowered onto the stage on one of Pat Butcher’s cast off hoop earrings (resisting the overwhelming urge to do another Frank joke). She is singing “How Will I know” and it’s a shaky start as she tries to dismount the hoop of death, negotiate the steps and push some dancers out of the way. Once she gets going, it improves but she isn’t as good as Leona. Or Whitney.

Cheryl’s having to read from her notes as she obviously has a line to say. “It was a great way to open the show!” She reads. Then shares the pain with her about having to dance in high heels. Is Cheryl not going to critique anyone’s actual singing tonight just in case her credentials as a singing contest judge might be called into question after her performance tomorrow? Simon thinks she could be a pop star with the right song but isn’t as good as Whitney. Or Leona. Dannii, unsurprisingly thought she was fab and will “grow” into a pop star. Unlikely, as this show is the musical equivalent of weed killer.

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Dermot’s bravely amongst the audience and hands over to “The Divas Diva” Mr Simon Cowell who looks comfortably chuffed with that description. Simon goes awesomely Subtle Bitch and says we are back to the talent now with Olly Murs. Misty footage of Olly destroying classic old songs aged 6 and fast forward to last week where he destroyed another one aged 26. Whitney and Frank I mean CLIVE like him – Whitney is especially impressed with his shoulder wiggling. Not much is said about the singing though. Cheryl thinks he is in over his head. Simon ponders how to get Tina from an Essex boy that used to sell electricity? Some tranny high heels, a pair of comedy breasts and a spangly mini dress perhaps? Well not quite, but Simon has obviously decided the ONLY WAY Olly is going to hit those high Diva notes is to put him in a pair of trousers that are SO tight we can practically tell what religion he is.

And actually, it works pretty well! Olly turns out a very entertaining performance (and Im not just talking about the extreme snugness of his trews either) of “Fool In Love”. Even Brian has reigned back the choreography so it compliments rather than hinder the performance and overall its rather camp and fabulous.

Dannii loves his wiggle. Is that what they call it Down Under? Cheryl begrudgingly admits it was his best performance and says he smashed it. Simon tells Olly he has fallen in love with him – then backtracks and says he hasn’t (Does Olly qualify for a mansion and a supercar though?). He says it was a different league and why everyone wants to be mentored by him. Access to his wardrobe of Incredibly Tight Trousers I presume?

Dermot seems taken with Olly’s whole package and points to it several times. “Is it the Olly shuffle?” he enquires, still looking down. “You come alive when you move don’t you?” For goodness sakes, someone throw a bucket of cold water over Dermot.

Miss Frank are next (bites fist so as not to add another Frank Butcher joke). Whitney and CLIVE are impressed but feel they need to be closer. Simon adds in his solid gold advice of telling them to “act like a group and sing like a group”. Tonight, the girls are doing it for Louis and are singing “All The Man That I Need”. Maybe Miss Frank need a lesson in irony.

The girls are a bit shaky on their solo vocals, but many voices a duff note will mask, so as a group they work together pretty well. It’s a reasonable performance and pleasingly bereft of any annoying dancers.

Dannii says they did Louis proud. Cheryl waffles but says job well done. Here comes Simon to ruin the party. He thought it was “mainly terrible” and they didn’t feel like a group. Cheryl has the nerve to butt in and inform him it took Girls Aloud “at least two years to feel like we properly connected like”. “I’d say three” retorts Si. God love him.

He thinks they will be in real trouble tonight. Code for “Please vote for them because it isn’t good for the show if we lose two groups in two weeks”. Ah, nothing like a blatant bit of voting manipulation to get the evening moving is there?

Dermot says “Well Whitney liked em and she’s really good”. Simon shoots him a glare and says she’ll agree with Mr Cowell when she watches it back. Hmm, as if Whitters will be watching X Factor on her Sky+ when there are meds that need taking.

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We are back with Dannii who introduces Rachel. VT of grief stricken, Bottom Two Rachel from last week. She collapses in a heap when Whitney and Clive toddle in. This girl spends more time on her back than Kandy Rain. Rachel is overwhelmed that Whitney clapped her. I think that was in the applause sense rather than the Chris Brown sense -I didn’t spot any bruises anyway.

Simon says Rachel’s confidence has taken a huge knock – and what has Dannii done? Given her a BEYONCE Song! Cue a classic Simon eye roll, which on the Alan Carr Campness-o-meter is a cracking 99.9 out of 100. Dannii says Rachel’s a fighter and won’t be in the bottom two again this week.

Much merriment as Rachel starts the song in her favourite X Factor position – the floor! She is singing one of Beyonce’s more rubbish singles, If I Were A Boy. Brian hasn’t dared risk the Perspex Steps Of Death this week and has downgraded to a Perspex box that Rach perches a heel on rather warily. She isn’t too bad – considering I don’t like this song, I quite enjoyed it. Do I feel connected though? Im not sure I do.

Cheryl thinks she came out fightin’ (shameless plug for your new single I think there Miss Cole?). Simon liked it but didn’t love it because it was too close to the original. 10p says later on he will moan at someone for “Taking Risks” with a song. Fickle, much? Simon’s frustrated. Not long till the ads, hang in there big guy.

Dannii says Simon would have loved it if she were in his category. Which is true and why I hate this mentoring lark with all its fake spats and false hatred between the judges. It makes me yearn for American Idol where the fake spats and false hatred are reserved for Simon and Ryan only and the contestants are spared.

Dermot isn’t best pleased Rachel is making him look like an ever shorter, short arse than he already is. He thinks she should be happy with the judge’s comments, even though Simon clearly wasn’t impressed. “I seriously need to get Simon to love me” whines Rachel. Shots of a panicked looking Cowell and Cheryl whispering to Dannii. Probably saying “Not in this lifetime”.

Chezza introduces her “Little Geordie Joe” which make me hate them both in equal measures and Joe hasn’t even sung a note yet. Cheryl says she is really proud of Joe. “He’s my little North East Soldier” she simpers as if he has been fighting the Taliban for a 6 month tour of duty, rather than practising a Whitney song all week. Joe used to wear skirts and re-create George Michael videos. Im suddenly coming to a lot of conclusions about Chezza’s little soldier.

Whitney’s uppers have kicked in and she is looking slightly more animated now. She tells Joe he is absolutely beautiful. Joe reckons she knows what she’s talking about and he “don’t wanna be goin’ home”. Having seen South Shields, I have a modicum of sympathy.

Joe has been allowed to do a Whitney Classic, which means she probably DID really like him. It’s that power ballad everyone snogged themselves silly to at every school disco in the 80s, “Where do Broken Hearts Go”. It’s a little dull as Joe isn’t up there with John and Edward in the exciting stakes, or Danyl in the overdoing it stakes, but he sings it pretty well. We can’t ever have it all on this show, so it will have to do. Simon was singing along, no doubt like me, getting all misty eyed at the memories this old tune conjured up. Although I don’t ever remember snogging Simon at my school disco, however my memories ARE kind of blurred by the amount of snakebite I used to consume back then.

Dannii says he nailed it and doesn’t think there is any song he can’t sing. It pains Simon to say it was note perfect. Because Louis isn’t here, its left to him to point out he needs to perform and dance a bit more, but reckons he has a “great future ahead of him”. Cheryl loves him bits which is the sum total of her judgement. Simon has one final piece of advice for Joe and that’s to burn the dodgy gay videos of his youth. Otherwise, he’ll waste thousands on Max Clifford in future years.

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Back to Dermot perched on something high to dispel his shortcomings. Hee. Derms reminds us Whitney will be performing here tomorrow. Oh the joy. Over to Si to introduce Danyl. I feel in my bones, things are going to start going overly dramatic.

Danyl assures us he isn’t cocky. Im not convinced. He used to drive his parents insane with his singing, now he has the whole nation to send stir crazy. Simon has given Danyl a Whitney song nobody has ever heard of from her New Album. Simon says he has to get permission for Danyl to perform it. Methinks this was part of some secret handshake with Frank “The deal is me old china, you get one of your lot to sing summink from the new album and I’ll get Whitney to sing on your show? Done? You have bin mate, she’ll mime two verses then lurch off for her pills”.

Whitney and Clive give Danyl a hard time about this mysterious new ditty. Clive says he is losing the Melody. Whitney tells him to Stick To The Melody. Both of which make me think Danyl gave one of his ludicrous drama fuelled performances and they both HATED IT. Whitters sneers at him over her coffee cup and shakes his hand with as little fervour as she can muster. Cheryl still maintains Danyl is cocky. Simon reckons he isn’t cocky but confident. Unusually for me, Im edging towards Team Cole on this one.

It’s a mediocre song which Danyl over sings as is his trademark. When I realise no scantily clad dancers are about to spring from the dry ice field round his feet, or abseil down amidst the lasers I lose interest quickly. He shrieks several notes and Simon’s standing ovation is totally uncalled for.

My bet is Danyl will be this year’s “Shock Exit” a la Laura from last year. There will be plethora of complaints to OFCOM about vote rigging, Dannii’s “homophobic comments” ruining his chances and no doubt rousing Mr Brown to campaign for his reinstatement – you mark my words, this will all happen around firework night when he gets booted out. Purely for being an overrated, cocky git that no-one likes. Simon will storm off set like Sharon used to do back in the day. It will be awesome.

Dannii is extra careful not say anything that might upset or offend the fragile Danyl (who didn’t object to flogging stories about his sexual preferences and being slathered all over the front page of the News Of The World but was surprisingly cut to the bone by Dannii’s rather mild reference to this last week). She says he was “flawless”. Cheryl thinks he delivered. Simon looks hacked off that Whitney and Clive didn’t like his precious little diva Danyl. But still professes Danyl was BRILLIANT. He so bloody WASNT.

Danyl panders to Clive and says how brilliant the song is and how brilliant Whitney is. Simon has been giving him lessons on how to be the second biggest suck up in the music biz.

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Back with Cheryl who forgets which of her “little boys” is up next, so a quick glance at the old notes – oh its “little Lloyd with a massive challenge”. She reminds us that he is a “little pop star”. Anyone got a knife, I want to slice my little ears off now. Lloyd pretends to be amazed to meet Whitney and Clive although Whitney was probably lying in a pile of excrement surrounded by needles by the time Lloyd was old enough to buy his first record. She tells him to “stand still” as if this will magically make his voice transcend to that of a thousand angels. Someone check that piano for a needle please.

Cheryl in her infinite wisdom I mean stupidity has given Lloyd Leona’s Bleeding Love! That’s like asking Ant and Dec to sing Nirvana really, isn’t it? Car crash imminent folks! Simon predicts the future – “This could be a disaster” he muses. Anything less and I’ll be wanting a refund.

Simon’s stony face throughout the performance sums it all up. It’s a bland warble, totally the wrong song choice and the kid is out of his depth by about a million fathoms. There isn’t even any comedy relief with a leaping minstrel behind him this week either. My ears keep bleeding. Keep, keep bleeding.

Dannii says he has to push himself to get those big notes. Simon’s regressed to 1976 and says “Its lucky you are cute and the chicks are going to love you”. Let’s hope these “chicks” have a modicum of sense and vote for Joe, who can at least SING as well as tick the box marked Cute. Simon then turns on Little Miss National Treasure, blaming her for giving Lloyd the wrong song and not understanding her acts. He makes her cry which makes my heart melt with joy. Lloyd blunders down from the stage and takes full advantage the opportunity to cop a feel of the afflicted Treasure, cunningly disguised as a comforting hug. Dermot tries to make Simon feel bad for Cheryl’s waterworks. He looks a tiny bit sheepish. “Come here darling” he says in voice like he is talking to a wounded puppy, and gives her an unconvincing reconciliatory peck on the cheek. Its lucky he doesn’t get stuck there with the amount of gloopy mascara that’s cascading down her jowls. That’s tonight’s Scripted Moment Of The Week out of the way then.

Onwards, and it’s time for the twins, John & Edward who last week felt like James Bond. Presumably the Pierce Brosnan version as he can’t sing either. Their musical heroes are the now defunct boy band Five. It’s a definite result their mum didn’t have triplets after Jedward were born as things could be SO much worse.

Whitney seems to find them amusing, and not all her marbles have evaporated either as she advises them to concentrate on the dancing. Cue Brian, who can’t get enough of them – because they are this year’s excuse to plot lavish, over the top set pieces that utilise every prop, dancer and outrageous costume within the M25. This week the boys are doing Britney! Louis is a genius! Perversely, Im looking forward to this far more than Lucie or Danyl’s desperate attempts to emulate Whitney.

Dannii says “John and Edward singing Britney? Oops”. Simon says “There is no way this can work”. Have some vision people!

Jedward burst onto the stage, wheeled in on luggage trolleys, dressed in bright red PVC suits. The backing dancers are dressed as The Stig. Its brilliantly, superbly, AWESOMELY terrible. In the middle of the song they stop and do a rather sinister, incestuous little chat about a necklace in terrible American accents. Its inspired, truly. Cheryl looks like she needs a catering size pack of Tena Ladies so rapturous is her laughter. Simon can’t help himself but to grin inanely.

Dannii thinks they are entertaining for making Cheryl laugh. It obviously takes a lot for a smile to crack across those frosty cynical lips so well done boys! Cheryl says they are the act she looks forward to the most and hopes they stay in to annoy Simon. Simon reckons it was the worst live performance he has ever sat through. Im sure there is plenty of YouTube evidence to the contrary. But does find them strangely compelling – like the Exorcist – he didn’t like it but wanted to see it again as its “sort of entertaining in a weird way”. The ENTIRE Sodding SHOW works on this principle Simon. Let’s call it the Exorcist Theorum from now on shall we?

Dermot says it’s all gone a bit surreal. That will teach him to pinch pills from Whitney’s dressing room. Unlikely to be Nurofen are they Dermot?

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Back to the depressing news from Dermot that this is only Week 2. Bloody hell. Can they REALLY find another ten more washed up old pop stars, desperate enough to come on?

Cheryl introduces her Scottish lad Rikki. That’s Rikki with a silent P. We are reminded how shit he was last week. He thought Simon was a “wee bit harsh” and he blames his mum for his hat fetish. Whitney looks daggers at him for daring to attempt an Aretha. “She is one of THE greats” and warns him not to mess with Aretha. “My mother sang on that record” she adds in a menacing tone. Rikki isn’t getting the hint though, and rather than saying “Oooh, OK I’ll do Lulu instead” says he is going to show he can do it justice.

Simon needs to take back that the Twins’ phenomenal reprise of Britney was the worst live show performance EV-AH because Rikki’s lacklustre, insipid version of Respect is far, far worse. Im surprised Whitney hasn’t burst forth from her dressing room and is beating him from the stage as this version must be an affront to the memory of Mrs H (assuming she’s dead of course- I really have no idea).

Dannii says he reminds her of Will Young. Will Young The Shit Years? Poor Will, he was never as bad as this. Simon says he should have listened when Whitney and Clive hinted for him to do another song because he was RUBBISH (Im paraphrasing about 2 minutes of Si waffle, but that was the gist). Unsurprisingly, Cheryl thought he was fantastic.

Simon obviously finds the drug addled glaze of fallen pop stars attractive as he makes some rather random remark about how cute Whitney is looking then forgets who is introducing. Its Jamie of The Afro who has gone from “cool guy Jamie” to “nervous wreck” whilst meeting Whitney. Simon has given him “one of the hardest songs in the world to sing and it will either be brilliant or an unmitigated disaster”. It’s always so much more entertaining when it’s the latter but I kind of like Jamie so let’s hope he hasn’t been stitched up like a kipper with a rough song choice. Oh it’s that X Factor staple, Christina Aguilera’s “Hurt”.

Jamie has obviously been allowed a rummage in Cowell’s Closet and has swiped one of Si’s T Shirts from his Primark Collection, some straight legged jeans and some pointy boots. He sings miles better than the much over hyped Danyl and more is understated than the effervescent little Ollie. It gets a bit shouty in parts but still a reasonable enough effort. I do hate him a tiny bit for leaping down to high five Simon at the end though. Danyl has the Copyright on Cocky so far this series, don’t you go taking that away Jamie.

Dannii thought he had bought a lot of softness to the song. Cheryl thought he “made the song his own” (haven’t had that one for awhile). Simon is annoyed the girls are so “unenthusiastic” about him and thought it was “Fantastic”. And had he not been in Simon’s group, he would have been equally unmoved and drinking as heavily from the X Factor Cliché Cup.

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We are back with the Diva Of Dagenham, Stacey. VT of her singing Celine Dion at a wedding when she was 12 – looking exactly the same but with braces. She is embarrassed to meet Whitney without having had her nails done (and presumably wearing bright pink wellies from Dagenham market) and she is worried she might forget the words. I don’t think anyone would care if she did. Our Stace has cleansed our hearts of hate. At least until tomorrow where if we don’t get shot of Rikki or Danyl I’ll be rage fuelled once again.

She is singing “At Last” which I’ve never heard of before but its reassuring good. She holds the stage with her voice and Brian wasn’t allowed to ruin it with some of his meddlesome choreography.

Cheryl says she “looked like a little pop star”. Oh the originality of the judgement never fails to fill me with glee. Simon’s horrid to her for no other reason than he doesn’t like her dress. But is more interested in thanking Clive and Whitney. He tells Louis we miss him. Which we do. It’s not been the same without a helping of Irishness on the end of the panel. And he would have SO told Miss Frank they reminded him of a “Young Girls Aloud” which would have been utterly stupendous. Dannii tells Stacey she Smashed It and Stacey goes all cute with Dermot. Aw.

That’s it. Back tomorrow for a Night of Mime with Cheryl Cole, Whitney’s Comeback Performance and the all important Results.

  Danyl Johnson – I Didn’t Know My Own Strength MP3 (1.8 MiB)
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  Jamie Afro – Hurt MP3 (2.2 MiB)
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  Joe McElderry – Where Do Broken Hearts Go MP3 (2.1 MiB)
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  John and Edward – Oops I Did It Again MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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  Lloyd Daniels – Bleeding Love MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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  Lucie Jones – How Will I Know MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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  Miss Frank – All The Man That I Need MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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  Olly Murs – Fool in love MP3 (1.8 MiB)
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  Rachel Adedeji – If I Were A Boy MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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  Rikki Loney – R.E.S.P.E.C.T MP3 (1.6 MiB)
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  Stacey Solomon - At Last MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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Saturday 17th October 2009 X-Factor Show Review6.21010

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