Saturday 14th November 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Performance Show Saturday November 14th 2009

Last weekend! The competition reached a whole new level! Yes, we dug right through the bottom of the barrel and popped up somewhere near Sydney. It was the most dramatic results so far! Simon not only Jumped The Shark, he shagged it, made soup from it then buried it with the last credible remains of his career. According to the press anyway. According to Sinitta he spent the week comfort eating Angel Delight and crying. In reality he probably roared off in his million pound car to his multimillion pound mansion, downloaded his bank statements and cackled hysterically whilst lighting his cigarettes from newspapers festooned with Jedward stories.

Tonight! Its Queen week where at least we will be spared a spandex clad Freddie Mercury subjected to Brian’s choreography. Unless Derek Acorah has been wheeled in with a table and shavings from Freddie’s tash so he can be “channelled”. It’s not been Simon’s best week apparently, but now it’s Showtime so things can only er, improve!

Titles!

Dermot’s on spin overload and whizzes round like one of those ballerinas you used to find on wind up jewellery boxes. I wish I could snap Dermot off as easily as I used to manage with those ballerinas. He is wearing a rather hideous muddy suit with a Ribena flavoured tie which, coupled with the usual inane dialogue – they make him say “Crown Jewels” – snigger – completes the look of “Host With Zero Riposte”. He introduces the “Four Killer Queens” to the strains of “Flash” which is all rather camp and lovely.

Cheryl has come as Aunt Flo from Bod, who has given up being an Aunt and is now a pole dancer at Spearmint Rhino in Bodland. Dannii is wearing one of her popular flesh coloured gowns twinned with a necklace borrowed from Wilma Flintstone. Simon and Louis have both come as queens.

Montage of how fab Queen were and how they don’t make em like they used to. Dermot says there are big shoes (and leotards) to fill.

First up its over to Simon who is booed enthusiastically by the audience and is absolutely loving every second. Simon has a bone to pick with Sting who has slagged him and his manufactured talent shows off in the press this week. This has ruffled the flat top considerably and in response, throws down an X Factor shaped gauntlet inviting Sting to come and mentor on the show. Stingstar week – how fabulous! Simon then lies that he never plays tactics or messes with people’s lives. Then lies some more about always trusting the public. Yes the same public that voted Steve Brookstein and Leon Jackson winners and have been huge embarrassing stones round his neck ever since. Still, he says it with at least a stab at pretend sincerity so that’s all right then. It’s all swept under the carpet enough for us to continue with this weeks untactical start of putting Jamie on first.

Jamie was “properly star struck” when he got to meet Roger Taylor and Brian May at the Dominion Theatre. We don’t see Jamie and Brian compare their big hair – but they must have done, surely? With tape measures and everything. Jamie worries he will sound like a Freddie Mercury impersonator. Brian and Roger assure him resoundedly that he won’t. Haw.

Jamie is singing Radio Gaga and just so we don’t confuse him with Freddie, he sings the first bit out of tune. It does improve but I am somewhat distracted by the fact he has been given some of Olly’s shiny trousers to wear instead of his normal jeans with one of Cheryl’s dresses hanging out the pocket. There is lots of Radio Gaga’esque clapping from the audience – who seem to have been joined by the Mysteron’s tonight – any other aging Captain Scarlet fans notice that? Great big hoops of light are weaving mysteriously throughout the performance. Jamie runs around a lot clapping, his hair which this week has been styled into rather wimpy Mika like ringlets bounces along like he’s in an ad for Pantene. He does improve as he gets going but it’s all a bit horrid really.

Dannii, who has been shoved down the end of the panel again, presumably for her foolish remarks about this show being a Singing Competition last week, says she thinks he knows how to get the crowd going but the song didn’t show off his vocals. Louis wasn’t impressed and said singing Queen has exposed him as having a small voice and big hair. Cheryl isn’t much interested in his singing but has plenty of opinions on his hair which is her field of expertise these days after all. As Hair Ambassador of the Nation (Sponsored by L’Oreal) she tells Jamie she doesn’t like the curls and prefers it frizzy. I’m almost expecting her to whip out a product from under the desk and start spritzing him. Simon can’t believe Cheryl’s comments. Does he think he has Germaine Greer sitting next to him and not a cut price WAG who flogs hair dye? He thinks Jamie got an incredible reaction from the crowd. Which is a kind of wiggly wormy way of not actually mentioning his singing.

Dermot tries to pick a fight with Louis again but Louis isn’t playing tonight and just reiterates he can’t sing. Dannii is poking him like mad saying “What about John and Edward?” which he chooses to resolutely ignore. Jamie says the only people who matter are the crowd and people who vote. At least he doesn’t resort to making “phone hands” and mouthing “vote” to the camera like that evil little dwarf Eoghan used to do last year.

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Back to Cheryl who introduces rubbish but cute Lloyd Daniels, who is already well beyond his “Best Before” date yet still clinging by his blond floppy hair to remain in the competition. If you didn’t loathe Lloyd enough already for only being there because “OMG he is well fit innit” then the fact he didn’t know who Queen were should be enough to drive the spear of hatred firmly and deeply into the hearts of anyone old enough to be horrified. Lloyd meets Brian and Roger dressed as a Smurf as maybe he thinks old people will appreciate that. Bri and Rog can’t really hide their underwhelment. Dancer Brian is trying to get Lloyd to be “cheeky” which seems to involve him weaving about amid some dancers wearing a scarf. Holy crap.

Lloyd is destroying “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and Brian has cleverly picked up on the word “love” and has adorned the set with hearts. Some of the dancers come out with a big heart over their muffs. Another has a set of wing mirrors attached to her tits. I’m sure that’s sending out the wrong signals to an impressionable audience. Brian’s been mainlining meths again. Its hideously out of tune and we are rewarded with a look of amazed horror from Simon. I suppose it improves a bit as it continues, or it could be my ears adjusting to the noise.

Dannii reckons it was his best performance so far. Which, even on the X Factor Best-o-meter isn’t saying much really. Louis says he was much improved but he’ll have to work better for next week. Next week? Ye gods I’m hoping he’ll be back at big school doing his maths homework then, not torturing us with another song. Simon’s been thumbing through his Boys Own book of shit similes and metaphors again, and likens Lloyd to a puppy running the Grand National. Cheryl tells him off for using “crazy phrases” and thinks she can do a lot more with Lloyd. Me too, except mine doesn’t include teaching him a new song and letting him annihilate it on prime telly. My idea involves a gag and a locked room. This isn’t a deviant sexual fantasy either, simply a way to stop him singing. Dermot goes squeaky and embarrassing and shakes Lloyd’s hand because he is now “grown up” then makes it worse by leering at him as Lloyd leaves the stage. “Where did HE come from?” he gasps which borders on deeply creepy. Careful Dermot, or you’ll find yourself on a register somewhere.

A welcome break.

Simon’s up again with Olly! Olly hasn’t had a good week as he has cracked a knuckle whilst boxing with the twins – he missed them and smashed his hand on the metal bar of a punch bag. How hard can it be to miss two bloody great blond boys with giant hair? Simon thinks we should put it into perspective as he hasn’t fallen off a mountain. Although the size of the cast for this “cracked knuckle” would imply he not only fell off a mountain, he landed on jagged rocks and was then run over by a bus. Twice. Choreographer Brian says it’s the “worst thing he can imagine” and tries to force a microphone into Olly’s damaged fingers. If Olly had broken his leg I can envisage Brian hatching a wondrous set piece involving the entire dance troupe in electric wheelchairs adorned with glitter. Roger and Queen Brian are impressed with what he got out of the song.

Olly is singing “Don’t Stop Me Now” and his giant cast has been replaced with a tiny hand one that makes him appear like a strange hybrid Michael Jackson / Queen tribute act. It’s all terribly out of tune with lots of Olly’s signature body popping which has now been demoted from “cute” all the way down to “tiresome”. “Don’t Stop Me Nooooooowwww” he bellows. Oh do, PLEASE do. Or at least crank up the backing track to mask this butchery. Simon’s bored enough to resort to eating snacks at the desk. Or he might be chewing some E.

Dannii thinks he is the best performer in the competition but thought his vocals were swallowed up. Swallowed up, spat out and shipped off to Outer Mongolia. Louis thought it was an “electrifying performance”. 10,000 volts through the hand cast would have improved it considerably though, don’t you think? He compares Olly to Robbie, Gary Barlow and Will Young but BETTER. Gawd, did someone turn off Louis’ hearing aid again this week? Cheryl looks forward to him every week and thinks he is there for the Long Haul. Simon muses that “bearing in mind you nearly broke your arm” (Hello Tonight’s Completely Untrue Statement Of The Evening) he agrees with Louis and thinks Olly is as good as Robbie. Poor Robbie – who could have predicted that one drug addled performance on X Factor would see his career compared to discount Gary Barlow lookalikes that can’t sing in tune. Dermot wants to know more about Olly’s damaged hand. “I must punch like a girl” says Olly mournfully. Over to you Cheryl, to give Olly some lessons on how to punch properly.

We are indeed over to Cheryl to introduce her “Little Joe McElderry”. Footage of Joe and Cheryl bonding and giving each other comfort because they are “away from home”. Doesn’t Cheryl live in Surrey? Whatever, the Queen boys think Joe is very talented. Simon thinks Joe has got a big song, but if he pulls it off, he will be in a very good place. It has champagne and leather sofas.

Joe gets a Big Choir and is singing “Someone To Love”. Naturally its more “Queen – The Musical” than Queen the Rock Band but it’s a competent enough vocal. Unfortunately, it’s also Signature Joe which means its Signature Dull. Surely Joe can’t win this can he? I can find nothing hideous to write about him yet the thought of him winning sends shock waves of horror running through my veins. He’s like a blander version of Leon Jackson and who could have ever believed THAT was possible?

Dannii thought it was a hard song to sing. “Even Freddie finds that hard to sing” she says wisely. Yes I bet he does these days Dannii, truly. Louis liked him but thought the choir WAS CHEATING. Simon takes the piss out of Louis now Moses like rule book of X Factor Commandments. Thou shall not Sing In Tune, Thou Shall Remain For Many Weeks If thy has Blonde Floppy Hair, Choirs Shall be Used to Mask Thine Shoddy Vocals. That kind of thing. Simon doesn’t think Joe was as good as last week but still banks on him being “as safe as houses”. Cheryl thinks he is brilliant and says that people at home have ears. Which is often quite a disability where this show is concerned.

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To Louis who introduces “the act we all want to see” – John and Edward! Lots of VT about last week’s Dramatic Bottom Two scenario and Simon moaning about all the stick he got. “There is something about these two” he muses wistfully – Yes more tabloid column inches, forum gossip, TV coverage and Twitterings than you ever possibly imagined and there was no way they were going to slide from your grasp that easily. It’s no wonder then that Simon now admits to “quite liking them”. This week the boys are excited to meet Queen. The band not THE QUEEN they helpfully tell us. Although I reckon Her Maj loves a bit of Jedward myself. The Queen boys agree with Simon that the boys “have something” but don’t divulge if its talent or swine flu. Simon hopes they are good. Louis hopes the public keep them in. I’m probably more excited than I should be.

It all goes so close to going tits up from the opening scene where one of the twins slips as he leaps through the paper graffiti wall but he recovers marvellously, ready to get stuck into “Under Pressure slash Ice Ice Baby”. The entire performance is a sensory overload of brilliance. From the shiny, bacofoil suits, to the dreadful rapping, the bloody weird choreography of slithering dancers and the added bonus of a pitch invasion from some bloke with a pineapple on his head. I admit when I watched the show I thought this was just a hefty sprinkle of Brian’s usual shittery but, no, it turns out its some Z List pop star trying to suckle off some Jedward fame. Really, could you ask for a more perfect set piece? ICE ICE BABY! It’s not even a Queen song but its sheer genius!

Dannii wants to rifle through Louis’ rule book to find out if the four lines of the Queen song jammed into a Vanilla Ice song actually counts. Louis insists it does. Her whinging is drowned out by Jedward chants from the crowd! Ha! Cheryl thinks it’s lovely to hear the chants and no boos. She says they were entertaining and she thoroughly enjoyed it! Oooh, me and Cheryl rapping from the same hymn sheet – surely this cant last? Simon says he can’t judge them in the real world only in “Jedwardland” – which is probably a devious way of introducing the public to his new theme park venture. He now loves the twins oodles and oodles and thinks the boys have conducted themselves well without whining. Unlike the whingy moaners he has in his group. Louis empties out the cliché drawer and thinks it was “their best performance” and that “they looked like pop stars”. He does fall short of telling them they reminded him of a “young Freddie Mercury”. He probably could have got away with a young Vanilla Ice.

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Back with Dannii who introduces “The woman with the voice – Stacey Solomon”. Stacey aint impressed its Queen week. “You can tell that was chosen for me” she giggles. Dannii has a doily on her head which is mildly distracting but goes on to tell us that with this performance she won’t be going anywhere. Bri and Rog are suitably impressed with Stace and think she has a fab voice.

Stacey comes out in a long gown and is surrounded by flowing curtains. It’s a bit like she has been forced into this year’s slot as Leona Lite. She is singing “Who Wants To Live Forever” and after a slightly shaky start, soon gets into the swing of the song. As is The Law on X Factor, things improve tenfold once the backing track is ramped up and the fireworks go off. Overall though, it’s a decent effort.

Louis points out she is the only girl left so we should vote for her. The dynamics of this show get odder, week by week. Cheryl thinks she was stunning and thinks Yvie did a great job with Stacey’s vocals. Simon’s also had a rummage in the cliché drawer tonight and says “that was the best performance tonight by a mile”. Dannii shamelessly begs for votes and even does PHONE HANDS. That really should be a hanging offence. Simon needs to add something important and tells us Queen wrote great songs. Oh Great Wise One, with your vast, cavernous brain of musical knowledge, you are really spoiling us. Stacey is allowed to toddle off to hug Dannii for no apparent reason. She can barely move in the dress and heels so she does an odd shuffling wobble that makes her look rather like a giant glittery worm wriggling on the end of a line. Dermot pimps some phone numbers which is the only thing he manages rather well these days.

Ads. But don’t rush back from the loo because its only Danyl next.

Danyl isn’t cocky anymore because he shaved his hair off, remember? Simon makes sure we know Danyl chose his own song this week, just in case it all goes horribly wrong. Danyl whines to Queen that everyone thinks he is cocky. Brian and Roger tell him that lots of people thought Freddie was cocky and arrogant. Yes and now he is DEAD so look how well that turned out. Simon tells him not to be Cheryl’s lap dog. Eww.

Danyl is singing “We Are The Champions” which is a nice cocky song choice. I’m surprised he hasn’t tinkered with the lyrics to make it “I Am The Champion”. It’s all the same old thing really – Danyl forcing himself not to chuck the mic about and appear humble and likeable. There is a giant choir, lava lamp -esque bubbles and lots of lasers. Its volumous and dramatic, I’m totally unmoved. It’s the only performance I speeded up on ITV Player. That caused it to crash and I had to watch another 5 bloody Nintendo adverts so Danyl torments me at every turn. ITV Player resumes at the Fillings Shot so at least it’s all over. Apart from Danyl thumbs upping the choir so we can see how utterly likeable and NICE he is. I’m rather surprised it’s not a Child Choir, with each child holding a small kitten or puppy that Danyl could caress between each verse of the song. Just to ram the message home a little harder. Next week Simon – puppies, kittens, even baby chicks if you can get em.

Dannii thought it was his best live show performance. Louis tells him there is nothing wrong with being arrogant. Except it will mean no-one will vote for you. Regardless, Louis loves him and thinks he will be around a long time. Cheryl thinks he looks “really handsome”. Because that’s important you know. Simon reckoned it was “outstanding” and “loved it”. I preferred the twins rapping Ice Ice Baby. Is that so very wrong of me? Dermot does his post song interview with his usual blundering inadequacy which this evening culminates in suggesting Danyl and Simon “get a room”. All that money on Max Clifford and Dermot ruins it in an instant. Poor Simon, It’s a bad end to a bad week.

All that’s left is a mass pimp of the phone lines and the glee of knowing that at least one of this lot is going back to the void of nothingness that’s called Ordinary Life tomorrow.

  Jamie Archer - Radio GaGa MP3 (2.3 MiB)
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  Joe McElderry - Somebody To Love MP3 (2.3 MiB)
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  John and Edward - Under Pressure MP3 (2.5 MiB)
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  Lloyd Daniels - Crazy Little Thing Called Love MP3 (2.1 MiB)
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  Olly Murs - Dont Stop Me Now (2.4 MiB)
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  Stacey Solomon - Who Wants To Live Forever MP3 (2.1 MiB)
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  Danyl Johnson - We Are The Champions (2.3 MiB)
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Saturday 14th November 2009 X-Factor Show Review7.81012

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