Saturday 10th October 2009 X-Factor Show Review

X Factor Live Performance Show Sat Oct 10th 2009

After enduring I mean enjoying the last however many tedious weeks of auditions, boot camp and judges houses, it is a relief to have FINALLY made it to the Live Shows. 200,000 have become just 12 and they are going to SING LIVE for THE FIRST TIME! Well, apart from the singing live to audiences at the auditions. And boot camp. But I think we were have supposed to have forgotten that.

Louis says “Let the battle commence!” And what a battle it will be – song choices, outfits, bitchiness, clichés – and that’s just on the judging panel. Some people will sing as well apparently.
Titles.

Live from London, here’s Dermot. Still in one of his crap “Doesn’t fit me AT ALL” shiny suits from last year -where the cuffs are only just below the elbows like he grew out of it in high school. He fails to spin which sends me into one myself. Tonight’s theme is “Musical Heroes” so it’s logical to assume Elvis and David Bowie, not Robson & Jerome and Sinitta, but with this show, who the hell knows? I wouldn’t put it past Cowell to send Danyl out singing So Macho.

Oh, I can breathe again, Dermot spins as he introduces the X Factor Judges! Bloody hell, what’s Cheryl wearing? Did she tell her stylist to make her look like a cheap trinket you might find in the bargain bin at Christmas Land (Just like Pound land, but Festive)?

Its shiny, chav and horrid. Even Gok couldn’t fix THAT. Oh, and what’s this? Simon IN A BUTTONED SHIRT and a TIE??? This doesn’t feel right at all. Maybe the heavily reported “flu” that our Si is meant to be suffering with this week, meant that even Mr Vain would have to concede that chest hair glistening with Vicks just isn’t a good look for Prime Time Telly.

Dermot pimps the shiny new set and tells us that Alexandra Burke and Robbie Williams will be performing on it tomorrow! Shame for everyone here tonight that have got to hear 12 nobodies murder a plethora of classics though.

Dermot has been sent to The Ryan Seacrest School of Presenting during the holidays and tries to make out with Simon. Simon goes effortlessly camp. Dermot goes uncomfortably weird. “You have me where you want me” he growls making a fist. Go back and complete Flirting With Simon 101 again Dermot, I’m not feeling the chemistry AT ALL. Dermot doesn’t bother with talking to the other judges and says it’s time for our first contestant so it’s over to Dannii who introduces Rachel as the first lamb to the slaughter.

VT of Rachel at home. Which appears to be a Normal Home, not set in a sink estate, or on fire or in a Tiny Village. She freaks out about having to sing to a rather grey haired and haggard Robbie Williams (if you ask Simon nicely, chuck, I’m sure he’d share his Grecian 2000). Robbie offers the sage advice of “just pretend like I do” if Rachel loses confidence. Or maybe she could pretend to sing like Britney does- that works too.

Rachel is singing “Let Me Entertain You” and that lunatic choreographer Brian Friedman is back with yards and yards of sparkly taffeta and an army of people to leap about and distract us from the singing. Cheryl Prays To God she pulls it off. She is lying. I watch the Mentalist, I can tell these things. Rachel arrives on stage looking like she has been styled by Daisy Duck in the style of Donald with a rather odd nautical themed, stripey jumper made of sequins and orange stilettos. It’s so bad, it makes Cheryl’s shit Christmas decoration affair look classy in comparison. Her makeup looks like it’s been done by a 4 year old with a set of crayons. Sack the stylists. There are flames and look, here come the dancers clad in leotards (also with shit makeup). Rachel can’t hold the song -she is being distracted by being made to march round the set in giant heels, down slippery plastic steps and gyrate betwixt the lycra clad army of dancers. I feel a bit sorry for her but it does end better than it started.

Louis says “It’s like Rhianna sings Robbie” which I doubt he came up with on his own. Cheryl at least notes the hard job Rachel had coping with the (shit, over the top and unessacary) choreography. Simon says in a disappointed tone we were only 5 seconds away from our first X Factor death as she nearly slipped on the steps. Next week, Brian will be told to put more grease on them. Headlines like that aren’t to be sniffed at. He goes onto say he may have “misunderestimated you”. I swear my spell checker laughed as I typed that. It’s a shame this version of Word doesn’t yet include Cowell-ese as a language option. Simon was concerned when Dannii put through “Miss Nobody” (cue the audience to earn their keep and do some pantomime boos) but now thinks she is great. I stopped listening when he said the choreography was good. No it bloody wasn’t and neither was the singing. He does admit the makeup is repulsive. Draw your own conclusions that he was spot on about the makeup but miles off the mark about the singing and dancing.

Dannii tells Rachel not to take style advice from Simon Cowell, although she probably would have looked better in one of his shapeless grey Primark T shirts than that ridiculous sequinned abomination. Dannii is so proud of her and thinks it was a great opening to the show.

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We are back with Louis who says he has something sexy for the gentlemen. Haw. Oh its only the strippers now known as Kandy Rain. The girls say the press are JUST focusing on their careers as strippers – and some gratuitous shots of them half naked are shown, just in case we had forgotten exactly how slutty they used to be. They perform for Robbie, who did look a tad crestfallen none of them got their knockers out, but still gamely says they were a surprise package (a naked surprise package would have been a double bonus I guess). Louis says they have got to go out, do a great performance and prove him right.

And out they come on stage dressed in stuff you can only buy online from certain niche websites. Although methinks a lot of it was already languishing in the closets of these girls somehow and it just needed a little buff up with some leather shine. They are singing “Addicted To Love” and it’s not too bad, but in those outfits, are the under 12s and over 65s going to be leaping to the phones to vote? No. The teenage boys will be leaping off to the bathroom and it won’t be telephones they will be fiddling with in there.

To the judges then. Dannii is told to say something about Simon enjoying it. Sigh. She takes umbrage with their S&M gear and tells them to “RAIN it in!” Cheryl chimes in to agree. If SHE was their mentor she would have brought them out “demure”. How she says that with a straight face as the gleam from the radioactively shiny, tacky, strapless bauble of a dress she is wearing blinds us all I really don’t know.

Anyway, it’s a no win situation, because if Louis bought them out in Arran jumpers and jeans everyone would be moaning they weren’t being “true to themselves” or other such claptrap. Simon, of course “completely disagrees with the girls” and its handbags at dawn for awhile on the judge’s bench. Cheryl asks Simon if he would give them a record deal to which he replies “I’d give them a shot”. “I bet you would” she hisses back. St Cheryl The Compassionate Of Newcastle’s mask is slipping here and its Chavvy Chezza, the tramp stamped, toilet attendant basher who is reigning supreme tonight. Louis says there is a gap in the market for a “New girl band that looks sexy” and looks at Cheryl whilst he says it. Ha.

Dermot carefully adjusts his suit flaps as he talks to the girls who say they will take onboard the comments. Dannii and Cheryl continue to bitch a bit and Simon asks for a saucer of milk. Oooh, it’s SO much better when they pretend to hate each other! Long may it continue!

Simon introduces Olly and we see some VT which includes a VERY brief glimpse of his house as its Quite Nice and not a Tower Block (urine soaked, rat infested stairs are much better telly than a nice garden) and Olly at work at his TEDIOUS job. Robbie thinks Olly can hit the high notes better than him. Robbie loves him and wants him to be his mate. Just think, they only need another couple of lads and they have a boy band (don’t let Rikki join though). At the sound check Simon didn’t like it (and I didn’t like Simon’s cardigan) and says he is copying Robbie. Simon says he wants him to be BETTER than Robbie. That won’t be hard for some obscure kid from Essex with absolutely NO experience then will it? Plonker.

Olly is on stage amidst a lake of rolling mist. No doubt Brian has got a phalanx of lycra encrusted dancers ready to explode from it. Olly isn’t great – he misses several notes during his performance of “She’s The One” but cleverly makes sure he smiles EXTRA cutely straight afterwards so we forget about that. It works on the judges as they all enthuse greatly. Louis says “you made the song your own”. First use of a tired X Factor Cliché Award this live show to Mr Walsh please. Both girls like him naturally. Simon chunders on about him enthusiastically and casually drops in that Robbie isn’t a very good singer but he can ENTERTAIN. So Simon doesn’t think Olly can sing either then? Good, we are agreed on something.

Olly tells us he has managed to get a date with Robbie for a coffee after the show which is far more interesting than anything else that’s gone on so far. Let us hope ITV2 are on the ball and send a camera crew along with Holly.
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Holy crap it’s time for Rikki. Cheryl pisses me off immediately by simpering it’s time for “Her Boys” which grinds my gears more than “My beeeyooootifullllll little Diana from Blackburn” did last year. We see Scottish pubs where Rikki has been torturing Scottish people with his shit hats, shit eyebrow and shit singing for years. Robbie seems suitably unimpressed and tells Rikki he has got to connect with people more. Dancing “guru” Brian tells him to keep his eyes open – probably so he doesn’t stumble over one of the 70 or so dancers that will lunge at him at any given moment during his performance. Louis says he has got to connect with the audience. Cheryl says he connected with her which is why he is in. Simon says it’s not about connection he has got to STOP CRYING. “He has cried more than he’s sung” he huffs in that fed up tone he does so well. There are brief moments when I can love Simon unreservedly, and this is one such moment.

Rikki gyrates on stage in some god awful purple suit that fits worse than Dermot’s and a polka dot shirt . I can’t even recognise the song he is murdering – it’s all far, far worse than even I had dared to imagine or hope for! When I think it has reached the very bottom of the metaphoric barrel, it goes down another notch or two of dreadfulness as Rikki scoops up a hat that’s been sat on the piano. He rams it down on his head but it doesn’t fit either! Oh the joy!

Louis says (AGAIN) that “You made the song your own” and thinks he has more to offer. Dannii says she loves the jazzy sound to his voice. Simon DONT let me down. Be hateful and ghastly like it was the olden days when you wore high waisted trousers and really were TV’s Mr Nasty. He says he didn’t like the song, didn’t like the way he was styled, thought he was wet with no star quality and no had confidence! AND he can see why he was singing in those pubs! Oh Simon, you can be my hero, baby. He thinks Rikki is as shit as I do. Yay. Cheryl says she’s got his back and is right behind him. Good you can both be voted off together then. What a result that would be.

Dermot says Rikki must believe he has Star Quality? “I do” says Rikki “I’ve got so much more to give”. I’m sure those pubs in Scotland simply cannot wait love.

Dannii says it’s time for Dagenham Stace! Robbie says he wants a Stacey and that every home should have one. I think he may be right. As a homage, Dagenham Barbie will be in shops just in time for Christmas – complete with A Baby and a repertoire of ballads. The judges all say Stacey has to start believing in herself. With a stage refreshingly free and clear of Brian’s Lycra Army, “Our Stace” launches into Coldplay’s The Scientist. It’s an inspired song choice -unpredictable yet enigmatic. It would have been easy to pick a Mariah or a Whitney and make me want to stick forks in my ears, so much love for this effort.

Louis says she has it all. Cheryl loved it but wanted her to be more “Glitz and glam” and kind of points at her own hideous ensemble as if it’s meant to inspire Stacey to more lofty fashionable heights next week. Stace will be better off with a good rummage round Dagenham market than rely on Cheryl’s stylists. Simon loves her personality and thinks there is more to come. Dannii is glad Stacey came out of her comfort zone on show one. Stace goes a bit common with Dermot so we can love her just a tiny bit more than we already do.
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Louis introduces Miss Frank, the Frankenstein act, cobbled together from the parts of not quite good enough soloists. They tell Robbie they are having trouble making their voice sound “as one”. Robbie says he can see the fear in their eyes. Brian is worried they won’t come across as a group onstage. Not if he can ruin things with some over complicated choreography anyway. Simon thinks 3 good singers should be able to gel in 5 minutes. Because that’s how long you get to form a band in this competition and how long his attention span is.

Louis has insisted on some Westlife stools for their performance of “Who’s Lovin You?”. It’s not a bad effort to be honest and at least he hasn’t dressed them in white and made them walk slowly, doing air grabs. Dannii says they have given “Miss Walsh the cool factor”. She wants to see Graziella do some rapping. But not to Westlife. Please God not to Westlife. Cheryl is reading copiously from her notes so she appears knowledgeable. The fact she didn’t say “amaazzinn” or “you were on FYYYY-AAAHH Tonight” proves she had a script. She thinks it was a silly song choice and thinks they have got “so much more cool, powerfulness in there”.

Simon congratulates himself for putting the group together with a flurry of biro flapping. Then he gets trademark obnoxious and calls two of the girls “bookends” and the other “the one in the middle”. He can’t do “names” for a few weeks apparently, as it’s a bit much out on his own at that desk with no PA or Max Clifford to help out. Cheryl calls him rude. Louis calls the girls “A female JLS” . Sigh, we knew this one was coming didn’t we?

Dermot reminds Simon of the girls names. He sucks his biro and looks like he couldn’t give a shit. To be honest, neither do I. Dermot asks him if he can remember the name of his next act. Simon frowns darkly. Careful Dermy, I don’t think you have the same Special Relationship that Si shares with Mr Seacrest.

Jamie is up next. Simon reiterates how very old he is. That’s Jamie, not Simon. This is Jamie’s last shot before the musical scrapheap. Robbie says he is a better singer than him. How very humble of him. Do we think he has a record to plug as Robbie is normally an irritating little git with an ego bigger than Cowell’s? The Robster tells Jamie to grab em and keep em there. I’m not QUITE sure how this equates to singing advice, but let’s see shall we? Someone has dressed the set so it looks like the box of Guitar Hero. Jamie is singing T Rex, Get It On. It starts off a bit flat but improves as it goes along. Simon gives him a standing ovation. The other judges do not.

Louis hopes Jamie will be more versatile. I’m sure Simon has got a Michael Jackson ballad up his sleeve for Jamie in the forthcoming weeks which will tick the boxes “Versatile”, “Not Rock” and “Touching Tribute” in one fail swoop. Dannii thinks it was “authentic” – as opposed to a manufactured singing contest perchance? Cheryl thinks it was a great song choice and thinks he is absolutely fantastic.

Simon thinks it was a different league to everything else he has heard so far. He has a spat with Louis about nothing important but it’s The Law they have to do this at least once per show. Dermot looks like a tiny little pixie next to Jamie and his hair which amuses me no end. I’ll take light relief anywhere I can on this show.
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Bloody hell. Cheryl’s back to her old habits. “It my little Lloyd Daniels” she simpers to the camera. I roar with hate at my telly. Lloyd has now decided that he too comes from A Small Village as it seems to be a useful tactic to squeeze some sympathy votes. He meets Robbie and says he has never been that close to such a superstar! Cameramen fail to zoom back to the judges desk where no doubt Cheryl and Simon are looking daggers! Heehee. Robbie advises him not to do the high notes as its “live”. 10p says Robbie will be miming tomorrow night then.

Lloyd moans about singing high notes and about the dancers which upsets Brian no end. “My rehearsal with Lloyd was a disaster” Brian muses with a face like slapped arse, not happy that Lloyd keeps tripping over his endless supply of pirouetting flunkies.

Oh dear. Lloyd does a rather terrible version of Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me A River”. I’m crying an ocean. Brian obviously gave up trying to coordinate an epic Busby Berkley style extravaganza with Lloyd and has inexplicably sent out a lone girl in red tights to leap about behind him! It so incredibly shit that its bordering on brilliant. A few more “dancers” slink out later on in the number but they have obviously been told to stay well away from Lloyd. Oh! Now the girl in the red tights keeps jumping on him! WHAT THE FECK is going on? Honestly, I don’t think I’ve laughed so much since Blackadder II. I hope Brian is up for a Comedy Award this year.

Louis doesn’t care that he didn’t get the high notes as he is ONLY 16, FROM Wales AND A BORN POP STAR! Good to see Louis focusing on the important stuff. Dannii says his movements were a bit stiff because it was the first show. Next week I’m sure Bri will have Lloyd bent double over the ballet bar to loosen him up. Simon also thinks he was a bit stiff. Fnar. But thinks he is an “authentic pop star”. What a load of bollocks. Cheryl doesn’t care what anyone says as “You’re my little pop star”. I’m sure it’s not healthy to despise Cheryl as much as I do right now. Dermot pinches Lloyds cheeks and says he loves that face. Oo-er.

Dannii introduces Lucie. Lucie From The Village which has now been reclassified the Teeniest, Tiniest, Icklest Village in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. They must have new fangled stuff like TVs and radios though, as Lucie does seem to recognise Robbie. Or maybe he just looks remarkably similar to the singing shepherd that also lives in the Small Village. They don’t have television cameras though as she asks if anyone has a camera whist looking into one.

Lucie is singing Leona’s Footprints In The Sand. It’s a decent enough effort and there is some comedy relief, this time not from some insane choreography from Brian, but someone nudges the wind machine from “gentle breeze” to “hurricane” and poor Lucie nearly gets swept away.

Louis says she was brave to do a Leona song but will be in the competition for a long time. Cheryl wants to see if she is versatile. Simon says it was a fantastic song and does a dramatic pause to see if anyone realises he has a song writing credit for this tune. Of course no-one has a clue which must tick him off considerably and he has to continue without adulation. He says she didn’t hit the high notes like Leona. Louis buts in and says Leona wasn’t as good as Lucie on her first show. Simon rolls his eyes and says “give me a break” . No-one is allowed to diss Leona for goodness sakes Louis! Dannii briefly upgrades the Tiny Village to a Small Town, which will never do but tells us we all must Love Lucie.
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Louis says it’s now time for something completely different. Someone who can sing in tune and pull off a dance routine better than MJ? No, it’s the Twins, John and Edward. Or Jedward as they are known in my house (and will now be known as on here because it’s SO much easier to type). Holy mother of God, Jedward have now decided they come from A Small Village too! Bloody hell, dead wives are SO last year, sodding Villages are this year’s In Thing. Let’s have a contest on EXACTLY whose village is the smallest shall we? Maybe we can get Kirsty and Phil in to host this as a special?

Robbie looks like he just ran into Gary Barlow in Asdas – slightly shocked and not altogether happy. The twins bombard him with obnoxiousness but Robbie pretends to like them as he needs his single to do well in Ireland too.

Jedward arrive on stage, to a cornucopia of Brian-ness. They are lowered down on cables, Tom Cruise style. Sadly a singing Tom Cruise. They launch into a very out of tune Rock DJ. There are dancers, fireworks, the re-emergence of the deadly Perspex steps a crazed DJ complete with decks and a snowstorm of ticker tape. A tiny fragment of me is quite enjoying the awfulness of it.

Dannii said it wasn’t the greatest vocals tonight (understatement of the millennia) but she enjoyed the performance. Cheryl says “You can’t sing – Fact”. Neither can you – Fact. Simon goes drama queen and does a lengthy pause whilst pretending to think of something to say. Like that’s EVER been a problem over the last however many years of judging this shite. Summing up, he says they are only here because they are Irish (and from a Small Village). This causes Louis to retort that people in Ireland cannot vote for some reason.

It’s a good reason. People like Jedward or Eoghan Quigg might feasibly WIN. He wants people to vote for them to annoy Simon. I’d rather annoy him by NOT VOTING IN THIS BLOODY FIASCO. Dermot thinks they deserve a round of applause for coming over from Dublin, like the Easy Jet trip over was some kind of endurance test only equal to that faced on a daily basis by Bear Grylls.

Cheryl is interrupted doing something at the desk. She probably has Ashley under there so she can keep an eye on him, otherwise he’d be shagging his way through the contestants. She says it’s time for Joe. Well, she says something completely incomprehensible actually, but that’s my translation.

Joe doesn’t come from a Tiny Village (even he realises Newcastle cannot be pimped as a Village) however, he does come from a Tiny Flat which is almost as good and will have to do. Robbie seems a bit subdued with Joe but thinks he will put in a good performance.

And actually he does a fairly solid performance of No Regrets. He does have the added massive advantage of no dancers to negotiate and there are no pyrotechnics to distract us either. Louis predicts he is the one to watch. Dannii says he nailed it. Simon thinks he is a little dark horse. No doubt that has planted a seed in Brian’s twisted little mind and Joe will be clad in cowboy gear next week, surrounded by his dancers in horse costumes. You mark my words.
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This time its Simon who is distracted at the desk. That bloody Ashley again no doubt. Dermot barks at him for attention and says “I can be hard when I want to be”. Simon stares open mouthed. Even Ryan has never dared be that forward on air. Simon recovers and says it’s time for Danyl who he tells us is like a singing puppy. This ISNT Britain’s Got Talent Si, remember? Robbie says he should plant his feet and give it to em. Right. Simon has chosen a big, big girl diva song for him! The other judges gleefully mock this. Louis says Simon is now old and has lost the plot. A bit like what happened to Louis in 1984.

Oh it’s that X Factor / Idol faithful old standby, “And I’m Telling You”. I was sick of this at the auditions. The series 3 auditions. Its over the top as Danyl is pre-programmed to do. The vocals aren’t bad but it leaves me a bit cold. He thinks he is better than he is as well. Uh-Oh, Simon’s up again. As in Standing Ovation. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Louis talks sense for once and says he needs to become more likeable. Dannii says “if we’re to believe everything we read in the papers you didn’t need to change the gender references.” There is a stunned silence. Simon asks her to repeat it which she does.

Scripted Tabloid Fodder Moment Of The Week. Simon gets all dramatic and says it was the best performance he has ever seen. Danyl’s face contorts between shock, horror and joy. I think he forgot how he was meant to react. Simon tells Dannii not to play games with him and waggles his pen at her in rage. He has practiced that line since Wednesday and no doubt Brian choreographed the biro waggle.

That’s it. If you are intensely gullible you can now add 50p to Simon’s next mansion fund and vote. Otherwise, back here to mock again tomorrow night.

  Danyl Johnson - And Im Telling You MP3 (1.7 MiB)
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  Jamie Archer - Get It On MP3 (1.7 MiB)
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  Joe McElderry - No Regrets MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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  John & Edward - Rock DJ MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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  Kandy Rain - Addicted To Love MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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  Lloyd Daniels - Cry Me A River MP3 (2.0 MiB)
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  Lucie Jones - Footprints In The Sand (1.9 MiB)
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  Miss Frank - Who Is Loving You MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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  Olly Murs - She's The One (2.0 MiB)
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  Rachel Adedeji - Let Me Entertain You (1.8 MiB)
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  Rikki Loney - Back To Black MP3 (1.8 MiB)
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  Stacey Solomon - The Scientist MP3 (1.9 MiB)
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Saturday 10th October 2009 X-Factor Show Review8.7109

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